L.I.E.S. The DC movie schedule revealed!

Hello, you Gullible Gents and Overly trusty Dames. It's been a while since I've told you  Leaked In Early Secrets.  The truth is, I've been away on a self imposed exhile. I don't want to go too much into it, but I'll just say sometimes you get challenged to a fight to the death and you do it, but death fights are no fun. People could die on those. In fact, usually when no one dies, things went wrong.

"Let no bad happen" indeed.

So you may have heard some dame say that she got the list of movies DC's planning on making for the next few years. If you believe DC's going to have 3 movies a year, then I'll show you a green dog or 2.

That's not the REAL DC schedule! Let Uncle Batzarro show you how it's done, baby.I snuck into Warner's board room, disguised as a maid.  They didn't know they don't have any retro style maids, so it was easy.

In there, I overheard their true plan, spoken with the kind of confidence that gave us Teen Titans, Greem Arrow in Superjail, Metal Men, Flash and Justice League Mortal as news to chew, rather than as movies to watch.


2015

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I can't stop poking fun at this title.

(BAAt)man (They haven't written it or anything, but they thought that the idea of having a name that is also the logo, even if the name is screwed, was good enough to greenlight.)

Speedy (They actually mean Kid Flash/Impulse, but nobody corrected them that Speedy is Green Arrow's sidekick)

2016

The Wall ( They figured since Maleficent did mint at the box office, they'd get on that "gritty origin story about a woman" thing with Amanda Waller. In this version Amanda Waller begins as a member of a troubled teen help line called Anti-Suicide Squad, but then she somehow turns it into a paramilitary group)

Lobo (I've put this down at Lobo, but they kept refferung to him as "the guy with the claws" and asking if Hugh Jackman was available.)

"This guy. right?"

Justice League

2017

2Man 2Steel( Tyrese is in the shortlist to play Steel)

Not-Wonder Woman (I don;t know which Superheroine they meant, they kept saying "the other one" and "the really popular one" but every time someone said Wonder Woman they'd say no.)

"I'm pretty sure we've been selling clittoris necklaces on Hot Topic for awhile."

Blue Beetle/Red Tornado (They don't know if this is a good teamup, it was chosen with Dice and crayons.)

2018

Batman's Back (There's no story, just the idea to show Batman from behind in the posters)

Batman's Back in action

Captain Planet ("They've got Captain America, but Captain Planet will be huge overseas.")

Shazam v Sandman: The Revenge of Spider Jerusalem (  They envision it as a huge middle eastern adventure, which they assume would have to involve  Sandman and Spider Jerusalem by default. Spider Jerusalem in this is a huge spider.)

Batman v Santa Clause: Dawn of Jingles (For need of a holiday movie)

2019
Batman: Days of Future Bat (This one is a time traveling crossover betwen Burton Batman and Nolan Batman.)

Wonder Woman (After 2 hours they gave up on guessing who the other really popular heroine they own is.)

Justice League Mortal ("We have to reboot the Justice League franchise sometime, right?)

How you like me now, punks?

So there you go. The truth, only the truth and nothing but  L.I.E.S.! Batzarro: OUT! (Turns into a raven, flies away.

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Let's talk about Wonder Woman's body as if it mattered

"I wish Hollywood had some tricks to make people look not-as-they-are..."

Wonder Woman is one of the earliest female superheroes, and probably the one most people care about anyway. So going into Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice, which had her first appearance in live action in decades must be pretty exciting for fans, right?

This is just as pointless as  #bringbackourgirls, except Zack Snyder might actually bring them back.

Oh, you wanna talk about Wonder Woman's body in what's likely to ammount to a cameo in Batman's movie? Fine. I like Wondy's body too.

There's 3 prevailing schools of thought on Wonder Woman's body: Jezebeline, Maximist, and Curvilinears. And none of the people who  profess these styles actually acknoweledge their titles, because I just made them up.

The Jezebelineans would love for Wonder Woman to not-give girls bad body image.  If Diana looks like a model they'll probably complain, even if 90 percent of all female actresses are like that anyway. DC comic heroes are easy to make a stand on while Black Widow rolls around in her  skintight jumpsuit, totally not getting a movie.

For them, there is a Wonder Woman.

For the record I like her movies. She's no Camryn Manheim, though.

They'd probably say I'm exaggerating. I am. But if you're gonna cast Wonder Woman exclusively for the Jezebelian crowd, without any accounting for anything else, this is your stop.

Maximists take this ficticional amazon's ficticional history seriously. "She's an AMAZON! She should have oak stumps for legs and abs that can take a tomahawk missile!"

For them,there is a Wonder Woman.

Don't know.

I mean, Superman and Batman are ripped. Why can't Wonder Woman be super ripped? Huh? Why is it? Is it because that's not nearly the most important thing when it comes to bringing this character to life? Huh? Is it?

The Curvilinears just want to see an accurate depiction of Wonder Woman's breasts. The character's long history has seen many changes in tone and style, but NEVER have her breasts been what we'd consider "small". They plan to be starring at that cleavage for a good amount of time, and they want to make good on that investment. For them, there is a Wonder Woman as well.

Va va va boom!

I guess that makes me a  Curvilinear as well. huh.

But in the end the people at WB chose this chick.

Those are some nice headlights.

There's bound to be a bunch of reasons why she got cast. How much money  she could bring to the movie chief among them. She's not the ideal actress for Wonder Woman we all picture in our head, but that just us. Some of us thought Thomas Jane would make an excellent Shadow the Hedgehog, and some of us thought HHH would make a fine Thor, and some of us thought  Heath Ledger would ruin the Joker forever. In the end we're proven wrong, we like the actor and we move on.

Or the Sonic movie never happens and we start to hate on  Jane over The Mist. Goddamit!

 

In either case, here's some of the questions you should be asking instead: How much screen-time will Wonder Woman actually have? What exactly will be her role in a movie titled Batman v Superman? Will she actually show in costume in the film? Will she use her magic lasso? Her invisible plane? Will we see Themyscira? Will Themyscira be actually a river near Turkey, like in real life?  Why is there not a sequel to the wonderful animated Wonder Woman movie? Why is there no Wonder Woman movie period, and instead we have to settle for her playing  a support role to Batman and Superman? Just asking, man.

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Why Wonder Woman can be good and you can like her for it (part 3) Casting

It never gets old.

I think casting is a highly important part of a movie. A lot of it isn't even just who you pick, but how they fit with the director, other actors, and material. I guess what I'm saying is, even though I'm about to say who I think would be great in the roles the movie would offer, I'm not saying this is definitive or anything.

So here I go casting WOnder Woman.

Wonder Woman

How the fuck does the Smallville suit look better than the one in the pilot?

Not anyone can just play the character, despite the fact everyone wants to play her. However, there are at least 3 categories I think would make for a Good Wonder Woman.

1) A charismatic actress:
You're gonna need a character to tell the audience with a straight face about her magic Lasso and her purple healing ray. Not every model can do that. In fact, if there was one trend in Superhero movies this year, it's deadpan acting from under performing models hired as love interests. Don't put in Megan Fox just because you'd tap that. I would do Halle Berry, but no way in hell would I watch Catwoman in full.

2)An athletic young body:On the other end of the spectrum, I'm not advocating to put Judy Dench on the suit either. This is an action driven adventure story after all.However, I don't think shee needs to be as particularly endowed as any of the comics versions. Not that that's even possible.

3) Convincingly kickass: Not every girl you put on black leather feels like she can kick ass. She needs to be convincing when putting her frown on.

So who's got it?

Noomi practices her rapeface.

 Noomi Rapace: For one, she's already made a name for herself playing a tough woman in the Millenium series. Sure, looking at her doesn't give you a vibe she's the most beautiful woman ever, and I haven't  looked at her body too much. But since she's go the acting and she's got the toughness, that's  2 out of 3.

Let them roam free!

I'm not fully convinced Hendricks can play  a hammy character like a centuries old Amazon, but ...well, we already discussed it.

Wait, are you  asking me to photoshop you?

Kate Beckinsale already carried an action franchise pretty much all by herself. While the movies themselves are not exactly Oscar material, Kate Beckinsale does pretty well at the role.


Stever Trevor:

Mhay THEEF AR STUCK!

Again, Trevor is  an important character for the audience: He's the one who has to ask questions like: "What is Themiscyra"? "How could an Island like this stay hidden?" or "What do you mean, "slaves?" I recommend:

Michael Angarano

Is he looking at amazons?

He played a pretty convincing Shia Lebouf 5 years ago. I'm sure he could do it again.

Hypolita:

You know, our lead's mom is an important character too. I would go with...

Sigourney Weaver. Sure, this would put the "Eternal youth" part of the story in doubt. But With Sigourney Weaver in there, who cares! Make her young like that creepy scene at the end of Wolverine.

He is the GOD OF WOR!

Ares: Like I said, I prefer the Onslaught look for Ares(Uh, which HE rocked first). I prefer if you're gonna have an evil God, you might as well make him ethereal, rather than a dude. That said, I have to say, my choice would be...

Malcolm McDowell. Now, I don't know this guy from a Clockwork Orange like most of you. I know him from playing Metallo in Superman: The Animated Series. And it was just badass delivery of every line. As a voice for an antagonizing  God behind a helmet, he's just nail it.

Cheetah: As a potential villainess, Cheetah was already high on my list. If I had to cast her, though, it'd  go with Amy Smart for the Priscilla Rich version.

Smart move.

Etta Candy:

Doesn't seem like a "Woo Woo situation to me".

Etta Candy is tricky, because comic relief is usefull, but you don't want it to be too much, or too ridiculous. What we need is to make Etta Candy a character whose's humor isn't rooted on the fact that she's fat, but embolstered by this fact.  Make her, say, a fat woman who is ridiculously confident and just gets into trouble for it, despite her good intentions. Then you can have an ending in which her overconfidence actually pays off. As for the whom...

America Ferrera: Sure, she's not actually fat. Just Hispanic. You know, we're naturally shorter and stockier than anglo-whites most of the times. However, I trust America to do well with the role.

Join Me next time, as I try to put  together a list of do's and don'ts.

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Why Wonder Woman can can be good and you can like her for it part 2! A call to villainy!

Prepare for Trouble!

Another common complaint is that Wonder Woman's enemies are lame and therefore she has nothing to go on in an adaptation. Which is a bit of a peeve for me.

Look, not every property out there getting adapted is full of iconic, fully fledged villains. Hell, some of the stuff adapted in the form of rogue vectors, or seditious pixels. While that's an extreme, you'lll notice those things do not stop those things from getting adapted. My opinion is, if you're adapting something stupid, you have nowhere to go but up. It's YOUR job to make it work.

So if Wonder Woman's enemies are laughable because one of them is a racist caricature slapped on a giant egg, and that's the villain you have to go with for some reason, you still should make the material engaging through writing, acting, directing, etc.

So I will put forth  Wonder Woman's villains and explain how they could be used in the movie. I'm giving this to you for free, W.B., because I'm charitable when it comes to things crawling out of my head.

But, that's your leg-stump! That hurts!

The Cheetah:
There are 4 versions of the Cheetah. Rich Bitch. Nephew of Rich Bitch. Furry bitch. And Furry dude bitch.
While The Cheetah is Wonder Woman's most iconic villain, having a villain who is essentially all physical threat is troubling when your heroine is mostly a powerhouse.  If given the choice, I would go with Priscilla Rich, the first Cheetah: A woman of wealth suffering from double identity issues.  You can play an aspect of the story where she's Wonder Woman's friend sincerely, but the other side of her, the darker side, hates her. The Cheetah is secretly orchestrating the events of the movie behind the scenes, but Priscilla Rich is Wonder Woman or Diana's personal friend. And it all comes to a head  in the climax where Wonder Woman learns her friend all along was the bad guy.

I'm like a bird: I always fly away!

The Silver Swan: There have been 3 Silver Swans, though sadly only 1 Blue Snowman. The least stupid ones, are women who are offered a chance at not being ugly in exchange for killing Wonder Woman, adopting the persona of Silver Swan, who can  fly and shoot hurtfull music like Limp Bizkit strapped to a jetplane.

Swan would be visually cool, especially if Wonder Woman is the flightier, stronger type.

That armor is metal, and I don't mean the alloy it's made of.

Ares: Ares the God of War...hmm...On one hand, i already explained how much I didn't want  it to become a Greek Mythology movie with Wonder Woman in it. On the other hand, Ares presents something interesting that actually ties in with one of the important themes of the character: Wonder Woman is on a mission of bringing peace to the world. However she is essentially a warrior, and must engage in violence at a moments notice. Ares is the God of War, and he grows stronger the more furious and angry people in the world are. It would probably lend itself to an interesting ending, where you have to defeat the villain, but the angrier you are, the stronger he is, and our heroine has to pull a  "clear your mind" moment.

Grooooow, MY MONSTER, GROOOOW

Giganta: I don't know what Giganta is up to this days (actually, I do and it's stupid), but Giganta, a woman who can gro the size of a building, seems a bit like a physical only threat. But, boy oh, boy, what a threat that is. As much as I get angry at the idea of a whole film being given to Doomsday, I could see it being given to Giganta, because at least you gotta wonder how Wonder Woman will get out of it.

Is she really disfigured if she has no figure anymore?

Dr Cyber: Dr Cyber seems custom made to be a top villainess: Scary yellow Dr Doomish Mask, cloak and cape, big criminal organization with countless goons to punch, and plenty of technobabble.  You get an actress with graavitas to voice, and it sells itself,really.

Veronica Cale: No. NO! Yeah, I know, you like it because you don't have to put money into creativity of creating costumes and amazing special effects. Just Lex Luthor with a vagina. Fuck that. Fuck it! Put villains in this, this shit isn't Catwoman! You want people to like it, don't put villains that are just people.

Bullshit. I see at least TWO sissies!

Villany Inc: While you would have to go against my previous suggestion of an origin story, starting with Villainy Inc, a Legion of Doom solely devoted to taking Wonder Woman down a peg, is, would allow you to use all those villains that aren't good enough to have the movie for themselves. Maybe you have a leader, who is like, the actual antagonist, and the others are sort of less important.All you need to know is The Blue Snowman, CyborgGirl, and others such hate Wonder Woman and want to take her down, while the leader is playing them all for chumpstresses.

The problem is, if you jump in  at a point of the story where a Super villain team up makes sense, you are already selling a superhero world to the audience. Again, why I suggested to start at the beginning. Then again, I also suggested making an Anime.


These are just the ones I think potential. Like I said, maybe you can put a shitload of characterization on Eviless and make her like, really cool.

(Part 1)

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Why Wonder Woman can be good and you can like her for it (Part 1)

Uneven trinity

You might remember one of my earlier efforts in B-spot was an epic, multi-part series on how making a movie about based on Superman is a potentially good idea. In hindsight, it seems kind of silly, and not in that way in which a former doorman spends his days talking about comic book movies and  Tim Burton's wife.

But really, did a Superman movie happening seem like such a stretch that I needed to tell people it is possible to make the character enjoyable? I mean, why not use those efforts to support less likely characters?

So in an effort to  equalize the playing field I propose now to you a different hero who could be good, but that many believe has nary a place on comics, let alone in the big screen: Wonder Woman.

Unlike Superman, people's gripes about Wonder Woman are not that she's sooooo booooring, but that she's got too much going on. Batman  clearly has "eras" you could take the character from. Superman, you know him by heart. But Wonder Woman? Does she fly or does she need a jet? Is she an aloof, innocent foreigner or a tough, no nonsense warrior? Is she a super swashbuckling feminist Superman as a woman, or a crazy bondage chick in stars and stripes?

And if people don't have strong, likeable, understandable characters, movies only make $836,297,228.

They say she doesn't have a thing like Superman( The super immigrant orphan who does the right thing because he grew up poor) or Batman(The Super rich orphan who bought his way into a ninja degree to fight the general concept of crime) or The X-Men( Who Fight for those who hate and fear them against injustice! And a TV producer Jabba the Hutt!) that just makes people LIKE her.


Well, I will begin by telling what elements and how of Wonder Woman should be used, and how, to trigger what is known as " A good movie" based on Wonder Woman.


I will preface by saying: They already did it. The 2009 Wonder Woman animated film is the most entertaining of any of the Animated DC films. Good action, great animation and they where obviously inspired by the best.

Burn in your golden Hell Ares...I mean Genma!

No don't be the judge. My judgment is better.

They did it, because unlike Green Lantern, that tried to cram as much of the mythos on film as possible, they put forward adventure and  character development. So, yeah, no Hypnota action figures to sell, but the movie's good.

OMG! It's Hannu, MOMMY! BUY ME!

So let's begin with the elements.


Wonder Woman:
Basically, give Wonder Woman a stated goal and make it the reason she comes to our world. Her origin does have a thing, but again, this can't be like Green Lantern, where a fully empowered  hero had nothing to do with his God-like powers and no tangible goal until trouble found him far too late on the movie.

Yeah you
I bet you had to jump up and down
Just to put 'em on
Bet you had to wiggle it around
Just to put 'em on...

Do not fear the sexy, but manage it  wisely.  See, this...

She's so tough...yet so impractically dressed and posed...

...might work in attracting the male gaze, but when you over-exploit a character people are supposed to relate to, the audience  loses the character. I'm not saying there shouldn't be sexiness, but it needs to be subtle. Less Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider, more Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil.

The Costume: Now, the costume has a problem with people who want they're magic made up Amazons to be realistic. Apparently a 1 piece suit is impractical. Also, a skirt is also impractical. But pants of some sort...THAT'S what warriors wear!

All the world is waiting for you!

/And the magic that you dooooo!

I know suit design is an art that becomes more complicated when studio execs are tryin to pass their idea of fun, but here's to main thing to go by:
It's recognizable as the Wonder Woman costume. See this...

...Is considered a bad Wonder Woman costume, but it's recognizable as a costume. THIS...

Doesn't look like Wonder Woman AT ALL! See, Wonder Woman is an ICON. You're not just selling the name, you're selling a visual idea of a character. Redesign some elements of the costume. DON'T  make her unrecognizable as a character.

I mean, It's not like you don't have variations on it.

Steve Trevor:
Do put him in. One of the bigger successes of 2009 WW was that Steve Trevor was actually a fellow warrior and adventurer. He wasn't a gentleman in distress, or just some jackass  who's in love with WOnder WOman, but he didn't outstage her either. I don't think  you NEED to have a male character for the male audience to identify with....but it can't hurt.

Plus,  if there is any mythology to explain to the audience, you let the audience know through him.

The Invisible Plane:
Do use, but with caution: Much like Aquaman's...everything he does... the plane is considered highly mockable element of the franchise. I advise turning it into a stealth plane a la X-Men, where the windows remain visible(so you can see the actors in it)

The Lasso: Do use. See, some people think it's lame, but it's what separates Wonder Woman from other Superheroes.

The Power Set
Should she be the golden age "abnormally strong and fast" version, o the post crisis "Flight and Super strenght" variant? My answer is
Flight: Yes: Limited(No Superman style warp speed zooming: That's why you have a jet!)
Strength: Slightly under a ton: Can lift the car with enough effort, but not  actually throw it.
Speed: As fast as a car.
Resistance:  Should be shown to resist inhuman amounts of punishment, but bullets should hurt.

It needs good effects as well

Etta Candy: Hmm... Not necessary. There is potential there, but also...great risk.

Greek Mythology: I wouldn't. I'd rather they try to use one of Wonder Woman's regular villains and pump them. I mean, I prefer the contrast of an amazon fighting  a robot over an amazon fighting a Greek god of some sort.

Origin: Yes, please. While most people have at least heard of Wonder Woman, the origin helps cement exactly why she does all this amazing stuff.  You gotta have the origin. And it's implied, but...

Themyscira: Look, don't risk it: For the audience to know what your character's about, they gotta know where they came from. And this isn't some bullshit prequel to make  money:  You WANT your audience to go along with  the character. Also, I want a Nubia action figure.

Everyone knows Wonder Woman in the same sense everyone knows chicken, but I've met  a couple who don't know exactly how chicken gets to their table, or even any of the details. A good cousin of mine actually told me with a straight face Kentucky had an Akira-style mass of flesh to make chicken  out of, which honestly sounds 3 times harder than growing regular clucking birds and feeding them growth hormones.

It's a journeeeeey...to-the paaaaaaaaast!

What I mean is,  Don't be the pilot. Don't be Superman Returns. Adventures are journeys, let the audience enjoy the journey with the character.
Stay tuned for part 2, where I discuss which villains should be roped into fighting Wonder Woman.

(Followed upon in part 2)

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Why didn't no one tell me?

Is there an academy award category for mammaries?

I mean Christina Hendricks as Wonder Woman? I know it'll probably not be, but...

Not you: YOU TWO, get over here!

I didn't even know about this amazing woman until today, but she has completely revolutionized my understanding of what breasts are. Are they fake? Hell yeah. But we don't have enough women with porn-star breasts starring in our mainstream movies. All you guys swooning over Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox, I'll never understand you. I guess collagen is an aphrodisiac to some. There's pretty,there's sexy, and there's stacked, and there's I support Christina Hendrick's Breasts for the role because of their outstanding achievement on the field being stacked.

However, we must temper our excitement: the guy who is sure can do what Joss Whedon could not, Nicholas Refn ,has talked about HIS plan on Diana of Themyscira's adventures.

...because the real origin of Wonder Woman is: What if women were more powerful than men? What would the world be like? That’s a subliminal theme.

The whole idea of a woman who is basically more powerful than any man — and who will always be that, and comes from a society of women who are more powerful than men — is an interesting theme that I think can be very contemporary.

The guy made Valhalla rising, which sure is a film that exists. And his take on the material seems pretty alright. I hope it turns out well, so we can watch the deep impoications of gender relations wrestle Christina Hendricks into the ground, her chest heaving, swinging wildly her mighty  breasts of justice, dirty with sand and sweat.

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