Scolding Review: Lurking Evil

I had this once. In the Scruffydragon Forums mostly.

Being a reviewer is weird now that everybody's a critic. I don't really honestly expect my opinion will actually sway you against watching an affront to all that is good like King of Fighters. In a weird way we've  come around to admiting that this shit is a mite bit personal, and that maybe my advise about Terminator Salvation is pointless if you're, say, a Terminator completist or some kind of Moon Bloodgood whore.

So the question I'm posing is,  Are we giving points for effort? You see, my sister bought one of those DVD packs with a dozen lame movies nobody would have bought on their own, full of bad camera angles and killers who  never show up and those stupid endings where everyone gets killed. 

And among these, they put Lurking Evil.

1994? Holy shit, my first guess put this near the 70s!

Lurking Evil is not like these other films, and I suspect it benefits from being surrounded by these other terrible films. Who puts a low budget 90s movie among  0 budget  2k films? Oh, it's not great. However, it is a movie, which is more more than I can say of many of it's bundle-buddies.

The film starts of with two sisters  having a discussion on  what seems to be  some kind of dilapited castle. You see, one sister, which had a baby recently, really wanted the other one to carry a gun, while the second one was understandably worried about packing a piece near a baby.

For you see, these sisters, aren't in castle Fankenstein by accident, but are instead hiding from some kind of unseen horror.  Eventually said horror  peeks it's scraggly hands through a barricade and uses a wire hanger to  pull the baby's crib out to itself. Trust me, a wire hanger is not strong enough to drag an ANYTHING. My sister leaves her keys in her car a lot, I know what I'm talking about here.

 

Steve Tyler's family reunion.

The Pro-gun sister steps in for the save, but she gets bloodied and dragged away for her trouble. Hey, I know the topic of guns in America is a divisive subject, but nobody disagrees that the one advantage they have over knives is not having to get close enough to your enemies to get folded up like a clean towel.

We get  credits, and  as you'd expect, there aren't any names you know in there except HP Lovecraft. Apparently this movie's plot is based by one of Love-C's short stories. I wouldn't know if this is accurate or now, because I'm holding on  on reading Lovecraft's collected works . It's on my list, under all the Harry Potter movies, Game of Thrones seasons 1-2, and Angel Blade Punish.

 

I'd like to think the animators don't actually know how many penises a woman has.

The we meet our hero, a rough and tumble former criminal accused of a crime he didn't commit, just as he's coming out of of doing time.  He heads to his closest living relative, who runs the funeral home, and has hidden some drugs and money on   corpses  that our hero is to unearth and sell. But unknown to him, some thugs, a boss, a femme fatale, and a big guy, come immediately after he leaves and force the funeral home guy to tell them about the drugs.

Let's put this one in the refrigerator I stuff all my other drugs in.

We also meet the surviving sister from the prologue and some guy who looks like a young Emile Hamilton from Man of Steel. They talk about their plan to kill the ominous things by blowing up a church. Both of them, and a pregnant lady convene in the church, with a reverend who's not fully in favor of destroying  his working place.

I think the pregnant lady is bait, because honestly if she has any other use here we never see. If I were pregnant in a town full of monsters why...well it'd probably be too late if even the men are pregnant. But, you know, I'd take my monster baby and get the hell out.

So the drinking game is you're supposed to take a drink every time the existence of a monster is driving you mad.

They're mostly done wiring up the place to blow when our hero stumbles upon their cemetary, trying to find his drugs.  The sister kidnaps him at gun point.

But then the thugs show u, kidnap our hero AND the church crew. All that they want is to find their drug corpse. Femme Fatale does show an interest in pregnant lady, asking her who her "gone" baby-daddy was so she could kill him. However, she seems  have some emmity with the sister.

I just want to lick your baby's feet as he comes out. Is that so bad?

They finally drag hero out to dig his granma's corpse, which presumably has the drugs. But then not only does it not have the drugs, but the tomb caves in, and  our hero is carried by the monster, which is basically the Cryptkeeper from tales from the  crypt after staring too much at the sun.

Our hero somewhat or somehow escapes through an inner barricade built to keep out the monsters, upon which all of them see the monster, so we don't have to put up with any more minutes of people not believing in a monster the audience knows is real. The muscle exclains it might be  a bear. You know, one of those famous underground, lanky, furless bears we've all seen on TV documentaries.

However, instead of bailing out on the whole thing, our crime boss thinks it's a good idea to keep searching for the gold.  Muscle gets dragged out of  a tinted glass, which, while probably painful, is a lot classier than getting dragged out of a regular  old glass window.

"I'm not a bear, I'ma twink! Learn your gay sub-groups!"

The explosion crew and hero-man  turn the tide on their captors, and soon have them tied up to the walls. The reverend tries to bargain with the monster to kill him and not everyone else, and tells the monster he's gonna get a good parking space in heaven. The monster tells him God is Satan and rips out his heart.

Tim Burton's Les Miserables.

Sister goes out to get a gasoline truck, heroman 's distracted by Femme Fatel long enough for  crime boss to get out, and  Emil Hamilton gets killed, failing to keep Pregnant lady from getting dragged off underground.

Birthmark, or just a bad burn.

It all comes to a head underground, where the monsters are patiently waiting to eat pregnant lady's baby as soon as it plops out. There doesn't seem to be a reason, but I don't see a reason to take the peel off a grape either. They're the experts on baby eating, I'll defer to their judgement.

Crime boss and Hero fall in, and the monsters are all for eating them now. Except Hero's related to them somewhat, thorugh his birthmark, a steak shaped coloration between his shoulder and his arm. He manages to escape by, and you trust me that no one questions it, lighting an severed arm on fire, and he kind of brings along the pregnant lady and the sister. Crime boss sees his sought after drugs and money and gambles to try and stay here.

"I don't know how I knew it was going to work.

The  sister brings with a gas-truck, and blows the whole damn thing off. All the monsters are killed. The end,

So, you see, maybe in another context, I wouldn't give a crap about some 90s  low-budget horror film. Certainly not enough to write about it. But In the context of this one night, where the other horror movie I watched was 70% "People talking about dull stuff in broad daylight" , it is worth considering. Context is everything, and I can't recommend you watch a shitty movie, just so you can make this shitty movie look better.

So if you're interested in a movie that has action and monsters, and some semblance of a plot, Lurking Evil is kind of that, I guess?  But there's certainly better movies with better action and better monsters. So I guess it depends on how much you love monsters and action vs how much you don't love poor editing, obvious sets, bad acting and senseless story. Do whatever you want, I'll go watch Pacific Rim again.

Continue

Don't Fear the Rip-off: Travesty and Roll Out

There is another world.

Under the glitzy, gajillion dollar hollywood super-blockbuster, but over the current of indie documentaries about dying of dyphteria in New Equatorial Guinea, it lies. Tiptoing the line between riding a recognizable product's coat-tales, and just straight up infringing them, knowing full well WB execs don't usually walk into Always 99.

In this world, you get shit like this.

The T-Bots Coloring activity book. Unafraid of any legal proceeding from Hasbro (after all, the concept of shape-shifting androids has already been copied several times without much consequence.)  the distributors burst right in. This is how you do it. Catch the confused step parents right before they can ask which one is Bumblebee.

But you may have some questions, seeing this cover. What exactly is inside? How do they expect kids to know what colors their ravenously plagiarized  characters are? Are there even characters in this? Why don't we let Schoolzone.com fill us in?

Take on the world with “T” Bots Morphing Robots. Give your child a pair of coloring books with a fun techno-twist. They offer a great break from more focused learning activities, plus, perforated, tear-out pages make for on-the-go coloring action and easy-to-display masterpieces

You got all that? This is a break from more focused activities, like eating paste and staring at their own noses. Don't be asking no dumb questions and buy or get out! Also, haha, you already bought it. But if you must know, this is what 55 Cents to 4 bucks get you...

Give me your face! Mine sort of sucks.

I call this guys Bestimus Primo. Presumably the leader of the T-Bots, Bestimus is clearly wondering about where Shia Lebouf  Michael Arangano is gone off to. Say what you will about him having a little Cylon in him, but they sure where commited to ripping of Transformer's motiff of them actually transforming into things, with the details like the wheels intact.(although with no actuall transformation as far as I could see) The could have just gone with some random, Transformer-ish robots and called it a day.

Of course, they gotta have some alternate forms, too. Otherwise it doesn't work.

The turbines are for flying, as penguins are known to do.

Yes! A Robot Penguin. We're clearly skipping right past Beastwars into Transmetals, because Iceborg here would not fool anyone if he apeared at your local zoo, trying to tap dance his way into freedom.

My skimming through the book showed me plenty of pages which uncluded animal forms, including a robot wasp and a robot whale.  Those things have happened, and probably could happen, respectively. But in all honestly, how do you color that? Do you color it off-color, like the kind of bad Waspinator knock off it presumably is? Is the robot whale the color of an actual whale?  

One thing's  for sure: the Tbots has trimmed a lot of the more obvious violence of the original, and instead opted more for characters posing and never doing anything more specific than that. While the parents are probably a little relieved that no one is getting his exaust port blown to pieces, perhaps you need to look at the other cover.

"Only one of my arms is guns...I'm such a failiure..."

"Gunblebee" here isn't to become your pet.  He's coming out of the war explosions with his hand out asking if you're perhaps join him in his dance with death. The T-Bot! It's exactly what meets the eyes!

Continue

Scolding Reviews: Generation X

Stay on top, or remain from the underground...

Where a bit spoiled for choice, now, aren't we? I mean, us nerds. Used to be a time when no one thought X-Men franchise was going to exist in live action. That is, until the first X-Men movie: 1996 TV movie pilot Generation X. Finally, we could overlook and ignore the idea for 4 more years!

This weird, forgotten little nugget starts with a dictionary description of what mutation is, as well as the illegal status of having the X-Gene. You're not gonna get no Senate hearings, here, no siree. Just pure mutant hunting! Sentinels, Soldiers...

Just kidding.  What did you think? It's straight to T.V.!

Then we see a scientist called Russel preparing to open up someone crab-handed mutant's cranium. Luckily for the would be lobotomy victim, a lady bursts in the room and starts freeing him. Turns out the thing wasn't quite legal. However, neither was the guy, as he's quickly taken away by the Anti-Mutant squad. Russel is fired, which pisses the lady off because she expects her boss to do some additional course of action that is never explained. In fact, she gets so angry, she uses her mutant powers to create a small storm inside the building. Boy, did you just make Storm white?

Yorrr NEKST!

No, actually she's Emma Frost.  She walks out of the scene despite using her non canon weather powers in the open, where the Mutant Hunting Squad mustn't have even gotten to the elevator. Russel is furious, and we know, because there's a cartoon circle fadeout!

Not so merry melodies...

Then we cut to the tearfull goodbye of a Hispanic family to Hector, a young man headed for Xavier Academy. It's not too bad a scene, that is, until one of his sisters gets a little to attached to him, and as the car keeps moving she holds on to his hand, which stretches. This seems to really hurt him. I guess this was supposed to be both a tender moment and a showing of Hector's powers. Instead, it makes the sister seem psycho.

But evil is afoot, as Russel has been busy putting Subliminal messages on Virtua Fighter arcades ordering kids to "PLEY MOAR", which might seem unnecessary with people involved already ENGAGING IN USE OF THE PRODUCT, but a quick glance at the screen reveals Jubilee is often just hitting the sticks on Demo Mode.


Oh, yeah, Jubilee's in this movie. Only she's not half Chinese, half 90s slang anymore. Before you start another  "Racebending" type site, she was originally slated to be either Boomer, or Dazzler, but  since Jubilee was popular in the cartoon they put her in, changing the character's role. That's right, this 3 where actually considered interchangeable as starter X-Men  characters!

The trial ends in 15 days.

Jubilee's powers are soon made to go haywire by Russel's subliminal messages, making those sparks that she's known for.  As such, the Gestapo IMMEDIATELY show up to send her to "mutant camp".  However, she's picked up by Banshee and Emma Frost, the later of which uses a neat Jedi trick to break her out of detention.

As soon as they are out of the building, Jubilee starts trying to wriggle away from the two, without even  trying to wonder what they want with her. I can see her getting a block away from the Mutant Detention Center, then getting caught right the fuck up again.

Ah, the silliness of X-Men shining through. Where concentration camps exist in a world where you can't say faggot on T.V. Will Smith can't talk about Hitler without getting in trouble, but human beings with literally no rights can just be hoarded of to some non-descript place because they have the X-Gene. I'm just saying, you'd probably have some of them Civil Rights organizations on the  side of mutants.

So she agrees to go with Good Cop and Bad Accent Cop and they tell her, in those exact words, that she's being trained to be a superhero. See, in the X-Men movie series they never used the term because the X-Men are technically meant to be a force for mutant issues. That they fight people that have nothing to do with that like Arcade or the Brood has nothing to do with it. But here, they are straight telling her she's gonna fight crime, even thought Mutant Genocide is well implied. They probably knew Magneto was only gonna show every once in 3 months and the rest of the time was gonna be spent between mourning Phoenix, fighting  Phoenix and trips to the Savage Land.

Speaking of shit that doesn't have anything to do with the Mutant Struggle, Russel is speaking with his exec partner about how excited he is that he found a level 3 mutant brain because this furthers his goals by allowing him to access the dream dimension. See, dreams occur in another dimension, even the weird ones where you cut your brother's thumb off in the Halo universe, and  Russel asks his friend to "imagine the commercial possibilities for a free market omnipotent being." No, don't ask me. I didn't write it.

More importantly, Russel begins down the path to the character he really wants to be.

Yes, he's the Riddler from Batman Forever. The mind devices, the weird overacting, the sudden impersonations. The actor clearly researched that before doing this one. The only thing he's missing is a crush on Val Kilmer.

So, Hector and Jubilee arrive in Xavier's School for gifted youngsters(Charles Xavier not included). It's the same building  as in the future movies, too. However, there are not a lot of open shots of it. Either way, Jubilee has to get naked for some test thing, and since Xavier's institute likes being sued, no one has to leave or anything. The scene is pretty much an excuse for us to see Jubilee's naked back. Hey, she's 19, I checked!

Then it's time for Jubs and Hector to meet their fellow students. There's Black Jock, who can absorb properties of things. Blond Jock, who has both X-Ray vision and eye-lasers(YES!). There's Insecure Girl, who doesn't want people to see she's Superstrong because she has supermanly muscles. And there's Bitch Mutant, who cites herself as being "perfect" and having "level 8 invincibility". Wowee, I never knew invincibility was so nuanced.

3 out of this for foursome act with ridiculous, unjustified hostility toward the newcomers.  Without any reason they verbally and physically harass them, despite the fact they have no reason to. That's what teenagers are like, right? Especially teenagers who have had to live in exile and be separated from their loved ones? They're instajerks, right?

So, the kids eventually play some Football, which ends into a sort of friendly pileup. But Banshee can't have that in his school, so he uses his mutant powers to break it up. It's a nice use of his powers, but we could make it better.

So after some more jerking around, Banshee and Emma Furostu show up again to show the kids Cerebro(A room full of monitors. Hey, what was you expecting?) and teach them psychic powers. Yes, they all learn psychic powers.  That's how mutants work in  Generation X. Like in Fable.

Also, we see a small hint at the hatred this kids go through, as in the lounge room, the TV shows an interview with a pundit comparing the X-Gene to Aids. Naturally, Blond Jock destroys the television, which is met with approval by the kids. Why where they even watching that in the first place? And won't they want to watch something else in the future?

So the Excec and Dr Russel have different variations of the same conversation ("Don't fuck it up!" "I'm so weird! I will fuck it up!") which is pretty fillery, but since the actor who plays Russel gets the weridest lines in the world, and turns the camp up to eleven, it's tolerable.

Eventually, the X-kids convince Banshee to let them drive into town. Yes, a jeep full of impulsive teens with aggressive tendencies and superpowers, with no supervision. You know, parents trust the Xavier Institute with this kid's lives. And even though a trip to the town could land them in Gitmo, they STILL let them. Damn.

Also, leave your 90210 jokes at home. They brought their own.

Eventually Hector runs into some lighthearted bullies who  shove his face in Ice cream for liking the girl of the group.  This of course, causes indignation in Hector's current bullies from the Institute. No, I see what you did there, movie. I guess the bullies have their own bullies, too, right?

Tired of it all, Hector uses his hacking skills to  access a restricted room in the school in which Emma Frost's dream traveling machine resides.

Also, it tones your abs.

But he's not the only one with big dreams, as Russel the next day demonstrates his own dream-ey access-ey machine to a boardroom of investors. They're skeptical, so he tells them he implanted in their mind, through dreams a trigger to fart at a particular hour. This, rather than convincing them to invest in a machine, makes them decide to turn him in to the authorities. I guess the same world where a gene can be considered illegal already has legal provisions against mental takeover, huh?

So Russel kills the Exec by throwing him off a bulding. Yes. Just like the Riddler.

Flying menace!

So, Jubilee and Hector try the machine. She enters first, but Russel is also there, and he creeps her out with his weirdness and his harassy nature. She comes out of the machine crying and saying it was terrible. Hector, seeing this JUMPS INTO THE MACHINE. Yeah, not a smart one, that Hector. But  he travels into the dreams of his dreamgirl, which involve her combing her hair, in her room. Wow, what an airhead. Anyway, Russel also shows up and promises to help Hector with his dream-girl troubles.

But then the cops IRL disconnect him from his machine, which leaves his mind stranded in the dreamstate. This seems painfull, then he seems to enjoy it. The scene kinda just ends.

The next night, the kids are allowed into a carnival. You know...I'm kinda seeing the mutant registration  side of things. How am I supposed to enjoy a good  carnival worrying about some unsupervised teens who can kill me without even trying? Bitch mutant shows off, Blond Jock and Insecure Girl make out in the car, and Hector meets his girl outside the Matrix. Then her bully friends show up and try to harass him again, which starts a fight with the Xavier kids. This gets them in trouble with Emma Frost, who could ascertain that it wasn't their fault if she only read their mind. I guess she isn't a telepath anymore?

Wigs where part of this franchise from the start.

Hector sneaks into the Fantasy Zone once more, and executes a terrible dance sequence with the girl, when shock of shocks, Russel appears again. He begs for Hector to free his body from the mental hospital it's trapped in so he can enter his mind again. He doesn't want to, and that's when shit gets creepy.

Russel threatens that he will...and he uses the exact words "mind-rape"  his girl if he doesn't complain. As an added creepy bonus, he brings up his little sister from earlier(I guess her mind), licks her face, and threatens to rape her mind as well. Wow that's another one for the rape tag.

I don't seek these out. I swear I don't. They come to me!

Hector becomes involved and frees Russel's body and mind(eww). But Russel pays him by kidnapping him for purposes of cutting off his brain. I thought he wanted Jubilee. But I forgot: Nobody wants Jubilee.

Everybody hates you.

Hector uses his...psychic powers...to contact Jubilee and ask for help, which brings but to the film's climax as all the X-Kids, Banshee and Emma Frost head out to fight one middle aged guy with no powers. Needless to say it's pretty one sided. The guy gets zapped, punched, fireworked. But after he's blasted through a wall, he comes back and he's all powerful and behind the wall was the Dream Dimension. I did not understand this.

So Frost offers to stay and go down with Russel, but  Hector instead wraps around him and throws both him and the villain down the eternal hole of the dreamstate. It seems both are gone, but Hector comes back using his stretchy powers.

Winding down, we see that the kids are gonna get uniforms. Here's why we can't have source accurate X-suits, kids.

And yet Emma Frost never uses lingerie as her primary wear.

This movie is...a T.V. movie about X-Men, made in the 90s. It's exactly what you'd imagine by that. The action is pretty bad, and the acting isn't great. A lot of this stuff just can't be realized on a low budget.  The characters aren't really that likeable, though the villain is pretty fun, before he becomes too creepy. I suggest if you like obscure films like those Captain America movies or that terrible Fantastic Four 1994 movie,  or if you need to see every superhero movie out there, give this a chance. If you are lactose intolerant, stay away, 'cause this shit is cheesy.

Continue

Scolding Reviews: Inspector Gadget 2

There's a dog in this movie, kids! You like that shit, right?

I've always sustained that, when adapting, you can't let  the original material being simple stop you in the way of making  a good product. Sure, the original Transformers series wasn't the height  of writing, but that's where you come in and make it interesting. Give new layers to the story and characters. Do a fresh take.

Or you could  have  pee jokes and questionable morality. And then blame the original material.

1999's Inspector Gadget was...not the best movie in the world and certainly not the best adaptation of the source material either.. However, the original cartoon had a pretty thin premise: A cybernetic doofus detective spy gets into worldwide adventures against a dangerous organization while a combination of luck and help from children and dogs win the day, which lead everyone, from the series' unseen villain to the hero himself, to think he was a force to reckoned with. The movie, however, was about a cybernetic mall cop who gets tooth paste put on him, and through a combination of Talking Car and the power of heart gets to defeat the always seen villain.

Also, Boy bands where involved.

In that sense, the 2003 sequel is closer to the source material. However, it still lives in the same universe as the first movie. In more senses than one.

The movie starts with Gadget going after an old lady for a slight speeding violation. It turns out, thought, she was the Police chief's mother, turning this into a twisted thriller about corruption and nepotism.

Also, they sort of recast everyone. Mathew Broderick, Michelle Tretchenberger, Rupert Everett...none of them are back.In their place we have an Earnest like Camera mugger, some girl who barely registers, and some guy in Panama hats. Even the thugs where recast. I guess they where just too good for a 3 years too late straight to video, severely lower budget cash in, right?

The whole thing is.

It turns out Gadget is just bored because, between  movies, he defeated all crime in the city. This is, despite his system "glitching out", which in this case is that Inspector Gadget thing where he orders one thing, and another entirely different thing comes out. He's sort of always had that.

It's worth noting that the cartoon sound effects from  Inspector Gadget Uno are mostly gone. However, in keeping with the spirit of the first movie, he's still filled with mostly things that don't help the fight against crime. Think about this: this Man Machine project must have cost millions: why would you put chewing gum in there? Even in the original cartoons, it was mostly useful stuff like telescopic arms and helicopter craniums. And that was a cartoon!

You're gonna be a bad motherfucker...when you're not blowing bubbles.

Still, while the local science guy is unable to help with his glitches, he subtly hints at the encroaching obsolescence of Gadget, which he doesn't seem to take too seriously. Also, Penny, who somehow managed  to not be like Michelle Tretchenberger Or the cartoon Penny without being like, black or a man or  something, wants to solve cases with her uncle. However, the plot soon gets going as Dr Claw escapes from jail.  And now they're trying an entirely different voice, closer to the menacing original as well as trying to do the whole "you can't see him" thing ..

See, most kids in 2003 probably wouldn't get a Blofeld rip off parody that wasn't fucking Dr Evil, but the essence is that the character is mysterious.  Now, we saw this Claw, and he's still the Dr Claw that has "the clamps". Everyone sees him, in broad daylight. Why bother? If you're gonna make a sequel to the movie, make a sequel to the movie. At least his promise to gain weight at the end of the first one sort of came true.

So , the Good Doctor plans to steal the federal reserve, which is now in Inspector Gadget's city because it's so safe with a guy who can shoot toothpaste on a whim(with a 10% margin of error in which a novelty umbrella comes out instead).  So in 10 days they are tasked with stealing a laser, fuel cells and a ruby. Knowing science won't help you guess what he's planning.

Meanwhile, at a gala event, they announce a sequel to the original Gadget, the all robot, all woman G2.

Hot French Cop Action!

 Yes, even though crime is a thing of the past, they still felt the need to add more robots to the city. Here's a thought: Why not share your cyborgs with towns that DO have crime? Maybe rent them?

That said, G2 is pretty cool. Played rather robotically by Elaine Hendrix and given a moderately cool costume, she's essentially the highlight of this movie.

Anyway, Gadget  becomes worried that he might no longer be necessary, and this existential crisis  lends a  lot of characterization has an erection at the sight of G2.  Even after he's publicly humiliated in front of a live audience, Gadget still has the hots for her, and even being taken off the Claw case doesn't engender any animosity toward G2. I have a penis too, but if a sexy lady stole my job from under my nose, I'd still be angry with her.

Under Penny's advise, Gadget enters undercover in one of those bars where Steven Seagal beats people up, dressed like half Matches Malone, half Patch. But being a lovable buffoon, he quickly gets people punching him, while Penny successfully sneaks into Dr Claws  evil Henchmen audition, which includes a dude called "The Ninja".  When asked why he's called that, he flips into the air and cuts a fly off the guy's forehead.

They call me Ninja because of my introverted personality and  tendency to hide from my  landlord.

So, G2 comes to Gadget's rescue, because he doesn't have enough toothbrushes in his hands to deal with a bar full of surly PG13 bikers.

After proving her superiority a second time, G2 finds herself with macking and offers of working together by Gadget. But she works alone, damn it! I don't question why the city would put breasts on a crime fighting robot. Breasts tend to make those better. But wouldn't they WANT a cooperative robot?

Still, Gadget gets threatened with being fired if he interferes again with the case. But as you might have guessed, he goes there anyway. And ruins everything G2's graphically deficient, poorly  edited fight scene accomplished and the bad guys get away with the fuel cells.

However, she does fail to recognize this as "surrender". It's ED-209 all over again.

Gadget gets demoted to toilet scrubbing duties which, to be fair, he's better equipped to do than crime fighting. While Claw takes a pretty good dig at this, he also unveils his next plan, the acquisition of an experimental laser. But they would need to distract Gadget with a red herring letter. Gadget, however discusses the letter with her Niece by doing that thing where a character says something, and then the second one says it like he didn't hear it. You know, like in the Flinstones. For those of you playing at home, the answer is "very, very old and not even that funny back then".

Regardless, Gadget goes to a science fair, because it could be a trap.  There, two of Claw's Henchmen, disguised as bespectacled Rosie O'Donnell and bespectacled  Helen DeGeneres successfully implant a device on Gadget that lends Claw direct control of him. With full control of his archenemy, Claw  makes him embarrass himself by spilling his McDonald's Combo(even a McHotdog!), making him dance and making him slime a Nobel prize winner.

Seriously, I don't know what they are.

Now, I know this movie is directed at kids. It would be unfair of me to ask that Claw make Gadget kill himself, or go after his loved ones and murder them slowly. However, spilling your product placement is not the best option here either. How about making Gadget steal the laser? Then we could have had some G2 vs Gadget action.

Then Inspector Gadget gets thrown off the force even after explaining what happened. He struggles with finding a job despite being a crime ending celebrity that apparently even won an Academy Award. Come on, dude, Charlie Sheen never won no Oscar, and he still gets gigs, despite murder attempts. No other city wants a crime fighter cyborg that ends crime?

Penny continues to try and keep on the case, but she gets browbeat by Gadget. She says  he doesn't believe in her and goes off to cry.

You know what this is? It's set up for betrayal. I've seen it a million times. First they establish the lack of trust and increasing rancor between each part.  Then there's a scene like this:

P-Penny? What are you doing here? I heard a Henchmen of Dr Claw was around here...

Don't you get it, uncle Gadget? You never trusted me! You threw me under the bus, even as I was 3 times the detective you will ever be!

What are you saying Penny? Penny what are YOU TALKING ABOUT? Don't let this get out of hand, Penny. (mugs at the Camera)

Here's the punchline to that stupid pun, Uncle.

Nooooooooo!

What? Uh, Daydreaming again... No, she doesn't stay down for long. Cue the montage of Penny detective-ing, Gadget failing at life, and Claws Henchmen stealing, even though they only need one more thing. Who knows.  Then Dr Claw and his men hit a fundraiser event, use laughing gas on everyone, subdue G2 and make off with the Ruby. Of course, Gadget was a valet at the event, and he successfully remains ignorant of it. He even opens the door for the villains. I call bull on that one.

Come on, Gadget, you recognize this guy. He's like a fat Rupert Everett. You've seen him UP CLOSE! I guess his Panama Hat is great at hiding his identity...

You where this close to his face! Andy Dick was there!

Penny gets kidnapped, then the chief declares that the whole "Robot Cop" program is not working out. They take G2 back to the precinct for "deactivation". She takes it well.

No, seriously, she cries a little. Because the people behind the Gadget project made a machine that feels bad and cries about being scrapped, and discarded it after a single mistake. Again, millions of dollars of research on Gadget and G2 and they're throwing them out the window the first chance they get. Your tax dollars at work! No wonder you Americans are so uptight about that. Just kidding!

No new things! No New things!

However, the subplot of man's desertion of it's own creation and what it means to be human is quickly disposed off as Gadget takes G2 out of her...recycling pod the very next scene. Then they flirt. Now, this movie never shied away from the fact Gadget was gonna get with the robot, but they have zero chemistry. Or maybe it's just that Gadget is unlikeable in this movie. You gotta wonder why Brenda left him.

A previously hinted at device is used on Brain the dog to reveal that Claw has kidnapped Penny. This triggers powerful yet cliche dialogues like " I should have listened to her". They suit up. No butt-shots sadly/fortunately.

Then Claw reveals to Penny, as Super Villains are known to do, his plan: he would use the laser, the ruby and the fuels cells to somehow make a Time Displacement Laser, a device that can stop time itself by bouncing off a satellite. I know this IS sort of scifi and sort of for children, but it makes using diamonds to create ice sort of believable.

I can make it fly if you get me two fishbowls and a defibrillator.

That said, the effect is moderately well realized. It's no Matrix, (and didn't everyone want to be in 2003?) but they don't spare on showing things frozen in midair. Claw sends the whole town into Bullet Time, then moves in to steal the Federal Reserve. However, Vanilla Gadget and G2 escape from the blast, then return to face the villains.

While you wonder if things that are frozen in time wouldn't explode when impacted by things not frozen in time because the force is being exerted at essentially no time...Claw robs the Bank. He's getting a kick out of it, too, until the good guys show up. Then Claw uses Penny as a human shield and drives away. So G2 has to fight the minions, and Gadget has to rescue his next of kin. But wait, Gadget is a total screw-up has glitches!

So G2 and Gadget switch chips(continuity snag ahead, as Gadget's chip was destroyed in the first movie. But the power of love or something revived him. So I guess they don't die without the chip, now?) I guess there's some kind of lesson about how we can all be heroes or how the New G needs to get the stick out of her ass. However, G2 uses the old chip, which I guess activates her 1930s Cartoon gag weapon-set DLC to devastating effect on some goons. See, G2 isn't a weak ass like Gadget, and she don't let a bad chip slow her down.  However, the new chip on Gadget doesn't really make him much more than barely effective.

The chip is docked in her cleavage. Another point for G2.

The final chase sequence is pretty well realized. It would be easy to ignore the fact time froze in mid day in a busy city by having magically empty streets, but the fact that time froze is constantly reinforced. I'm not saying it looks "real" or anything, but for Direct to home vid, it wasn't too bad. Eventually, after Gadget catches up to Claw, he puts Penny on a wheeled cart with bowling pin bombs(It makes sense in context...maybe) and Gadget has to free her just before one of those convenient bomb timers from movies ends. However, because they waste a lot of time, they don't really get too far away before it explodes.

Where are my Hurt Locker direct to Home sequels?

So you might think that they're probably dead because they SHOULD be, or  escaped on a refrigerator or something, but in actuality they just survived.  Penny is a little Scorched and Gadget falls from the sky. Hey, it's a live action cartoon, right? Severe eardrum damage is for the birds!

After some quick bonding, they jump AHEAD of Claw(who I guess must have been driving in circles) and stop his car by sticking a bunch of bubblegum in the floor. The result is pretty unsightly.

Claw, though, has a pretty advanced rocket on the wagon and flies away. But he'll get you next time, Gadget! Even if he could have gotten you this one easy and this plan barely had anything to do with you, and you'd think he's be pretty sore from his fall from grace! Silence, Panama Hat!

So they stop the machine by guessing the password and return the city to it's proper chronology, showing us the people who  didn't feel affected by the bullet time, and not the confused or dead guy who was kicked in the face by Gadget during the chase.

So everyone gets medals except for the dog and the car, and Gadget acknowledges his niece's right to exist as a crime fighting detective in a city that has no crime to speak of. And then Gadget and G2 kiss, because movie romance am good! We no need characters  sin-gull aftarr movie! One final cartoon gag and...courtains(or rather, the menu screen)

What did I think? While the movie is underwhelming as a whole, there are some good elements here. Mostly regarding G2, who disappears from the movie for a pretty good bit. The final chase wasn't bad.  And Claw, while not quite Frank Welker, does have a sort of cartoonish viscerality.

There is some more characterization beyond the first movie. Penny's role is expanded from what was essentially a glorified cameo in the first movie, and it's a little more realistic than the cartoon about the relationship between a proactive, heroic girl and a conceited, self-righteous hero parent figure. The contrast with Gadget's all around cartoony personality often clash, though. And while Brenda's role as support and love interest is lost, G2 as a heroic partner and all around awesome device is far more entertaining, even with all the missed storytelling potential and forced romance.

However, In making Gadget almost as aloof as his cartoon version, it essentially turns him into a huge douche.   The whole character and the way he's brought on screen is mostly bothersome. I don't know if he was miscast of if it was just horrible material, but I hope it wasn't the latter because the director of this will go on to direct Hong Kong Phooey. I'm not gonna watch it...but we don't need another bad cartoon adaptation stinking up the place.

Continue