Showing posts with label shaq fu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label shaq fu. Show all posts

Friday, March 21, 2014

Top 100 game franchises that need to come back more than Shaq Fu



Pictured here, Yao Ming's grandfather at a recent game.


The news has not escaped me that giant oaf and maybe still Basketball player Shaquille O'Neil has joined forces with a game studio to make a new Shaq Fu game. With players footing the bill, off course. Because, like, Shaq doesn't want publishers getting in there and ruining his artistic vision, probably.
Don't they get it? It's about man's inhumanity to man!

So maybe some of you would consider giving Shaq your money to make a big stupid game starring his big, stupid self. I wouldn't. But  hey, it's just that he ruined one of my favorite Superheroes, insulted my people, and probably eats children in his castle after they climb up the beanstalk.  But besides that, Shaq Fu just doesn't need a remake. Or whatever it is called when you make  a sequel 2 decades after the fact, in a completely diffferent genre, aparently having ditched everything but Shaq's prescence.




You see, I think there is a priority. Not every franchise will get new games, but there are some franchises out there that, by right, deserve to have new games released more than Shaq Fu. Sure, the real punchline is "all of them", but I'll try to keep this small sample list to games that haven't had a new entry in at least ten years, and whose studios are still around to maybe make them. Sorry, Perfect Dark 3 and  Marvel vs Capcom 4. For the record, you do deserve to exist more than Shaq Fu.



1) Valis


VAAAAALIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS!



2) Comixzone
3) Vectorman
4) Powerstone
5) Mutant League Football
6) Streets of Rage
7) Ristar
8) Freedom Force
Irrational game's is dead. (sniff)

9) Barney's Hide and Seek
10) Dino Crisis
11) Megaman Legends
12) Toki Densho: ANgel Eyes
13) Deadly Arts
14) Shenmue
15) Bad Dudes
16) E.T. the Extraterrestrial
17) War Gods
18) Charle's Barkley's Shut up and Jam!
19) Shadow of The Beast
20) TMNT tournament Fighters
21) Pokemon Snap
22) Mischief Makers

Pictured: NOT SHAQ FUCKING FU.

23) Rakuga Kids
24) Vigilante 8
25) Star Wars: Masters of Terras Kasi
26) Ninja Shadow of Darkness
27) Gun.Smoke
28) Kung Fu chaos
29) Acro the Acrobat
30) The Sega Genesis X-Men series
31) Outrun
32) Tetris Attack
33) Brute Force
34) Jet Set Radio
35)Chip N' Dale: Rescue Rangers
36) Time Killers
37) Chronicles of Riddick
38) Goemon: Mystical Ninja
39) Saturday Night Slammers
40) BMX XXX
Sex doesn't sell, actually.

41) Gargoyles
42) Space Harrier
43) Dr Robotnik's Mean Been Machine
44) Black and White
45) True Crime
46) Phantasy Star, but the real game and not this "online" shit.
47) Blast Corps.
48)  Moon Patrol
49)Forsaken
Happy Days 2099



50) World Heroes
51)Fighter's Destiny
52) Space Station Silicon Valley
53: Panzer Dragoon
54) Voodoo Vince
55) Sudeki
56) Fusion Frenzy
57) The Grid
58)Star Wars: Knighs of the old Republic and no, still none of this "online" shit.
59) Variable Geo
"I was wondering which one would break first...your table schedule, or your body!"

60) Beast Wrestler
61)Ex-Mutants
62) Capcom's Marvel beat-em-ups
63) Robocop vs Terminator
64)Clay Fighter
65) Crazy Taxi Holy crap, they did it! It's dissapointing, but they did it! Let's say then, Battle Arena Toshiden.
66) Star Gladiators/Plasma Sword
67) Knights of the Round
Hey, Perceval! This isn't 300! Cover them pecs!

68) Combatribes
69) Armorines
70) Dysney's Magical Tetris whatever it was called
71) Dynamite Cop/Die Hard
72) Batman Returns
73) The Urbz
74) Simant
75) Seaman
76) MDK
77) Fear Effect
78) Mace: The Dark Age
79) Battle Raper
80) Kabuki Klash/Far East of Eden
81)Cyberbots
82) Metal and Lace: Battle of the Robobabes
What? A big rouge mech can't be a babe?

83) Galactic Warriors
84) Raging Fighter
85) Those NES Flinstones Games
86) Warcraft, but like the strategy game and not the MMORPG.
87) Paperboy
88) Ikari Warriors
89) The Super Star Wars series.
90) Kameo
91) Dead to Rights
92) Captain America and the Avengers
93) Blasto
94) Rumble Roses
95)V.S.
96) One
Thanks to games like this and V.S., Google Image Search won't ever be "just that easy".

97)Awesome Possum kicks Dr machino's Butt.
98)Battletoads
99)Turok, I think?
100) Street Fighter: The Movie

I just made clickbait and didn't even realize it until I'd finished. Is there a series you;d like to see that's not on the list, or did I miss a recently announced new Rumble Roses game? Lemme know!

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Fantasy Female Fighting game roster draft




More Breasts...



Before games like Tekken and Virtua Fighter  changed the landscape, making  a fighting game usually involved playing a game of chicken with how close a fighting game can come to Street Fighterwithout actually being Street Fighter. Even classics like KOF and Killer Instinct have easy lines of comparison.

This is Fighting Female July, so I wanted to know if I could pick up random female characters from different games and put them on  a roster, kind of like fantasy football, but without any possibility of it actually happening. Except, of course, M.U.G.E.N.

So I will pick and draw one female from one fighting game that fits the archetype of each Super Street Fighter character, and explain why the character fits the roster.

Ryu The Hero
  The hero is usually the character that gets selected if you just bang at the buttons on the select screen. Also, look for the hero to be in, usually at the center of, all the oficial artwork.  If that's not possible, it is usually a character that is well rounded, both morally and in terms of gameplay.
I choose, Raiya Mikazuki, Touki Densho (ENGEL EYYYES!)'s resident main character. Raiya fits the bill perfectly.


Ken The Rival
This character's story is irrevocably tied to another character. In fact, the character usually evokes the other character visually.
Mileena. Mileena, unlike my boy Scorpion, has not distracted herself from the vendetta that justified having her be a palette swap. As of late she's been presented particularly more provocative than her rival as overcompensation of the fact she's a disfigured version of a well respected, well liked member of the community. Kinda like Brandon Routh or Johnny Test.

Honda  The Overtly Japanese character
Okay, most notable fighting games are made in Japan. So, there usually is more than one Japanese character. However, sometimes you get a character representing things so particularly Japanese, that the character becomes "the Japanese Guy".

What's more Japanese than a Geisha? How about a Ninja Geisha? Following the advise of Sutefani, Namco added such a character(sort of) in the form of Setsuna, a pretty lady with a parasol-sword that  conveniently covers her beautiful kimono from all the arterial spray she's bound to cause.

 blanka  The Monster
You know, when you need a character to represent 3 things, like, say, a country, a play style, and a character archetype, things can get a little messy. Everyone wants to be represented by the hero, not the nymphomaniac. Still, you gotta have a monster character. And he's probably from a country  that will really love your game, why not?
Mantazz, from Time Killers. Female in a very technical sense, as she's an insectoid queen from another planet. Mantazz represents giant monsters from space can be ladies too just fine.

 guile The Gringo
America's history with Japan, as well as being  a world superpower, has made this an archetype in several medias of the Island nation. The American is usually pretty easy to spot. Look for military ranks,  strokes of Red, White and Blue, and engrish.
And here's another chance to say how much I love Tiffany Lords from Rival Schools. She's a completely silly, sexy, energetic character. She has a move called EXCITING KICK! That's s fucking exciting!

 balrog  The Specialist
Here's a fighter that screws up your button scheme. The style is usually a real martial art that doesn't conform to a button style presented.

Gonna go with Ryoko  from World Heroes. She's a judeka, and she's not gonna not Judo throw just because  you say it's a "punch button'.

Or How about Ryoko from Fighter's History?

 Look...I never got them done, awwight?

chun li The Chun Li

Chun Li is the first lady of fighting games. There is only one Chun Li. Her name is Chun Li.

T.Hawk the Horrible stereotype

Allright, look: Most of the Street Fighter cast is some sort of stereotype. It would just take a huuuuge, huuuge kind of stereotype for people to get actually offended at this point. This character is that. However,  that's not to say said controversial character won't be liked.  Just...not a lot.


I'm going with Voodooh, from the legendarilly shitty Shaq Fu. I mean, they put the name of  the thing into the character. Not the last time it would happen, but this is the one time it's a lady.

 zangief The Grappler
Grapplers as usually deadly in the hands of experts, but shit to newcomers who rely on their reflexes and mashing over memorization and  stats. They tend to be slow and rangeless to compensate for their damage output.

Tina Armstrong, my favorite Dead or Alive character. Sure, in DOA there's not any great amount of projectiles, and Tina's pretty great in it. And sure, she's kinda the gringo in that one, too. Still...she's a grappler, whatayawant?


dhalsim The contortionist
The contortionist is a weird character with far reaching or visually confusing moves that make for good mental games.

For this slot a slut: Rana, from Strip Fighter. She's pretty much my favorite character of that game. And it's not just because she's graphically naked and gives blowjobs to losers.


 sagat The Frustrating Subboss
Usually coming before the frustrating boss, the frustrating subboss is annoyingly difficult when the CPU uses it. That's not to say that it's not frustrating to fight against in multiplayer.
Chizuru from King of Fighters. I have no observations on Chizuru, except that she was a subboss in KOF 98. I'm a couple of years behind in this franchise.

Vega  The Psycho
There's always a psycho in these games. Watch the anime adaptation and he'll be there, licking blood of his blade, laughing maniacally, and talking about how killing is fun.
I'm putting up Sekka, from the game adaptation of the Double Dragon cartoon. I don't know much about Sekka, but she has blades coming out her arms. that counts for something, right?


Fei Long The Bruce Lee
Bruce Lee is a worldwide icon...whose name and likeness is registered by his estate. Otherwise, every fighting game would have old Brucie in it. Instead, they all have some kind of Chinese, Jeet Kune Do, doing, "whooooaaaa" yelping  warriory warrior that isn't actually Bruce Lee.
I gather this character Chie from Persona is the closest any videogame has come to a female Bruce Lee. Since the character is confirmed for the Persona fighting game, I think I will favor this once. If I decide to do this feature again I will be in big fucking trouble.

Deejay The Islander
 The islander doesn't have to actually come from an island.  He just needs more pigment on his skin than most of the other fighters and  fight in Capoeira or other fluid, dance-like moves and  be overly energetic and rhythm obsessed. 

Christie Monteiro, of Tekken fame, is the only Tekken character I've taken up that I haven't felt like a complete noob playing.  So, here's Christie.

Cammy The eye candy

Capcom, seeing the sucess a fully dressed woman fighting had, quickly realized  that Sex drops quarters, and for the Super version introduced a lady in a thong leotard that grabs people with her legs.

 We could sit here all day talking about sexy fighting game females and a lot of the other ones could probably apply, but I would have to go with Ivy. There's no denying that Soul Edge's Taki and Sophitia where meant to arouse,  but Ivy was both added  later in the series, and meant to take up the sex appeal up to eleven. She'd only gotten more blatant over the years. But let's be fair: hasn't every SC woman?

Akuma: The Hype
This character is so tough, you guys. He can, like kill whatever he wants by looking at it. He just doesn't because you're playing wrong he, like enjoys the thrill of the fight and stuff.

In that context, Athena Asimiya seems most fit. An import from an older SNK non fighting game, Athena Asimiya is a Japanese schoolgirl that is somehow related to the Greek Goddess Athena. That's kind of a big deal. She's even played the role of Boss.

Bison The Boss
It's the final threat: the meanest fighter.  He will fuck your shit up.

Or she. She will fuck your shit up. Sadly, there isn't a great history of female final fiends in fighting games, so I will have to look for the licensed one: Karai. Final Boss of 2 TMNT:  Tournament Fighters, despite the logic supporting Shredder for the role. Sure enough, Karai is frustrating to defeat, overtly evil, and not the sportest fighter in the world. So just throw her like a ragdoll.


So here's my roster. What's yours? You think I should use another game as base next year. Lemme know!