Applied Logic: Episode I

 In this new series I will dedicate a whole post to a flawed character, concept or story, as compared to real life.

Let's be real. Not everyone in the train Superman stopped is good. Some might even be so bad
that their demise might be considered a silver lining should anyone find out what he did to
those orphans.

However, there are other kinds of characters, the ones that just seem like sexually
attracted to being killed, that just don't seem worth saving. Let us consider ow, the plight of Boomer, a remarkable dog in and unusual position.

"Fame is NOT a bitch, sadly."

I bring to your attention the case of Independence Day.
Now, this movie's bound to be on TV at least once a year, so you've probably seen it. If
not, I'ma just give you the scene.

Aliens are blowing the crap out of New York with some slow-moving explosions. Over the
horizon and through it's streets a limbering wall of fire and debris is flying  towards

Vivica A Fox, her kid, and  their faithful golden retriever Boomer.  When she notices this,
they ditch their gridlocked car and run away to escape. Running into  a bridge, Vivica
notices  a door. She kicks it open. It's a desperate plan, and one I think would probably
not work in real life.

The kid asks where Boomer is.

Boomer is like 10 feet away from them. Boomer isn't nervously bounding. He didn't
desperately run away from the explosion. He just then, with no regards to the Tsunami of
taxis that aproached, decided he needed to rest on a pick up truck's haul.

"Boomer!" She yells, probably too scared too add "You stupid fucking Dog! Get in here before
you fucking die!"

"I'm not the kind of woman to let the dogs out!"

Boomer turns his head towards his owner. It's not exactly clear why he was staring the hell
away from his owners AND the mass death that endangered them all. Maybe he saw some
squirrels. Maybe he felt death was inevitable. Maybe this was filmed on a soundstage where
the dog was waiting for his offscreen trainer to give him the command to leap over things.

Regardless, Boomer now pays attention.

Oh, you mean ME Boomer. Heh.

The rest is movie history. Boomer leaps from car to car and eventually jumps into the door

just as the fire comes through. For some reason the energy from the explosion doesn't

somehow enter the room and blow the 3 of them away, and rather the explosion passes like the
Angel of Death in passover.

I'm sorry, Boomer, but you are too dumb, and your dumbness endangered lives.  May God Have

Mercy on your soul.

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Dead Horse Attack! Attack of the Clones

"We've got some leftovers. Reheat this and put on some 3D to mask the flavor".

Sure enough, everything’s coming up Star Wars  for the foreseeable future.  The New movies, along with the 3D-fied  re-releases that got canceled the fuck out because Disney don't play nice with competitors and now writing this seems a smidge more pointless but it's already written, are gonna have us quoting Yoda until our tongues bleed.

In the 3D pipeline next comes along the less maligned  Attack of the Clones. With it’s reduced kid actor factor and  Jar Jar’s presence lessened,  and being  sandwiched between the overhyped  Ep I and the hilarious finale, I think this movie is far too ignored when it comes to the prequels. And with good reason. While the other 2 movies produced some iconography to go  along with their dubious achievements  , Attack of the Clones does not generate anything in the way of memorable, iconic moments.

On a personal note, this is the only Star Wars movie I own. It was sort of an impulse shopping choice. I already knew I wasn't impressed by it, but it was cheap and Star Wars. I've never even seen it fully, and that only ever happened with a select few DVD's of mine, including Ghost in the Shell Reborenning and some Civil War movie with zombies. I at least tried to watch the Civil War zombies movie before it became gay(no offense, gay people. I was already branching out of my element with Zombies and Civil War before the gayness. 2 elements I don't care about is fine, 3 is stretching.)

What I’m saying is that Attack of the Clones is the worst Star Wars movie of all time, discounting the Ewok spinoff’s and Clone Wars CG movie(mostly because I didn’t see them).Here’s my reasons why.

George Lucas is a creepy, creepy man

"Not like sand at all..."

The movie is notorious for it’s romantic subplot. If anything happens in here, it’s set up of how every single thing that happens in Star Wars ever is all because of a dame. And killing children, avenging a mother and having more power. But most of all because of a dame.

Regardless how charming you think sand is, you have to remember that when Anakin met Queen Padme, he was a mere, doomed child. After Naboo, they did not meet until years later, when he’s ben inducted into the Jedi order and she’s been downgraded from Queen to Senator (I don’t think Lucas understands how Monarchy works.) Once he meets  her again, they’re all in love and stuff.

I guess what I’m saying is that old G.L. meant for Anakin a young boy who grew up in poverty, to have fallen in love with Parme, a fully grown woman  of royal blood since the moment they met. There's precedent and everything.  I’d spare you the thought of  Jake Lloyd wacking off to holocrons of Padmen’s senatorial hearings…but I hate you.

Now, I’m not saying that it’s wrong for people to fall in love with people they met as kids, or for people to fall in love despite large age differences(let’s face it, even dramatically, the least age difference between Padme and Anakin is 7 years). But it’s strongly implied that they fell in love when they first met. That this movie confirms that “are you an angel?” is a pick up line is just plain wrong.

Villains are miss or miss

"It's a stupid plan, alright? Hopefully we'll leave this franchise and get paid before we get decapitated."

Episode I killed the one thing everyone agreed was good about it: Marauding, scary-face-painted Darth Maul. For what it’s worth he was genuinely  well executed, missing only some character. They set up the threat, had him chase the good guys, showed his menace by having him kill a good guy, and then he died.

So EpII had at least the one good thing to live up to. It’s villains where Jango Fett and Count Dooku. Let’s break it down.

Jango is the father of Bobba Fett, who is not important at all in any movies. But as both a merchandisable entity and a callback to older films, I get it. Sure, where Bobba Fett came from before  dying like crap is important. Whatev.

Thing is, Jango, who sets up events by trying to kill Padme for some reason, is not a good emerging batter for Maul.Where Maul  offered constant menace , Jango is not an active danger. Where Maul upped the Ante  for Star Wars combat, Jango’s high point is that space chase, which was marred with with the whole “take your kid to kill Jedi” thing.

As  much as Maul was a wasted opportunity for Obi Wan to fight later, Jango is a complete waste. He’s after Anakin’s girl, (and this is sort of his love story) and yet there’s no sense that Anakin cares about getting that guy. Or Obi Wan might want a rematch for his beat down at Kamino. But that doesn’t happen. Hell, If Padme killed Jango, if might have given her a little edge. But instead, Samuel L Jackson in a robe kills him. The guy who precipitated all the films events just gets offed casually by  a character who doesn’t do much else. Hurray?

But I guess Jango is just the warming act to the film’s real villain: Count Dooku. Dooku is, no joke, the least impressive Star Wars villain ever.

There are several factors that make a good villain. One is menace. Darth Vader had this. Vader was shown to be a menace early on, and powerfull enough to command the loyalty of his troops. Count Dooku is first mentions along the lines of “no way is this guy evil!” And that’s at nearly half the movie!

Right before our climax we meet our dreaded…um…political idealist. An old bearded man played by Christopher Lee(well, you could have implied the former from the latter). I hope no one takes me for a hater: I like Christopher Lee. It’s just the fact that the other factor Star Wars villains is otherworldly appearances.  Guys like Jabba, Mail, and Vader have  outlandish physical  designs, which help boost the fact they are the bad guys. Dooku is Christopher Lee’s head on a stuntman, in an attempt to be “hip” with the kids that where all into Lord of the Rings.

I guess if Dooku had a motivation, it could  offset the plainness. But he’s a political idealist(and a former Jedi, because apparently you CAN just up and quit) for something we won’t see.  Maybe he’s against gay marriage, or maybe he wants to to clear away the corruption of the Senate…by establishing a clearly evil dictator in place. You’d think after all the political bullcrap they put in the movies, they’d at least make this more clear.

The movie is the least essential to the others

"Something's going on down there. Even if I wasn't a Clone I still don't think I'd know what."

You could make the case the prequels where wholly unnecessary as expansionary devices to the Star Wars mythology. Indeed, the backstories of characters like C3PO and BobbaFett are unrequired at best, and what it does to Yoda, Anakin, and Obi Wan is not much of an addition.

But in truth, they do set up up the main conflict  and characters from the OT. But do you need to watch Attack of the Clones for that?

See, Episode I is the set up to the whole scene, but it’s mostly it’s own movie. It Establishes the bad guys, the good guys, and the mysterious mystery of the Sith. II and III are more of a tandem. But what does II set up? Well, romance and a few injuries. At the end of I they where at war with robots, and by the start of Ep III they’re at war with robots. That an unconcluded conflict was started on an unconcluded battle is not necessary knowledge. You could arguably skip II and skip straight to III, and not be missing much.

In dramatic terms, the selling point of Anakin’s descent into the dark side is very mishandled. Besides having to regress his characterization later in III, the whole thing where he avenges his mother by slaying a whole city worth of people is  treated like a misdemeanor, and plays no part into how and why he becomes Vader. When you can fit a whole TV show between movies, perhaps there was no need for a movie.

But maybe it’s a trouble with  middling chapters to preset trilogies. Matrix Reloaded, Pirates of the Caribean 2…a filler episode might fly on TV, but not as a movie.

The movie is most dependent on the others

Obiwan's gonna pick Cable and Magneto for the Umpteenth time!

If you haven’t seen any other Star Wars film ever, or the millions of hours spent discussing their story, cultural impact, or characters, the second part of the second trilogy is a bad place to start.

It starts of with someone being targeted for murder for no reason. There’s two people who have met before, and are sort of in love. There’s a Lizard man who wants revenge against  a senator.  And Christopher Lee has a hologram of a ball.

Trying to shoehorn as much OT iconography and backstories hurts this movie like no other. When Dooku casually checks out  the plans of the Death Star, it assumes somebody asked where the Death Star was designed, and hopes they aren’t disappointed the answer is “some bug guy's planet you ain’t ever heard of ”.

Basically in it’s entire running nothing happens that isn’t set up by the prequel, or meaningful without the OT and just as something threatens to happen it ends. For what happened, tune in to Clone Wars, on Cartoon Network!Or don't. It's cancelled!

Everything is disappointing

The Bar was set pretty low after Episode I became a running joke. You’d think by curtailing the excesses and working on the  script more, the movie could have been at least closer to the originals in spirit.

But that is not the way of the Lucas. Rather than focus on the franchise's strengths, it tries things that where never a part of it such as investigation, and romance. And I would commend the innovation (and continued influence on the Prequels of movies like The Matrix, Crouching Tiger/Hidden Dragon,  and Gladiator) if it had been well weaved into the mold(I lost track of the metaphor, I think). But I don’t think in the future people will look fondly on the scene where Anakin rides the space cow in a montage, or when a kid explains to Obi Wan how someone probably did something on purpose.

And no, no curtailing excesses, here. Throw everything in, boys! Yoda fighting, a giant arena battle with monsters, C3PO in a crazy conveyor belt. This is all in the last half hour of the movie, and I left out stuff!

14 Year old me loved Episode I. 17 year old me felt no hype for Attack. And once it was shown to me, I felt extremely underwhelmed, and I didn’t even have expectations for it. Every other Star Wars film leaves you with something. This one just leaves you.

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The Lost Marvel Episode X: Swamp Ass

The Lost Marvel Episode X: Swamp Ass

Freckles Marvel was a part of Captain Marvel history, and not a once off oddity either: During the height of Captain Marvel's fame, at which point, need  I remind you, he was easily more recognizable than Superman,  she graced several covers. She had a town for her to inhabit,  supporting characters to her, and even a nifty apellation. And seemingly overnight, she banished off the face of the earth, never to be tarted up, or gritted up, or killed off. Just oblivion.

But she won't stay forgotten for long, because, I'm covering all her adventures in my series The Lost Marvel.

Freckles Marvel's hometown of Marveltown (population 2202, formerly Skunktown) is a pretty strange place. Did you know there's a an old hermit in the swampy outskirts of town that everyone is afraid of? Well, aparently there is.

As our story begins, Mary is meeting the Freckles, who is on her way to deliver a basket of goodies to said stranger.

He doesn't do those evil dances, though.

Sadly, the stranger shows himself an angry costumer.

A crabby hermit, indeed.

However, Freckles insists. This is when guns are pulled.

This is the kind of thing I'm afraid might happen to me in America.

Look at that face. It took her a while, but Freck is finally gearing to understand that weapons can kill. Mary blasts her out of there, before things get bloody. You see, kids? Always judge a book by it's cover, all rumors are true, trust no introverts.

"Except the stories about him being a magic user. Those are false."

Their charity night a bust, the girls decide to go see a movie. Except they run into a bank robber along the way. It looks like a job for several goddesses in a bundle and one halfwit teen!

Now she's called Neckbrace Marvel.

While Mary makes sure Freckles still has neck left, the thief gets away. I guess she really didn't hit him hard enough this time.  So they track him to the swamps, where they try again to interact with the hermit. He's again overly hostile.

STOP SAYING HOLEY MOLEY!

Unhelped, they leave and split up to hunt for the criminal.  However the hermit has other plans...

OLD HERMIT USES QUICKSAND! IT'S SUPER EFFECTIVE!

After  Mary gets her out, they again find the Hermit, who claims not to remember having ever tried to  kill Freckles.  Immediately, Mary Marv knows what's up.

GIMME YOR FACE!

Finally, the whole thing is cleared up, and the Hermit turns out to be a nice man.

"Hey, it's either this or listen to Captain Marvel JR prattle endlessly about hating Captain Nazi.

 This one showed us Freckles at her must humane. of her own volition and without imput from no one, she set out to help the towns pariah, and learns a less on about looking beyond the perception of a person.

Is this the  end of the series? It seems that way. I want to thank the heroes at the Digital Comics Museum, who made this series possible.  I made this series to inform you, my dear viewer, and without their selfless acts of scanning, uploading and making the comics available, I myself would have also remained in the dark. This are MOST of the titles listed on Comic Vine. So until I get my hands on more, this is my effort. It cannot be said that nobody brought back Freckles Marvel because they didn't know. And now, having read most of them, it cannot be said no one liked her either.

Will she come back? Hey, everything's possible. And technically...you could do it. I've done my best to inform. The rest...is up to you.

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Everything is in hiatus because New York

Look, I know I'm pretty much shouting into a vacuum and nobody reads this.  But I think I'd at least owe future readers the idea I'd been forthcoming with my audience.

I'm moving to New York to look for work. That means everything I've announced is even more stopped than it sounds. Especially Alpha Danger Squad. Also, some projects I never announced yet I expect you to care about are also in hiatus.

New York. What can I say about it? Well...The farthest I've traveled from Puerto Rico is Vieques Island.

Graphics courtesy of the NSA.

So to me the encircled area is pretty much  the world to me. All I know from New York is what I've seen in movies or read about. So basically it's either gentle Jewish(oh, the word gentle feels so wrong there!You know what I mean!) guys giving Esmeralda Santiago a free copy of Archie Digest, or roaming gangs of minorities waiting to stab someone/ hit someone with a chain. Those must be those famous American Chain Gangs.  Also something about gridlock and something about  angry people. I'm guessing those might independently be true at times but not the norm overall.

Mi'ja, a mi tampoco me gusta Archie, pero tienes que hechar pa lante.

For me the purpose of this sudden shift is to try and establish my own independent economy. I'm not going  there to try and reach "the American Dream." Better people than I have tried that, and frankly I'm not the kind of guy who dreams of maids chauffers and those large pianos. I don't even know ow to play the piano.  I just want to be able to afford my own computer so I can write my stories and make my games unimpeded by the whims of my brother.

Truth be told the situation in my island, economically and socially, is ever worsening. And since I don't have a job, a girl, or too many friends here, I'm exactly the kind of sociopath to move to an entirely different hemisphere.

However, there's a very real possibility NY and I don't gel, and I might just come back crying like a  baby back to my island. He, I don't care about being possitivity, I care about reality. If I don't find a job in 2 weeks, with the same love I'll pack my shit and come back. However, if I find a job, that's 1 more job  than here.

I've always had a contentious relationship with Puerto Rico. But I'd be lying if I said there aren't things and people I liked and I'll miss. But I have to grow, and this pond does not allow me the kind of growth I want.  I'm gonna scout some sea.

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The Lost Marvel Episode IX: Chessbursters

Freckles Marvel was a part of Captain Marvel history, and not a once off oddity either: During the height of Captain Marvel's fame, at which point, need  I remind you, he was easily more recognizable than Superman,  she graced several covers. She had a town for her to inhabit,  supporting characters to her, and even a nifty apellation. And seemingly overnight, she banished off the face of the earth, never to be tarted up, or gritted up, or killed off. Just oblivion.

But she won't stay forgotten for long, because, I'm covering all her adventures in my series The Lost Marvel.

This latest issue begins when Mary Marvel hears a violent agression, and it turns out our own Freckles Marvel is our perpetrator. But why? I bet there was some ragequitting involved!

She also said polkadots are out!

In order to apease her violent impulses, Mary taked FreckMar to the old toy shop so she can polish her basic Chess skills. But some thugs follow them home.

Yeah, let's not just take what we want.

They bound and gag Mary Dudely, and Mary Batson is forced to use her powers. However, they know their tropes well.

Well, she can't do that with her mouth covered, can she?

For the Evols!

Upon hearing they are not the only people to have their chess sets stolen, they go on the factory to look for clues. Instead...they find the actual thieves working there. Naturally, it
's clobbering time.

Mary Marvel is a union breaker.

Turns out it was all a complicated scheme to smuggle expensive jewels! Our heroines then coles out the whole "chess arc".

"The only way we could safely get away with theft was if we robed what we had  stolen! Like gods, we were!

So, as it turns out, Mary Marvel checking on her mate, Freckles  allowed them to enroque in an great adventured. Despite her checkered past and nearly being pawned, FM herself   succesfully somemore chesspuns!


Bonus Round

Uh.., you can't train for chess by yourself, dimwit.

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I Endorse: IAMGAMER'S Game Jam

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Progress looks like  a Saint Valentine's decoration?

  I want to support IAMGAMER's  Gamejam going down this weekend, July 12-14 2013 in Vancouver Canada, which has laid out the challenge: to create a game starring a strong female character. But I must confess the reasons for this are more ego driven  than  anything else. I like female characters. I want more of them, whether they are  bikini barbarians or more conservative ones.  I am not a feminist.  Not as long as I have Netto Strip Fighter IV I am not. I don't know if liking THIS helps me any, though.

And also, the challenge itself, I love it. I am an artist at heart, and as an artist one of my goals is to try and do things that are not as common.Because trying to succeed at creating what already exists merely puts you in equal footing to more experienced creators of what already exists. Regardless of whether you think there is  an issue of representation in videogames (hey, I think so, since a couple of years one the second largest racial group in America had 0% representation in mainstream videogames, even with an incredibly high consumption rate of the things!), I think the future will belong to those who can expand the reach of the medium. We want videogames to be art, right? Well art is best served by a variety of voices and ideas participating.

I don't know that one can create a classic in 48 hours. EA spends more resources than we have trying to create durable, marketable IP. But if things go right the products out of this Jam won't look  and feel like the games EA is doing now, but perhaps the opposite will eventually be partly true true.

I will not be able to directly participate. Too much water between me and Canada. But if things go right I'll participate remotely by making a game over here and documenting the game. But if you can, come on and Jam. And tell 'em the Best Geek Ever sent you!

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The Lost Marvel Episode VII: Beast Wars

Freckles Marvel was a part of Captain Marvel history, and not a once off oddity either: During the height of Captain Marvel's fame, at which point, need  I remind you, he was easily more recognizable than Superman,  she graced several covers. She had a town for her to inhabit,  supporting characters to her, and even a nifty apellation. And seemingly overnight, she banished off the face of the earth, never to be tarted up, or gritted up, or killed off. Just oblivion.

But she won't stay forgotten for long, because, I'm covering all her adventures in my series The Lost Marvel.

...+ryona +Freckles_Marvel +2girls...

That's right. Let it sink in. That's Freckie's appelation: The Teen-Ager of Mischief. Not quite New 52 shit, but good enough. Also let it sink in that Freckles Marvel is getting murdered while a guy laughs. But let's not get ahead of ourselves.

In this story a contrast in approaches is presented. When shown a library, Mary Batson, secretly Mary Marvel, the World's Strongest Girl chooses to enter it and learn something. Mary Dudely, openly Freckles Marvel, the Teen-Ager of Mischief, would rather jump over a tall spiky fence. You know, just to see what would happen. She naturally gets stuck.

A skip, a hop and a Khalo.

Suddenly she spots several shady figures  jumping the fence! She naturally assumes something is amiss, because none of them are Freckles Marvel. She goes on to investigate.

Indeed, a burglary! Immediately changing into her Mary Marvel cosplay changing into her Freckles Marvel costume, she immediately starts busting into the scene and then...

Ugga! That's just a country bumpkin cheerleader!

"My tendency to not diferentiate between animal faces and human faces is my downfall!

The Passion of the Freakin Crist over here.

Humor aside, the character drops out of "delusional superhero mode" and delegates to people with actual superpowers.

I'm sure they'll just stay there like morons!

They track down the beasts and their owner, again, we get a contrast between demigodish immortality and, you know, some crazy girl in a costume.

Man, the WWE's gotten weird.

Freckles Marvel getting choked does not inhibit Mary Marvel's humane side, and she  bribes them with food to distract them.

Is Freckles getting her fingers eaten up, yet?

Fed, the animals lead MM and FM to their owner, who quickly gets some what for from the latter.

Does the sound of two teenagers sound anything like 3 animals? Serious question.

And so our heroines  quip away the story.

Was she supposed to look exasperated?

You know, sidekicks get a lot of grief in the Superhero business, and I can see that Freckles Marvel  would be troubling as part of the Marvel Family as a sidekick of a sidekick. However, as the sidekick of Mary Marvel in her solo comics, you can see there's a lot of uses for a character such as this. This story showed that  Freckles Marvel would not be able to fully beat crimes herself, but her natural dumb luck plays into involving Mary Marvel. This story was pretty fun.

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