Monday, August 3, 2009

5 worst game character names.

Yeah? If that's your name, what are the other two?

In this day and age, names are very important. A catchy enough name can catapult a character and turn him/her into an icon, regardless of skill or other abilities. Videogames in particular have a proud history of colorful names. From Pacman to Mega/Rockman Lara Croft, the deciders of these names have had to live on with the choices they made.

But for every character with a name that is forever synonymous with games, there are a whole bunch of sad guys who get silly, silly names.The name you either can't pronounce, or just don't want to. I'm making a list about them. I'm not including characters that had no chance outside of the name. Awesome Possum could have been called Rock Strongo, and he'd still be terrible.

No, I'm going for the mostly cool character's who where otherwise given horrible, horrible names.

Thug life?
5)Sol Badguy(Guilty Gear)

Okay, Guilty Gear is den of scum and villany(in names). Trying to put some musical refferences in there has lad to names like Ky Kyske, I-No(Ay, no!) and Jam Kuradoberry. Ugh! But out of all those, I choose Sol Badguy.

Sol is a 400 hundred year old badass with a mysterious past who fights with a sword and flame attacks. I guess Sol, name for our star, is not entirely pompous for him. It's the last part that irks me. Badguy? And it's his last name? That means that there must have been a Mr Badguy and a Mrs Badguy as well.

Not pictured: Herbert Badguy and Helena Bonham Badguy
It's the mix of pretentious and gen x that earns Sol a spot. It's like having a guy called Moriarity Dudestorm. Sol is actually pretty normal. You know, by Guilty Year standards. He's not even that much of a bad guy!

4)Marina Lightyears(Mischief Makers)

This lesser known N64 game by Treasure features a protagonist who's main methods of attacking is grabbing stuff and throwing it at folks, or grabbing stuff and shaking it. If only someone had grabbed and shaken whoever named the girl.

Marina is a robot. So, in fact, her full name is Marina Lightyears-Intergalactic Cybot G. Let's break that down:

By shaking it and throwing it?

Marina: Because her green hair and white clothes remind you of the sea? No, she has something in common with the sea allright: both have no feet.

Liteyears: Yes, because Buzz Lightyear's name needs some plurals up in this bitch!

Intergalactic: At no point is she seen traveling beyond galaxies of her own will. She can dash a little. Does that count?

Cybot: What is a cybot? A cyborg is a human with robo parts, and a robot is.. well a mchanical automaton. Is sh a mix between the two?

G:It's a model, of course! Model's A-F where killed and rapd by their own creator. Stooooop!
Sexual Harassment is funny!

For god's sake, girl, stop touching them!

3)Mission Vao(Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic)
Star Wars has never been a place for middle ground names. Either you're Han Solo, or you're Greedo. Kotor is faithfull to the franchise even in that.

Mission Vao is a young street urchin with a lot of spunk and a can do attitude. She also happen's to be blue and have tails on her head.

Either way, Mission happens to join you on your mission to defeat the Sith empire. Along the way, Mission has her own mission: To find her Brother.She talks about it during her intermissions. He also has troubles with team paranoid Carth Onasi, because of his intromission's on her life.

Mission is a terrible name.
"Very funny, guys. Let's get on with the mission. D'OH!"

So, an insane Asian dictator, a Black Boxer and a Matador walk into a bar...

2) Vega, Balrog and M. Bison(Street Fighter)
You probably know this, but if you don't follow closely:

The character's M. Bison, Balrog and Vega are differently named in Japan. The brutal dictator was known as Vega, the Spaniard was Balrog, and the boxer was M. Bison. M. Bison was a loving sendoff to Mike Tyson, but fears of a lawsuit(or a terrible beating) made Capcom's American base rename the character. So they, instead of making a new name, switched the names of the new bosses. And in either side of the pond, something is always wrong.

Take Japan. Sure, M Bison is kinda clever and also powerfull for a Boxer. But why is a spaniard named for a fierce creature in Lord of the Rings that was a)gigantic and b) wilding a whip!? Seriously, where'd they get that for a thin and agile clawd matador? And Vega for a (at least originally, but SF 4 made him MORE )Asian dictator? Did they put a bunch of names in a bowl?
Hey Lopez, quit wasting time on the phone!

In America they tried to fix it by making the Hispanic guy Vega and the big black guy Balrog(yah, he's a total Tolkien buff. When he's not busy killing in the ring). But that leaves us with a Dictator who may be named Mike Bison. That's not a dictator name, unless you rule southern rural America with an iron fist.
Face the mighty Michael!
Is there something here that other Kombatants don't have?
1)Reiko(Mortal Kombat 4/Armageddon)
Oh, Reiko: The pallete swap ninja that time forgot. He may very well be the most formulaic and generic fighter the franchise has ever had. Just the sight of him can put any Mortal Kombat fan to snooze, when they're done theorizing whether he's the big bad or not.

It's like finding out Darth Vader was Steven Guttenberg all along.

In fact, do a google image search. Just Reiko, don't add Mortal Kombat. I'll wait.

Notice a trend? Reiko is the only male character to appear on the search. All the others are females. That's because Reiko is a Girl's name!

I had no reason to believe Midway(now WB games?) could flunk a name on this level. They never had! Most of the names up to 4 where cool sounding. Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Kabal...all deliberate, badass names.And they mostly seemed to know their Asia folklore. Then they put Reiko in there.

As if he needed anything more to be a joke character.

Finish HER!


  1. Sol Badguy was a bad choice for this list. It's not even his real name, which happens to be Frederick. Ishiwatari (I believe that's correct) loves the music from Queen, and derived Badguy from one of their songs. Supposedly Frederick changed his name to Sol after being genetically modified into a prototype gear. So there is no Mr and Mrs Badguy.

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