Batman: Arkham Shitty

Oh. Acclaim. Why am I not surprised?

I heard you, guys. I wasn't on the internet, but I heard. You where talking about Batman Arkham City, the first game that apparently succeeds at the whole "Now you're Batman, in a wide open city, beating up  goons" thing.

I mean, let's face it, most Batman games have been deeply ingrained in preexisting genres like "Beat-Em-Up" or Racing"". That doesn't make them BAD games (being bad games made them bad games), but in terms of immersing you into the cowl and tights live of the Goddamn Batman, it felt a little...lacking. That is, until someone finally tried to give us the full Batman experience in  1998s movie tie-in "Batman and Robin" for the Playstation.

Hey, I said "tried". TRIED.

The interactive spawn of the filmic marketing machine that  put the lucrative Batman franchise out of theaters for 7 years, Batman and Robin  is a full on sim, with Bat Computer antics in the Batcave,  Batmobile driving down Gotham Park,  and the actual score from the actual movie. That last part is sort of amazing in the context that Spider-Man games always had this...stock music that felt like a slap to the face to the tunes Danny Elfman strung together. And hey, I do like Eliot Goldenthal's score for Batman and Robin. So sue me!

Be nice to the new neighbors, dear. They just went through a reboot...

However, the game is so poorly constructed, that any joy, even ironic, that could be derived is quickly smashed under the weight of some pretty garbage gameplay.

The game opens to a CG Full Motion pre-rendered Video of Gotham, where Mr Freeze is coming from underground in his Freezemobile as his minions  also drive recklessly in the streets. I guess this isn't crazy, considering his plan is to  burst into a museum to steal a diamond, Ice skate for a bit,  then use a rocket (with a bomb in it) to blast  off into the sky, then glide down on butterfly wings. He should have gone to Africa, where there's lots of diamonds and no Batman. Oh, well... there is one now, but not back then.

He did give me a sign. Now... to wait until he hits me more time.

Then Batman is in the Batcave, which immediately leads to you controlling him. You can press a shoulder button to switch between  running and "the batman strut", and another to switch between "detective" and "insecurely punching" modes. Detective mode has the option to jump in it, for some reason. And it also has the gadgets you would want to throw at a villain's faces.

Eventually, the player wanders into the vehicle platform, where  Batman(or Robin, if you so felt inclined, by wandering into the Robin ensigned closet.) and drives of in one of the vehicles into the big city.  The city itself is sparsely populated, and most of the citizens are, as expected, eccentric  criminals. Weird clowns and dominatrix gymnasts(but not THE Weird Clown or THE Dominatrix Lady Gymnast) are loose and stalking Gotham's two other inhabitants, while the police don't even bother. Luckily Batman's car is armed with a mosquito machine gun, and he  can blast away from the safety of his cockpit. Until he runs out, that is.

However, Mr Freeze isn't just after mere jewels, and has declared a holy war on  the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder.  Every  half a mile two cars from the movie, a motorcycle, or a kamikaze ice cream truck will try to Benazhir Bhutto your ass. Unless you get off. Then they leave you alone. This would add entertainment and excitement to what otherwise would be a quick drive to the grocery store(of crime) if it weren't that the controls for driving are awful.

Ice Cream! Death to the Batman And Ice Cream!

Seriously, the get 'into the Batmobile and drive there' part is one of the worst  virtual driving things ever. I mean, I would rather play Multi Racing Championship than drive in this. Getting your car to drive straight is an unachievable goal, and you forget about Robin's motorcycle. Forget it. You'd think since they put the effort of putting it in the game and making it a significant part of it, they'd have put the effort into making it not fucking suck.

Eventually, after finding "clues" and  picking coins out of payphones  to put them in newspaper dispenser machines to get health(yes, BILLIONAIRE playboy Bruce Wayne isn't gonna fucking pay for his own newspaper) you get into the Museum, which doesn't fully exploit the over the top scene of the movie. Mr Freeze isn't even there. It is here that, if you haven't yet been killed by Ice-cream trucks yet...you will see this.

Aww... he got a shorter one just for Barbara!

That's the game over screen for the game. One of them, at any rate. You will see it every time more than 3 of Mr Freeze's men catch you.  Every time you  press an attack button, you should hear George Clooney ask the U.N. for permission to attack the person in front of him within the next decade as long as Venezuela puts half the money.  But whenever 3 of the Freeze Faithful gang up on you, they begin what is known in fighting game culture as an "an infinite" and to your local Gamestop as "why we still sell controllers". There isn't enough health(which comes in the form of floating double helix strains. Yes, Batman is going into town picking up people's genetic material and putting it in his mouth. Why do you ask?) and the controls aren't reactive enough.  And again, since  a significant amount of options that would be useful in combat, such as jumping and drawing gadgets are on detective mode, you will have to rely on the combat actions or learn to quickly change into detective mode to get out of trouble. And the movement is tank-like, yet imprecise.

What Killt de Dynasoars? Dere Ar Diffrent Teeorees about Dee Ecksackt CAUSE but mohst scientists agrree it didn't involve DEEICE AYGE!!

Eventually, The Caped Crusader or his Loyal Liege secure the diamond before the Iceman gets to cometh. Which leads you back to the batcave, where you have some pretty useless clues about where  Freeze will strike next. The next mission is a sordidly designed jewelry store, where you are supposed to  wait until the bad guys arrive so the mission can be done. Not waiting like , at a stake out, or perched and watching the people. Waiting as in, wander around an empty jewelry.  Go ahead and trip the alarm. Then it's waiting...with an alarm blaring.

This game is stubbornly obsessed with time. With making you wait. With making you get there in time. With  clues having to be at a particular moment. I kind of get why one would do that...but in a game this poorly constructed, it just adds another layer of confusion and frustration. This is Batman and Robin, not fuckin' Shenmue!

Hurry up and die! Gotta pick up the kids at soccer practice.

But the waiting isn't the hardest part, as Mr Freeze finally shows up to grab the gem and kill the heroes. Yes. Kill them. Yes. Yes. As I stood there, in front of a shuffling model with a pixelated Arnold Schwarzenegger face on it, whiffing away,  watching him do gymnastics, I was wondering what the hell was going on.  It is then that I realized that the fighting system is truly broken. He won the first one, of course. And the next few ones, too.  Then it hit me like a thunder strike: third person fighting rules had abandoned me. Everything I knew was a lie. The only truth is that  he needed to be a good sport about me kicking him and not hit back, because my hits are no good here, but his hits  affect me. Life isn't fair, Batman.

But, yeah, our heroes steal another diamond, yet Freeze...flies away.

I actually lost the next mission. Yes, you can lose and move on, like in True Crime. I don't see why the fuck you would want to lose, but in my case, I had no choice, as wandering the latest labyrinthine jewelry store aimlessly lead to a glitch in which Freeze's  henchmen who was supposed to steal the thingie froze(ha ha) there, and made the stage unwinnable. I could have tried again. But I could also have made this paragraph  a loosely put together  chain of profanities. I didn't want to do either.

And he's single. Ladies.

However the next mission is  exactly the same, but without the glitch, and I get my chance at revenge on fucking Frosty. I don't get what difference it makes who gets a diamond or not. And why are the jewelry stores so apart?

The a small release came. I wandered behind the Robin ensigned closet and noticed yet another closet, which enabled me to play as Batgirl. I thought she would be playable in a later moment, but I guess she was here the whole time. Though her vehicle, the Batcycle, is the humblest looking of the 3, it handles the best and has the least problem surviving  the sudden goon strikes that haunt the player. That's right: in a stunning reversal, Alicia Silverstone's Barbara Pennyworth  is the least bad part of Batman and Robin: the game. Sure, she looks like Pagan and sounds like Maya, but anything that makes this experience less bad is good.

No jokes about women drivers here. Unless you consider this a joke and this thing here a woman and the steering in this game driving.

After getting myself lost AND caught saving after the game was winnable, I found the botanical garden scene. You know, I'm not a bigshot game designer, but if you're sending the player looking for something called "Botanical gardens" in a city full of flat doors...maybe don't make it look like a garage door. I've been to a Botanical Garden, and it didn't look like  that at all.

Still, big scene. You don't get to bid over the toply for a woman that came out of a monkey suit, but you do get to fight scores of henchmen. And there's icicle mines. Also, there's some thing making the floor blue that kills you. Oh, and the bad guys like to attack with grenades now. And sometimes, they come out of unexpected places. I actually came in with full health every time, and they just knocked it right out of me. I discovered blocking and rolling. Still dying. It's like a very deep game of chess where all your pieces are pawns and kings and the other player has a shotgun. Then FROSTY shows up again. I thought he was in jail? Isn't Vivica A Fox gonna show up? She's in this movie, too!

So, if you can somehow brave the crazy fucking odds...you get your shot at Mr Freeze again. And this time, he means it! He's got a device that shoots ice randomly, he's building big ice pillars atop a giant hand, and he's not afraid of kicking you into the ground and freezing you before you get up. Your first instinct might be to run up to his face and beat the shit out of him. Mine too. It failed. He can easily destroy you in 2 seconds if he gets  3 hits in. Then I tried using the batgadgets to wear him down first.  It did not work particularly well. You might try patiently trying to gather gadgets from afar to wear him down. But if you wait too much, the machine explodes and you fall down for no good reason. Touching the device hurts you. Falling is easy and sometimes you can even fall through floors. His health goes down slooow, and there's two bars that each respond to different types of attacks. There are no indicators as to what you have to do. There is no strategy here: if you won, it is a series of coincidences that strung themselves together to enable your victory. It is the perfect boss fight. For the boss I mean.

Mah emoshons mede me wick!

Or is it? Will I be able to beat this? Am I going to quit and go back to playing enjoyable games? Find out next time in Batman: Arkham Shitty 2!

Continued in part Two!

Continue

Naming Conventions that really piss me off and how i beat them.

Even in an age where iconic imagery and hi def trailers are easilly accessible, what your project is called is still important. Sometimes the difference between "they click on it" or "they pass on it" is just whether the name they just read catches their attention or not.



People sometimes spend a big deal of mental energy coming up with just the right title that will just vibe with the audience. However, sometimes the conclusions upon which they arrive just make me angry. Those would be...

Unnecessary subtitle

Hey, congratulations! You just got the rights to this weird little fiction, and now you get to make a movie about it. You know, they haven't ever made an American movie about this, and it's got a pretty good fanbase. However, the name, it's a little strange. Fans that know will know, but other people, they might be confused about it. That's when you put in a subtitle. If you're good at it, it'll describe the plot somewhat. If not, it'll make no sense.



Key Examples:

Dragonball Evolution

You know, just because you put a generic non-descriptor doesn't mean that people who don't know Dragonball won't be confused. Evolution might have been a nice name, you know, for a sequel in which someone or something actually evolved, whether in a symbolic way or in a literal way, not for the beginning where the story was just starting. In truth, if DB: E hadn't been a total failure, it might have been set with names for the future sequels. At least when people want to refer to it as a pox on their franchise, they won't have to come up with creative naming.



Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Okay...The Fallen is one of the least impressive, least important robots in all of the Transformers movie-verse and rather obscure in the comics. If you really think people where lining up to see what his revenge was gonna be like(or about) then you sorely misunderstand. Goddamit, whatever happened to numbered sequels?

Overly Flowery subtitle

Hey, good news! You get to make a remake(or otherwise readapt) a movie! You know, we're taking a different approach from last time. We should probably kind of put a different title in there, just to differentiate the two. Sure, it's unlikely people will confuse a movie from 1993 with a movie from 20XX, but who knows? Make it exciting!



Key Examples:

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li.



You know, not every story can be a legend. And if I where going to call adaptations of games Legends, I sure wouldn't start with the most minimalist approach possible to the franchise that has a caveman from Brazil fighting a fire breathing Indian. Sure, you WANT people to know this is a movie about Chun Li, just in case it's a hit and you get to make other, not Chun Li centric movies. Personally, I think Chun Li: Street Fighter would have been fine.



G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra



If you know anything about G.I.Joe, one of the key elements everyone knows is that they pretty much have one key enemy: Cobra. Advertising that G.I.Joe will be fighting Cobra is like advertising Superman will be wearing a cape in the next movie. However, this movie is about the RISE of Cobra, which is funny, because Cobra is essentially not really in this movie. I mean, it becomes Cobra just in time for most of it's operatives to be aprehended or killed. Sure, one of them is very well set, but it's not exactly Cobra’s rise to notiriety. Plus...did nobody thing of the sexual connotations of "The Rise of Cobra"?



Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The FUCK? Are you fucking kidding me? Are we gonna pretend this movies are too good for numbers? Transformer 3. There, that's your title. But no, no. The Dark of the Moon. Ooooh, that's deeep. This isn't a fucking poetry book, people. At least, I haven't heard of any poetry books where Asians pull dual pistols on robot dinosaurs.

The Mash

In attempting to put several naming conventions into this name, you made a mockery of a title. Sorry.



Legend of the Guardians: Owls of G'a Hoole.



At some point, someone that cared accidentally put the most generic fantasy title on this Owl centric medieval fantasy movie. Later, execs probably stepped in, and realized they didn't want the movie to sound like one of them floundering online games that aren't selling as good as World of Warcraft. Plus, you want people to know this is about Owls. So, they subtitled it Owls of G'a Hoole. This isn't you father's owls. No, this Owls is straight outta G'a Hoole, motherfucker!



In the mind, it reads like this: (Kind of adventurey thing): (with owls?) (From Vomit sound)



Seeker: The Dark is Rising



Who, me? Oh, no, I'm not a seeker. However, it is good to know the dark is rising. I'm gonna try to get Harry Potter on the phone, maybe he can put a damper on it. No, please: If the dark is really rising, we need to have the real article.



Rise of the Planet of the Apes:

Executive cold feet at it's best. This movie used to be called Rise of the Apes. It didn't need to tell you what franchise it was the (dubious, presumed) start of. But I guess they got real scared. "We need to put "Planet" in there" must have yelled one. "Apes are in the public domain!" and so they stuck the term planet in there. Not only are there now two "of the"s, but the title seems to imply it is the planet that will rise.



Final Fantasy



I'm sorry, but...this is getting kind of stupid. First you got the Roman Numeral thing going on. That's cool. Then you start doing Arabic numeral spinoffs of games in the series. OKAY. Then you add Online Games to the Roman Numeral Adaptations because you can't be bothered to make a simple spinoff series like with Tactics. By the time Final Fantasy Versus IIIX existed I realized you where just fucking with people.



Hey, I think I could make a generator now! It’s easy. Just paste the following into the writing software of your choice:



(x) character (y) secondary character (Z) element (l)location (G) gender (fr): Franchise (

(fr): (g) of action


(fr): A (g) and his (Z)


(fr): Flight of (z)


(fr): The Secret (z)


(fr): Revolutionary (G) (X)


(fr): (G) of (l)


(fr): Adventures in (l)


(fr): Adventures of (x)


(fr): (z) Syndrome


(fr): The (z) Protocol


(fr): (Z) Fury


(fr): (Z) Dream


(fr): Rise of (x)


(fr): (l) Rising


(fr): Revenge of (x)


(fr): Return of (x)


(fr): Escape from (l)


(fr): (x) Returns


(fr): (x) Begins


(fr): (X)'s (Z)


(fr): (X) vs (Y)


(fr): (Z) of (l)


(fr): The (z) King


(fr): Tales of (l)


(fr): (x)'s World


(fr): (z) World


(fr): Attack of the (Z)


(fr): Back to (l)


(fr): Return to (l)


(fr): Evolution


(fr): Rise of (x)


(fr): Legend of (x)


(fr): Death of (x)


(fr): The Fall of (Z)


(fr): (Z) Falls


(fr): (x) Forever


(fr): Death and Return of (x)


(fr): (x) Goes to (l)


(fr): The Treasure of (l)


(fr): Apocalypse


(fr): Resurrection


(fr): 3D


(fr): (x) Rises


(fr): Codename (Z)


(fr): Lost in (l)


(fr): All Stars


(fr): (x) Strikes Back


(fr): The Movie


(fr): & (Y)


(fr): (Z) Of Blood


(fr): (Z) of Fear


(fr): (x)'s Odyssey


(fr): Shadow of (Z)


(fr): (x) and his (Z)


(fr): The Battle of (l)


(fr): Roar of (x)


(fr): Conquest of (l)


(fr): (x) Lives!


(fr): (Z) Rage


(fr): The (Z) Wars


(fr): War of (Z)


(fr): (Z) Soldier


(fr): (x) in (z) (l)


(fr): Revolution


(fr): 2: Electric Boogaloo


(fr): Homologation Special


(fr): (x)'s Lair


(fr): Destruction of (l)


(fr): Misadventures of (x)


(fr): (Z) of Dreams


(fr): The Return


(fr): Reloaded


(fr): Defender of (l)


(fr): Hunt for (Y)'s Gold


(fr): (Z) Hunter


(fr): (Z) Hunter (Y)


(fr): Hunt for (Z)


(fr): The First (Z)


(fr): (x) does (location)


(fr): The Last (Z)


(fr): (z) Force


(fr): The New (Z)


(fr): The Revenge


(fr): The Sacred (Z)


(fr): The Golden (Z)


(fr): The (l) Heist


(fr): (Z) Strike


(fr): Medicine Woman


(fr): (X) The Adventurer


(fr): (Z) Quest


(fr): (x)'s Quest


(fr): (x)'s Curse


(fr): Curse of (x)


(fr): (Z) of Blood


(fr): The Next Generation


(fr): Generation


(fr): Mystery of (Z)


(fr): Story of (X)


(fr): Bloodlines


(fr): Die, (x) Die!


(fr): (G) under Fire


(fr): (Z) Patrol


(fr): (Z) Star


(fr): (x)'s Day Out


(fr): (x) Jr.


(fr): Brothers in (Z)


(fr): (Z) Apocalypse


(fr): (x)'s Caper


(fr): (x)'s Revenge


(fr): Land of (Z)


(fr): (X)'s Rage


(fr): (X) meets (Y)


(fr): King of (Z)


(fr): The Motion Picture


(fr): Ghost of (x)


(fr): (Z) Crusade


(fr): The (Z) Master


(fr): (g) Against the World


(fr): (x) and the (z)


(fr): (x)'s (z) Adventure


(fr): Mythologies


(fr): (z) Alliance


(fr): Deception


(fr): Armageddon


(fr): (x) Origins


(fr): Bride of (x)


(fr): Project (Z)


(fr): (x) Hero


(fr): Age of (Z)


(fr): Nightmare on (l)


(fr): Siege of (l)


(fr): Dead (Z)


(fr): (Z) in Time


(fr): (Z) Attack


(fr): Princess (x) in (l)


(fr): Princess (x) in (Z) Kingdom


(fr): Journey to (l)


(fr): Raid on (l)


(fr): Raid of (l)


(fr): (x) 2014


(fr): (x) 2050


(fr): (x) 2099


(fr): Revelations


(fr): Road to (l)


(fr): The (Z) that Eats People


(fr): Journey to (l)


(fr): Year 1


(fr): Challenge of (x)


(fr): Wrath of (X)


(fr): (z) Of Death


(fr): Starring (X)


(fr): Day of Reckoning


(fr): (z) Evolved


(fr): (z) Master


(fr): (x) is Missing


(fr): (z) Nights


(fr): (z) United


(fr): The Search for (x)


(fr): The (x) Warriors


(fr): The Path of (x)


(fr): Clash of (z)


(fr): Deadly (z)


(fr): Extreme (z)


(fr): Xtreme(z)


(fr): (X) Beyond


(fr): (x) Legends


(fr): (z ) Rescue


(fr): Seeds of (X)


(fr): The (x) Factor


(fr): The Lost (X)


(fr): (Z) Adventures


(fr): Chronicles


(fr): Chronicles of (X)


(fr): Chronicles of (z)


(fr): King of (l)


(fr): Unleashed


(fr): Perchance to (z)


(fr): The (l) of the (Z)


(fr): (z) Chaos


(fr): The (z) is Rising


(fr): (Z) Impact


(fr): (z) of Doom


(fr): Mark of (z)


(fr): Mark of (x)






(fr): The (Z) Within


(fr): (x) (G)


(fr): (x) of War


(fr): Ultimate (z)


(fr): Lethal (z)










Then, using the replace all options replace fr): for the Franchise of choice(put a colon in there as well) (x) for the lead character (y) for a secondary character (Z) for an element of the franchise (l) for a location (G) for gender(Man, Boy, Girl Woman).



For example, let’s try Dead or Alive. Replace all fr): for Dead or Alive as such:

Using the same method replace (x) for Kasumi, (y) for Ayane, (Z) for boobs (l) for Ass Mountain and (G) for Girl. It should look like this.



Dead or Alive: Girl of action


Dead or Alive: A Girl and his Boobs


Dead or Alive: Flight of Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Secret Boobs


Dead or Alive: Revolutionary Girl Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Girl of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Adventures in Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Adventures of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs Syndrome


Dead or Alive: The Boobs Protocol


Dead or Alive: Boobs Fury


Dead or Alive: Boobs Dream


Dead or Alive: Rise of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Ass Mountain Rising


Dead or Alive: Revenge of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Return of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Escape from Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Returns


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Begins


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi vs Ayane


Dead or Alive: Boobs of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: The Boobs King


Dead or Alive: Tales of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's World


Dead or Alive: Boobs World


Dead or Alive: Attack of the Boobs


Dead or Alive: Back to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Return to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Evolution


Dead or Alive: Rise of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Legend of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Death of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: The Fall of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs Falls


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Forever


Dead or Alive: Death and Return of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Goes to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: The Treasure of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Apocalypse


Dead or Alive: Resurrection


Dead or Alive: 3D


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Rises


Dead or Alive: Codename Boobs


Dead or Alive: Lost in Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: All Stars


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Strikes Back


Dead or Alive: The Movie


Dead or Alive: & Ayane


Dead or Alive: Boobs Of Blood


Dead or Alive: Boobs of Fear


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Odyssey


Dead or Alive: Shadow of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi and his Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Battle of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Roar of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Conquest of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Lives!


Dead or Alive: Boobs Rage


Dead or Alive: The Boobs Wars


Dead or Alive: War of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs Soldier


Dead or Alive: Kasumi in Boobs Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Revolution


Dead or Alive: 2: Electric Boogaloo


Dead or Alive: Homologation Special


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Lair


Dead or Alive: Destruction of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Misadventures of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs of Dreams


Dead or Alive: The Return


Dead or Alive: Reloaded


Dead or Alive: Defender of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Hunt for Ayane's Gold


Dead or Alive: Boobs Hunter


Dead or Alive: Boobs Hunter Ayane


Dead or Alive: Hunt for Boobs


Dead or Alive: The First Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi does (location)


Dead or Alive: The Last Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs Force


Dead or Alive: The New Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Revenge


Dead or Alive: The Sacred Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Golden Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Ass Mountain Heist


Dead or Alive: Boobs Strike


Dead or Alive: Medicine Woman


Dead or Alive: Kasumi The Adventurer


Dead or Alive: Boobs Quest


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Quest


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Curse


Dead or Alive: Curse of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs of Blood


Dead or Alive: The Next Generation


Dead or Alive: Generation


Dead or Alive: Mystery of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Story of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Bloodlines


Dead or Alive: Die, Kasumi Die!


Dead or Alive: Girl under Fire


Dead or Alive: Boobs Patrol


Dead or Alive: Boobs Star


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Day Out


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Jr.


Dead or Alive: Brothers in Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs Apocalypse


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Caper


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Revenge


Dead or Alive: Land of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Rage


Dead or Alive: Kasumi meets Ayane


Dead or Alive: King of Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Motion Picture


Dead or Alive: Ghost of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs Crusade


Dead or Alive: The Boobs Master


Dead or Alive: Girl Against the World


Dead or Alive: Kasumi and the Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi's Boobs Adventure


Dead or Alive: Mythologies


Dead or Alive: Boobs Alliance


Dead or Alive: Deception


Dead or Alive: Armageddon


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Origins


Dead or Alive: Bride of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Project Boobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Hero


Dead or Alive: Age of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Nightmare on Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Siege of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Dead Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs in Time


Dead or Alive: Boobs Attack


Dead or Alive: Princess Kasumi in Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Princess Kasumi in Boobs Kingdom


Dead or Alive: Journey to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Raid on Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Raid of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Kasumi 2014


Dead or Alive: Kasumi 2050


Dead or Alive: Kasumi 2099


Dead or Alive: Revelations


Dead or Alive: Road to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: The Boobs that Eats People


Dead or Alive: Journey to Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Year 1


Dead or Alive: Challenge of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Wrath of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs Of Death


Dead or Alive: Starring Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Day of Reckoning


Dead or Alive: Boobs Evolved


Dead or Alive: Boobs Master


Dead or Alive: Kasumi is Missing


Dead or Alive: Boobs Nights


Dead or Alive: Boobs United


Dead or Alive: The Search for Kasumi


Dead or Alive: The Kasumi Warriors


Dead or Alive: The Path of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Clash of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Deadly Boobs


Dead or Alive: Extreme Boobs


Dead or Alive: XtremeBoobs


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Beyond


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Legends


Dead or Alive: (z ) Rescue


Dead or Alive: Seeds of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: The Kasumi Factor


Dead or Alive: The Lost Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Boobs Adventures


Dead or Alive: Chronicles


Dead or Alive: Chronicles of Kasumi


Dead or Alive: Chronicles of Boobs


Dead or Alive: King of Ass Mountain


Dead or Alive: Unleashed


Dead or Alive: Perchance to Boobs


Dead or Alive: The Ass Mountain of the Boobs


Dead or Alive: Boobs Chaos


Dead or Alive: The Boobs is Rising


Dead or Alive: Boobs Impact


Dead or Alive: Boobs of Doom


Dead or Alive: Mark of Boobs


Dead or Alive: Mark of Kasumi






Dead or Alive: The Boobs Within


Dead or Alive: Kasumi Girl


Dead or Alive: Kasumi of War


Dead or Alive: Ultimate Boobs


Dead or Alive: Lethal Boobs






See, now you don’t Have to make an uninspired name. You can just FIND one We’re done!



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Is the dream dead?

* I mean, you liked Voodoo Vince and Quantum Redshift, right?

No, the dream is not dead. The dream is, in fact, very much alive. I have used my break from internettting to work on it.  I am speaking, of course, of my 4 year old promise to make a Party fighter homage to  the Xbox. Did I miss the 10 year anniversary? You bet. But I carried on. Ultra Crush Siblings is closer to being done. And I guess according to Sony at least, the time is right...

I've got the main basic player 1 moves done. I am working now on code that will enable the sprites of said  moves to change according to the chosen player. I'm also setting up the interface HUD.

No, I don't plan on using your precious Master Chief sprites, Innerrayg. If that is your real name. It's just a placeholder.

I've also got how Arcade mode will work pretty much worked out. I plan to allow 2 player co-op in arcade, but no promises. I've got a boss in mind. I'm keeping it a secret.
 

Pshhhhewewewewuuu!(moar placeholder)

I've got a cast pretty well set up mostly in my mind. I can confirm Master Chief, Fudgehog, Buki and Flint. Do not trust images I've done in the past. I'm still deciding a couple, and since then, some have been added, some removed.

Hey, I like the cast to YOUR Xbox homage game. Jerk.

Do you want to help? Well, if you want to pitch in, I could use the following(note: there is no pay in any of these jobs):

voice actors: You don't have to be  Frank Welker or anything. I'd rather not rely on ripped off sounds, especially when they are as hard to find as Sudeki and they always have pieces of music stuck. It's supposed to be funny, so  you don't really have to make the exact voice.

Music People: I'd rather not rely on downloaded midis or ripped music.  You don't have to be Danny Elfman or anything. If you can get a song from Kakutou Choujin into Mario Paint or midi, that would be pretty good.

Spriters-You don't have to be Scruffydragon or anything. In fact, I'm not looking for sprite edits. I'd rather have crappy original sprites than edited stuff. I mean, I can do it, but if you can do it better and are willing to put it out there...

Resources people: On account of being quite poor, I haven't been able to play every single Xbox game(sniff teardrop sniff). If any among you have had access to said games, and can give me footage, ripped sounds or some such that I can often need, that would be wonderful. Or better yet, if you can get me the Xbox and the game...

Okay, that's probably taking it too far. I would like your help in choosing certain elements though. For now, leave in the comments which characters you think would be cool to play as, as well as any other suggestions for weapons, modes, attacks or general advise.


I hope you guys don't think I'm asking you to, as they say, "make my game". If no one shows up to help I will do it. I'm just saying if there's a likeminded individual out there that thinks that  an homage to those buried jewels of the Xbox deserve more than what little music I can make for it,what attacks i can make up on the spot, and what voices I can record on my old crappy microphone, then we can join forces. Remember, this game isn't for me. I mean, sure, I'll play it. But not only will I not profit from it, but all of you will enjoy the gameplay, if it's enjoyable.

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Fighting Female July

Folks, women are to me like fighting games. I'm no good at either, but that doesn't stop me from loving them all the same. So, while playing an awful doujin game the other day, I sort of got to thinking about women only fighiting games, about how maybe there wern't enough good ones. And about women in fighiting game in general. So I decided to look further, and in order to condense my findings, I have decided to dedicate a full month to women, and the fighting games they fight at.



So this July look for Reviews of female only fighting games, character love letters, and drawings all featuring the best, worst, and most obscure of what women have been like in fighting games. This July is Fighitng Female July.

I wanted it to be Fighting Female February, but that  did not pan out, and and  I don't love the alliteration enough to delay the whole thing a year. See you in July, girls!

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Scolding Review Dragonball Evolution

All-ah-wanna-say-issat, they don't really care about us! Aaaaaaah!

Well, well, well. We meet at last. I remember being so busy defending would be turd Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li, I barely had time to defend Dragonball. I certainly didn't want to watch it. My Dragonball experience is roughly two weeks of Z, which taught me that the franchise takes it sweet time to make stuff happen. The movie has much less time to develop an arch, yet somehow manages to waste what time it has.

The film opens to narration, but you can skip it. It's repeated wholesale later. But if you must watch it, it says that once there was an alien bad guy named Piccolo, and he and his minion Ozaru pretty much had the earth by the balls. But then some mages did a suicide spell and cast him to the center of the earth. But he just escaped. I would have liked to see the escape.

Antennae? That would look make this green skinned, pointy eared  alien named after a flute...silly...

You know, I really like James Marsters, but he's wasted on this. He doesn't get any real good moments, and doesn't even meet the heroes until the climax. It's not really a problem that he looks like he walked off  an episode of the later Star Trek series, but he's just  a dull character with  a really weak motivation, and no amount of "scary voice mod" will help with that.

Then we get to watch Goku, played by Justin Chatwin, the annoying boy from The War of the Worlds, sweat, before he gets into some elaborate choreographed fight with his grandfather. I've seen worst stunt work, but the old man has been given some terrible lines to work with.

Now, let me hunt down the elephant in the room and make some fine piano keys with it: I don't care if Justin Chatwin is white. I don't. At all. See, thing is, Goku is an alien. He COULD be Asian. Or he could  be a black guy. What in-story reason would he have to  to require being Asian of the South East variety? All this "they should have cast an Asian in the role" stuff is fairly silly to me, as if people somehow expected a Dragonball movie  made in Hollywood by Fox to be an accurate portrayal of the franchise or any good at all  let alone take some kind of high road in terms of casting. Hope in vain, true believers.

That said, Justin Chatwin is not right for the role of lead in an adventure movie ANYTHING. He needed to be upbeat, he needed to be energetic. He can't put passion and emotion onscreen here. And it's painful to see him try.

Back to the movie, grandpa wins an arousing game of "The floor is made of lava" by shooting a wave of transparent energy at  Goku. He and his grandpa proceed to bond, with Goku complaining that  stuff at school is hard, and he feels outcast and he just can't get a girl. So, hey, he's just like you, kids! He can do wirefu and shoot Mamamama energy, but he's still bullied at school! Don't you hate that?

Also, when he made this face to tell Goku to believe in himself, I quit the movie.

So then we see Goku go to high school, turning the first part of a martial arts adventure into a lame and unnecessarily cliche of bullies and classes and bullshit. But I guess the writers must have known this was trite too, so they turn the crank up on those cliches up to eleven. Goku doesn't just have bullies steal his lunch money and embarrass him. They PARK ON HIS MOTORCYCLE, DESTROYING IT(which seems like it should harm the car that does it). He doesn't just have a crush on a girl. He has visions of the girl fellating  a strawberry in a field of daisies.

Maybe they should have called it Dragonball: Subtle.

Now, usually in this stories, the hero doesn't have powers, gets bullied, then has powers. So my question is: How many fucking times would you let people bully you if you could shoot waves of energy? Let's say you have no secret other identity to speak of. Your just some misunderstood soul who happens  to have super powers and mega martial arts. What would keep you from making a big display of them?

But trouble is afoot as the evil Piccolo is using his Final Fantasy brand airship to scour the land for the 7 Dragonballs, the megamaguffins of the franchise that can grant anyone's wish once collected. He attacks some kind of asian village somewhere with his assistant, a woman who always wears magenta.

Goku decides to bail on his grandfather and his huge birthday feast in order to spend party time with Chichi, the love interest from school. So he goes to a party where everyone is, even the bullies. What is it with you Americans and going to your enemies' parties? Stay home! Go to another party!  Don't party where the people you hate are partying!

So the bullies try to murder him on sight. But Goku uses bullet time to make them  beat each other up. Having made the alpha males into beta males, he proceeds to court the female. Mating is a long process in which the thick layers of fat earned in the winter are...sorry.

Also, a bully knows how to do  a flying kick.  Super Bullying at it's best.

Essentially, this becomes, "The day Spider-Man remembered he didn't have to take shit from nobody because he wasn't a superhero and just had to beat everyone up and get the girl". He could have done this  at any point in his life. You don't even have to fight. If a guy shot an energy wave at me, and I fell down, boy, I would STAY down. They're trying so hard to sell him as a downtrodden guy, when he should at least have everyone afraid of him.

But then Piccolo just had to  try and find  Grampa's Dragonball, unaware that he had given it to Goku. You'd think a powerful whatever-he-is like Piccolo would know  who has what mythological trinket, as he doesn't seem to be tracking the Dragonballs based on rumor and speculation. So, not having found the ball he mortally wounds gramps and drops the house on him like Applebloom dropped Twist. This activates Goku's Goku-sense, and he gets there to find some cryptic talk from his grandfather, who points him out to the next useful character and then dies.

She was sweet to you, you heartless bitch!

So, free of his school duties somehow(and if I could shoot waves of energy, only parental devotion could make me stay in school, too.), Goku remains at the ruins of his former house, until Bulma Briefs, one of the most terribly named characters in anything ever, shows up  and starts an action scene. It seems she is searching for a Dragonball that was stolen from her company. However, she is mistaken about Goku and the two join forces to get to Master Roshi.

It is a good moment to point out that I don't know what this world is. It's somehow futuristic in design somewhat, but not "flying car" futuristic.  I mean, there IS a flying car, but it's an exception. Mostly it's those small, ugly European cars. I would set this future somewhere beyond Robocop, but before Starship Troopers.

Well, I know it's earth. That's about it.

So Roshi lives in an island with a San Francisco house in the middle of what looks like Neo Hong Kong. Sebulba and Goku walk in, which triggers a martial arts scene between Roshi and Goku. As far as fights go, I've seen worst, but there are two things that bother me. One is that once Goku starts punching at super speed his grunts sound silly, like Videogame spamming. And two, that Goku shoots a wave that misses Roshi and hits Bulma square in the chest...and she has no questions about that. In fact, no character is amazed or shocked at the amazing feats being performed. Like, really? You got knocked into the floor by wind coming out of a guy's hand, and  not even a "what the hell?" It's like this with Chichi too. Is this shit the norm or what? Isn't half of Dragonball people surprised at things?

So, a third party member is acquired, and this one fills the role of mentor left by whatever the old man's name was. Roshi is weird. He's over the top, but I don't get what he's even supposed to be in the first place. A crazy guy? Some kind of wacky uncle? However, I couldn't help but cast George Lopez instead of Chow Yun Fat for some reason. My mind is weird, sometimes.

Then they get to where the Temple where going, but there's a tournament there and Chichi's participating. They really want to keep her in this movie, but don't want to make her anywhere near part of the main plot. They also meet some monks, including that guy who played the black Ghostbuster. I guess he's going for serious roles now.

So our heroes travel through my favorite Dragonball environment:  huge expanse of endless desert. It's here where our heroes meet a fourth  party member:  desert thief Yamcha. And you know what? I don't even remember which one was Yamcha, but I like this dude's upbeat personality and almost cartoon like voice and delivery. This guy should have been Goku. He's probably just as known as Chatwin anyway.

Eventually they find a cave that leads into lavaland, where yet another Dragonball exists. But Piccolo sends his minions after them. They defeat them all easy .Lady in Magenta actually has  a scene in which her punches don't affect Goku.

The stakes are high!

So, she decides to attack the heart and disguises herself as Chichi using her blood because that's something she can do. She steals all the Dragonballs from under our heroes, and then actual Chichi shows up and starts kicking her. But the moves are evenly matched. Goku then has that moment in movies where there's two people that are identical but the hero doesn't know which is the real one and which one is the  impostor. I'm gonna make a gif collection of those some day.  Goku beats one down with no actual evidence but her own word and waits with his back turned until the one he saved reveals her true nature by killing him.

Also, the dress isn't part of the transformation, which leads me to the natural conclusion  Magenta scoured the malls and outlets for the same dress Chichi had and was gonna wear that night.

Goku meets his grampa in the afterlife, but then Roshi revives him. With Piccolo now having all the Dragonballs, it's on to the final act.

Pics uses his 'Balls to cause one of my favorite things to happen: Evil Geography. It's that thing where huge spires of evil rock raise from the ground, symbolizing the villains power to reshape the very earth itself. I've seen it better, but it's good here.

So Yamcha uses his now flying car to crash  into Mt Piccolo, and our heroes run upward. Vulva Girl has a shootout with Magenta, and Roshi tries to trap Piccolo in  a spell. Then the twist comes.

Speaking of Twist coming, she doesn't need you for that anymore because she's found someone else, you ungrateful hick!

Goku turns out to be Ozaru. Despite having been trapped since the days of the early Church, apparently( and really, setting Piccolo's past conquest of earth "2000 years ago?" Jesus must have fled earth when he saw him, right?)  Piccolo recast his monkey assistant as a young alien baby Manchurian Candidate that came to earth just in time for the exact event that required him to. But what little I know of DB being contradicted aside, what matters is that now the film has an excuse to put on film a  7 story high ape, one of the elements of the franchise you'd think would be too "out there" for Hollywood thinking.

Except it is too out there, because the ape is roughly the size of an NBA player. Now, putting aside the fact it's a really bad CG werewolf that happens to be an ape, think about this: The whole plot hinges on that Ozaru's return is a VERY BAD THING. It is referred to as Apocalypse.  It is key to Piccolo's return to power and that involves rivers of lava running free across the earth and the annihilation of entire countries. Now...HOW THE FUCK DOES A 7 FOOT TALL APE HELP WITH THAT? No, don't look to the movie for answers. He just chases people, poorly. Actual monkeys are scarier than that.

Also,  it looks pretty bad.

Either way, they make a Kate Beckingsale-less version of the ending  from Van Helsing, only it's Chow Yun Fat getting killed that makes Goku rediscover his  humanity.  And as such, the final fight between a powered up Goku and Piccolo ensues. It's not a bad fight. They shoot magics at each other  and fly and punch. They do the Dragonball thing, but in live action. Not excellently, but they do it. Eventually, Justin Chatwin Kamehamehas Piccolo into dust and uses the power of the Dragonballs to revive Roshi. Yamcha and Bulto get together, Chichi and Goku get together  and we even get  a hintsie that  the Piccolo I knew is gonna show up in the sequel. I can't wait to see a green James Marsters kick children on the big screen. Is it 2012 already? It is? Then I guess this movie must have been a failure and no sequel is ever coming, then!

This film is marred by bad scripting, cliché after cliché, and some pretty bad acting, especially from the lead who should be CARRYING the movie. Some of the set pieces are good and I liked the fights, but for a work inspired by Akira Toriyama's seminal stories it lacks what the source material had in spades: energy.

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I live!

Aspirin!

Dear Loyal Followers:

I have been having troubles of the economic sort that have kept me, as it where, out of the game. But I am soon to return. I have written several things, and I'll try to post them on autopilot. The Lord has blessed me with several undeserved opportunities, and hopefully I will soon again post much more, regarding my adventures out of the net. I even wrote a book I hope to post on Lulu.com. But...That is a tale for another day! Stay well!

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