Monday, February 28, 2011

A Devil May Cry movie is coming: How bad will it be?

No, devil, No cry. You got no devil no cry....
It's time to once again play "How Bad will it be!?"
It's an adaptation to an action game with shooting, so with enough budget... could wind up better than KOF.

Brought to us by Screen Gems of Resident Evil fame. Those where mostly mediocre...
They took it and made it their own. Read:raped it.

And unproven writer. Just like Legend of Chun Li?...
Because there weren't any Street Fighter characters to put there.

A white haired half devil hero that is a witty badass fighting demons. How creatively can they destroy that?
Make another guy the hero.

Prospects are low. Set expectations to crap. I give it 20% chance of achieving mediocrity.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 7

If  a site that features furries and futa says my anatomy is bad, it hurts me personally.
The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, I reference Song of Songs.

A Hawker is a kind of dragonfly....bitch.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Leaked in Early Secrets: Willll always love EeYouuuuuuu!

Greetings. L.I.E.S. is back. Hide the kids and hold the wife.

Or I could hold her. I don't mind.

Hot on the trail of some hot scoops, I ended up in an Ice cream shop, just south of Little Nepal, when who do I happen to overhear? Jeremiah Friedman and Nick Palmer talking with Mark Bauch about their upcoming Bodyguard reboot.

And let me tell you, Hollywood is going after the full package with the remake.When the film you're remaking is 19 years old and most of it's cast crew and stars are alive(if you call being Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston alive. I don't), you really need to pull of some creativeness. Casting, marketing,  home-version director's commentary gushing about how great and iconic the original movie was: It's all being preplanned as we speak.

First off they are casting out of the best of young Hollywood. Sam Worthington is being considered for Kevin Costner's old role, as his trademark low energy, "working on a weekend" delivery will be required for the lead.
What i'm yr Budgrd.

As for Whitney Houston's character, Fergie is the top choice, with many execs seeing her role in Poseidon as key to that remake's success. One exec told me after seeing her there he knew she was someone you want to send hitmen after. Plus, her womb is already preparing a remake of the movie's iconic song. Through the grapevine I heard it would "severely abuse autotune" and "include a painful rap by  Pitbull."
She's laughing because you'll never see her totally average breasts.

And speaking of dogs, the script smells ass is fiercely loyal to the original. It is of course, updated for modern audiences. It is still the story of a Bodyguard and a Singer who fall in love. But this time the killer is a furious internet pirate who is angered at the latest copy protection engineered by Fergie, and decides to kill her. He does this by employing a street gang dressing them as old timey buccaneers to try and do the deed.
Kids like Pirates. Fact.

But Fergie's character is way better than Houston's because she's ultra mega hyper independent and resilient. There's a scene in there where they put a bomb under her chair, Valkyrie style, but she totally survives and says her vagina absorbed most of the blast because she is woman! Then she kicked a dude in the nether regions.

Worthington, though is on a whole 'nother level. He's a bodyguard who has to bodyguard to protect her daughter from his job, but he doesn't know she's already joined the murder pirates. In the film's climax, that takes place in a burnin, sinking pirate ship in Las Vegas, he's torn to choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he loves.

If this sounds like ramblings from a guy who never saw the whole movie, that's because it is you're jaded. If you can't trust Hollywood to remake succesfully a movie who's biggest claim to fame is a song that was attached to it, then I don't know what to say except watch out for the Quest for Camelot remake!

And so L.I.E.S. comes to a close for now.  And remember, If you can't trust some guy with access to the internet ,who CAN you trust? Me that's who.

M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 6

Follow them to the world you seek.

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, flies don't enter closed mouths.

No, YOU learn to paint backgrounds. EEEYOU LEARN TO PAINT THEM BACKGROUNDS!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's evolution, baby!

Heeey, Lara Croft came of all blocky? Sorry to misrepresent her original PS1 image...

I wanted to do a parody of the evolution of man chart, but with game characters, until I hit a roadblock. I don't know who this generations breakaway character is.
Where I put the question mark above, I meant it. So, you guys tell me...

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 5

Follow them to the world you seek.

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, they ain't gettin' no respect...

Bad backgrounds! Whatchu gun, whutchugun, whutchagonna do? Wein de sheriff Jon Brown cum fer you!

Diary of a Truancy Inspector #2

 I found this written in  ketchup in my  roof this morning. It's from my conspiracy minded pen pal, Truancy Inspector.

 I  did not take it well, that you posted my letter to you. Not because I didn't meant for it to be publicized. I will  chew anyone's ear off, except if the meat is sheeple.

No, I took offense to the font used. It doesn't have the heart magazine cut out letters do. We need to save the print magazine industry. From Satan.

I need to be dramatic. People don't pay attention to what is really going on. Political upheaval in the middle east? Oil running out? A sports awards show in Cartoon Network? All distractions from the encroaching Ragnarok that will come in the form of Ghostbusters 3.
Look at the Masonic Symbols  to the left and right of smoking...

You may have heard it. It's on. It's off. It's on. It takes place in hell.The ghost of Bill Murray is in it.It's off again. And now they are saying Ashton Kutcher, the star of Butterfly Effect and Open Season, will play a role in it.

There is a perfectly reasonable explanation, and like all reasonable explanations, it involves time travel.
It seems someone from a future where Ghostbusters 3 didn't happen traveled back to our time to ensure it did happen. The timeline was altered. The movie will happen. Thus creating a new timeline where Ghostbusters 3 exists and it's utter awefullness ignite riots that destroy civilization in most of the world. Small pockets of intelligence survive, and manage (with the help of an older version of our time traveler) to create a time machine so that the first time traveler can be stopped.

We are witnessing that battle, and the very fate of humanity hangs in the balance! Every time the movie is off, it's because a time traveler snuck into Bill Murray's house and stole the script, putting in it's place the script for  Yogi Bear. Every time it's on, it's because another time traveler put the script back in Murray's coffee table

As for Kutcher, he's an agent for the  movie-stopping secret agent. His whole career has been a setup or it.
How else are you gonna explain a filmography this bad?

Monday, February 21, 2011

If you're worried about the guy who played Superman not looking the part...

Take comfort

Missing some guys, too.

M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 4

This cover is 70% symbolic.

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page,they lay down the law...

Saturday, February 19, 2011

M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 3

This cover is 70% symbolic.

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, they share a look...

It's so dark and purple out tonight...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Scolding Reviews-Daybreakers

Hey, you break it, you buy it!

Vampires are everywhere. Your movies, your books, your T.V. It's hard to offer up something new when a subject is already centuries old.

But sometimes new isn't necessarily good. Sometimes, if a concept cannot be executed with quality, t'is better to leave it alone. But I know how it works. Studios see Twilight making money and they think the public craves vampires. Which is how this movie starts.

When the movie starts, we see a girl scribble a few notes about how she can't age and change, and she goes out to see the sunset. Her eyes grow yellow, as we realize she is a vampire. Also, the sun makes her burst into flames.
I've seen burnier. I used to work in a  tourist destination...

What follows is exposition in narrated form. Apparently there was a war between Vampires and Regular humans, and we lost it. We should have been working on them whipping skills. As such, they made a deal with us that they would turn whoever wanted to live forever into a vampire, and use everyone else as food, completely ripping off the Animatrix. Apparently most people agreed to go 'pire.

Seriously, how can we lose against vampires? They are vulnerable when we are awake, and Italian food kills them. Seriously, a few Patriot Missiles to Castle Dracula and he's ashes.

Not you too, Uncle Sam!

Society has reformed around the immortal Nosferatu. The go to work, use underground tunnels to commute during the day, and have to buy blood. Oh, yeah, if they don't drink blood they become mindless monsters.
So, vampirism is a real hassle, basically.

If vampire society sounds completely unremarkable and indistinguishable from ours, it's because it is. Not only are this vampires deprived from vampire powers such as morphing into bats, super speed, and awesome theatrics, but asides from having fangs and creepy eyes they are just average people. How did we lose to these guys again?

So we meet our hero, renowned hematologist...guy from Sugar Ray?         

Well, I thought they looked alike, anyway.

Our good doctor is being pushed to produce a substitute for human blood by his boss, because it seems there isn't enough supply for the whole world. Farm humans are kept in large, Matrix knockoff farms where blood is drawn from them.In short, they are running out of humans and need something else.
Hey, for immortals, we sure are shortsighted...

Well, good fucking job, vampires. The one resource you need to keep being a cool immortal and you don't know how to make more. Here's a hint, fangboys. It starts at the genitals.

If you wanted human farms that keeps on delivering, keep the humees in a nice enclosed jail farm, give them some food, wine and privacy and watch the magic happen. It's how planet earth got overpopulated. You guys used to be human, you should know this.

But our hero has a soft spot for the normals, as his brother nags him for being such a pussy about drinking human blood. They get in a fight at his apartment and spill a bottle of plasma that attracts a full gone vampire who wandered in .
I blame Onision.

So this crazed, beast like vampire is licking the spilled blood, and all they have to do is call 911( you guys know how to count, right?) and leave it alone, but instead they decide they should fight him. All he wanted was the blood, no need to risk it. But they bother it and it attacks them and they have a fight scene.  They kill the hell out of the hobo-pire by stabbing him and cutting off his head.

A distraught Dr Sugar Ray drives away, trying to clear his head, when he has a car crash! He tries to trade vampire insurance with the people on the other car but he can't. Because they're humans.

Yes, apparently some humans remain  "in the wild". Hiding and traveling during the day, this "Daybreakers" are not only the last vestiges of non-vampiredom, going around with crossbows hoping to find a cure for vampirism. Naturally they shoot Dr Sugar Ray in the arm, and he helps them.

Later, after talking more to his boss about how much they need a substitute, but how it can't really ever be better than the sweet, creamy taste of human blood that their clients love, the Daybreakers, lead by IMPLIED ROMANTIC INTEREST D-44, break into his house and ask him for help.
He's the bad guy ;)

He agrees to meet the humans' leader, played by Willem Dafoe who claims he used to be a vampire, and he got cured, and that Dr Bartender can help figure out what the cure is. But soon his brother catches up with him and brings the vampire police to help catch the stray humans. This leads to a chase sequence. With an improbable escape.

As they arrive at the human's place Willem Dafoe describes how he was cured. He was driving around in a modded vampire care (because the sun, as expected, burns the hell out of them) looking at his hands, when  he crashed, flew out the window, engulfed in flames, and fell into a river. And he wants the Doctor to repeat the experiment.
He saw his car crashing potential

Waitaminit? What's the deal with this vampires? It's time for a little game of...

This vampires could be biological beings. Maybe in a stupid way, like  in Ultraviolet.

On the other hand, they could be the undead. They burst in flames at the sunlight and do not age.

Or they could be  living beings. They don't have  any special powers or metaphysical abilities.

Or they could be demons, possessed by dark forces that require blood and slaughter. They don't show in mirrors.

Or they could be biological, because outside of a craving for blood to the point of berserker fits and mutation, they don't seem naturally driven to perversity.

So which is it? The movie doesn't know and won't tell. Thanks for playing!

Meanwhile, Things in vampire land are not so hot. humans are running out even more, and  our hero's boss, tries to get his brother  to turn on him...even morerere.

We also get to know that the young woman at the start of the movie is the Boss' daughter and that she also became human by way of immolation. She's now with a group that quickly gets captured by Vampire forces. Then she's turned into a vampire. Then they run out of humans(!) so without blood, she goes feral. So they haul her and many other ferals into the sun.
Yeah, two deaths in a movie and never met the protagonists. This was very important.

The Doctor, Willem Dafoe and  IRID-44 discover that it is in fact water that somehow turns the vampires combustive reaction to the sun into an undo by testing on himself. He tries to ask his vampire scientist friend to help, but he turns on him.Then IRID-44 gets captured and taken to the Bosses' base.
And it happens because they let him have a private phone call.  Idiots.

Willem Dafoe and Dr Mark McGrath make their way to the bosses building, but his brother is waiting.  They get in a standoff and eventually his brother bites the hell out of Willem Dafoe...then begins to writhe in pain. Anyone with half a brain understands what is happening.

Eventually the Doctor gives himself up and goes to the bosses office where IRID-44 is being held and starts trying to tick him off, even reminding him of his daughter. The boss bites him and then becomes human. Biting an un-vampired aparently does that.

I don't know.

It's a remarkable turn of events. They could unvampire everyone now that they have the boss of the blood store and four unvampires. Or they could tie the boss to the elevator and kill him for being a jerk.''

I mean, it's just saving the world from vampires! Let me get a little pointless vengeance first.

So a bunch of vampires rip him to shreds in a show of strenght not seen so far in the movie. Dafoe and Sugar Ray's brother come to help IRID-44 and the Doctor, but run into more Vampire Swat guys, who swarm the brother in a feeding frenzy, the guards that bite him become human, but are inmediately attacked by the others. It's kindo of logical, but also kind of lame.
This is Bush's fault somehow.

Eventually, only 3 of the Swat guys are alive, only to be shot by the scientist's friend. He kinda doesn't have any reason to, and he should  at least be frenzied himself, but whatever. He is killed, our heroes drive into the sunset, the end.

I must say this movie is bland, bland bland. The premise of a world where vampires rule sounded interesting, but it's just boring because it's pretty much our world. Going to work isn't more interesting because it's vampires going to work. If there was a message, it was very confused about what it was.  Compared to KOF, though, It is at least nice to look at.