10 characters that should be in Amingo's slot

When Marvel vs Capcom 2 came out, there had been nothing like it. 56 characters. There was something for everyone!

Sure, a lot of these characters where essentially ripped out of other games, like we've come to expect since then from M.U.G.E.N. But there where whole newly made characters as well!

Marvel got Cable and lesser known mutant Marrow. Capcom got Hayato from Star Gladiators, Jill from Resident Evil, Tron Bonne, of Megaman Legends fame(or as I call her, Our Holy Lady of the Beloved Drill attack), Sonson(a female version of a character from a really obscure game. Midnight Bliss?) and two new characters, femme pirate Ruby Heart and Humaniod Cactus Amingo.

Way Better than Lilith?

Why? Why put in new characters in a crossover game? You play a crossover game to watch the stars from a company(or whatever) beat the guys from the other. Amingo in particular, makes my blood boil because of various reasons, from the wrongo spanish in his name to how useless he is in battle.

I wanna know how this happened. It's not like Capcom was starving for characters they could put in there. Take a look at this list. Can you picture them looking at that list and saying "oh, yeah, we need a fuckin' giant Cactus!" and then going the extra mile to make sure they get the stupid thing in there, creating sprites and thinking of all the cool moves you can put on him.

So I'm making a list of characters that the MVC2 team could have put in place of Ruby Heart and Stupid abomination against God(er...I mean Amingo). I will try to keep this list within the confines of characters from Capcom who where never put to Sprites, because I am not just pretend substituting a slot, but whatever effort it took to create the whole character. Sorry, Street Fighter Alpha/3 Darkstalkers/ Cyberbots. Also of note, this is not a top 10 list. God knows those are dubious enough. This is a list of characters perfectly able to serve in MVC2, which I think personally, would have been better in lieu of the Fakexican Plant. I will only name characters who existed before 2000 and where made by Capcom. So, let's go!

10) Linn Kurosawa

Linn was a character in the Alien vs Predator sidescrolling beat-em-up, part of a team that was rounded up by two Predators and Arnold Schwarzenegger's character from Predator.

Arnie's also a retard cyborg.

Linn, was apparently a cyborg Superhuman, and would bust shit with her hands, guns, or even a katana. Takes some guts to punch those acid-bleeding Xenomorphs. Linn would recieve a couple of nods and winks later on. It was a licenced game, but it seems to me Capcom owns Linn. Why waste a perfectly good character, huh? I think she'd be perfect for Marvel vs Capcom.

And I'm not alone!

9)Zero

Remember Zero? From Megaman X? He's like Knuckles to Megaman's Sonic? Laser sword? Of course, the game already has four Megaman characters. But a) one of those attacks with a bouquet of flowers and B) AMINGO!

Zero would later show up at SNK vs Capcom. He would have rocked Marvel, though.

That's a 3-hit combo right there.

8)Mike Haggar

A fan favorite from the beat-em-up Final Fight, Mike Haggar is a lean, mean, badass mayor of a mayor American town. Haggar has also made other apearances, including in a Capcom wrestling game. So wrestling and politics, are his part time to kicking the asses of gang members. Quite possibly the most badass character ever to wear suspenders and green pants, Mike Haggar's apearance would have been pretty fan-pleasing.

7)Eliza/Sari

Eliza and Sari are the love interests of Street Fighter characters Ken and Dhalsim, respctively. Not a whole lot is known about them. They are not known to have fighting skills. But in any case, the same could have been said of Jin from Cyberbots. This could have been a chance to take this characters out of the backgrounds and endings they inhabit and into the game. Just sayin' is all.

Tech hit!

6)Resident Evil's Hunter/Licker

Back before Resident Evil went all 28 weeks later on us, there where enemies like this to break up the monotony of the slow, shambling Zombies. Licker's in particular could have been awesome to play as, especially if teamed up with Jill Valentine. Both are forgotten now, but for the RE movies. Let us not got there.

Well, maybe just the licker.

5) The Grandmaster

The Grandmaster is the primary antagonist of the Strider series. Mostly a shadowy figure behind a cloak, I personally didn't know much about him. However, th feeling of beating a guy and hearing him say "to the pits of hell with you!" is all I need. Besides, MVC2 needs more evil guys.

4)Tessa/Tabasa from Red Earth/Warzard

Tessa is a witch from the rare fighting game Red Earth. And she's since shown up in Pocket Fighters, SNK vs Capcom and other games. This kinda breaks my rule, since she had sprites way before MVC2 existed. But in that case, the sprites where too good,the animation too sleek to possibly show up in that game. But they could have made a "Vs friendly" version. With the same time and skill spent making the pirate girl.

I DO want to se a magic trick!

3) Regina (Dino Crisis)

Of course, the problem here is that Dino Crisis is just Resident Evil with Dinosaurs. Which means Regina would amount to a Jill clone. On the other hand...

I was walkin down the street/feeling real neat...

2)Geki (Street Fighter)

There's lot's of characters I am not letting in this list simply because their sprites would'nt have to have been remade. One of those is Vega, the clawed Matador you may also know as Balrog. The other is R. Mika.

The world wasn't ready...

Ahem, but back to Vega. He was inspired by this guy from the first Street Fighter game. Sure, a clawed Ninja isn't as awesome as a Clawed Ninja Narcissist Spaniard Matador. But it would have done good for this underrepresented character.

Okay, only barely better than a Cactus.

1)Tiffany Lords(Rival Schools)

No words.

In any case, Capcom, consider this guys the next you make a crossover fighting game, whether it be SNK, Marvel, Tatsunoko or Whatever else, whenever you feel the urge to add new characters.
And ask yourselves: is this character better than Tiffany Lords?

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5 worst game character names.

Yeah? If that's your name, what are the other two?

In this day and age, names are very important. A catchy enough name can catapult a character and turn him/her into an icon, regardless of skill or other abilities. Videogames in particular have a proud history of colorful names. From Pacman to Mega/Rockman Lara Croft, the deciders of these names have had to live on with the choices they made.

But for every character with a name that is forever synonymous with games, there are a whole bunch of sad guys who get silly, silly names.The name you either can't pronounce, or just don't want to. I'm making a list about them. I'm not including characters that had no chance outside of the name. Awesome Possum could have been called Rock Strongo, and he'd still be terrible.

No, I'm going for the mostly cool character's who where otherwise given horrible, horrible names.

Thug life?

5)Sol Badguy(Guilty Gear)

Okay, Guilty Gear is den of scum and villany(in names). Trying to put some musical refferences in there has lad to names like Ky Kyske, I-No(Ay, no!) and Jam Kuradoberry. Ugh! But out of all those, I choose Sol Badguy.

Sol is a 400 hundred year old badass with a mysterious past who fights with a sword and flame attacks. I guess Sol, name for our star, is not entirely pompous for him. It's the last part that irks me. Badguy? And it's his last name? That means that there must have been a Mr Badguy and a Mrs Badguy as well.

Not pictured: Herbert Badguy and Helena Bonham Badguy

It's the mix of pretentious and gen x that earns Sol a spot. It's like having a guy called Moriarity Dudestorm. Sol is actually pretty normal. You know, by Guilty Year standards. He's not even that much of a bad guy!

4)Marina Lightyears(Mischief Makers)

Mareeeeenaaaaa!

This lesser known N64 game by Treasure features a protagonist who's main methods of attacking is grabbing stuff and throwing it at folks, or grabbing stuff and shaking it. If only someone had grabbed and shaken whoever named the girl.

Marina is a robot. So, in fact, her full name is Marina Lightyears-Intergalactic Cybot G. Let's break that down:

By shaking it and throwing it?

Marina: Because her green hair and white clothes remind you of the sea? No, she has something in common with the sea allright: both have no feet.

Liteyears: Yes, because Buzz Lightyear's name needs some plurals up in this bitch!

Intergalactic: At no point is she seen traveling beyond galaxies of her own will. She can dash a little. Does that count?

Cybot: What is a cybot? A cyborg is a human with robo parts, and a robot is.. well a mchanical automaton. Is sh a mix between the two?

G:It's a model, of course! Model's A-F where killed and rapd by their own creator. Stooooop!

Sexual Harassment is funny!

For god's sake, girl, stop touching them!

3)Mission Vao(Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic)
Star Wars has never been a place for middle ground names. Either you're Han Solo, or you're Greedo. Kotor is faithfull to the franchise even in that.

Mission Vao is a young street urchin with a lot of spunk and a can do attitude. She also happen's to be blue and have tails on her head.

Either way, Mission happens to join you on your mission to defeat the Sith empire. Along the way, Mission has her own mission: To find her Brother.She talks about it during her intermissions. He also has troubles with team paranoid Carth Onasi, because of his intromission's on her life.

Mission is a terrible name.
"Very funny, guys. Let's get on with the mission. D'OH!"

So, an insane Asian dictator, a Black Boxer and a Matador walk into a bar...

2) Vega, Balrog and M. Bison(Street Fighter)
You probably know this, but if you don't follow closely:

The character's M. Bison, Balrog and Vega are differently named in Japan. The brutal dictator was known as Vega, the Spaniard was Balrog, and the boxer was M. Bison. M. Bison was a loving sendoff to Mike Tyson, but fears of a lawsuit(or a terrible beating) made Capcom's American base rename the character. So they, instead of making a new name, switched the names of the new bosses. And in either side of the pond, something is always wrong.

Take Japan. Sure, M Bison is kinda clever and also powerfull for a Boxer. But why is a spaniard named for a fierce creature in Lord of the Rings that was a)gigantic and b) wilding a whip!? Seriously, where'd they get that for a thin and agile clawd matador? And Vega for a (at least originally, but SF 4 made him MORE )Asian dictator? Did they put a bunch of names in a bowl?

Hey Lopez, quit wasting time on the phone!

In America they tried to fix it by making the Hispanic guy Vega and the big black guy Balrog(yah, he's a total Tolkien buff. When he's not busy killing in the ring). But that leaves us with a Dictator who may be named Mike Bison. That's not a dictator name, unless you rule southern rural America with an iron fist.

Face the mighty Michael!

Is there something here that other Kombatants don't have?

1)Reiko(Mortal Kombat 4/Armageddon)
Oh, Reiko: The pallete swap ninja that time forgot. He may very well be the most formulaic and generic fighter the franchise has ever had. Just the sight of him can put any Mortal Kombat fan to snooze, when they're done theorizing whether he's the big bad or not.

It's like finding out Darth Vader was Steven Guttenberg all along.

In fact, do a google image search. Just Reiko, don't add Mortal Kombat. I'll wait.

Notice a trend? Reiko is the only male character to appear on the search. All the others are females. That's because Reiko is a Girl's name!

I had no reason to believe Midway(now WB games?) could flunk a name on this level. They never had! Most of the names up to 4 where cool sounding. Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Kabal...all deliberate, badass names.And they mostly seemed to know their Asia folklore. Then they put Reiko in there.

As if he needed anything more to be a joke character.

Finish HER!

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BGE webcomic: Revenge of the Fawlen.

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Scolding Review: Terminator Salvation

So....is that a chaingun, or a confusing new addition to the Terminator mythos?

Continuity is a trick mistress. She can be constantly be traded for other's, but the rewards for sticking with the one you love are substantial.

Which brings us to the Terminator franchise. It all started innocently enough. A man from the future travels back to the past to protect a future leader of a resistance before he is born from machines that travel in time to kill him, and in the process spawns that guy. The second film answered less about the future. After all, we could change that crap, before it happened. In fact, the heroes dump the Terminator parts from the first movie that would be re-engineered to create the future evil genocidal machines. The 3rd film, however, took the route of predetermination: you can't CHANGE the future, and in fact, it will play along exactly as it would, even if you'd think it could be changed simply by being known. This is weird. Does that mean that even if I know that tomorrow's turnover's will be burned, I can't simply be aware of this and lower the heat. No, the turnover WILL burn. Which means that both previous movies were a waste of time for the characters: Neither the machines nor the humans could change things(though they obviously did, if only the knoweledge of the events.)

Hey, and who wouln'd put aside sheer survival for THIS?

Which brings us to the fourth instalment of this particular series. Now that the 4rth movie all but clipped the wings ofany more attempts to travel in time and save John Connor. So, is the future all that it's cracked up to be?

Not quite.

I entered the theater admitedly late. By then, new-tagonist Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) is being offered to donate his death-row-bound body to science by Dr Serena Kogan(Tim Burton's Wifey). Why she's asking him, I don't know. Last I heard, they could turn prison bodies into total bologna without asking for shit. Marcus is an inmate and is heavy with guilt over the death of his brother and two cops. I guess it was a hold up gone bad? Either way, he asks the cancer stricken Dr Kogan to make out with him. She becomes obviously uncomfortable with this. So he steals a kiss! There where cops at the moment, and they kind of start making the forms for a nightstick beatdown but they back out. I guess they're into the kinky stuff if it features hotties straight out of chemotherapy, huh?

Oh miss Lovitt, I wanna eat your meat pie!

But then...the future! John Connor, a sperm in the first movie, a street punk in the second one, a junkie by the third is now a badass commando played by Christian Bale. He's on a mission he was prepared for all his life: and perhaps that is his downfall. Because let me tell you, John Connor here is a terrible leader. He's the kind of leader who believes his own hype: HE'S supposed to be the leader of the resistance, so one of his main concerns is finding his father Kyle Reese and sending him back to the past so that he can exist in the future and lead the resistance.

Congratulations! You just turned a plot hole that was wisely ignored 3 times into a story element! Now we can watch John Connor try and find his own father! Oh, goody! I wonder if it's gonna be ackward.

Connor: Soldier, we have found the means to send a man to the past. But sadly, the machines have too, and have sent their own machines to kill me before I am born. I am, obviously, the leader of the resistance that will lead us to freedom(or have I already lead us? I don't know.), so it's your job to protect my mom and ensure my survival.

Kyle Reese: Yessir! I think we could use this wonderfull technology to PREVENT all this, but maybe protecting a crummy future with nuclear winter is the way to go rather than preventing it with proof and time travel.

Connor: One more thing, Reese. You will find that my mother is an extremely fuckable waitress. SO make sure to have as much unprotected sex as possible.

Kyle Reese: WHAT?

Connor: I'm just saying, I need you to have sex with my mother so I can be born.

Reese: I'm YOUR Father? Doesn't the fact that you are here mean that you existed before I traveled back in time to spawn you in the first place?

John Connor: Maybe. Time Travel is so confusing. So, off you go, dad!

E=MCG?

So, besides exploring a time paradox, our hero also fights robots and gives speeches over ham radio. It is during the robot fighting that he discovers that Skynet is now taking prisoners. Strange behavior, indeed. What could they want with the humans they so obviously and singlemindedly wanted to kill? Are they harvesting their energy, or just anally probing them? All in all this wasn' the future his mother talked to him about. But let's get real here, she didn't really know much more than what Kyle Reese told her. It was all secondhand information and guessing, since she didn't live any of it.

John Connor sees the machines escaping with their prey, and, with his whole squad dead, tries to persue a cargo ship on a helicopter. He is quickly shot down, but I couldn't help stop and think just what the hell was his plan. You obviously can't shoot both a turret and fly the chopper at the same time. Maybe he was gonna kick it? Either way, he survives both crash AND a Terminator attack, then is picked up.

Right after he leaves, Marcus Wright just comes nude out of the mud and starts screaming. Not like a traumatic scream. Not a terror scream, though. More like " I want mom and dad to think this ferris wheel was worth the money".

Hey, if you where in both mud AND rain, you'd yell too.

Apparently somehow(a very obvious somehow) he woke up after donating his body to science to a post apocalyptic future. He wanders around, confused, picking up the clothes of dead strangers. Eventually he makes it to a city, where he tries greeting a metal skinned beggar.

But it attacks! It's a T-600 Terminator! It's a lot like the t-800 skeletons, but it's got some drapes over it and a bandana and some shoes made out of newpaper. He's like a down-on-his-luck Terminator.

Terminator Salvation Army

Luckilly, our hero is saved by a teenage Kyle Reese and his plucky mute sidekick Star. They kill the machine in the great tradition of Home Alone: with traps made out of household items!They explain to our hero that some bad shit went down, some nukes where shot, machines hunt down humans, and roadkill is now acceptable food. Marcus wants to get to the zone where where Dr Kogan might be, if she isn't dead(it's been years, she had cancer and NUCLEAR WAR started.), because he needs some answers. Kyle wants to go to John Connor, who has a good reputation( I guess he doesn't tell folks about the embarassing chopper crashes. Yes, he does it twice) on the war against the machines. They fight over this for a bit.

Meanwhile, Connor is entering the secret submarine of the resistance. There, the leaders plan how they are gonna deal with the whole humans being captured and taken to Skynet central. The leaders want on of those bomb-everything plans, but Connor wants to make sure some humans survive. Hey leaders, if you have been able to bomb Skynet city, what are you waiting for?

Kyle, Marcus and Star stop by a gas station,where some kindly people offer them help, while others warn that the machines could endanger them- and no sooner are the words said that a giant mecha with pincer claws starts scooping people up and shooting at those that try to escape.

The machine designs at this point take some strange turns. There's a giant lumbering robot designes for capturing that also can shoot robo-motorcycles from his legs. There's a giant cargoholding airship with giant robots that come out of openings. Who designed this things? Dr Robotnik?

Because you may need a machine that drills the slower humans.

Either way, Star and Reese get taken away, as Reese was a specific target for capture. Marcus hooks up with Moon Bloodgood, who you may remember from the Legend of Chun-Li. Or hopefully you don't. Here she plays Blair Williams, a jet fighter pilot. There's a bit of romantic tension and cliche's as William's hotness attracts rapists and the usual rescue stuff happens.

Meanwhile, Connor and his obviously too clean and pretty for the apocalypse even by movie standards pregnant wife test a new audio thing that could potentially allow them to destroy the machine's brains with it. So to test it, they fish out a robo leach, a machine who's use it's so specific, it's laughable: Swim up to you if you're in the water and hug you're face and drown you with it's robo-wang. Again, Dr Wiley stuff, here, but they discover the soundwave-code thing works! Suberb!
So, say the humans wander near a lake...

Now, Williams and Marcus are making their way into the Resitance camp when Marcus falls into a mine Williams was supposed to have deactivated. When he wakes up, he discovers...THAT HE HIMSELF IS A MACHINE!!!!! AAAAAAAAH!

This is shocking to no one. He should have known donating his bod to science wasn't without issues and we saw it on the previews. John Connor is pissed up at Marcus, because Marcus is unable too properly explain his backstory. Swear to Odds! Where he could have said: 'I was on death row and donated my body to science, who obviously turned me into this' he starts saying the year he was born in, like that make him believable.Connor lists the sins of Skynet to Marcus: trying to kill him in the past twice, killing his father Kyle Reese(or is that, going on to kill his father in the future? Because it happened in the past, but they have yet to travel in time to do it) . He didn't mention his own future death, which was told to him by Arnie in T-3. His wife is still here, so I'm guessing that's canon. Marcus says that his Reese is on his way to Eggopolis, or the Machine city or whatever it's called. John Connor, not believing, issues the order to disasemble the guy and goes to his room to see if his mom left any memo's on cyborg men.

Can't help you out there, kid. I do have some stories on sex with a time traveler, though!

But Blair believes in Marcus, so she frees him with some obvious, dumb tricks. She might as well have played the "the prisoner is sick" trick.

After much shooting and robo-drowner design justification, Bale trusts Marcus because he saved him, but he is still persona non grata in Camp Connor.Eventually Connor stalls the attack on the machine city and goes there himself. Marcus goes there as well, only to be met with some sad answers.

This, but with more Bonham Carter action.

See, all this, the human kidnappings, his being a cyborg, the alleged code-wave that could allegedly kill machines, specifically hunting Kyle Reese was all a trap so he would lure John Conor in there for Skynet to finally kill. Amazing, huh? So they knew who the guy's future father would be(I guess he wrote it on his blog?) and kidnapped him so they could lure him on there and kill him. That's some foresight! Just one thing, though: Why not just kill the father? If he dies, John Connor will never be born! Why build specialized machined for this ruse, when strapping a bomb to Marcus and exploding it will do just as good? Why are you telling this guy, just KILL HIM or TAKE HIM OVER!

But, anyway, Connor is lured. What surefire plan can the sofisticated machine that is Skynet have in store for our hero? A T-800 of course! A single (CG) Arnold Schawzenegger, naked and unarmed. It is of note they where on a machine factory at this point: they could have tried using more than one machine to try and kill him.

Skynet?

Our hero is unable to block Arnie's throwing attacks, until Marcus steps up. Aparently stopped planning at "tell the guy our scheme" and didn't go into "ways the guy might screw up the plan if we tell him". But the combined might of Marcus and Connor is not enought, and Connor is speared throught the heart. Eventually,though, Marcus, Marcus gets aroung to winning.

So, the hostages are rescued, and Skynet city laid to waste. But John Connor is badly wounded. He might not survive much longer with his pierced heart. Until Marcus gives him his heart.

No words!

Not like that! He donated his preplayed heart(a Terminator punched him there, that invalidates the warranty) to Connor, and with the best medical treatment post apocalyptic, outdoors surgery the resistance can provide, he gets better! Still, there is more Skynet to fight, and now that Connor's stupidity has killed all the real leaders, he can finally fullfill his destiny.

This movie's just okay. I guess i didn't like the directions they took on the story, characters and mythos. Some of the Terminator's had too much of a "guy in a rubber suit" feel to them. Guess Stan Winston is well and truly dead. I never did feel that taking the story past Judgement Day was all that great. But even then, I feel it could have been better. 3 out of 5

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Almost doesn't count?

Yeah, but why does the bear get's top billing. SEXIST!

The story: A woman sends a letter requesting Pixar do a movie about a self-reliable young girl who isn't a princess.

The reaction:

The Reaction to the reaction.

The reaction to the reaction to the reaction to the request.

And now for my piece.

I can get behind the Idea of more female lead action-adventure movies. But it comes a point looking back when one seriously wonders "what is exactly necessary for a female character to be widely accepted by women?

Sure, sensible voices might say "a female character that is interesting, smart, and independent". They might cite, Mulan, Ripley. Maybe Lara Croft or Alice from Resident Evil. Or maybe even Pixar's lead in their upcoming "The Bear and the Bow".

Kameo, having her faerie period.

But does apparently don't count. Mulan was co-opted into the Disney Princess marketing branch, which immediately destroys any redeeming quality her character and her adventures might have had. And even if Pixar has output some interesting, multidimensional female characters, and are already planning a future female lead flick, it doesn't count because she's aprincess. Never mind she comply witht he rest of the characteristics in the letter, which I assume was written with the knoweledge before hand. It's like "sure, you haven't been terrible to women and are already planning something which could be good. Pfft, big deal. Why's she a princess. "

But what about Lara Croft and Alice? What about Selene, from Underworld? WHat about Ripley? Well, aparently a female character can't also be pretty, good looking, or sexy. The character might have more depth than any character, but if she's pretty, then any personal traits go directly to the garbage bin.

A pink car? Sculpted body? This is comepletely sexist. I'm going back to Flavor of Love reruns.

It's at this point thet tha logic gets a bit fuzzy. Women want a female character they can identify with, which is not pretty, not a princess, is not sexually atractive in any way. But then they say than men should be able to relate to a character who is a woman. So, is this a game of "how much like me is the character?" or do you want a character that is both a woman and interesting? Because at the end of the day most of action/ adventure movie characters are only partly relatable, but mostly over the top charicatures and generalazations/stereotypes. I don't relate to a scruffy asshole like Dr House, or a corrupt cop from Shield, or even a rough around the edges good guy like Wolverine because I am those things. It's because, at the core the audience understands, or thinks to understand, the character's plight.

In the next scene she wields twin Uzis while flipping in midair.

I am not saying that you shouldn't request for more female leads. Request away! All I am saying is that when you do get those characters, do not find little things to discard them. I'm not telling you to love RE's Alice, or that Chun Li in this year's movie was enough. But treasure the ones that have been. If a princess is gonna be the brave, independent(but anachronical?) soul that will show a girl there is more to life than shopping and boys, then don't be judgemental. It's not all gonna be Million Dollar Babies or Girlfights. But since when are all movies directed at men any more accurate about them, huh?

I also recognize that I am taking multiple opinions from mutliple people. There is no product universally liked. But downplaying female characters over the little stuff only ensures that good character's get overlooked while Lifetime movie channel and Twilight laugh at you all the way to the bank. Good female characters are few and far between. Don't let them go. Don't discourage them.

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Scolding Review: Street Fighter: TLOCL

Guest starring Jago and Glacius!

You wanna hear something funny? Making a Street Fighter movie is EASY!

No really. They already did a perfect movie template for it years ago. It starred Jean Claude Van Damme and it was called...Bloodsport.
Bloodsport was a movie about real life martial artist Frank Dux, as he fought in an illegal mixed martial arts tournament that has Sumos, African coconut choppers, brainless biker types and all forms of martial artists. This movie was influential on Mortal Kombat, and the movie has various shout outs("You're next", The low blow).

To make a Street Fighter movie, just make a cross between Bloodsport and Dragonball. You'd think at this point someone would get it. But the fact that I'm here to review this movie indicates otherwise. This is my review for Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.

The movie stars Kristin Kreuk as the first lady of fighting, Chun Li. Unlike most other folks, I thought it was a good move. Chun Li is one of gamings most popular characters, having been in nearly every Street Fighter and in, and this is important, every single crossover game Capcom and everything else, from Breath of Fire to Megaman. Personally, I usually try and choose the girl in fighting games first. The movie follows Chun Li as she roughs it out and tries to rescue her father from the evil M. Bison, his courier Balrog and his on-demand murderer Vega. She will be aided by "old man" Gen, bum/interpol agent Charlie and Maya Sunee, of the Thailand police. Man, that Thai police sure has gone out of it's way for diversity and hotness.

"Bad Boys, bad boys: Whatcha gonna do?"

The movie opens up real nice with a piano and narrative by Kreuk. It is at this point where you should enjoy the narration before it becomes an ear grating, school report-like monster. So Chun Li is enjoying life as the oblivious daughter of some kind of undescribed criminal, when all of a sudden, Bison and his men horn in on on her life!

"Hey! I ordered Psycho Power! I want to see the manager."

It is this way how we meet the living contradiction that M. Bison, played by Neil McDonough. Bison, you see is pure evil. Everytime he walks onscreen the live tiger he ate for breakfast roars from his bellie. He would kill all who oppose him and he is a merciless...

"The next time you move, tell me. I'll bring you a housewarming gift..."

The hell? If that's some insinuation he'll burn his house down, it's pretty weak. Other wise, Bison is one bad Motha...

"I would never fight a Schoolgirl"

Really? Bison, your prejudice against schoolgirls will set you back incredibly the next time Sakura shows up at your door. Now, other media takes on Bison have made him fun by making him quotes you can probably remember, but this movie sadly makes him neither fierce nor memorable. He just...is there. In any case, is this really what Bison would say?

If you're thinking Chun Li's father's importance will come up later, well not really. Whatever he was, is or does bears no relevance on the plot. All you need to know is that he sired Chun Li.

So, since Bison wouldn't fight the young Chun Li, and Chun Li wouldn't fight Bison, they settle on letting him take Chun Li's father. Growing up without a father can be really tough on your dominant racial features, though. Woops! Now, I don't mind Chun Li being half white, but maybe she should be consistent in her race from age to age?

So Chun Li's mother dies(no relevance and no one cares) and she recieves a misterious scroll that offers her the only clue to her father's whereabouts, and decides to find whoever sent it to her. And so she is told she should live on the streets of Thailand, and feed only on free samples from Thai food kiosks, in order to be learn the truth. Eventually, she runs into a gang of thugs preying on an old man. So she beats them and kills one of them. As you will see later, Chun Li is a scholar of the Steven Seagal school of thinking, where being the good guy makes everything you do fine and legal. Or maybe the Thailand Police is incredibly incompetent...

Probably. They have a whole room dedicated to mob work, when Interpol Agent Nash comes in and tells them who, exactly they should be investigating. Dude, you represent an international police force or Miami Vice? Don't the have a dress code, at least? You're dressed like you're about to pick up the groceries. And you just drop in, like nobody's bossiness in a local police office, and start blathering on about bisons and crap? At least Maya is easy on the eyes...

Oh, yeah, several of the characters have no last of first names. Balrog what? Just Bison? Is it a nickname? We never find out. Which, considering this are wanted men, they should have been researched.

So, Maya and Charlie have one of those romances where they act like they hate each other's guts, but they really don't. It's a bit cliched, but so is everything else from here on forward.

Chun Li's street fighting pays of, as Master Gen takes her under his wing. It will take years of training before she can...

I thought it took a lot of training. Only one night?
Allright, Gen! If you're so good, why don't you just Kamehameha the crap out of Bison? I mean, ignoring the fact that you're supposed to be Gen, which means you shouldn't get to shoot fireballs, that must mean that Bison has some unimaginable powers. Gen works for an order called "The Web". The Web is aparentlly him and two stall owners, though, because we see no other members.

Inexplicably, we see Bison's origin as it is told by Gen. Bison was an abandoned Irish Orphan, raised by the Streets to have an Irish accent and steal fish from fishermen. So, this wild child, this modern day hunter-gatherer caveman one day took his pregnant fiance to the Badonkadonk caves and ripped the unborn baby from her womb, transfering all his goodness and concience into the child. I guess it's one of those lessons where you had what you wanted all along!

Somewhere over the Rainbow...POWER! UNLIMITED POWER!

There are many questions about Bison's origins. What sort of loophole do Thailand orphanages have where where they just abandon foreign babies instead of deporting them back to their country? I'm sure there is a procedure for foreign nationals abandoned in any given country. How does a brutal street urchin end up with a beautiful fiance and a nice suit? Do you need conscience to fight schoolgirls? What the hell are those caves all about? They are only mentioned once. Was Gen actually there at any point? All of these burning questions and more are left unanswered. This script needed a few rewrites. But most heinously, Bison sold his "soul" so to speak, for being conscienceless, so he could...not take over the world... not to be powerful but so he could drive up crime in the slums, buy them, demolish them and sell expensive houses for the rich.I guess it makes you a supervillain in Police Academy or Superman Returns, but real estate crimes like this DO NOT require fireballs. Plus, does't regular old mob crime make money as well? I mean, Earlier in the movie Bison had Vega kill his fellow mobsters so he could be top dog. And he's already rich. I mean, at least they could have said he feeds off sadness, that might have made more sense!

So Chun Li, after being told she isn't ready to face Bison and his minions, decides she is, in fact, ready, and able. She dresses in some drapes and heads fo' da' club! There, she lures Bison's henchwoman Cantana into a bathroom with what some experts are telling me, is dancing. Hey, I may not judge Cantana for being a lesbian, but I sure can judge her for being a lesbian with bad taste. After some non-sexyness and getting beat up, Cantana spills the beans! But Bison's henchmen are on to Chun Li! And so is Charlie!

"THIS is why Clark never told you his secret..."

Well, Charlie not so much. See, Charlie, being extremely genre savvy, knows that he should not try to arrest the movie's titular character. Instead, Seagal's law says to wonder aloud who she is, while not looking it up in a computer. I mean, Bison, Balrog and Vega may be off the grid, but Chun Li is a somewhat famout pianist.

So Chun Li comes back to Gen, who has nothing to say of her disobedience. I guess his not the "rough training" kind of master and more of a "do whatever you want" kind. Bison, whoever, does mind, as he's preparing for the shipment of White Rose. What is White Rose? You'll find out soon enough.

So in retaliation for getting info out of his lesbian, Bison sends his henchman Vega on her trail! Now this should be a fight for the ages!

"Tio, Tio!"

What happened? I can forgive Vega not being beautiful or shirtless, but he's not even skilled? This is hands down the worst version of Vega, even worst than the cartoon version. Because this Vega is a pussy.

Finally Chun Li's actions lead to her being captured by Bison, who promised her father he would see her before he died. See, not having a concience has nothing to do with keeping your word. And he would definitively toy around with those who threaten those his plans, because it's not like they can escape or anything...

Except Chun Li decides that the perfect time to escape is after her father's death and not before. Her naive attitude leads to the death of her father and the apparent death of Gen at the hands of ONE BAD LOOKING EXPLOSION!

Doom 2 alpha?

Now, I am an easy man to please. I can forget plot in favor of action and explosions. I enjoyed Transformers and Independence Day. But that, my friends, is possibly the worst explosion that has snuck off into actual cinemas. It looks ripped right out of a game. A game with bad graphics.

Having screwed up everything, Chun Li decides to work with the odd couple, to finally stop the Shipment of White Rose. I'm guessing since they had nothing on Bison, they thought they might catching him trafficking drugs. What else could White Rose be? A ship full of flowers?

White Rose, sadly is Bison's daughter. Remember, the one he transfered all his goodness into? There she is! Described by Bison as his only weakness, White Rose is a beautifull young girl who only speaks in Russian. How is she a weakness to him? Unknown. Maybe she's like Kryptonite to him. But that would make his insistence on bringing her really weird. Still, they seem to know each other and be in fairly good terms (which is very confusing, since he's supposed to be without goodness or conscience, and he doesn't seem at any point to just want to exploit her) . Then why the insistence on SHIPPING HER! Can't Bison catch a plane and see her? I mean it seems like she's just a plot device they didn't know where to take! She's certainly not SF: Alpha's Rose.

So, with no information whatsoever on anything Bison related, Chun Li, a resurrected Gen(The only RPG that can kill Gen is Quest 64. BOOM!), Charlie, Maya and the Thai police finally rush to the scene. This leads to some shooting, flipping, more shooting, sneaking, gunfights, Michael Clark Duncan,some shootouts until finally, it's down to Chun Li vs Bison!

As you can imagine, Chun Li starts losing, until Gen's training comes back to her...

"You must cheat in order to understand true victory..."

So Chun throws a bag of powdered milk on Bison, and uses the full force of Smallville level special effects to Kikouken the hell out of him. Or at least, I like to think it was a Kikouken. It's a strange fireball that looks real crummy. Still, the son of a bitch won't die! So Chun Li decides to take a cue from that other fighting game and jumps down on the defensless Bison, executing an impossible spin that twists his neck back, killing him in Cold blood!

His spirit will haunt you, bitch!

You crossed the line, Miss Li. I guess a hardass like Interpol Agent Charlie Nash would never let you home free without...

"Nice Work"

Nice work? NICE WORK? Are you Interpol, or U.N.? When given the chance, Mr Nash, do you EVER enforce international laws? Swear to God, this exact moment happened to Steven Seagal when he killed a bunch of people to prove his innocence over a murder. It DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!

>I'm pressin' charges! I'm pressin' charges!<

So, after killing a man in front of his daughter, just like it happened to her, Chun Li completely misses the opportunity to reflect on the nature of revenge. Instead, she and Gen decide to throw a little hinting our way, letting her know of a tournament and that they want to recruit someone else for the Order of the Web. A Rayoo...something.

So, what? No R. Mika spinoff?

Gee, that DOES sound like a good movie, Gen. Hopefully when it's done, it won't have terrible plot gaps, annoying tacked on characters and twisted logic.

But the main problem is, maybe that is the movie they should have done. The one where fighters of different styles fight in exotic locales. And not Batman Begins without any inspiration, Special effects budget, or faithfullness to the source. So if the Hyde Park seriously plans more Street Fighter movies, it should at least recognize that Street Fighter is about fighting, and if the fighting is lacking, the movie is lacking. This movie is rushed and halfhearted across the board, wich is a shame because some elements of it had potential. I give it 3 out of an overall 10.

That will be all.

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