I shed my pride...

Who wants some humble pie?

Oh, crap.

I should never have opened the door. I thought I was strong. I thought I would shame them.  What hubris!

I yield. I thought  I could watch that blasted Ponies show, then come back here and tell you all why it's not that great. Tell you how the hype doesn't hold. Tell you that you you where blowing it out of proportions. And now I need to figure out the answer of why it IS that great. Why? Why did I feel like watching it and not stopping? Why is it crack for the eyes and ears?

You see, what  was but one question (What's the big fuckin' deal with the fuckin' ponies?) has now become several less important questions that somehow hit me harder.  Questions like "Will we see Celestia's sister again?" and "Which time next week does the new season start? and "Why doesn't my cable provider have "The Hub"?

Why isn't this working as  a viable substitute?

Curse me! Curse my intent!  Even as I groaned every time the Cutie Mark Crusaders entered the screen, even when I realized the eye lasers and forearm missiles just weren't coming, I could not stop myself. It is madness that there are shows I know I should be watching, like the Anime X-Men, and...well, I decided to watch Ponies instead.

It is madness! There is "nothing" in this show for me. Why, I started watching several old shows in the last couple of months. Why is this one the one I followed through on it? I cannot condense it down to snark. I cannot just praise it. It's terrible!

Oh, and Paheal is RUINED for me. I used to go "yeah, some sick fuck gets his rocks off to ponies being fucked". But now I feel...bothered by seeing this characters in R34 situations. I do not usually feel this for characters I like. Usually it's either "Hey, Rogue naked! or "Ew, I don't want to see Pinky and the Brain doing THAT!" It must have arrived at some kind of sick threshold. I'm not the "leave them alone" type, but that's what's in my head. No, DON'T show me Twilight Sparkles getting screwed by some flying penis. DON'T.How the fuck is she gonna tell Princess Celestia later? Have you no shame?

Oh, what foolery! What a fool I was! I should have stayed away!  None of this would be happening! Heed my advise! You are not strong enough! Stay away!

Oh, well, back to  my otherwise manly activities.

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...And the horse you rode in....

It was inevitable...

Working in the irony mines isn't all fun and games. There's a lot of stuff that just passes you by. Like I WANTED to watch Heroes,  but I never got around to it. I'm sort of a general geek, but I never got around to getting into Harry Potter, or Fringe, or Battlestar. And I can't blame it on poorness. I COULD just stream it.

Yet there is one show that came so highly recommended, I  had to overcome a lifelong bias against the franchise.

You see, I'm not a stranger to girly things. I used to watch Skydancers all the time. And I always pick female characters in fighting games. I have fanart of Wordgirl, for fuck's sake. But I just can't get into this "My Little Pony" Business.

See, when  I was young, my Mom  bought me and my Brother  each a one of them ponies. They weren't nearly as stylized as they are now, though. But my father, worried about this stunting our development, took them away.

I think mine was blue, though...

I went on to do many "gay" things I'm saving for their own  series, and grew secure enough on my manliness to wear a T-Shirt with Mandy on it to work. No dice on the ponies though. That franchise was tainted for me.

I'm available, ladies...

But, more than that, I don't need to prove anything. If you guys are recommending me a show with ponies on it, it needs to be more than just good. It needs to knock my fuckin' socks off.  Just because Rob Bricken and Chris Sims like it doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I finally caved in, and watched the first ten  adventures of Twilight Sparkles, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and the Retard* in the hopes of finding out what the fuzz was about.

And you know what, fuck you guys for being so insecure. It's just an average show!  The pastel artwork is nice, the voices  are good, Cree Summer is good, the writting is good. It's just a decent show for girls that's sort of tolerable for boys. Is that all? And here I thought you guys where adopting nicknames and  stuff for something that's actually really great. Like, they barely fight at all!
 
How pathetic do you guys get? Lording over us that you like  a sorta-good show that happens to be geared towards girls? Why don't you tell people you like something you really shouldn't like, like "A Serbian Film" or "Johnny Test"? Hey, you guys, I like Fefe Dobson! Woooooooo!

So that's it. I am not a bronie, or Brawnie or whatever. I'm not gonna be doing any fanart for this one. I'm just gonna finish all the current episodes, for research. And then go back to stuff where people shoot lasers from their eyes and missiles from their forearms.

*I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie. I know you're actually misunderstood.  I love you. Not as much as Applejack, though.And Cree Summer doesn't voice you so... Wha...Hey, buddy, article's over!

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6 songs that Kidz Bop thinks are appropriate for children

Once a great songwriter from my country said "Children make terrible singers". Or something to that effect.

And then the boy wizard got to him.

But don't tell that to the makers of Kidz Bop, a series of music CDs of covers of Top 40s music as sung by children and teenagers. Since October, 2001(I'm not gonna say anything if you don't say anything...) the Kidz troupe of what I guess is an everchanging cast of preteens have been singing the songs you're already tired of hearing in the radio in Biannual albums .

It goes without saying that not every song that hits the top 40 is appropriate  for all ages. Invariably you're gonna end with a mix of songs with different ranges in mind. It was only natural that Kidz Bop was gonna run into this problem.But which are the least kid-like? How did they deal with it?  I looked at the track list of every main Kidz Bop release looking for the truth. And I found it.

The Song

Headstrong, by Trapt.

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a confrontational song.It might not specify it, but it's about potentially starting a fight with somebody. If you think that's ambiguous  find a random stranger and tell him "Back off: I'll take you on! I'm head strong to take on anyone!" and see if they think you meanto  take them on in a fucking boat race. Also, the lyrics include such child friendly material as "I see you're full of shit!" and "FUUUUUUCK!"

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

First off, by cheating. They clearly got someone a little older to sing the verses AND choir, and only use kids as choir backup.  This is the only version on the YT, which even the kids that uploaded seem to dread and only use when the real one wasn't available.

Secondarily,  they  just use that censor thing where distracted moms listening for swear words only hear " I stick my _ into your _". It's still a song about starting a fight with jerks, though. But I guess it's about fighting jerks near an elementary school now.

What stwength! But don't fowget dew aw many guys like yoo all ova da wald!

The Song

Rihanna's Umbrella (also, every single human being has  done a cover.)

What do you mean it's not for kids?

The song is clearly not about umbrellas. That's just a metaphor for sexual dependency and security. If you want to  claim it's about sentient parasols, then why does the song continually go "Come into me! ! People don't go into umbrellas. Unless you count Albert  Wesker and Tom the Cat as people, and civil rights ain't advanced that far.

He's turned on!

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they didn't. All of the innuendo is here, even the part about the hand being hard. I guess innuendo is cool, because kids are stupid. It's okay, you morons! It's about Uno! In the rain!

They did fade out before the part where Rihanna continually asks someone to come into her. But that's not censorship, that's bad DJing.

The Song

Axel F-Crazy Frog

What do you mean it's not for kids?

I realize that there might be kids that where born in 2005, and might be unaware of what Crazy Frog is. And due to my use of images to drive up traffic, they might have gotten here looking FOR Kidz Bops. For those of you, sit by the virtual  campfire, and hear my tale.


Way before you where born, there was a  movie called Beverly Hills Cop. It starred Eddie Murphy. Back then your parents made out in his movies instead of  divorcing in them.


Then in 2005 a fad was jump started called Crazy Frog, which involved voice altered "frog" trying to reproduce the sounds of motorcars. I do not know the full history. I...dread it. All I know is it began with a "cover" of the catchy theme from that movie, and that more than one album was produced.It was one of those inescapable things.


I advocate that the whole trend was awful, and should not have been thrust on anyone. But to do a cover of mouthfarts is just offensive. Some kids would have liked crazy Frog. Why would they need a KIDS VERSION!?

You and me both, lady...

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By getting the lyrics wrong. Why look at the lyrics to "Axel F" ...and despair.

And now look at...are you with someone? You  don't have any depression problems or anything like that? Because the only version I found is on a showcase of Original Sonic characters which is both terror inducing, and terrifyingly fitting. So if you're under suicide watch or something, take my word for it.

The important part is that  they didn't even do it right. That they somehow SCREWED UP CRAZY FROG. How can one not get the proper amount of Rings, Brems, Dums and Baas wrong. No , don't look at me, you're the ones who wanted kids to sing along to Crazy Frog!

The Song

Livin' la Vida Loca-Ricky Martin

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Okay, let's get this out of the way: Ricky Martin is a brave man for pretending to be straight when it was economically convenient and utilizing his gayness to sell books and concerts and get you grings talking about him again. The fact that he was wearing a Team Rocket brand ladies' man costume during this part of his career is not inherently inappropriate. I mean, come on, dudes, what do you think "loca" means to Puerto Ricans?

However, I fail to see how you Yankees continually use this song on things for kids. This song is about some kind of sex-crazed she-thing that drugs and seduces Ricky  Martin. It's about fucking some crazy ass seductress. "Upside-Inside out". You know. Of her cooch. And while I wouldn't mind a having a shot at some crazy ass, super Brazilian superwoman...he's more likely referring to the woman who turned him Gay in the first place, Mexican Rockstress Alejandra Guzman, who had a shot at a far too young Martin. Kid's singing groups are fun!

No fair to use this photo, I know. She was younger when she ate his scrotum.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, "the bullet through the brain bit" is gone.  So, you know, she slipped you a sleeping pill and date raped you and stole your money, but no gun metaphors!  Kid's might start to metaphorically shoot each other or something.

The Song

If I were a Boy-Beyonce

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a song about the gender inequalities a millionaire, Grammy award winner actress has to suffered at the hands of men. Like Guys being able to lie and cheat and no one ever judges them, no. But a woman has one little beer with a man, and she's getting  Sorayaemmed up in this bitch!

But seriously, kids, learn this broad typifications of 1940s gender relations because otherwise, Beyonce and her feminist husband, Jay Z can't get a Cadillac made out of Albino elephants.

If she were a boy, what group would she have ditched? Boyz to Men?

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By cutting that entire part of the song. You know, the one about cheating and about drinking and stuff. Now its' a song about being able to wear unironed shirts without our peers mocking us and being able to hang out with however we wanted and not be confronted for it. Wait, you're kids, who the fuck are you planning to hang out with, a drug dealer? We're your parents, we say who you can or can't hang out with!

The Song

California Gurls-Katy Perry

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Look, I know all about regional pride in your women. With admition that I don't know if Katy is from California or whatever. I don't think I should ask too many questions.



But to have girls singing about bikini tops and being sexy and that whole "melt your Popsicle" business. She ain't singing about no goddamn ice-cream! I don't know if I can explain how kids singing that is creepy. But it is. Or it would be.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they try to subdue the more racy elements of the song, like  changing "gin and juice" to sippin' on my juice" and now the boys break their necks "trying to act a little crazy".

Insanity!

Physical descriptions of girl's clothing in the choir are now 'Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock", Which I guess was thought up by a think-tank of an 80s rapper, a hairdresser, and an ironic hipster.



However, their "sun-kissed beach" will still "melt my popsicle". I don't care that you switched the scenario to one where Ice-cream doesn't melt unless it's hot outside and only California has the proper conditions for that to happen. It's still a metaphor for ejaculation. Now it's just geophilia. Stop it! Why does this song  make less sense without Snoop Dog!? CURSE YOU, KIDZ BOOOOOOOP!

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