Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Apocalypse Watch: 5 fictional Characters that could be the Antichrist.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am back! Rumors of my death where sadly nonexistent. Truth is I kind of don’t have Internet anymore. Couldn’t pay it . But that’s not your fault. Unless you didn’t click on my ads. In which case, fuck you it’s your fault.

But seriously, anyone else watch the whole Armageddon week on History Channel? I know I tried. I mean, I MOSTLY don’t think the world ends in my generation, but there’s something stirring and entertaining about the thought. And If Armageddon is approaching, how will the dystopia be? Like Blade Runner? Like Terminator Salvation? Like Cyborg?

The Van Damme Crucifix is slow to gain adherents.

For a Christian man(wait, don’t run away! I have pamphlets!) like me, though, it’s far more entertaining guessing who the book of Revelation is trying to hint at. And the top guess pick is, of course, the Antichrist, A.K.A. the Beast, A.K.A Bizarro Jesus.

Revelation say's Spawnbob Hellpant's will be a person with great Charismatic Sway, who would refuse the love of women, who would unite the world's kingdom's under his own self. Then after a make believe peace he would start opressing people, making war, claiming to be God, and, although not in the bible, probably kicking puppies and yelling obscenities over a game of Halo 3. Quite frankly, I believe that if such a prophesy is correct, we would most likely NOT know who the guy is, because that's the point!

No, I don't need any help looking at DVD cases at Walmart, MR Anita Christ. Go Away.

But which characters in our favorite fictions could secretly be the one who will bring the end of days? I mean, in real life people tend to pick flavors of the week, and people that they don’t like, or just choices so darn “obvious” it would be a bad disguise for Satan JR to have. But in Fiction, we have the luxury of looking at a few characters and objectively choose. Find out my top picks after this messages!

5) Wolverine

How can this be?

Who among the Marvel Universe is more likely to be described as “Th Beast” than Wolverine? Well, other than Beast…or DARK Beast.

 This is what happens when Marvel applies for creative bankruptcy.

And the Bible says "And I saw one of his [the beast's] heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast." (Rev. 13:3). That's Wolvie in a nutshell allright.

Yeah, yeah, Wolverine is winning this fight easy.

Then again…

Nobody is shocked anymore when you throw Wolverine in a Woodchipper and he’s back later that day, complaining about his hair. And the Good Book says the Antichrist would be charismatic, and would wow people into following him. Wolverine is not a group leader. Brett Ratner's vision be damned.

Plus, it says the Antichrist would reject the love of Women. That’s not what Wolverine does. EVER.

4) Aquaman

He's got hoes in different area codes!
How can this be?

Frankly, most of the Beasts from Revelation are shown to be coming from the Water. You’d think if anyone could catch them before they wreak havoc, it would be Aquaman. But what if he IS one of the Beasts?

He KNOWS who farted.

Aquaman is a King. He could easily bring the whole world together under him with a little help from his friends, the Great Harlot and the False prophet. Plus who would ever suspect Aquaman of being the Antichrist?

Then again…

Let’s face facts: Aquaman’s legendary reputation as a huge sea pussy precedes him, even in the comics world he inhabits. Nobody would follow Aquaman as leader of anything up here in oxygen-land. And nobody will take it seriously when he makes great wonders because  one of his enemies is called “ The Fisherman”.

I'm still not sure if this is proof against it or for it.

3) Godzilla
No, it does NOT make you look fat.

How can this be?

Hell, he IS a huge beast that comes out the sea and causes pestilence, war, famine, and death, while often coming out looking like a hero. Godzilla’s very name is probably an affront to our God, and him fighting Sword in the mouth Jesus is probably the most metal thing ever.

Then again…

Again, limited Charisma and political skills. And Godzilla would never announce himself God and put himself in the Temple Mount: just smash it while the Mousad do what Japan has failed at for years: Killing themselves a giant lizard.

2) Homer Simpson

How can this be?

I see Homer as sort of the contrary of what Christ was and did but in a good way: Where Christ tells you more or less what it is you should do to live a good spiritual life, Homer Simpson tends to say and do exactly the things that lead him to tribulations, which in essence teaches in itself how bad these choices are.

About more to the point, Homer is a character that has for years acted incredibly criminally, negligent to the extreme, and who by most accounts should be dead or in jail several(more) times. Is the devil protecting Homer that one day he may fulfill the prophecy? And he’s already been a political figure, a religious figure, and made deals with Satan.


Then again…

If Homer is truly the Antichrist, then no wonder The omnipotent God would allow this. He’d be BOUND to screw it up, somehow. He’s Homer, it’s what he does.

1)Princess Leia

How can this be?

So, the evil Galactic Empire has just been defeated in a very...unlikely turn of events. Now the time comes to unite the people of the galaxy. But who will rise to the challenge? I know who: Princess Leia Organa a powerful and Charismatic leader, daughter of an evil Sith who has just learned  of this, and that she has access to the arcane magicks of the Force.

THINK ABOUT IT! This is the same force that lead Evil Emperor  Palpatine to power, and that caused Anakin Skywalker's unnatural birth. The whole thing is suspect! And at this point, most people who could oppose Leia are either dead or Leia's friends. Who's gonna oppose evil Leia, Dash Rendar?

No, Leia will rise to power, and quickly establish herself by bringing the wonder's of the Force into the mainstream. And one day she'll just decide everyone should kneel to her and shit will get serious.

Then again…

I'm thinking the events in Star Wars probably happened in pre-biblical times.Which means the bible can't prophetisize them. Or can It?...

I'm calling this as the plot to Star Wars Episode IX:Satan's Revenge!