Horrendous Theory: The real hero of Jurassic Park

Both. Both farted.

Folks, some heroes are born, others are made.

The Jurassic Park series is fraught with them, from   great white hunters who risk nature's prehistoric savagery to save lives, to a young girl who didn't make the gymnastics class because she needed that little push that kicking a  velociraptor to death can give.

If you think African American teenage girls and Velociraptors makes this better, that's because it  does.

But I'm here to tell you nonE of those guys are the hero of the series. There is only one hero in this franchise.

And it's this guy.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex.  And this is the part where you go, "Oooooh! The T Rex wasn't a hero! He was a lumbering beast who ate anyone who didn't run as far away from him as possible". Don't be naive. The T Rex is the deadliest, biggest dinosaur in the first two films. If it wanted to kill and eat  every single person in the film, he'd just have. Should he even bother with people? Clearly we're mere snacks to a creature that size.


 In the first film, in fact, he only ate that lawyer, who need I remind you, abandoned children to a T-REX.

Unlike CERTAIN people, T Rex are all about the youngsters.

And sure, in the second movie he killed that guy who was rescuing the dangling people and those others in the group and that guy in San Diego. But they took his friggin' kid! He didn't  kill people who weren't either stupid Ingen assholes or involved with his kid's disappearance. Or tourist. Fuck those guys.

It's all about the family with this guys.

In the third film, he actually fought the grittier, darker Spinosaurus, but took a dive, give the new guy a chance.  Spinosaurus then broke all the sacred rules of dinosauring, including busting through perfectly burstable enclosures.

GET OF MY TRAIN!

But the biggest evidence comes from the first film. You know this scene: A couple and some kids where escaping from velociraptors, the ninjas of the dinosaur world, by dangling dangerously from hanging dinosaur bones. One by one, each  of  the bones gives way and  falls to the ground. The people, uninjured, try to escape, but the raptors surround them. It's only a matter of time before one of them pounces, and one of them does. Except a Tyrannosaurus catches him in his mouth.

Kids today need to be reminded Dinosaurs used to do awesome stuff all the time before...this.

Now, Jurassic Fight Club taught me that dinosaurs probably wheren't great strategists. With  their small brains, they could only turn on the idea of eating, and turn it off to mate. So what is the point of a Rex stealthilly making his way into a building(which must have taken some work), sneaking up on a scene where predation is about to occur, and actually attack the predators? Eating the humans could have been just as well. You scare away the raptors with a display, then eat the humans.

Then the Rex goes to work on the other raptor, giving the group time to escape. He does not EAT the raptors, he simply shows them up throwing them like the fucking ragdolls they are.  And once alone, this happens.

Not the hero Jurassic Park deserves, but the hero Jurassic Park needs.

Clearly, this is not a mindless beast of carnage, but a misunderstood savior, a good samaritan who never intended harm on the kids or the archeologists. And though our languages are different, in another world we might call him hero.

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5 female characters your girl could look up to(but you won't let her)

Grrr power!

Look, mom, we know what your thinking: Your girl can't grow up a self-respecting female in a world ruled by the patriarchy. And geek world...is one of those worlds.

More than half of all geek products are created by, approved by, and for the consumption of, men. And more than half of it is done without any heart at all, so it's no wonder there isn't exactly a thriving supply of such materials geared for, or even considering the possibility young girl could enjoy them.

There are such, but as you can read in my article, there is a force that tries to shoot down even those that get out. That force, is you, mom.

So while the next five characters could find their way to you girl's heart, you won't let her because they aren't JUST right. So tighten your flannel pants and put down the scissors, mom. It's 5 female characters that your girl would like, if you wern't so busy making her watch LMN movies and reminding her men suck.

5)Wordgirl
Never heard, huh? It's because Wordgirl is a children's show on PBS. It features a young girl from the planet Lexicon who in her spare time becomes Wordgirl, a pint sized Super heroine with a penchant for correct vocabulary, while maintaining a secret identity as Becky Botsford, a mild mannered bookworm adoptive child . This show is awesome, as written by some of the Saturday Night Live scribes. And no, the learning doesn't get in the way of the fun, Mr "I can't be caught dead watching a PBS cartoon".
Why your girl could look up to her:
Wordgirl is the female superheroine you always ask for, but who's comics you never read. Independent, smart, sarcastic, and strong but not in a "I'm always kicking men in the balls, I'm so empowered" way. Wordgirl defeast most villains without help from any other characters, except for her space monkey sidekick, Capt Huggy Face. I mean, he's a MALE monkey, but still.

Why You won't let her:

Because Wordgirl's weakness is cutesy, 'girly stuff', like cute cats, and a show ominously called "The Pretty Princess and Sparkling Pony Power Hour" . "What?" You'll ask." Can't she like more "scratched knees" activities(aside from punching robots)?"

He's probably saying a sexist joke about how many women it takes to stop a meteor.

Also, Wordgirl adopts a 'friendly' approach towards some of her male foes(Dr Two Brains, The Butcher) but not as much with her female rogues(the awesome Lady Redundant Woman and Granny May). There's a special place in hell for women who like some men better than some women.

This is not related. I just like this picture.

4)T. Bonne

T. Bonne is a pirate and rogue from the Megaman Legends series, who has also ha her own game and cameos elsewhere. She's part of a family of pirates. I didn't make that too far into Legends, but I know she builts robots and other machines to perform her devious tasks, which include thievery.

A face worthy of a most wanted list.

Why your girl could look up to her:

She is 15-16 year old genious, and mostly clasilly dressed too.
Bolted, metal panties over pants. That's some symbolism right there!

T Bonne is one of those few Megaman characters that get their own game, and that's badass.
Why You won't let her:

Because of her secret crush with phallic symbol-armed Megaman Volnutt.You know what they say about big feet? Well, that can't possibly apply here.

Not only is she in love with a man, but a man who is willing to shoot her laser blasts in the face? Gurl, that's wack!

3)Mitsuko(Bloody Roar)
If she's a smart fighter, she becomes a cerebral boar!

Bloody Roar is a fighting game where humans turn into muta-animals halfway into the match. Don't ask why. Mitsuko is one of the game's less prolific characters(because of the patriarchy!), a big old Japanese woman in overalls whose transformation is a boar.
Why your girl could look up to her:
She's huge and unseemly and dressed in overalls. She's not attractive to your average man. Turning into a boar just seals the deal: she's a lesbian. The only kind of woman that isn't weak, by femi-standards.
Why You won't let her:
Because it turns out, she's not a lesbian. She's just looking for her daughter. Oh, no, traditional family! It BUUURNS! Goddess help us!

Also, she turns into a fucking boar. That's just stupid, no matter your gender. Boars suck.

2)Amanda "The Wall" Waller Rule 34 exception.

Amanda is not actually the main heroine most of the time, which is amazing, what with being a black, overweight female comic book character. What she IS most of the time, is a handler for various teams in the D.C. universe. She would also be in the Supermax film and the Suicide Squad film, if those where ever going to be done.
Why your girl could look up to her:
Amanda Waller is the most bad ass motherfucking burocrat the world has ever seen. She will do whatever it takes to accomplish the mission. I've seen the bitch stare down Superman.

Seriously I LOOKED. NO HENTAI OF AMANDA WALLER EXISTS!

Seriously, she is mostly known for running the team "The Suicide Squad", which coerces villains into doing missions for the Governmate agency Checkmate, and occasionally jettisons them into another planet to die. While it doesn't usually have the most powerfull villains in it's unconstitutional employ, it still takes some balls to bark orders to insane, murderous villains that never tired of being punched by Flash.

From Left to Right: Guy who BROKE BATMAN, Amanda Waller, Guy who tried to shoot at Batman, Monster who could crush Amanda Waller whenever he wanted.

If Amanda Waller lived in the world of Pokemon, she could be a master in seconds, and already be commanding armies of Mews to kill take down all all the Team Rocket Cells. Not only does she have to convince Psychos that can shoot laser out their armpits to fight other psychos, but she has to coordinate those psychos so they don't fail the mission, even though they are expendable(well, it's called the Suicide Squad, and not because it was created by Albert Suicide).

Why You won't let her:
Well, exactly what makes her so good! Amanda Waller is not without emotions or conflicts, but most the time, if the order is to pull the trigger, she will. Well, she won't, but she'll order someone to do it. She's kind of amoral when it comes to work. And work is getting Deathstroke to work with Poison Ivy in some third World Country.

Don't test her pimp hand, bitches!

With female characters, that kinda amorality doesn't make you look like a conflicted antihero. It makes you a look like bitch. Just don't tell her that, cause she'll send the Weather Wizard after you!

If berating counted as a Superpower...

But can you blame her for being straightforward? She's probably had to read pages upon pages of documentation about how some guy punched reality out of whack or how Supergirl was really an earth-born angel instead of a liquid metal being from another dimension or Superman's Cousin. She's got a job, orders, and the willingness to execute them. Which I guess means she isn't empowered.

1)Lara CroftFlatchested was the big breasted of the PSX era

Well, maybe you've spent too much time watching Rachel Maddow on MSNBC if you don't know, but Lara Croft is the lead and protagonist of a games series called Tomb Raider. She's a millionaire adventurer and treasure seeker. An expert marks(wo?)man and a mountain climber. She is...the most interesting woman in the world.
Why your girl could look up to her:

If your girl ever grows up to be a millionaire, she could do worse than trying to imitate Lara Croft. Say what you will about her, she's a strong, resilient character who doesn't constantly need a man to save her, or even a love interest. Always looking for fun, not by shopping, but by looking for the Holy Grail and punching alligators in the process.

She was also played by Angelina Jolie in the films.

Why You won't let her:
She's got breasts.Big ones too. And as we all know, things that are atractive to men are anatema to being strong, independent or even a feminist. Men suck, so of course, the more like a man a woman looks, the more independent and strong willed she is. Right?


Now that's a woman right there! I don't mean the empire making, millionaire, socially concious one, either! She's got breasts too!

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