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The 6 Other Disney Villains that need their own gritty origin story.

"Okay, you're motivation here is that you're not invited to a party and people have to fuckin' die over it."

This year sees the release of Maleficent, a movie where Disney answers the question nobody asked: How did the evil fairy godmother Carabosse Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty become the evil character we've all come to know? The satanic witch, in a reverse on the recent racebending Hollywood has had going on, will be played by actual satanic witch Angelina Jolie.

"Ask Herbert. I wanted her to be called Marina. Marina Badguy, that's a nice name."

Sure enough, you'd think  this literal fairy tale character doesn't need any character expansion because it's been 55 years since the original and the whole point of it WAS that she was a depthlessly evil character. No, we gotta go out and see her  story so we can truly understand her actions in  Sleeping Beauty. We gotta find out she wasn't making a fashion statement with her horn-wrap, she was just covering her literal horns. We gotta know what kind of stupid fairy parents name their kid Maleficent.

So if we're gonna do this, let's do this, then. Here's some more DIsney characters that  need their origin story told as a way for Disney to continue marketing it's kid's cartoons to  grown adults, taking their nostalgia to the bank IM expand their narrative universe ever more into a rich tapestry.

Jaffar

Do you have one that doesn't talk like Gilbert Gottfried?

When  we first meet Jaffar, he's hypnotized his way to Sultan's Chief Adviser (Are you sure "advisor" is not a word, spell-check?), a position he's not quite satisfied with. Despite being fairly well off, he's desperate enough to seek a magic lamp in a cave clearly designed to turn away potential costumers.

What if he was once a young idealist who wanted to make a better Agrabah, shunned form society due to their fear of sorcery? In the end he caves in and decides that the corrupt monarchy of Agrabah can only be made to help people by being put in a trance.

Naturally there's some bad people who want him dead, but by the end they're all dead, and he's climbed his way up to vizier.  And then the Sultan's wife gives birth to baby Jasmine.  CUT TO CREDITS, OMG!


Fat Cat

Many Men...wish death upon me...

They're making a  Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers CG origin movie, even though I think the origin of the team  got pretty well established in the first episode of the cartoon. But whatever, I'm not gonna get caught dead watching  a Disney movie trying to out 'Munk Alvin and the Chipmunks.

However, what about Fat Cat, one of it's recurrent villains? He was a cat...and also a mobster!  This clearly calls for a movie about  a young kitten growing up in the violent slums and alleyways of Jersey,  coming up in the ranks of the brutal animal crime world. But, uh, in a cute, Disney CGI kind of way.

 Well it's either that, or Nilmnolm. And we all know those movies about wacky scientists have not made Disny any bank.

Helga Sinclaire

For the last time: I do not have a mosquito on my face.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire is one of those Disney movies that  gets lost in amongst discussions of the company's  movies. Existing right in the Decline of Disney's traditional animation features and  alongside the rise of Pixar's CGI, the character's in it certainly aren't getting lumped with The Disney Princess and Disney's Skylanders thing. We've even forgotten than Princess Kida actually IS the first black Disney Princess.

But I like it. I mean, not a whole lot, but it's decent.  The movie's characters are a who's who of  adventure movie tropes and stereotypes, including one Helga Sinclair.

A Femme fatale mercenary, she's equally at home dressing like Lara Croft and  dressing like a Noire film gal,  In the end of the film she get's thrown out of a balloon, and then  the balloon falls on her. Underground. So it'd take some narrative gymnastics to explain her further adventures, unless they take place in hell.

So naturally, we go back and explain that she once was lost in a mystical island and had to learn to be tough and avoid getting raped. Ripoff? Yes. But then, we're already talking about Disney and Atlantis, so...

Dr Anton Sevarious

I can't make this funnier. Look how happy he is to be sticking that grape juice into someone!

I'm surprised Disney hasn't  brought Gargoyles back in any meaningful way. Yeah, there's some comics and stuff. Talk to me when Goliath shows up in Kingdom Hearts.

I say the Gargoyles universe is complex enough to stand a few spinoffs. In a few short seasons they made a world where aliens, sentient Gargoyles, robots, and greek and norse mythology all coexisted.

It's bound to be weird to be a scientist in a world where Pan is real, and maybe a coworker of yours in disguise. But that's where Anton Sevarious lives.

Responsible for several pseudoscience things, including a clone of Goliath and a Mecha loch ness monster, Dr Sevarious clearly has seen some  some shit, and does not  give a shit. A lot of times mad scientists look like disheveled old men, claiming that they'll "SHow them all!"

Not Sevarious. He's down with anything.  Kevin Bacon for the part. The movie should just be about  this crazy ass super scientist who never turns down a challenge, and winds up filling New York with like, tentacle monsters and dinosaurs and shit.

And then he still don't give a shit.

The Stoner Turtle from Finding Nemo.

Dude, let's wasted and tie can wrappers around our necks!

Oh, what was that? The Turtle from finding Nemo was not high on drugs? Well,  what was it, then? What was it?

Clearly, a 60's inspired origin story is the way to go. How that turtle learned how not to be a square and chill out.  He started out a young hatchling, part of a conformist  turtle family, including a turtle dad with a crew cut telling him to go enlist so he can go to Vietnam...'s shore and fight crabs.  But soon, he discovers  Reefer Shore, a place where all the  arthropods  eat, like, nutrients from nature itself, man.

Pretty soon, he's bucking the system, and wearing dreads made out of algae. Come on, doesn't that sound like a better movie than "The continuing adventures of the forgetful fish."?

The Prince from Snow White

Hey, birdie. I claim Prima Nocta all up your cloaca.

As long as we're expanding on 2d carboard cutouts from old Disney movies, what about the nameless Prince from Snow White? The first in a long line of boring male love interests, the Prince just kind of wanders into the movie, being all charming and crap. You could just leave that there.

OR...or...you could Game of Thrones that shit.  Did you know how much murder and rape and slavery  and royal court politics have to happen before Mr Charming can just wander into scene and make out with a comatose woman? Well, now you will! With the new  SHowtime series, "Castle Charming". 

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The Star Wars Expanded Universe just collapsed...

For  the a long time, this may be weird to believe, but Star Wars was sort of scarce. There where no new movies on cinema. There were no new videogames every 13 months. For a long ass time, we didn't know what had happened before  Star Wars: A New Hope (Then just Star Wars) or After Return of the Jedi. There were 3 movies, some dubious  spinoffs and that's it.

Fans where chomping at the bit, and Lucas knew it. Therefore, he sub-licenced many products that dealt with such history.  This stories became known as the Expanded Universe.It existed for fans who wanted to know more about the Star Wars universe, but where never fully official, and always at risk of being contradicted by the movies.

IT'S MY PICTURE, I CAN PAINT WHOEVER I WANT!

This is where Dash Rendar and Mara Jade lived. This is where every random bug in the Cantina scene had a storied purpose. This is where Lightsaber Crystals where built and where  Darth Revan and Darth Malak fought. This is where Sam Witwer helped Darth Vader. ANd now, they don't.

You see, Disney's moving along with the Star Wars movies, and it doesn't feel like playing nice to stories whose canonicity was established by levels, like a hurricane. And therefore, the Expanded Universe just became "Star Wars Legends". Basically, they didn't happen.

Sadly, this didn't, either.

I for one welcome the move. The new Star Wars movies cannot be beholden to  whatever was written a bunch of years ago to  appease rabid fans.  These stories, as good or as stupid as they can be, can't be the base for a new multimillion dollar franchise. Disney is right to say "You want to know what really happened after Jedi? Here's what REALLY happened, in the media format the original movies had. ANd here's our merchandize, based on that."

Star Wars isn't like Gargoyles, where you just know it's never coming back in full, and you continue it in comics. We all knew it was innevitable they make more movies. We want those movies to be good. But we can't expect them to be the official avatars of 3 decades of comics and books.

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5 ways in which Avatar is not like Pocahontas

lol I are teh clevers!

Friends and friends of friends: criticism of the film Avatar is good and true. The 2009 film made the mistake of overpromising and underdelivering, and making 3D a "thing" we've had to "endure"since. We expected more from the director of Terminator 2, True Lies and Titanic.

However, we might be wrong about SOME of it. There has been criticism of the simplest story, saying that it's nothing but Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Ferngully in space. However, I think one of those is inaccurate. In truth, Avatar has more to do with The Last Samurai than it does with Disney's mid 90's Animated film.  Let me explain...

5) One's key character is female, the other one is Avatar

Do not scratch his belly.

Whereas both films present a clashing of societies, colonial exploitation, and the need to conserve resources, one of these is mostly played through the eyes of a native woman. Pocahontas, really is Pocahontas' story, as it begins in her village and shows her struggle with her force marriage and her need to be free and eventually throws John Smith and the settlers in there.

Avatar is the story of Jake Sully, who has a problem with not being able to walk and trying to do a thing his brother was doing, but better(i.e. not dying). Eventually  he enters the lives of Neytiri and the Na'Vi and kinda fucks it all up for them.

This is no mere difference of genders: one of the movies shows an outsider looking in, while the other is about the opposite. 


4) One softyifies the ugly past, the other sticks the ugly past into the future

In Avatar, evil corporation wants to evict a peace loving (but somewhat violent and reclusive) group of NaVi from their group so they can fully destroy their hometree and dig under for future-gold(because what the Unobtanium actually does is unimportant, it might as well just BE gold). At first this large, catlike beings can only cry in terror, but after  bringing aparently every Navi in the whole of Pandora,  they turn away the invaders.

Pocahontas has a less dark view of colonialism. The invading forces are mostly aloof, and do not even understand how to find what they are looking for. Roughly one of them is absolutely evil, and the rest is just a series of hilarious misunderstandings that can be surpassed if we just understand each other.

Racism is what gay, ugly, fat people do.

If the movies could be songs, Pocahontas would be You gotta care, and  Avatar would be Guerrilla Radio.


3) Avatar does not fear the War
The Climax of Pocahontas is preluded by a song called Savages, which exposits that natives and settlers disagree about each other, but agree that the matter will be settled effectively by braining the opposing group. Pocahontas races barefoot to  stop her father from executing the shit out of John Smith, and thus save both groups from a bloody conflict.

The Climax of Avatar features Jake Sully and his human friends aligning with the  Natives to essentially betray their own kind. Michelle Rodriguez dies, but I guess deep down, we knew it was gonna happen. Maybe they'll clone her here, too.

See,  violent conflict is a problem in both movies, but a solution in only one of them. Luckily those natives learned to trust the English settlers and everything went hunky dory for them!


2)The Romance is not as obvious in Avatar

"I'm afraid if I sleep here, your grandma will give me morning wood."

Both films feature starcrossed lovers from different, conflicted factions. Albeit only one of them has the outsider disguised as a native. However, the nature of the romance itself is different.

Pocahontas, perhaps because it is more geared toward the female audience, follows the legend of the Native American girl who fell in love with this foreigner, and was willing to die for him. For her, it is no mere matter of principle because there are feelings involved(also, her settlers are actually benign and the whole thing is a series of misunderstandings)

Avatar does have a romance, but it is not a movie about a romance. Jake Sully is shown the point of view of  the group, because he is pretending to be one of them until he stops pretending.

1) There is no assimilation in Pocahontas

So not only are we getting furry fetish, but foot fetish as well?

In the end of Avatar, Jake Sully has become one with the Na'Vi, and his doctor friend has litterally become one with the earth(or was it the other way? I haven't watched it lately).

On the other end of the spectrum, in Pocahontas the settlers leave(which makes them BAD settlers) despite being in the graces of the natives. John Smith leaves, too, even though he is clearly in love with the girl, making this whole damn thing a waste of time that cost a bunch of money and one life (but don't worry, he was kind of a jerk!).

In the other cited examples, the outsider with a heart of gold becomes one of the group, or doesn't do so because of tragic reasons(see, The Last Samurai). Because in the end, John Smith wasn't interested in the Colors of the Wind or becoming a Native American. In fact, he never even TRIES. All he cares is poking dat hunt ass his love for Pocahontas. But not enough to stay there.

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Narnia vs Riddick....GO!

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5 games that deserve HD remakes

AAAAH! CHEMTRAIL!

Recently I talked about the reaction that Sonic 2 HD remake some fans are making.  Personally, I think we may have had enough re-releases of Sonic 2 that I think a new one is unwarranted. 

But the fact is, graphic remakes aren't just the domain of fans with too much time in their hands. From Super Mario All Stars to Street Fighter Long name HD, it's not a new thing to take what we once new and resell it to us with shiny new visuals. It has picked up recently, thanks to digital sale of old games and how much piracy has made that unnecessary.

I think, though, there's some underrated gems that need to be redone in HD, if only for people to experience the joys they bring. Here's the list

Moon Patrol

Get a room, you two!

Moon Patrol is one of those games from the days Atari ruled the world and Arcades existed. In it, you, the player, controlled a futuristic  space vehicle around earth's least spyfull sattelite as you use your ships weapons, capable of firing forward and upwards, but never diagonally, in it's fight against, alien ships and rocks.

The graphical upgrades surely wouldn't be all that hard to do, but the theme ..that's where the awesomeness should be found.

Toki Denshou: Angel Eyes

It's the war of Arack, and I hope there's no exit strategy.

Before Tecmo and Tomonobu Itagaki found the perfect blend of Fighting and Boobs, with DOA, Tecmo released in Arcade and in Playstation 1 a game Featuring an all girl cast and beautiful 2d graphics. The game's characters are strange, from red headed westerner Mysterious Power and jumpsuit clad Highway Star to a Ninja Maid.

Sadly, the game languishes in obscurity, even though you may be able to download it from the PSN store. So many people are missing the game ingenious auto homing dash button and Mysterious Power's hilarious Engrish...

The game's one flaw, though, is it's blend of Prerendered CG models with the game's gorgeous anime style  hand drawn sprites. I guess the Devs felt 2D was going out of favor, and the game wouldn't sell, but the blend of 2d and 2d that used to be 3d does not work. I suggest redoing the prerendered models into full 3d ones. It'll still look awefull as hell combined with HD remade Sprites, but it'll look Better-awefull!

Mischief Makers

Marina and Prof Theo, offering their thoughts on full 3d movement.

Mischief Makers is a gem. One of Treasure's, well, treasures during the N64s early years, the game follows oddly names android Marina as she rescues her creator time and time again.

What this game did with the resources of it's time. Instead of going buckling down and going 3d like so many games where doing, Treasure instead created one of the most visually striking games since the last time they where at it. Not to mention the gameplay was fantastic. One stage you where hitching a ride on a missile, the other you wher ehitting a giant monster in the face with his own fist.

However, it's startign to show it's age. You can see the edges around th e prerendered elements. Rerender the prerendered and bring back the Beastector!

Disney's Aladdin

Wow.  What's the genie smiling about?

Disney's Aladdin was a cinema smash it. As such, Disney Partnered with Capcom to create a game based on the movie. Take note, younger readers: Usually Licenced games are bad, and this is true since the dawn of pixels; but everytime Disney and Capcom got together they kicked everyone's ass.

And you had to climb inside, too.  So it's true, then?

The old Aladdin game loosely retold the film's plot through platforming. And sure, the graphics looked nice. But we could make it go full quality Disney animation graphics.

Bad Dudes

Eerily similar dudes defend America's policy regarding Ninjas!

 Bad Dudes is a fairly unremarkable  beat-em-up that has in the last decade ascended to fame-infamy over 3 thing: It's ridiculous plot involving Ninjas and the US President, The way  measures street cred by capacity to rescue said President from Ninjas, the President's pitiful reward to two supermen who took out of their free time to rescue him and how which president it was depended on who was the actual president.

Real subtle, there, Dragoninja.

But the graphics of the game? Not that good. Beat em ups have looked a lot better since. An HD Remake of the game would be awesome. Plus, I heard there's a new President in town.

A Burger? Is that where my Taxes are going?

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