Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Horrendous Theory: Mass Effect 2 is really an Italian Star Wars ripoff


I am deeply, madly in love with Mass Effect. It's one of the greatest videogames available on consoles nowadays, and not just because it let's you watch some space lesbians making out.

And I say that like it's nothing.
 Besides that, one of the strong elements of the game is the story. Broad enought to be exciting, yet detailed enought to be deep, the game's narrative is attractive after the fifth time . Of course, the game is really want would happen if Star Wars had an orgy with Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica while Babylon 5 watches.Thats' why I love it.

Still, you can't blame the game from taking cues and ideas from the greats of the Sci Fi genre: after all, the influence of years and years of them are hard to ignore. But what if I told you the plot of ME is stolen wholesale from a cheap imitation of Star Wars?

Not this one.
 Well, that's what I'm about to do! Meet Star Oddysey A.K.A.Captive Planet A.K.A. Metallica. It's a little known Italian film that was released in the height of Star War's popularity.  But  what does a movie with Robot Boxing, Sportacus' retarded cousin, and the auction of the earth have to do with ME2's intricate plot?

On their defense, Star Wars could have used more Space Skanks.
 See, Star Oddysey is in the public domain, and me liking cheap inspiration as much as anyone, decided to watch it. Here's more or less the lowdown.

In the future, Humankind still hasn't colonized other worlds, when an alien race straight up colonize US: an evil Psychic alien overlord who really wanted a closer look at his hot wafflemaker comes to the earth, and starts zapping the hell out of countries, enslaving humanity and putting earth on an Intergalactic auction. Human 's forces are useless against the aliens.

They clearly want earth's biggest resource: wigs.

 The human government supresses the news( Are we so distracted by Lindsay Lohan's antics that we ignore Tokyo's completely destroyed?) and sends for a...he's kind of a psychic, to help out. But he's used to getting things his way and hates the earth government.Eventually they work him over and cooperates. He devices that they will need a team of specialists to deal with the alien menace, and it will be comepletely out of Earth Gov's official workings.

They bust out two swindlers/Scientists from jail, steal a ship from E-Gov, hire an expert in RMMA(robot-mixed martial arts) who himself brings an annoying couple of duck looking robots and an ace space pilot with a cool spider-shirt.

Maybe we can kill the aliens while they are busy vomiting.

They figure out how to disable the aliens, and it all goes where you'd expect it. If where you expect it is the promises of Robots having heterosexual intercourse and the Scientists kinda joining the villain at the end.
Now look closer(unless you don't want ME2 being spoilt. In which case, stop reading, stupid. )

In ME2, human colonies are under attack by aliens, who pretty much kidnap everyone and make their getaway. Official human authorities, and ME2's Space U.N. supresses and downplays what is happening, while the rogue prohuman Cerberus Group decides to take direct, beyond-the-pale action. The game's Commander Sheppard is sent to aquire a team that can deal with it, which includes a scientist, breaking out an Excon and an assortment of aliens.

They figure out how to disable the aliens, and it all goes where you'd expect it. If where you expect it is people dying because they don't talk to you anymore, you jerk.

"If you don't side with me on this petty argument, I can't make any promises on not letting swarms of bugs kill me."
I believe ME2 is not linked to Star Oddysey by coincidence, but by purposedfull plagiarism. Course, Star Oddysey is public Domain. So it's not too bad a ripoff anyway. Plus, they removed the bickering robot couple and added  Seth Green.  So it's all good in the end.

 Lord Grid Face is against Robot Sex. Also he kicks children in the face.Nice.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Make random plot tutorial

Whoo! Have to settle down from L.I.E.S. a bit, and when I need to do that, I like to mash together stuff in a vain attempt to create a coherent whole. And now, You can too!

First, go to IMDB, and change the search to either quote or plots. Search for things you'd like a story to have. I chose Martial arts in this case. Remember that plots have lots of character's names, while Quotes tend to talk a lot in second person.

In a different tab, open the Travesty generator. Copy your results of your IMDB search and repeat the search with something else you like. I chose boobs. Copy that. You can continue to add IMDB results.

Whan you have what you want, change the "order of the travesty" to something between 5 and 7. Make the lenght as long as you want. But if you're not easilly satisfied, you may want a smaller search.

These are my results
Barney Ross doesn't either. A hideous one-eyed hag offer still open? 33.

Grown Ups (2010) Su Qi-Er retired from his mind and ultra-violent tendencies

her and daughter on the story was me, Alex, three will use a comet to deal

with Marie by his wife Ying and awakens in Leonardo has gone to Central

American island by a Reindeer (2005 TV Series) Episode: The Simpsons (2006)

You want to touch your boobs against him. 27. Two and adventure by two

racist cops whom he'd dispatched too thinking them. 27. Two an

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The Ghost of Bilstein...

Hayato, you ain't nothing but a slut to him!
...is Jeff Dunham's newest puppet.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Leaked in early Secrets.: Variable Gee-Oh.

Haven't mastered the art of ironing, yet.

Know you now to trust the power of my L.I.E.S.? Good, because it is high time I brought  you more.

See, I went to comiccon. Lesser men go there in cars or planes. Not me, though. I went in a truck made entirely out of naked whores, each making delicious Mayo Sandwiches, and not with their hands,either.  I would have let people see it, but I was stealthy cuz I was in a secret mission: Find out which Megaman was in the game.

So, I move in silent, like a Ninja, sneak past Killian and Inafume up to a cellphone Nitsuma had left there. I didn't have much time, so i quickly hacked it using some chicken wire and the skills the Montauk Monster taught me.


You shall be avenged, Heidi...

I managed to get this insanely small thumbail below.

I would have gotten more, but it's kinda hard to hack when you have an Araña cosplayer pleasuring you.

There you go, folks. That should solve THAT little dillema. But remember,  that not everyone has the truth as firmly held as I . Don't trust rumors or speculation without sources or evidence. Trust L.I.E.S.  Where the truth comes to dye it's shirt.

BGEVER Webcomics: Backstories!

Some Jerkwad spreading rumors that Strider and Hsien Ko are in MVC3. I doubt that, but now I'm riled up about Hsien Ko.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Told ya!


Thursday, October 7, 2010

Update: Superman, Wonder Woman, Justice League

Superman is off the chain.

The talk of the town: Superman's film is being helmed by Zack Snyder, of '300' and 'Watchmen' fame,  Rumor has it the plot has him traveling through the world, trying to figure out if he wants to become Superman. Also, that Zod is the badguy.

Is this you'r great pitch, Nolan? Batman Begins but with Superman? Not an origin, but the annoying parts where the character hasn't put the suit on yet? And the bad guy is Zod? Color me unimpressed with this. Though at least Snyder is good at making comic panels into live action scenes so I guess the movie will be pretty to look at. I just hope it doesn't take an hour for Superman to show up.
Got any weapons on you?...a lasso, that's not a weapo...a Tiara? You can keep em'.

Wonder Woman is getting a new TV show, courtesy of the guy who directed "The Practice" and wrote 'Lake Placid', both of which I liked. Some people feel disapointed at there not being a movie instead. To them I say:

a) You're probably gonna get as much movie as you where gonna get. Should have gotten more copies of the one you got last year, and maybe the sequel wouldn't have gotten canned.

b)It's probably better for people to get to know Wonder Woman's world, and other characters. Sure, most people know the suit, but a lot of them can't tell Dr Cyber from Dr Psycho.

Fully don't expect Wonder Woman to be buff. While sexism mayplay a role in that, it's a problem to have dual identities where one is "buff" and the other one is supposed to be average or meek and that gets worse in Live Action, no matter how much you think HHH should have played Thor.  I hope the new Wondy is Gemma Arterton!

One! Singular sensation, of fire and omega beams...

Also, Armie Hammer talked about the cancelled Justice League movie.  Here's some choice quotes.

Quint: I’m fascinated by that stuff, the “almost happened,” the “What if” stuff and just the idea of George Miller doing a JUSTICE LEAGUE movie still… I think it’s going to go down as one of the saddest “This didn’t happen” things ever.

Armie Hammer: And dude I saw it all. Like I saw the prevised fight sequences. I saw the entire storyboarded film that he had in a room ten times the size of this room with storyboards floor to ceiling, so you walked around the entire room and read the movie like a comic book. What he did… He created something that was so magnificent and put so much work into it, the fact that it never got a chance to be seen by daylight or appreciated by those who really would appreciate this more than anything else… I mean he was bringing in the psychology of these characters more than anyone else ever had.

We had psychiatrists with us in our rehearsal process to be like “Why this?” He was like “Well you see, with a delusional character like this, like the Batman, who thinks in this such a way, like a paranoid schizophrenic like this, this would be the motivating factor.” You bring so much more to these characters, because it’s not just “Well in this frame you are going to jump on top of this car and you are going to throw your Batarang.” It’s like “Why is everyone doing what they are doing, but in George Miller’s true style.” He was going so in-depth in this.

We had a brain surgeon, a psychiatrist, a Joseph Campbell expert, and all of these people in every single table meeting we had for a month and a half and then all of the characters were also training as their characters, so The Flash, Adam Brody, was training as The Flash with rubber bands, so he’d be fast and twitchy. Aquaman, Santiago Cabrera, was swimming a lot and Miller would send him to go swim with Dolphins in Northern California for hours so he would be used to being around sea creatures. Batman, being the only human of the Justice League and having to really prove himself there, he had to be the consummate martial artist, as well as the ultimate detective, so he was playing psychological games with all of us.

He would leave me out of things, like intentionally, but I wouldn’t know this until months later when I would just get the feeling of like “What is going on? Why is everybody?” Because he wanted me to constantly be getting into that paranoid mind frame of The Batman.
Sight. I've gone on about this subject a lot. But the more times go on, the more infantile the claims against this movie seem. Could have possibly been the biggest, baddest Superhero film of all time. I mean, here we have the guy who would have played Batman, just of proving his acting chops in "The Social Network" saying they where clearly trying to get them into character in a serious way, while some guy was at his home complaining he was too young for the role. I think it's a disgrace that we didn't have a chance to judge the film on it's own, is all.
Also, tomorrow is the New York Comic Convention. And new MVC character's are getting shown. Here's hoping  for She Hulk and Phoenix Wright!