6 ways in which I would ruin your favorite franchises

 

Planet Zeist! Show em how it's done!

Believe me, I don’t yearn for the ruination of  pop culture icons. They definitively give me something to write about every once or twice, but in general, I’m not a fan of pissing off fandom. However, in these days the art of ruinage is a lost art.

Back in the late XX Century, It took a lot to really poison the well. Yes, I’m claiming ruining stuff was better in my day. Get the hell off of my lawn, you're not doing it right! We didn’t bat an eyelash when Batman went around killing people like we do now when Superman kills a very bad guy, no sir. We were too busy worrying about how Superman was having original enemies invented to him because God help us if they look at a comic.  Having been inspired by classics like Lost in Space and Inspector Gadget, here’s my, probably unrealized forever, plans to ruin your childhood forever.

Dr Doom is Anonymous

I don’t think the upcoming Fantastic 4 Reboot could really do Doom much worse than the last one, what with Doom having the lamest parts of other Supervillains under a Dr Doom shell.

Hell, Corman's was better. And they payed for the movie to not exist!

 Or at least I didn’t think so until they announced that they hadn’t exactly locked the main villain’s actual gender.

Now, I don’t think  A female Victor(ia?) Von Doom would be all that ruinous. Hell, Eva Green is my Femdoom of choice. But I was just thinking, why wouldn’t they have settled on something already? 

Then it hit me like a Vibranium ladle: maybe Dr Doom isn’t any one person.

In an attempt to be all relevant and what not, my Doom would be an obvious ripoff of Anonymous. 

Doom’s mask? Obvious analogue to those V for Vendetta masks. Doombots? That’s what the members of Anon-doom call themselves. Latveria? It’s about as real as Philosoraptor! 

Doom is not impressed by your DRM practices, Ubisoft...

Oh, I can hear the gnawing of teeth and the wailing! I can taste the nerd tears! YOU GUYS ARE LUCK I DON’T WORK AT FOX!

Sonic Adventure 3 starring EVERYONE YOU DON’T LIKE!

 

Oh, you didn't think I remember?

There hasn’t been an universally agreed upon Sonic game since Sonic CD, if only because we all agreed not to stick consoles on top of other consoles anymore.  The children who should be it’s target audience and the manchildren who grew up with it may never really agree on it enough, whether it’s a complete return to the old days, or a sudden turn into unexpected designs.

One thing we can all agree on, though is that who the hell is Mighty the Armadillo.  That’s why I’d cover all the angles by making a sequel to Sonic Adventure and fill up the cast with character’s so divisive and obscure that they’ll beg for Big the Cat AND Princess Ellie to come back before long. I’m talking Bunnie Rabbot and Princess Sally(THE LEGAL HURDLES ARE NO MATTER TO ONE SUCH AS I), Ray the Squirrel, that polar Bear from Sonic the fighters…you can’t think it, I can put it there.

WHY IS A DUCK CALLED BEAN!

Naturally, they’d all have different gameplay types. In fact, only Sonic’s would involve running really fast around loops at all! Nyahahahahahahaha!

X-Men: Prof. Xavier is a Jerk

There exist 0 images of an angry Hellen Page.

Proffesor Xavier has always been an old, crazy asshole.  Thishas been documented. But I feel Patrick Stewart and James McCavoy haven’t fully tapped into the jerk-well. His key offenses so far have been being a bad flirt(which, having mind control powers, is...kind of noble of him, actually), failing to divulge his full knowledge of Wolverine’s past, perhaps to keep him “in the team” and mentally suppressing Jean’s superpowers. But I think we all mentally suppressed X3, amirite?

But what if he were even more of a jerk? What if he psionically attacked Magneto with Holocaust memories? What if he pretended to die, and was hiding in the basement all along? What if he wiped Batman’s memory of when they gave Dr Light mental retardation after he raped Sue Dibny?

Come on! THIS GUY? Really, Marvel?

And more importantly, when he does these things, he should not show regret but smug, smug satisfaction.

The Matrix is actually magic

I know about the suckage!

Earlier this week I was going to write my revamped sequel/prequel yearly predictions, and thought that this was the year The Matrix was coming back, when out of the blue Latino_Review shows up with some heresay. Ha. You don’t have to believe me, that’s the kicker: If I had only written it down as considered. Alas, Blue Swan kept me busy.

But basically with the Matrix, the problem is the story is done as done gets.  The hero dies, the war is over, messiah triumphs over death,  and everything is hunky dory. Everything, that is, except for a few questions. How come Neo could control things outside the program? Is the “real world” also a computer program? If so, is basically  everything achieved in this movies a waste of time?

Like all good questions, the answer is that a wizard did it. Imagine Neo waking up to a kindly bearded old man. He questions why he is alive, after so obviously having been dead.  Why he now has eyes again. The kindly wizard puts his hands on Keanu’s shoulder.

“All in due time, Neo…son of Merlin…”

 

Woa.

WatchusauWhatchusaywhatchusayWa!(guitar riff) WAKE UUUUUUUP!

Yes, as it turns out, in the burned out husk that's left of earth there exists magic, which is also the source of The Matrix illusory powers? No more philosophizing about the nature of reality, no suh. Just find the magic Matrix Sword, Neo!

Alien: Bring on the Giga-Aliens!

The Alien franchise has transitioned from tension filled horror to action franchise to whatever the devil Prometheus is in 5 short films. It’s time we ramped it up…to the extreme!

New Aliens are invading earth, but this aren’t your father’s endoparasitic nightmare horrors, oh no! These are massive, T Rex sized aliens, basically grabbing ships form the sky and eating them. Enter Ricall, the daughter of Call(Winona Ryder) and Ripley the Clone(Sigourney Weaver), played by Michelle Rodriguez. Fuck you for questioning how an Xenomorph Human hybrid lady and a Gynoid can have babies. They cloned  Ripley out of molen lead and the clone came up half alien. I’m surprised she can’t  shoot molten lead, too. Fuck a logic Alien Franchise. 

 

This guy was pretty funny, though.

So basically Ricall  decides to rid the earth of these Aliens once and for all, so she arms up and starts blasting all the Giant Aliens, until  it is revealed Lance Henrikksen’s character of Bishop is reincarnated into the King of the Xenomorphs, and so must Ricall fly to planet Aliens and kick some ass!  Get me Michael Bay on the phone!

 

I LOVE YOU, BABY!

Star Wars finally comes home.

I’m sure we’ll be discussing the choices made in the new Star Wars OMNIOLOGY (It’s a movie each year, ya guys. It won’t end until Disney owns all the money.) for years. All I can say is I’d be glad they stop fleecing the past.  The future is filled with possibilities.

 

But I will eat all my headwear if at least some of it isn't damn stupid.

If you really want to wreck Star Wars at this point, now that the Force is Germs and Darth Vader became Darth Vader because he was a whiny jerk that really liked a girl, andbuilt C3P0, what’s left. Well, the world. Imagine, three movies (not counting spinoffs. Nobody care about no Bobba Fett movie!) of adventures, the heroes arrive at a peace of sorts. One of them, whichever is the Han Solo, continues to explore the universe with his wifey. He finds a planet, but not like the others we’ve seen. No Womp Rats here, only regular rats.  She says the planet is uncharted, and he says he’ll get to name it. He bends down and picks up a fistful of dirt.

We’ll call it…Earth….

WHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHATCHUSAYWHA! (Guitar riff) WAAAAAAKEEE UUUUUUUUUP! WAAAAKEEEEE UUUUUUUUP!

Continue

Star Wars Episode VII wish list

Am I late to the Star Wars Episode VII  speculation madness? Maybe. I'll just have to deduct this last 7 days from the next 3 years, huh?

It's crazy that it's been less than a month and we've already got 2 rumored directors, Mathew Vaughn and Some Other Guy. At this point Ep 7 is a formless mass in the future, and we feel we could shape it somehow by projecting our ideas into the web vacuum, even though it's  unlikely. Still, I am not immune, so here's a grab bag of my random wishes. So please...

Let Neil Blomkamp direct

And if he WAS racist, that's just perfect for Star Wars anyway.

Every fanboy out there is trying to rope up the bigger names in nerd franchises, because they think JJ Abraham's is about to drop out of Star Trek just for this and Christopher Nolan is willing to direct every single genre movie. Personally, I would much rather get District 9 director Neil Blomkamp. Watch Alive at Jorburg and tell me otherwise.

Blomkamp's visual style is what Star Wars was missing with the prequels\s ubberclean greenscreen rooms. Sure, D9 wasn't exactly the most original story ever, but if that's what you expect from Ep 7, then you need to ground your expectations a little.

Let Michelle Rodriguez have a part in it

She's not scared! She just wanted to know what it felt like!

Michelle Rodrguez is awesome. I don't think I should elaborate more on that. And if there's a part for a rough character woman in ther, Michelle should have it. Boy, did you just search your feelings? You know this shit be true!

Again, you're not shooting  some fancy Oscar bait film, here.  Michelle Rodriguez as a bounty hunter.

Let there be some kind of new Jedi type weapons

No, it's not a Swastika...I think.

The creation of new iconography is as important as the usage of the old one.  The Prequels found some  early success in this are with Darth Maul, and never did top it.

As iconic as the Lightsabres are, they are merely placeholders for actual swords. In this sense, other types of weapons should be given the same general treatmen. Dai-Katana, Halberds, lances, shields. Do not limit yourselves to what already exists. Since Star Wars is essentially Samurai and Cowboys in space, let's put some Kung Fu into that, huh?

Let there be less lightabre duels...but let those be meaningfull

Whoa! CG Yoda vs CG Cristpher Lee!

Again, Lightsabers are sort of important to Star Wars. But their usage should be tempered.

Each character should have a style of their own, according to their personality. They shouldn't just be whacking away at each other. Darth Maul, again, created a space for himself in the lore, but there isn't much to like him besides the aesthetics. Then again...Bobba Fett.

Let the story NOT follow Skywalker's kids.

Let's do this quick, boys. I left my shift at the construction site and my boss is a dick..

Dear Disney: If you can't do better than the Expanded Universe, then don't do nothing. Or do so anyway, make money, and have me pay for it. Either way I don't want to see the next generation of Lukes and Leias. Follow a new group of leads. They don't have to spiritually be sequels to Luke and Leia anyway.

If Original Trilogy  characters or their spawn must be in, let them be support for the new characters.

Let it not be overhyped...too late!

The problem with Star War is everyone feels they know it, and it's grown into more than what it originally was...some adventure movies. The new movies can't reach the beholden status of those. If you shoot for that, you will never reach it.

Well, see you guys in 2015. I'm sure It's the last time I'll be talking about this subject.

Continue

5 ways in which Avatar is not like Pocahontas

lol I are teh clevers!

Friends and friends of friends: criticism of the film Avatar is good and true. The 2009 film made the mistake of overpromising and underdelivering, and making 3D a "thing" we've had to "endure"since. We expected more from the director of Terminator 2, True Lies and Titanic.

However, we might be wrong about SOME of it. There has been criticism of the simplest story, saying that it's nothing but Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Ferngully in space. However, I think one of those is inaccurate. In truth, Avatar has more to do with The Last Samurai than it does with Disney's mid 90's Animated film.  Let me explain...

5) One's key character is female, the other one is Avatar

Do not scratch his belly.

Whereas both films present a clashing of societies, colonial exploitation, and the need to conserve resources, one of these is mostly played through the eyes of a native woman. Pocahontas, really is Pocahontas' story, as it begins in her village and shows her struggle with her force marriage and her need to be free and eventually throws John Smith and the settlers in there.

Avatar is the story of Jake Sully, who has a problem with not being able to walk and trying to do a thing his brother was doing, but better(i.e. not dying). Eventually  he enters the lives of Neytiri and the Na'Vi and kinda fucks it all up for them.

This is no mere difference of genders: one of the movies shows an outsider looking in, while the other is about the opposite. 


4) One softyifies the ugly past, the other sticks the ugly past into the future

In Avatar, evil corporation wants to evict a peace loving (but somewhat violent and reclusive) group of NaVi from their group so they can fully destroy their hometree and dig under for future-gold(because what the Unobtanium actually does is unimportant, it might as well just BE gold). At first this large, catlike beings can only cry in terror, but after  bringing aparently every Navi in the whole of Pandora,  they turn away the invaders.

Pocahontas has a less dark view of colonialism. The invading forces are mostly aloof, and do not even understand how to find what they are looking for. Roughly one of them is absolutely evil, and the rest is just a series of hilarious misunderstandings that can be surpassed if we just understand each other.

Racism is what gay, ugly, fat people do.

If the movies could be songs, Pocahontas would be You gotta care, and  Avatar would be Guerrilla Radio.


3) Avatar does not fear the War
The Climax of Pocahontas is preluded by a song called Savages, which exposits that natives and settlers disagree about each other, but agree that the matter will be settled effectively by braining the opposing group. Pocahontas races barefoot to  stop her father from executing the shit out of John Smith, and thus save both groups from a bloody conflict.

The Climax of Avatar features Jake Sully and his human friends aligning with the  Natives to essentially betray their own kind. Michelle Rodriguez dies, but I guess deep down, we knew it was gonna happen. Maybe they'll clone her here, too.

See,  violent conflict is a problem in both movies, but a solution in only one of them. Luckily those natives learned to trust the English settlers and everything went hunky dory for them!


2)The Romance is not as obvious in Avatar

"I'm afraid if I sleep here, your grandma will give me morning wood."

Both films feature starcrossed lovers from different, conflicted factions. Albeit only one of them has the outsider disguised as a native. However, the nature of the romance itself is different.

Pocahontas, perhaps because it is more geared toward the female audience, follows the legend of the Native American girl who fell in love with this foreigner, and was willing to die for him. For her, it is no mere matter of principle because there are feelings involved(also, her settlers are actually benign and the whole thing is a series of misunderstandings)

Avatar does have a romance, but it is not a movie about a romance. Jake Sully is shown the point of view of  the group, because he is pretending to be one of them until he stops pretending.

1) There is no assimilation in Pocahontas

So not only are we getting furry fetish, but foot fetish as well?

In the end of Avatar, Jake Sully has become one with the Na'Vi, and his doctor friend has litterally become one with the earth(or was it the other way? I haven't watched it lately).

On the other end of the spectrum, in Pocahontas the settlers leave(which makes them BAD settlers) despite being in the graces of the natives. John Smith leaves, too, even though he is clearly in love with the girl, making this whole damn thing a waste of time that cost a bunch of money and one life (but don't worry, he was kind of a jerk!).

In the other cited examples, the outsider with a heart of gold becomes one of the group, or doesn't do so because of tragic reasons(see, The Last Samurai). Because in the end, John Smith wasn't interested in the Colors of the Wind or becoming a Native American. In fact, he never even TRIES. All he cares is poking dat hunt ass his love for Pocahontas. But not enough to stay there.

Continue

Michelle Rodriguez is a stupid fool (or a great tease)

Michelle, Ma Belle! Zombie Killey Mockey tres bien an sam!

Aparently someone's been talking about making an Expendables-ish movie with only female leads. While this  is a great idea(as an article I never actually published, and will subsequently reformat into a wish list can attest), inmediately someone decided to come in an  and poop on the proverbial party.

Why are you so serious?

Michelle Rodriguez, my Dead-Eyed doll, that butch belle, that typecast titaness has recently come out and said she didn't feel she had gained that kind of notoriety to be in such a movie with a bunch of known names trying to  capitalize on the novelty of all of them being in a movie.

Shut up! You don't decide that! I DO! And In terms of action female star, you are at just the right point, I say. Cinthya Rothrock and Sigourney Weaver are somewhat old to lead an action movie, and as I told you in my love letter, nobody plays convincingly tough girls quite like you.

Further, you haven't had a top billing since fucking Blue Crush! This is your chance to grow to leading lady! Do you WANT to shoot up squid pee in Resident Evil sequels forever? No jodas con eso, cabrona! You're not gonna be 30 something forever, you know? This kind of role has an expiration age.

You go and play a sour hispanic commando that doesn't take shit for no one, before they cast Kirsten Stewart or Kirsten Kreuk or Kirsten Dunst or some shit! NO KIRSTENS! AAAARGH!

Continue

What are you guys searching for this time? Michellee Rodriguez?

They say that having a good attitude is essential to our success. Which is why I'm baffled about this:

Bitch isn't goin' Phoenix now...

My send-off to the surly character Michelle Rodriguez has played 80 percent of her career is suddenly my most watched  post of all time, even compared to stuff  I actively plugged. Wow. You guys never get tired of seeing a pissed of lesbian Latina, don't you? Yeah, me neither. Still...how about some smiles, Michelle?

It is normal to spontaneusly evacuate when standing this close to  the M.R.

Ok!

Continue

Collin Salmon and Michelle Rodriguez back in Resident Evil, movies become comics

Thank you, India...

Michelle Rodriguez and Collin Salmon are confirmed for the newer Resident Evil movie. If you don't remember them, Michelle was  the female soldier who became infected and was shot fatally in the head at the movie's climax, while Salmon was the one who was turned into little cubes of meat by lasers. The cubes where devoured offscreen by a monster.

I'm a fan of both of this guys, but I can't help but feel anything other than flashback sequences would be cheap. Sure, it could be clones or something, but come on! Really? After 10 years? Is Mike Epps gonna be coming back too?

I can't help but feel that bringing this characters back has some unknown side effect I should know about. Deal with the Devil type stuff. I don't know. I'm curious. But apprehensive.

Continue

Movie news: Danger Girl,Wonder Woman, CG Yoda

Been a busy week, and I wanted to touch on some of the news that have been going around.

Latino Review, the site I go to for movie news now that Cinematical got offed, is reporting that a movie based on Chromium Era adventure comics Danger Girl is already looking to nab Sofia Vergara, Milla Jovovich, and Kate Beckinsale.

Even though it sounds unlikely, I do have to disagree. First off, Danger Girl is about breasts going on adventures.I mean, it's not like this is gonna be a deep study on the human condition or anything. If you ask for a ticket to Danger Girl, you are asking for a ticket to breasts.We're not dealing with  thought provoking documentaries about the Black War, here.

Not The Cove, here.

Why would anyone would associate breasts and Milla Jovovich? Secondly, both Milla Jovovich and Kate Beckinsale seem a bit...well, old to pull of this team. I mean, look at the images of the girls. Now look at Images of Kate and Milla. See? They should have brought some Michelle Rodriguez.

Sofia Vergara, however, does have the range to play boobs.

But really, they should have gotten Denise Richards to play all 3 girls. All the girls look just like she did when she was young, anyway.

The new 6 movie Star Wars box set is not going to be without itty bitty bitchy changes, apparently, as the Puppet Yoda from the Phantom Menace is set to be replaced with the CG version the other prequels had. Watch for yourself in this memorable scene and compare to the old one.

Now, maybe it's me, but I feel the puppet moved with more emotion and concern than the CG one, and it's not some "CG ruined everything" crap. It's the difference 'tween this

and
this.

Animation is an artform, and this was just badly animated. You'd think in one of the better, iconic scenes of the prequels they'd put more of an effort. It's not just putting it on the computer and setting the bump maps at max, damn you!

Director of movie I-have,-but-haven't-got-to-watching Valhalla Rising  Nicholas Winding Refn says if his upcoming remake of old, weird movie Logan's Run is a success, he's been promised to be let to make his Teta positive Wonder Woman movie. I am highly conflicted between how much I want it to be true and how little I think it is possible. Still, just a crappy remake and then we get our Wonder Woman. How's it going with those remakes, boys? Can we get the Starred panties now?

Hollywood is a funny place. They can find a concept and remove the charm out of it like no other. Eddie Murphy(Norbit, Pluto Nash, The Haunted Mansion, and the good movies they successful buried as well) is set to voice the titular character of Hong Kong Phooey in the new Live Action, CG hybrid. Invariably this will stupidly be about a dog who somehow acquires powers and has to prance around New York.

And invariably feature dated references.

What bothers me is, I know Hollywood has had it for putting CG animals/creatures in New York ever since Stuart Little. But why take something featuring anthropomorphic animals and ruin the charm by making them "real" animals. In a cartoon world, Top Cat is a cat that is also pretty much a person. We don't need that, but with the cat being an actual (crappy CG)cat.  We don't need actual CG gorilla Maguilla Gorilla, we don't need actual CG squirrel Inspector Squirrel.  If you HAVE to get your CG creature on New York bug on, at least pick franchises that lend  themselves to that.

Continue

Love Letter: The Michelle Rodriguez character

She's about to fix rain. Permanently.

You know, I love an action girl. Just ask anyone. It has lead me to some poor viewing choices, such as Ecks vs Sever, and Immortal. But It's also lead me to good choices, such as 2000's Girlfight.

While the movie itself was way less actiony and a lot more dramaty than I'd hoped, it did introduce to me the wonders of Michelle Rodriguez, and her singular creation: "The Michelle Rodriguez character".

I ain't never seen such a cold stare, mon.

Now, you have probably seen this character. It's ussually some sort of military figure or soldier, and played by Michelle Rodriguez.

She has at least one moment to show she doesn't take bullshit from anyone.

Here eyelids are partially closed, so it looks like her eyes are scowling.

However mean she comes off as, she usually proves to be a friend to the protagonist.

She has  high potential for some dramatic death, but not always.

She's usually alive by the end of the film, despite the odds, though.

She carries some kind of rifle or other high powered weaponry.

And as a general rule, she's generally not the object of affection of our leads.

Now, you may think I'm poking fun at how this Domi-rican actress is getting typecast, but I think there's a reason for it: She's really good at this type of role.

See, getting the ingredients to a believable action girl right is hard. Not everyone can pull it off. And even though we like action girls, an unconvincing action girl can bring the whole thing down. You can't just put any  model in a battle suit and put  guns in her hand and call it a day.

"I used to deesign for GODS!"

Michelle Rodriguez plays tough well.It's a shame she doesn't get too many lead roles since. The closest thing to a leading role I see in her IMDB is Blue Crush, which is a surfing movie I didn't see, so I'm guessing she didn't play a mean, military minded no nonsense surfer.

No one else has billing in this series that isn

't Milla Jovovich. E-VER!

I guess the world isn't particularly ready for a tough hispanic female character that isn't all about sex appeal. All the more reason to do give her a lead. Maybe like in a pirate film or something. Something that isn't a supporting role.   While we wait, I do declare, "I love 'The Michelle Rodriguez character'."

Continue