Thursday, February 24, 2011

Leaked in Early Secrets: Willll always love EeYouuuuuuu!

Greetings. L.I.E.S. is back. Hide the kids and hold the wife.

Or I could hold her. I don't mind.

Hot on the trail of some hot scoops, I ended up in an Ice cream shop, just south of Little Nepal, when who do I happen to overhear? Jeremiah Friedman and Nick Palmer talking with Mark Bauch about their upcoming Bodyguard reboot.

And let me tell you, Hollywood is going after the full package with the remake.When the film you're remaking is 19 years old and most of it's cast crew and stars are alive(if you call being Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston alive. I don't), you really need to pull of some creativeness. Casting, marketing,  home-version director's commentary gushing about how great and iconic the original movie was: It's all being preplanned as we speak.

First off they are casting out of the best of young Hollywood. Sam Worthington is being considered for Kevin Costner's old role, as his trademark low energy, "working on a weekend" delivery will be required for the lead.
What i'm yr Budgrd.

As for Whitney Houston's character, Fergie is the top choice, with many execs seeing her role in Poseidon as key to that remake's success. One exec told me after seeing her there he knew she was someone you want to send hitmen after. Plus, her womb is already preparing a remake of the movie's iconic song. Through the grapevine I heard it would "severely abuse autotune" and "include a painful rap by  Pitbull."
She's laughing because you'll never see her totally average breasts.

And speaking of dogs, the script smells ass is fiercely loyal to the original. It is of course, updated for modern audiences. It is still the story of a Bodyguard and a Singer who fall in love. But this time the killer is a furious internet pirate who is angered at the latest copy protection engineered by Fergie, and decides to kill her. He does this by employing a street gang dressing them as old timey buccaneers to try and do the deed.
Kids like Pirates. Fact.

But Fergie's character is way better than Houston's because she's ultra mega hyper independent and resilient. There's a scene in there where they put a bomb under her chair, Valkyrie style, but she totally survives and says her vagina absorbed most of the blast because she is woman! Then she kicked a dude in the nether regions.

Worthington, though is on a whole 'nother level. He's a bodyguard who has to bodyguard to protect her daughter from his job, but he doesn't know she's already joined the murder pirates. In the film's climax, that takes place in a burnin, sinking pirate ship in Las Vegas, he's torn to choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he loves.

If this sounds like ramblings from a guy who never saw the whole movie, that's because it is you're jaded. If you can't trust Hollywood to remake succesfully a movie who's biggest claim to fame is a song that was attached to it, then I don't know what to say except watch out for the Quest for Camelot remake!

And so L.I.E.S. comes to a close for now.  And remember, If you can't trust some guy with access to the internet ,who CAN you trust? Me that's who.


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