Horrendous Theory: My Super Ex Girlfriend is Superman's daughter.

So the Superman Reboot did well enough to try and launch a joint universe out of it. It's kind of all right, but I just saw All Star Superman and that shit is just super fantastic and positive, and not just caked in grey morality/litteral gray.

I will punch you, Son of Jor El!!!!

Do I sometimes wonder what could have been if Superman Returns had had a sequel? Yes, I do. I even remember some vague rumors  about Superman dating an Indian nurse in that movie, or something. But really, how do you follow on giving Superman a neglected, out of  wedlock kid? It's so wrong, you know, putting Superman in  the place of a guy who would lay and not even call back to check.

Except...that it already happened. In Superman III, Superman becomes infected with faulty Kryptonite by Richard Pryor and his friends, and as such, becomes evil. But not really "Elseworld's" evil, just kind of a general asshole.

"If you sing Super Hero Lover again, I will punt your head all the way to Hawaii."

The villains use computers to control all the world's petrolium carrying barges, because even bofore we invented the word "hacking" we were completely missunderstanding what they can and can't do. However one barge decides to ignore the orders, and so the villains decide it looks like a job for Superman.

They send Superman the bait, the main villain's sexy ass assistant Lorelei. She asks Superman to, as a personal favor worth points towards fucking her,  divert the barge away from shore. Naturally, he complies. Sure, an evil Superman could probably have any woman he wants, and that's without veerying off into "unconsensual" talk, but I guess whatever gets the plot moving and keeps the rating under R.

But it's after that  that things become interesting. Superman comes back to cash in on his poon coupon. And he does, albeit offscreen. And I think the fruit of said relationship is G-Girl,  the main character from the movie "My Super Exgirlfriend".

It turns out the G spot was the heart all along.

Now you may have some questions. "Where is Superman in Super Ex-Girlfriend?" "Why doesn't she have Superman's exact powerset?" "Don't they explain her origin in that movie?" "Hey, Superman can't have kids with a human!" Joke's on you, that last one isn't even a question!

Let's begin with the last one. Superman Returns, being mildly in cannon with the Donner series, established that movie Superman  CAN have kids with a woman. He just can't pay them alimony (goes for high-five). "But Superman Returns takes place after Superman II and cancels out Superman's III and IV!" Yeah, those are words. But what parts of  Superman III and Superman IV  get contradicted?  Both of those movies could take place 2-3 months after Superman had his thing with Lois, and he'd then be able to fly away to space and leave her to take care of the kid. Hell, Lois' caribean vacation on 3 could have been where she met Richard White and dumped her Superkid on him.

Or, maybe this takes place in the Superman 3-4 timeline and not the Superman Returns timeline.

Kid, hopefully the worst you got from this movie was being slightly scared by Kevin Spacey.

So whatever, nobody said Superman CAN'T have kids in this movies.

I can definitively say why she doesn't have Superman's exact powerset. It's because she isn't really just Superman's daughter. She's Evil Superman thorugh faulty Kryptonite's daughter.  Hell, that alone could account for her manically obsessive personality. She's got some Bad K in her genes, besides being raised by a criminal, maybe.

"whoawhoawhoooa...Your dad knew Gus Gorman?"

Yes, she does have an origin in the movie. She'd throw a Shark at a girl, yet you don't think she'd make up an origin story to hide her shameful parentage? Come on. Further, she got those powers from a meteor. Perhaps  her Kryptonian side laid dormant until the meteor jump started them.




As for where Superman is, why would you assume he's be available to this one grown woman when he wasn't around for his kid of his main squeeze? Pick whatever answer you like: gone to space, dead, Mission in the Middle East. I can't do them all for you, you know? Now, who wants to hear about how Eggman is the Hero and Sonic is the villain?

Continue

Horrendous Theory: Gerti Giggles is Dead

"...shall disavow any knoweledge of your existance. Now...did you brush your teeth?"

The Spy Kids franchise returned last year(to the delight of very few, apparently) after quite long time dormant. So much so, the titular secret agent children from the first 3 movies are all grown up and cameoing in the film.

In fact, if I recall, this franchise was quite big on cameos. My first one was the 3rd, and I was pretty confused as to why Steve Buschemi arrived on a flying pig near the end. But aparently they just dragged every single character from two movies.

Do you think he had a hilarious death offscreen?

The new one, thought, reduces the cameoing. After all, in the film's story, many years have passed, and the O.S.S. shut down the Spy Kids division. And you gotta wonder: why would an intelligence division shut down a department that saved the whole world thrice?

I mean, even with the plot about a bad guy time traveling and making himself the boss of an agency, he'd still have to answer to higher ups. What happened? Escalating budgets? The truth about Machete got out? No I think the truth is much darker and deadlier.



I believe there was a crisis. The truth about the Spy Kids agency got out. I mean, this are children being trained as soldiers and given potentially deadly assignments. Even in the decade where words like "rendition", "torture" and "unilateral" where the daily breath of news outlets around the world, I think "Child Soldiers" would litterally top all of those.

I believe Gerti Giggles is dead.



Gerti Giggles was an agent of the Spy Kids program, notable for her unusual laughter. Along with her brother, they where sort of rivals for the kids in the second movie, till they found out that their father was a criminal and a traitor. They helped turn him in.

In the third movie, they showed up for the climax fight against Sylverster Stallone riding a giant monkey mech(do not check your mouth for drugs: you just read that).



It'd be easy to assume Gerti outgrew the program and maybe moved on to become a mercenary or to another intelligence agency. But here's the thing: In the new movie she's nowhere to be found. And you know, Machete still works there(of course he fucking does). Juni continued to work there. The other kid actually chose to leave. Where could essentially half of all actual shown agents of the program have gone?

What's worse is that I don't think Gerti Giggles died because her father put a hit on her or because she was intercepted in North Korea and tortured to death. I think it was an accident. I mean, her flight method involved spinning her pigtails to somehow achieve propulsion. That probably involved some powerfull, unseen mechanism inside the hair of a little girl. It could have burst in flames, or torn her scalp clean off in midflight. It could have caused an infection.

This creates an alternate reality where the Cyber Bully movie didn't happen.

Her body is found, and all hell breaks loose. The secret is out, and it brings on the O.S.S. child labor accusations, human rights violation accusations, and some even want war crimes charges on the O.S.S. president. In a hurry, the whole program is shut down, and everything is swept neatly under the rug. The damage is done, and some people lose their job over it, but they don't have any evidence that is usable in court. What is, is covered under the Patriot Act. George Clooney gets another term as Commander in Chief.



But it's just a theory, though.

Continue

Horrendous Theory: Princess Celestia's Biodome

Okay, okay, I already buckled under and fell to the charms of Friendship is Magic.  It's a show with a surprising amount of mythology, for a show that could have just been a series of vapid events that happen to a bunch of airhead ponies and still made money.

There's a creationist story with parallels to the Bible and other deistic writings. What with the world having been in chaos and The Titanomachian  fight of two goddess sisters against an older god and then the subsequent falling out between them. It's good stuff.

But the more I try to analyze the world of Equestria, the less sense it makes.

And if I've learned anything from Ancient Aliens is that if it doesn't make sense, reckless speculation is required.

You see, obvious stuff about sentient little horses that use magic aside, nothing about this world is natural. The Sun and the Moon  must be moved  by Celestia or Luna. The cloud and weather are controlled by Pegasi.

But it gets worse. In the episode Bridle Gossip, the Everfree Forest, which is spoken off with fear every time it's mentioned, is described as such : "Animals fend for themselves, trees grow all on their own, and the clouds move by themselves...it's so unnatural". This means that without the Ponies intervention, no part of  regular biological developments happen. And they're ignorant of this, as well as the existence of such common animals as zebras.

They have to freaking create their own seasons!

You'd think a smiling, ethereally maned, non-stop smiling ruler such as Princess Celestia would care more for fostering the knowledge of her denizens. But come on. She trapped her own sister on the moon.  Anyone who's ever stood in Celestia's path is trapped in something or some form. And you never saw Luna after she became good again, did you? Maybe she's back on the moon. Point is, Celestia's clearly after something, and it isn't the welfare of her denizens.

Yo, dawg, i heard you like the moon, so we put Nightmare Moon on the moon so you can moon while you moon.

You know what I think? I think the whole thing is some kind of crazy Truman Show-esque containment sphere, and the exit is somewhere in the Everfree Forest(it's even got the word free in it!), the only place where consistently dangerous things like Manticores and Bears made of stars exist, probably to keep  the ponypulation from  figuring out the truth. As for where exactly they are, my guess is some kind of space installation. If I had to  guess, I'd say Celestia puts and breeds ponies there so she can find the ones who will defeat  the unknown number of creatures that threaten her and had to be banished in some form or another. Or maybe she's just following orders. You haven't ever seen or heard of who the King and Queen of Equestria are, have you?

I see you, Faust!

Continue

Horrendous Theory: The Sith's Inside Man

Beeb-Boop Beep Satan...I mean Beep!

There's been a lot of Star Wars talk lately. And it always comes back to how poorly plotted those damn prequels where. How come one guy who can feel waves of the force can be so dumb as to not feel the evil in the evilest guy in the galaxy sitting across the room? How can  the villain's  plan be this all encompassing and yet this detailed, this informed?

I may have the  answer for that last one. The Emperor has an throughout the prequels that relayed information to him. And he was there almost the entire way. R2D2.

Dun-Dun DA!

R2D2 first enters the plot of the movies as a repair droid who served on Naboo's royal air force, which is stationed pretty much in the Castle. This is a perfect position to send inside information about Naboo to the emperor, who could then give it to the Trade Federation.

When our heroes escape t through the blockade, he is one of several droids who have to repair the shield generators. The others get  destroyed in eerily accurate fashion for being in a  spaceship moving real fast against a mothership shooting directly at it. If videogames have taught me something is that shooting something is at it's easiest when it's heading towards you. So R2 "fixes" the problem, by hooking up two cables together and they get to Tattoine, but not before he gets access to the Queen, and he can just hang tight and listen to all the secret Throne Room gossip.

He Watches...From the Shadows...

This is where it gets a bit complex. Quigon Jinn, who is already not the sharpest knife in the drawer, starts getting himself involved in a bid to fix the ship in order for it to get to  Coruscant, by getting a part from a shady scrap dealer, and somehow decides to  acquire a young boy. Keep in mind, Quigon is the only person who agrees with taking the boy. Everyone else feels it is a bad idea.  Obiwan thinks he's another  mouth on the  mission, The Jedi Council feel great danger, the audiences hate him. The only ones who feel  he should be there are Quigon Jinn and George Lucas.  And what do you know, first step down the ship it's R2d2, following Quigon for purposes of helping identify the part. Which he doesn't. Could R2D2 have been manipulating Jinn? Remember, Jiinn was not strong enough to manipulate some bucktoothed  junk salesman. His mental capacities aren't legendary.

Then, out of all the planets in the galaxy, of all the towns in Tattoine, an Sith assassin manages to track them down to the exact place they landed in. An assassin who was earlier shown to be WITH Darth Sidious/Palpatine, presumably in Coruscant. SOMEONE told Sidius that the important people the Trade Federation was looking for  where on some planet. I think it was R2. Sure, he's never shown to have that kind of intergalactic transmitting capabilities, but we'll soon learn R2D2 has many things we never knew about.

Eventually, though they make it to Coruscant, successfully play into a tyrant's ploy for power, and go back to  Tattoine to singlehandedly stop the whole thing anyway. R2D2 stays with the boy and "he" accidentally flies a starship and uses it to blow up a bigger ship.  Yes, a little kid who grew up on some third world hut, is apparently able to figure out a superadvanced ship, while his robot companion just boops and beeps, totally not manipulating the ship.

Autopilot, yeah sure. "Oh, this autopilot is totally taking me to a battle that will cement my status as  a Force sensitive! Stop It!"

And so, "Anakin" successfully eliminates the main problem of the first movie. So R2D2 sticks with Obi Wan and Anakin for 10 years, until someone tries to murder Amidala, now a senator.  He's the only one she lets in her room before her next assassination attempt, which is a shame, because his course of action  upon witnessing the murderbugs a robot lets in is to not move and tell no one. Think about it, R2 himself could have killed them, as he's not possible to poison. Could have run 'em over with his wheels or  one of those things that come out of him. He's clearly not only observing it, but  he must have told the bad guys where she was in detail.

He then goes on to participate on Anakin's breaking of his Jedi vows and his fall to the Dark side. This is pretty creepy. Think about it: This guy is killing children within his sight! And he doesn't intervene, he doesn't tell anyone. He's not unfazed. You assume he's friends with someone, that he has some kind of ethics. If he's willing to sit out events like this, why not assume he'd actually manipulate them?

Then he throws C3PO into a factory to almost certain dissasembly. And he flies above it all with his rockets. It's important, this rockets have never been used in the service of anyone else. But we're already seeing a picture of a character with no scruples, who, while all his "friends" go on to a death duel with supermonsters, he's off minding his own business.  I guess he sort of helps C3PO from the situation he put him on later. We all know about these two. But from the looks of it, it's a rather abusive relationship.

It is an order! Marry them...NOW!

So R2 goes on to witness the wedding of Anakin. Of note: He's not just ANAKIN'S robot. He works along with Obi Wan. So, it doesn't ever come up, like for accident or something. Or  He doesn't tell anyone?"Beep Eep, Oooooo! What's that, Artoo? Married to Padme?"

By the next movie, the only 5 people know of the marriage: the couple, R2 and 3pio and Senator Palpatine. How this last one knows, hhmm... I just can't say...

But here's a picture suggesting the answer.

So the mission to rescue Palpatine kicks off Ep 3, and R2D2 is, as always, the one surviving robot. It is here he hints at his multiple combat capabilities. Besides flying, he can shock things with a taser, and douse them in fuel. He can even do a thing I don't understand.

But whatever it is I would never want something this dangerous happening near me, at crotch level.

This abilities never come up in dangerous situations. Even when it does, it's usually on a ship, where R2 himself is in danger. When it's about helping other people, it's like he's very selective...

So, when the real bad shit goes down, R2 immediately sides with Darth Badguy on the murder of The last of the Separatists, as well as Obiwan. It's actually a little surprising that Obi Wan later picks him up and gives him to Jimmy Smits who has C3Po mindwiped and not him.  This means that, going in to the original trilogy, R2 knew everything: Luke's Father, the whole conspiracy everything, that Obi Wan is a Jedi... He never uses any of that. He never uses any of his abilities again. He's evil, I tell you!

Or this movies are badly written. I don't know. Whichever makes most sense,  I guess.

Continue

Horrendous Theory: Something Something Halo something 9-11

Welcome, my friends to a very special episode of Horrendous Theory.

This episode is not about an actual theory I have, but rather abut something that has bugged me for almost a decade. It can be accurately described as a scary coincidence, more than anything. But then again, there are those who do not believe in coincidences.

Like, why would he even?

See, it's been nearly 10 years since the terrible terrorist attacks that shocked New York and shook the world. Since it is a tradition to say where one was that day, I was at school, though I heard a teacher mention planes had crashed into the Twin Towers. Which I remember where mentioned by J, of the Men in Black Animated series, to be the biggest building in the Manhattan. Then I got home, and things where badder than I ever suspected.

So much more badder

Thousands of lives lost, a literal center of trade turned to rubble and the increasing feeling that war was going to begin any time now replaced any optimism we might have had for the young millennium. Religious zealots had brought war against the American people. Whatever you thought was gonna happen before didn't matter.

But I guess, for me, it wasn't too bad a year. 4 months' later I bought an Xbox and eventually it's greatest launch title, Halo: Combat Evolved.

The feeling of being an invincible super soldier went right along the growth of  increased militarization regarding real life. I actually talked about  the possibility of being drafted over enlisting with a friend of my brother while playing it. 'Course, even then I knew real military conflict was harder, and yet more boring than a campaign on legendary.

No Banshees on sight, yet.

But you can't deny the appeal of Halo's story: Fighting to defend humanity from the religious extremists of the Covenant, barely surviving the attack on Reach that...

Wait, what? Religious Zealots? An devastating attack no one saw coming? Military response? But...Halo...has an eerily similar plot to the one from...9-11. I mean, there are key differences but it's still sort of the same.

For one, real life didn't throw The Flood in there to spice things up. Except, you know...

But as  I said, I DON'T have a theory. What could I say, that Halo did 9-11? And Halo was about religious alien zealots years before it hit the Xbox. I guess if you already believe there was a super massive conspiracy to cause the attacks of 9-11 for some reason, you could neatly tie this up under  "see, it was planned all along!". But, me, I can't in good conscience say that the similarities between this fictional videogame events and the very real tragedy that happened on that day. Not without evidence, I can't.

It's still freaky, though.

Continue

Horrendous Theory: Optimus Prime is EVIL

You can trust this attempt at a face!

Now, I'm not much of a Transformer G1 fan. Was way more into Beast Wars. But don't you guys find that in the movie's Optimus is a bit...ruthless?

I began noticing in Revenge of the Fallen.  The first action sequence ends with Optimus having this exchange with a maimed and defenseless Decepticon.

Optimus Prime: Any last words?
Wheelbot: This is not your planet to rule! The Fallen shall rise again!
Chief Master Sergeant Epps: [puzzled] That did not sound good.
Optimus Prime: Not today.
[blasts Wheelbot in the head]

"Any last words" is what a character, usually a villain, says when he's about to execute a person. It indicates that what follows is a clear path for the would be victim: "There is no possibility I won't kill you, you are given a final chance to mark our lives before you die." It is troubling that what we assume is a good guy chooses this words. See, in movies, usually the good guys don't "execute"  their villains. They defeat them in combat, either on equal grounds or with the hero at a disadvantage. Normally heroes aren't given the choice of whether or not to kill, and if your good guy is...say, a cartoon icon for children, usually the choice is to let them live.

Why don't you guys learn from the masters?

Second, it really looks like Wheelbot is implying Optimus Prime could be interpreted as to want to rule the earth. This is strange. Why would he think that? Why, of all the words you could put into that robot's spiked mouth, would you put concern that Optimus would rule the earth? Is Optimus the leader of Cybertron or something? Aren't the Decepticons the randomly chaotic ones? Why won't Optimus even deny he won't  take over the earth?

In any case, after several minutes of  Dog humpin, jive talking, Shia Leboufing action, the climax of the film takes place.  And after that, Optimus Prime fights The Fallen and Megatron. Optimus  handles both with ease. And then this happens.

Optimus, again, being a big fan of fatalities, chooses to rip off his opponent's face while saying : "Give ME YOR FACE!"

Now, we like our heroes to mix it up with the killing and making with one liners. But this isn't a Bond pun. This isn't  I lied.
It's not funny or ironic or set up to or a joke. He's saying he will rip his face off. And then he does.

If they where human...this would be a war crime.

Of course, he's just an evil robot who had it, coming you might say. But what purpose does it serve to rip your opponent's facial expressions as you execute them?   What kind of psycho rips away  someone else's face? Is our hero on the same league as  Leatherface and that Chimp that went crazy?

Autobuts, transform and roll out!

And lastly, there's Cry for the Moon Bark at the Moon In the Dark of the Night Dark of the Moon. I haven't seen it, but I have it on good authority Optimus Prime and the Autobots actually let  a city be laid to waste and countless humans die just to teach humanity a lesson. Yes, a lesson.


In the context in which it is offered to me, I heard humans order the Autobots to leave earth , in order to try and negotiate an armistice with their enemies, the Decepticons. Quickly the Decepticons  try to kill the Autobots and lay waste to a city after apparently blowing them up murdering humans all willy nilly, straight up hunting them and exterminating them.


While everyone thinks the Autobots are dead, they eventually come back. But not before Optimus points out they took their sweet time because humans had to understand how evil this evil robots are.

Yeah, I get it now! Go with the colored robots, not the gray robots! Got it!

And again, I haven't seen it, but doesn't that sound like a shrewd political move? You create sympathy and necessity for Autobots when Decepticon's top most powerful leader already had his face removed and his ticker raped, and as I hear by the end of this movie , all the bad guys have died. WHat's the lesson here again?  Don't fuck with Optimus?

Saviors? Buddy, you just got false flagged. Optimus' rise to power is at hand.

Continue

Self sentered ego stroking ahead!

I watch lots of TGWTG vids. Blame it on a friend who will soon return home. And it's probably a lot of that that led me to Blogging in the first place. I've always wanted to do something like that with videos and characters and acting goofy for clicks. Yet I've yet to fully break from the written form.

And this two seem to have collided. In Linkara's Ultimatum 1-2 review I said regarding the infamous Blob kills/eats Wasp moment...

What can I say? Putting far too much thought into this things is my angle.

Now watch the second video in Linkara's review of the Ultimatum Saga and see what he has to say about this moment after "calming down".

Why it's my own words almost exactly! I don't want to think Linkara got that bit from me but...I can't lie. I totally do want to think that. I need it to feel great. If a super comicsman reviewer that has already started making comics and cameos with people and making memes thinks my comments are worthy of thought, of sight, of repetition, then it makes ME somewhat bigger than before, even if I'm a blogger no one reads, with  five followers on DA and Hentai-Foundry thinks I don't know enough anatomy to be worthy of it. If my comments did not spark your own musing son the nature of that scene, MR Linkara, do not let me know. I need this! If I can't be a shark, let me be the noble remora...

Continue

Horrendous Theory: The Legend of Zelda

Once ago, in a scolding review far, far away, I mentioned continuity is a tricky mistress, and I stand by that. Keeping the story from becoming a swiss cheese of plot holes is fairly important  for people to become engaged in your escapist fantasy. But...not always.

Take the Legend of Zelda. Each game features a hero called Link Booger "Whichever name you put on him", a princess named Zelda a villain named Gannon (sometimes with "orf at the end) and some other constants but...the tone of the world, the story of the world and the world itself does not seem continuous. Important events from one to the other don't seem to factor in, and the hero often is JUST BEGINNING his adventuring at the start of the game.

"And then one time I saved the day. All four of me."

Franchise fanboys have actually tried to piece together the story, deciding in which place in a timeline does each game take place. Many have settled on the conclusion that there where , thorugh Hyrule's History, many Links/Boogers, many Zeldas and many Gannons. That's...strange. Imagine if Batman Beyond was about Bruce Wayne's new protege, Bruce Wayne.  Other's remain steadfast the same guys have done a very similar thing many times. Even Nintendo doesn't seem quite sure.

"I dunno. Sometimes I just say stuff, you know?"

I think the answer has been in our noses all along.

                                                                                                        I
                                                                                                        I
                                                                                                       V

I think The Story of how Link/Booger saved Zelda and banished the dread Ganon is a legend.

Throughout years, legends and stories grow and take different forms. They are adapted, changed, retold. Their meaning is reshaped by the condition of the tellers. I think each  Zelda game is a reflection of the story teller. You have your childlike fable, your ominous cautionary tale, your drunken, badly dubbed russian animation and your totally radical cheesy 80s cartoon. All are true in the sense they are a telling the legend, but none is completely accurate.

I just made it canon, didn't I?

I think there was a historical Booger/Link(fictionally, if that makes sense), but all versions of the story we have seen are attempts at decoding the myths from one important moment in Hyrule history. The other option is to believe  our favorite creators are making it up as they go, and that...that's just plain silly.

Continue

Horrendous Theory: Who Rainbow Mika really is.

Let's have a heart to heart

Folks, I like some things you don't and that you may not.  The only answer I can give to that is that I like things for different reasons.

One of those things is Rainbow Mika, unarguably Street Fighter's least liked character. Debuting in the third prequel to Street Fighter 2, Mika's odd combination of  grappling, ass attacks and odd apparel seems to have stroke a chord with very few, but the wrong note for a lot.

I for one loved her style and ass attacks from day one. Sure, she's no Chun Li... Or isn't she?

Chronologically, the Story of Street Fighter Alpha/Zero(all 3 of them, although only 3 really happened) occurs before Street Fighter two, but after Street Fighter 1, I think.  How did Chun Li look there?

This is Chun Li's first apearance in terms of story.  Then she  next tournament, she shows up like this...

 Quite the wardrobe change.  She went from sport-traditional to mostly traditional.  The only part that is still sportsy is those boots. Those WRESTLING BOOTS!

You know who  else wears wrestling boots? Rainbow Mika, who is conspicuously missing from every other Street Fighter game where Chun Li has this particular look. Outside of certain, non cannon games, very few moments where both are seen are known.  Here's what I think went down.

BOOOOOOOTS!

Continue

Horrendous Theory: The real hero of Jurassic Park

Both. Both farted.

Folks, some heroes are born, others are made.

The Jurassic Park series is fraught with them, from   great white hunters who risk nature's prehistoric savagery to save lives, to a young girl who didn't make the gymnastics class because she needed that little push that kicking a  velociraptor to death can give.

If you think African American teenage girls and Velociraptors makes this better, that's because it  does.

But I'm here to tell you nonE of those guys are the hero of the series. There is only one hero in this franchise.

And it's this guy.

The Tyrannosaurus Rex.  And this is the part where you go, "Oooooh! The T Rex wasn't a hero! He was a lumbering beast who ate anyone who didn't run as far away from him as possible". Don't be naive. The T Rex is the deadliest, biggest dinosaur in the first two films. If it wanted to kill and eat  every single person in the film, he'd just have. Should he even bother with people? Clearly we're mere snacks to a creature that size.


 In the first film, in fact, he only ate that lawyer, who need I remind you, abandoned children to a T-REX.

Unlike CERTAIN people, T Rex are all about the youngsters.

And sure, in the second movie he killed that guy who was rescuing the dangling people and those others in the group and that guy in San Diego. But they took his friggin' kid! He didn't  kill people who weren't either stupid Ingen assholes or involved with his kid's disappearance. Or tourist. Fuck those guys.

It's all about the family with this guys.

In the third film, he actually fought the grittier, darker Spinosaurus, but took a dive, give the new guy a chance.  Spinosaurus then broke all the sacred rules of dinosauring, including busting through perfectly burstable enclosures.

GET OF MY TRAIN!

But the biggest evidence comes from the first film. You know this scene: A couple and some kids where escaping from velociraptors, the ninjas of the dinosaur world, by dangling dangerously from hanging dinosaur bones. One by one, each  of  the bones gives way and  falls to the ground. The people, uninjured, try to escape, but the raptors surround them. It's only a matter of time before one of them pounces, and one of them does. Except a Tyrannosaurus catches him in his mouth.

Kids today need to be reminded Dinosaurs used to do awesome stuff all the time before...this.

Now, Jurassic Fight Club taught me that dinosaurs probably wheren't great strategists. With  their small brains, they could only turn on the idea of eating, and turn it off to mate. So what is the point of a Rex stealthilly making his way into a building(which must have taken some work), sneaking up on a scene where predation is about to occur, and actually attack the predators? Eating the humans could have been just as well. You scare away the raptors with a display, then eat the humans.

Then the Rex goes to work on the other raptor, giving the group time to escape. He does not EAT the raptors, he simply shows them up throwing them like the fucking ragdolls they are.  And once alone, this happens.

Not the hero Jurassic Park deserves, but the hero Jurassic Park needs.

Clearly, this is not a mindless beast of carnage, but a misunderstood savior, a good samaritan who never intended harm on the kids or the archeologists. And though our languages are different, in another world we might call him hero.

Continue