Showing posts with label bad ideas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bad ideas. Show all posts

Thursday, October 11, 2012

RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.


  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?
Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

Monday, August 27, 2012

THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU!

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"



We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.
Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

8 franchises that became fighting games (and quickly regretted it)




Big deal, Persona. So you're ditching your RPG roots for a little one on one 2d fighter Combat. Pfft. I'm tired of you lording over everyone how cool and new you are because of it.  You know what? You're not even the first.  This here franchises entered the cage with triumphant smiles, and left the genre with their tails between their legs, never knowing what happened.

Of note: I'm not including fan-made games in this list. I like M.U.G.E.N too, but no.

Dynasty Warriors
But where is my Dynasty fighitng game?

As far as "historical games", I've never understood the Dynasty Warriors series.  Crazy dance numbers and supersoldiers bursting through 1000s of troops aside, shouldn't one warlord just win the war and get it over with? How long WAS this unification war? Either way, the series carries on, even spinning off into Samurai and Weird Anime Pirate spinoffs.

What you may not know, is that really early on the series, they tried branching off into fighting with...Dynasty Warriors, the first in the long list of DW games. Because the only thing more realistic than one guy killing  hordes to  decide which family will rule the crown is solving it  in round based one on one deathmatches with spears and  swords.  However, after just one entry, Koei went back to slashemup action with the series.

Now, I'm not saying the franchise doesn't have enough characters for a fighting game. They're on, what, the 16th game? But even with that, the Dynasty crew seems a bit bare compared to what I'm guessing is the closest peer on that age: Soul Edge. Sure, Koei spiced up some guy from Chinese history. He's  still not as cool as mostly made up characters like Mitsurugi or Sophitia.

Final Fight

Serve it cold. To the dogs.

Final Fight was supposed to be a sequel to Street Fighter, but things turned out differently and  the game became a beatemup. However, the series has become inexorably linked to Capcom's  main fighting franchise through numerous cameos and even a cancelled crossover game.

That said, Final Fight had it's own attempt at the genre with  Final Fight Revenge, a game that brought  most of the crew back for  sort of a fighting game, only you could use weapon pickups. It would probably be considered the worst in the series, if Streetwise didn't have it's back.

Star Wars
I like how the name of the obscure martial arts is subdued. Star Wars: Masters is a good name, anyway.

Before Episode 1, there weren't  a gazillion known Jedi in Star Wars movies. There was Luke and Darth Vader. Even the Emperor wasn't a Jedi yet. Which is why, when Star Wars: Masters of Terras Kasi rolled around, it just did what any one of us would have done: put most of the main characters in the franchise in there to fight  you know, Han Solo, Princess Leia, one of those pig guys...

Awkwardness of the concept aside, it's the execution that has earned this game it's infamy. What's sadder is that apparently Capcom had  been commissioned to make  a Star Wars  fighting game, but when the license was taken away, Capcom went on to make Star Gladiator, a game that you don't have to squint too hard to see the Star Wars influence. Also, people don't  vomit expletives furiously when they remember it.

Sonic the Hedgehog

The gloves are off. Except they're not.

Sonic has always, be it on purpose or accidentally, followed on whatever the Mario franchise is doing, but usually with less success. Mario had a successful racing series, Sonic had 3 serieses. Mario had Tennis, Sonic got on that a couple years later.  Mario had a party series, and Sonic had a ... a thing. It's the nature of a company mascot to be in this kinds of games.

On the other hand, on  one thing Sonic had the jump on over  the mustachioed menace is having a fighting game. It wasn't even a party fighter, you fucking purists. It was straight one on one fighting title called Sonic The Fighters.

However, since Virtua Fighter had just met great success, Sega decided a 3D game that benefited from the finest polygons the mid 90s could offer was in order. By my estimation it should have been some kind of fast paced 2D fighter. But I guess that's why I  am not a big shot Sega executive.

The results are unseemly, as Sonic's familiar crew(who back then could fit in a living room) and some fresh new faces(now buried forever) sidestepped, punched and bored each other.

That said, because Sonic gets to try everything twice, there was a 2d party style fighter for the Game Boy Advance called Sonic Battle.  Kind of not the right console for a party fighter, eh?

Jurassic Park
Try a sick combo!

Look,  I'm a fan of dinosaurs fighting. When I rented Turok, I spent most of it trying to get dinosaurs to fight each other. I watch Jurassic Fight Club more than  regular Fight Club. I popped some quarters in that shitty Primal Rage game. But there's no way I can pretend that a  Jurassic Park fighting game makes sense. Just...no.

However, rather than settling the feud between Dennis Nedry and  Samuel L Jackson via dragon  punching, Jurassic Park: Warpath follows several dinosaurs with a grudge to bear in a fight...to the deth!  Fans of actual dinosaurs need not apply, as even the Raptors are roided up to huge size so their fights with the Rexes make more sense. Even plant eaters become killing machines!

However, since this IS using the Jurassic Park license, you  should know that even thought dinosaur accuracy is gone fishing , the game has several nice depictions(PS1 standard) of Jurassic Park places, including Islas Nublar and Sorna, and even San Diego! If you're wondering how this is canon to the movies, you should go out and get some fresh air.

Lobo

Lobo is the Deadpool of the 90s(I know: wait until I make my point!): An attempt at satirizing dynamics of the  comics market that got out of control in a very good way for the company that made him. Also, he was an insane gun for hire who got into crazy adventures and got under everyone's skin, just like Deadpool.

However, one must wonder what element of the murderous, gun toting, space Hawg riding, cigar chomping crazy exploits of a space bounty hunter lent themselves to a fighting game. But Ubisoft certainly must have felt they had the answers, as they developed the game for the SNES near the end of it's run.

How was it? It wasn't. Then game was cancelled, even though it was basically done. The system works!

Castlevania
Oh, my go! This series is so fat...


Konami, whose biggest success in the genre is a non-series of multi-console licensed titles about the Ninja Turtles, must have been having some kind of mid-life crisis when they decided to take Vampire whipping simulator  Castlevania through that crossover bridge that leads to the arena, where I'd like to imagine they met with Soul Calibur and Guilty gear going the other way, but headed for the same place: failure.

Castlevania's Fighting game has been called many things, but good isn't one of them. Boasting undead demons, breast obsessed little girls, succubi and those lovable vampire slayer Belmonts, the Wii fighter is looked back at with disgust and regret by fans of the series. Everyone else just didn't look.

Batman Forever:

Harveeey!


No, Batman Forever wasn't really a Fighting game. It was just a shitty Beat Em Up that tried to apply the old Mortal Kombat controls to an adventure game.

That said, the training mode had Batman/Robin face up against holographic goons in a mat in the Batcave. Or you could actually use most of the bad guys from the game as holograms beating each other up as well, in what I'm guessing is some sort of Batman masturbation aid. You could even play 2 player vs! I think that covers most of the requirements, right?

In my mind, what happened was, they planned to make a fighting game from the get go, until someone  told them making a fighting game based on the Batman Forever license was a terrible idea. Unwilling to scrap all that awesome mocap work, and with a deadline to meet, they quickly built a retarded, badly controlled adventure beatemup around what they had. See? The system fails!