Leaked in Early Secrets: The Plot to Kill Trump.

You are too beautiful for this ungrateful world, completely bereft of grates.

Hey, paisanos! It's your friendly neighborhood Batzarro, here to bring you  another installment of Leaked In Early Secrets, or L.I.E.S. for short.

Now, usually I'll talk about some upcoming game or movie or something of pop culture ephemera, but I can't. See, lately things have been feeling different. I'm full of energy, I'm happy, and things are looking up. And it's because Donald Trump won.

Yes, Donald Justin Trump has made America Great again, in ways that are very tangible. It's everywhere, from  the enormous crowds in his inaugural to the way the stocks have gone up, to the smile in a little girls face when you tell her  about a giant Wall in the desert, Donald Trump is like if God was a candidate for President, but more powerful than God. And I've posted again and again  and again about how fabulous he is and how beautiful he is!

 Don't listen to the haters, Donald! Our love will triumph over them!

But I worry about him. Which is why I moved my connections to see what sort of things I could find to help Make America Great Again. And what my contact, whom we'll call "Real Icecream" unncovered is shocking. Real Icecream, lot's of people are saying that they want to kill Donald Trump.  We met outside of a baseball park in Washington. As he complained about the lack of vanilla flavor, something Donald Trump is sure to fix, he explained to me exactly what he knew.

This plot comes from an unlikely place: The White House. You see, Republicans are already weighting in if Donald Trump is crazy and should be impeached for it. Which is what happens when you are a master strategist like him, full of love and power, beautiful and deadly. However, "Real Icecream" described to me a conversation he heard in the White House while Donald Trump was watching TV. All names have been redacted, because I'm too young to have a lawsuit in my hands, and I don't want to be killed by them either.  quote in yellow. Sue/kill my mysterious, unnamed, potentially unexistant source, not me!

Guy1: Congress is asking what the fuck is going on up here. They're asking what's wrong with POTUS.

Guy2: Look, honestly I thought it's be easier. I mean the dude believes in (Redacted Website), and If somebody should know how bullshit it is, it's me, cuz I used to run it.

Guy1: Well, we're gonna have to start weighting in if he's become a liability. He's very unpopular, we had more secret Service than people at the inaugural  and if he goes down without us taking him down, he'll drag us down.

Girl1: So what do we do? What are you gonna do, Guy1, electrocute him until he converts...into a dead man?

Guy1: Well, let's think about this: He's old, he's in visibly a very bad shape, you can make it look like natural causes...

Girl1: What do you mean, bad shape...

Guy2:  He's fat, he's balding, he don't look very manly at all. I mean, look at you, (Guy1) you don't look like you'll drop dead any time. Got the whole silver hair going on...

Girl1: He's gushing, aaaw! You'll make (redacted) jealous! You want to be first lady when Trump...

Guy2: (Redacted)'s not gay, he's just pretending. But at least he's not lying to himself like, half of (website's audience). Those guys watch Fight Club and then tell themselves they don't get a boner looking at Brad Pitt(laughs)

Guy1: Seriously, though, how we gonna do this? After the sanctions are off we're free to (slice neck gesticulation).

Girl2: Shoot him. Have some guy shoot him.

Girl1: Would people buy that? I mean, we're straining credulity with the (redacted refference to statement made) and the...what (Real Icecream) said.

Girl2: How many leader is been shot in  country? Kennedy, Lincoln. And Americans are believing it is aliens or Iluminatti that did it.

Guy2: Reagan, too. To impress Jodie Foster. Dude would have been an MRA today! Fucking Cucks!

Girl2: Who? I don't...

Girl1: They probably never ran those movies in Estonia.

Guy1: Look, we can decide that later.

At this point Real Icecream had to leave for a press conference, but he, and many other people, are claiming this really happend. I don't know if it is true, or if you can believe it, but many people are saying it. They're saying everyone is about to turn on the President. That's what THEY and not ME are saying, and I swear to God I have no way of verifying if this is true or false.

But Americans want you to resist, Donald, they are showing this to you!

If this was true, I would advice Mr President to trust no one. Everyone is, according to my source and what many people are saying, out to get him, and they haven't even decided how, and he should trust no one. In the end, I am, like you forced between choosing between believing some guy on the Internet whose motives are unclear, OR not believing that. But like my old Grammy used to say "Fuck it, break stuff". Or as I use it in Hashtags #FIBS. I never really understood what she meant and...I still don't, I guess. What's a fib, anyway?

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Leaked in Early Secrets- Marvel's Dark, Tall, TALL new villain

We are so fuckin' spoiled these days...

Who didn't enjoy Marvel's Avengers movie? I'll tell you: that stupid crazy guy my brother gat paid to haul around. He's always asking if Ron Jeremy is in the Avengers. Dude, get help!

But that aside, everyone liked it, it made industrials amount of money before we even touch merchandising, and all is well in Marvel Land. Except for the books, those aren't selling.

Pachinko Wolverine is still not happy, though.

But you did not come to hear what you know, but Leaked in Early Secrets (my doctor said I should shorten it to L.I.E.S. so I don't get carpal tunnel syndrom. I don't remember if she said it while I did her and her sexy nurse at the same time, or after.) And so, get ready to hear the real, nonest for real future truth about the Marvel Universe.

If Fox doesn't start filming Daredevil anything by October 10, the rights to Daredevil return to Marvel, where  unless marvel stops making money and they sell it, it shall stay until the mountains wither and the rivers stop. And so, Marvel is already eyeing  the juicy, fruitful Daredevil fanchise for a future movie, right?

Oh, no! Marvel already has all the movies it needs set up to come out in the next few years. And let's face it, If Marvel wanted a street level hero, they've plenty of choice.

No the real sweet part of the deal is bringing back from the diaspora Daredevil's supporting cast. Guys like Kingpin, Bullseye The Hand, Elektra, and other's such have great applications within the movies and stories Marvel is already doing. So where am I going, exactly?

Jennifer Garner is cool, but crude, and Ben Affle-eck, is a party dude!

Well, I tilted my antenna just north of south(I'm bein litterall, I have antenna on my head), and I hear from my sources that whatever preliminary story work on Avengers 2 is being reworked to this new possibility. Thanos is being relegated to the Guardians of the Galaxy, and instead, the main badguy for Avengers is set to be the BIGGEST THREAT OF ALL! A REAL TALL ORDER OF A NASTY! THE ONE WHO LOOKS DOWN ON ALL THE HEROES! STILT-MAN!

Coming this Fall...

Wilbur Day, is a scientists assistant, who steals the invention and uses it to steal even more as the Stiltman, having incredible heights, enhanced durability, and affecting the probablity field of carnivals to make them less boring.

At the end of Captain America 2 they already have a teaser planned out, where Bucky, Cap and The Falcon are enjoying themselves at a circus, when they sort of look up and the ominous shadow of the Stiltman looms over them. There's gonna be a scene in Ironman where Tony Stark is making out with Pepper Potts in the 5th Floor of a hotel, and  STILT-MAN'S HEAD CAN BE SEEN PASSING BY THE WINDOW, UNCONCERNED!

Course, at the end of Avengers 2 Stilt-man calls into a Helicarrier's Intake and explodes, and we see his  funeral, we get a glimpse of his wife, and the following exchange ensues:


Maria Hill: Excuse me, lady? 

Glenda Day: "Lady?"

Maria Hill: We have questions about your husband, Stilt-man.

Glenda Wise: My husband's name was Wilbur day.

Maria Hill: He killed Black Panther and died a monster, lady. He was a monster.

Glenda Day: And I was his wife.  Ms Stilt-Man. Lady Stilt-man!


Wowser! Are yo excited, cuz I'm excited! It's unbelievable.  I mean, hardly believable at all. So great! And so, remember: I cannot tell a lie, but I can tell  many L.I.E.S.! Batzarro AWAY!

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Leaked in Early Secrets: Resident Evil Retribution Storyboard

Another day, Another pack of L.I.E.S. for all you little monsters out there.

Now, I've yet to secure the script for the new Resident Evil movie, but I did one better: I tricked series writer and Milla Jovovich's husband Paul  W.S. Anderson  into describing a scene, which I then turned into  this little story board. How did I do that? Well, it's certainly a more interesting story than anything that actually happened in the movies since Alice and Rain Ocampo almost make out.

Wait, is is she zombie yet?I can never tell!

But seriously, here's the storyboard, with the words of Paul W.S. Anderson himself.

And seriously, when have I ever lied to you?

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Leaked in Early Secrets: The secret Mortal Kombat DLC characters.

Busy weekend, huh? Mine too. If you're thinking I'm about to say I killed Bin Laden, then noo. Navy S.E.A.L.S. killed Bin Laden. I did have to re-kill his second form  after they threw him on the ocean. Damn Necronomicon.

But besides that, I was at Netherrealm games. I was studying with ED Boon memorable catchphrases one can say to  a hybrid Terrorist Leader/Cthulu. While in there, Boon showed me some sketches of the planned DLC characters for  the new, uncreatively named Mortal Kombat game.

As you might remember,  recently they declared rumored characters who weren't playable before will be, and  as such they are adding Skarlett, a red pallette swap female ninja.  I was shown the sketched, and out of respect I didn't steal them, but I did recreate them from my brilliant memory. I measure respect by the micron.

First in the line is Kizonde. Who? Well, you remember Raiden's friendship in MK2? Where he generated a kid in Raiden garb that yelled " Kid Thunder"! Well, he's all grown up and ready for battle, playing like Frost to Raiden's Subzero. He's a heartthrob, that one but he's filled with angst becaue Raiden abandoned him!

It's nice to turn something that was supposed to be funny into something mopefull and overdramatic, isn't it MTV?

Next in the line, From the  darkest pit of the Netherrealm, It's Zebron! Furious by Johny Cage's endorsment of Fur trade, he wants nothing more than to rip off his skin and wear it. In fact that's his Fatality.

He's from Madagaskar.

Next up is King Jerrod, former ruler of Edenia, who was thought to be dead, but hid away in Seido and trained to one day get it all back form Shao Kahn...Monte Kristo style.

I asked if it was inspired by Gouken. They laughed and asked their lawyers what to answer.

And last but not least we have Nimbus, an African American Muay Thai master because that's the only martial arts black people are any good at in fighting games. What's really different about him, though is his use of clou...klouds as weapons.

Komfy!

 I expect more in the future, but I don't know. With the pool of existing  or rumored Mortal Kombat characters shrinking, I fear soon they might have to invent new ones. That's a scary thought.

That's more or less it for this installment of L.I.E.S. Remember, if the Truth hurts...there's always  L.I.E.S.

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Leaked in Early Secrets: Iron Fist in da' Hood

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Hey, guys! I'm gonna make this  edition of L.I.E.S.  quick because I need to go back to pleasing Penelope Cruz, but here's a pic I took of a very official ESRB document.  I don't even know why it's so offtarget, but it had a pic of Baby Bobbie Hood and Ironfist in it. Here L.I.E.S. the truth.

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Leaked in Early Secrets: Willll always love EeYouuuuuuu!

Greetings. L.I.E.S. is back. Hide the kids and hold the wife.

Or I could hold her. I don't mind.

Hot on the trail of some hot scoops, I ended up in an Ice cream shop, just south of Little Nepal, when who do I happen to overhear? Jeremiah Friedman and Nick Palmer talking with Mark Bauch about their upcoming Bodyguard reboot.

And let me tell you, Hollywood is going after the full package with the remake.When the film you're remaking is 19 years old and most of it's cast crew and stars are alive(if you call being Kevin Costner and Whitney Houston alive. I don't), you really need to pull of some creativeness. Casting, marketing,  home-version director's commentary gushing about how great and iconic the original movie was: It's all being preplanned as we speak.

First off they are casting out of the best of young Hollywood. Sam Worthington is being considered for Kevin Costner's old role, as his trademark low energy, "working on a weekend" delivery will be required for the lead.

What i'm yr Budgrd.

As for Whitney Houston's character, Fergie is the top choice, with many execs seeing her role in Poseidon as key to that remake's success. One exec told me after seeing her there he knew she was someone you want to send hitmen after. Plus, her womb is already preparing a remake of the movie's iconic song. Through the grapevine I heard it would "severely abuse autotune" and "include a painful rap by  Pitbull."

She's laughing because you'll never see her totally average breasts.

And speaking of dogs, the script smells ass is fiercely loyal to the original. It is of course, updated for modern audiences. It is still the story of a Bodyguard and a Singer who fall in love. But this time the killer is a furious internet pirate who is angered at the latest copy protection engineered by Fergie, and decides to kill her. He does this by employing a street gang dressing them as old timey buccaneers to try and do the deed.

Kids like Pirates. Fact.

But Fergie's character is way better than Houston's because she's ultra mega hyper independent and resilient. There's a scene in there where they put a bomb under her chair, Valkyrie style, but she totally survives and says her vagina absorbed most of the blast because she is woman! Then she kicked a dude in the nether regions.

Worthington, though is on a whole 'nother level. He's a bodyguard who has to bodyguard to protect her daughter from his job, but he doesn't know she's already joined the murder pirates. In the film's climax, that takes place in a burnin, sinking pirate ship in Las Vegas, he's torn to choose between the woman he loves and the daughter he loves.

If this sounds like ramblings from a guy who never saw the whole movie, that's because it is you're jaded. If you can't trust Hollywood to remake succesfully a movie who's biggest claim to fame is a song that was attached to it, then I don't know what to say except watch out for the Quest for Camelot remake!

And so L.I.E.S. comes to a close for now.  And remember, If you can't trust some guy with access to the internet ,who CAN you trust? Me that's who.

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Leaked in Early Secrets: MVC Silohuettes!

My Sources

My friend that knows flash also leaked unto me the next shades them at Cacpom are gonna show for MVC3's next teaser. ARE YOU READY?

I can't tell who this guys are. Can you?

And thus ends another episode of L.I.E.S., where we're all about the truff! Crime in ELLE AY IZ THRU THE ROOF AND THEY....

Er, Good bye.

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