Son of a Pitch: Star Wars (2014)

It's on Green screen, 'course I can.

Well, it seems several of the changes for that newfangled Home Hexilogy Star Wars rerelease are out and...it's pretty disconcerting. To me, this one right here stands out.

Yes, that is Obi Wan imitating a dragon to scare away the Sand people. When my neighbor gets home drunk, he has to scare Sandpeople all the time, I guess.

You see, (puts on old man glasses) It used to be you released a movie, and it was done. However, we all know many ideas and concepts and scenes don't make it into the final product. The advent of Home Video formats allowed the existence of "The Director's Cut",  the idea of adding scenes that where cut to presumably approach the film more to the director's vision. Even if that vision is a little stupid, I get that.

However, George Lucas isn't a normal director. Despite having some great, classic movies that he could just send into the Blue Ray Making machine and watch the money fly, he just can't help himself going back and reworking this films.

Imagine if Brian De Palma came back after a couple of decades and decided he was gonna add a cg cat for Tony and re-dub his death scene to have him go "I regret nothing!" as he fell into the pool. You could say he CAN, but you could say also that it's fuckin' stupid. This things are additions in the technical sense of the word only, and do not actually upgrade the experience for the audience. 

"I mean, he's missing that "Dr Claw" edge to him..."

This isn't a matter if the changes are good or bad for the film. It's a question of who this changes are for. I mean, Star Wars was pretty popular before he put CG in it in the 90s. I don't think it's just about money, because I don't think there are enough fans of blinking to justify putting eyelids on 40 year old film's dudes in fursuits.  You could release licensed Star Wars Turdburgers and people would buy. It's clearly a personal thing for old George.

So here's my pitch to the thick necked one himself: Why not redo the whole thing over again? Why not restart the whole franchise? That's right, I'm calling for a Star Wars REMAKE.

Clearly.

George Lucas gets to do whatever he wants with this, from turning Chew Bacca and Han Solo into a Lemur and a Reptile, as per his original vision, to making  EVERYTHING in CG from scratch. George get full control of the franchise from frame 1.  He can start with Star Wars: A New Hope, and move through all 6 movies. It's not like he's not changing the Prequels, in spite him being in full control of those, too. He can make pack every single granule of the screen with zipping, swooping, bouncing, jumping computer effects. With super panamorphic 3D reberwatshit and shit.

Panaamorphic!

He can put Jonah Hill as Luke and have an extended, unnecessary fight with Greedo in the original film instead of just a tense scene! He can have Jabba be 3 stories high and terrorize Seattle! He can establish how germs rule they universe and control destiny and cause prophesies from the start, now!

And invariable, when a movie is remade, the original goes out on Disc, so maybe we can get the regular old Star Wars movies on home video formats? Hmm?

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If you're worried about the guy who played Superman not looking the part...

Take comfort

Missing some guys, too.

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What WB should be looking for in a Lois Lane

So...damn...insecure...

Rumor has it the studio who recently chose guy-that-a-lot-of-people-wanted-for-Superman as Superman is circling around a Lois Lane. And if the rumor is true, they are very lost. The Twilight Chick? Jessica Biel? Someone from Glee?

She's as surprised as you are.

I have some opinion's on the matter. But let's make it fun: rather than tell you which actress should play her, I'll tell you what qualities that actress should have, as well as  who qualifies in that category.

5)Some roughness in the face area

Unlike Spider-Man's Mary Jane, Lois Lane is not a renown beauty. She's kind of average physically with a strong personality. She needs to be a tough journalist, not a lost babe in the woods. Babyfaced actresses like the last Lois don't work as well as  less obvious beauties Margot Kidder and Erica Durance.

Example:

Famke Jansen, of X-Men fame. Now, Famke may be a little old for the role(and probably still reminds people of X3), but she's got the right kind of face.

More after the jump

4)Can go over the top.

If the movie's moving away from Return's  almost-a-chick-flic-but-totally-a-homage-to- the-old-Movie, it's only fair Lois's characterization be more manic. We need an actor's actress, who can show people up through sheer personality. This is  the woman who asks the tough questions that get other people dropped off.  windows. She should be able to make people laugh every once in a while, too. She's not a total bitch, you know?

Example

Cameron Diaz, man.  She can  play funny, manic characters, yet give intensity to slightly more serious ones.

3)Should be sexy, but not a pornstar.

I already said Lois isn't exactly a world class beauty. However, there should be some appeal to her. I'm not shooting Judi Dench appeal, here.  However it should be a more subtle appeal. A woman that exudes sexyness even fully clothed.

Example:

Kate Beckinsale

2) A woman of action

Lois is NOT, as her reputation might lead us to believe, a damsel in distress. Well, she could be, but she shouldn't be. In a way, I like to think of her as a person who tries to do what Superman does(right the wrongs) but is limited by the inabilities to punch things into the sun. But she's still got the guts to try. So she shouldn't just be yelling "HEEEEEELP MEEE SUPERMAAAAAAN!" She should kick a little butt, too.

Example:

 As much as you probably like Jolie more than me, she's got the action woman thing down pat.

1)An unexpected choice

You just choose the guy half of the Superherohype boards are sure should play Supes. How do you follow that up? Simple. Throw a curveball. Pick a Lois no one thinks you'd choose. And I don't mean Kirsten Stewart, either. A surprise choice that rounds out all that stuff I previously mention.

Example:

Rosario Dawson.

Just sayin'...

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