Thursday, November 12, 2009

Horrendous Theory: Birthday Girl

If you're anything like me, you like watching kids cartoons and making up insane postmodernist assumptions about the characters involved. Hey, it's a gift. Though I'm not the kind of person to actually believe this theories, but I definitively like thinking them.

As you may have also notice, I've kind of taken a liking to the PBS show Wordgirl. It's a show that's quicker, smarter and funnier than lot's of stuff out there. But is it secretly hinting at something darker? Let us see!

This(second part) episode focuses on Eileen, a girl who grows in size whenever she really wants something, and Wordgirl and her overly chill friend Violet  must rescue Wordgirl's sidekick Bob. 

Unless you where too busy thinking that Violet was a stoner lesbian kid, you missed a very sad story of genetical engineering and death.

Eileen, what is her origin? The show doesn't SEEM to tell us, but I think I kind I know.You need to read between the lines.

Name: Eileen=Alien(Yeah, not the first time I've seen THIS nameplay.)

Claims everyday is her birthday and she loves gold stars. This last part is important, because she doesn't seem to go to the same(or any) school as our protagonists.

Her house seems uninhabited, and no adults claim her as a daughter, despite the fact she destroys most of the town.

So here's my theory: It all started 10 years ago. In some lab outside Preposterocity (yes, that's the name of the town. Don't wear it out:) the military industrial complex is attempting to mix human DNA with that of aliens from another planet. This particular aliens are able to increase their mass to show dominance, and are telepathically linked to those of their own species as well. A whole batch of clones where created, though, based on the DNA of one scientist. Let's call her Dr Helen.

DR Helen managed to get the right DNA mixture of human and aliens, which resulted in children who are able to increase in size when they get  a goal in their mind, and also develop and learn  in ridiculous amounts of time. A baby can develop into a preteen in 6 months. But they don't live much beyond that. Helen, and the folks at the Military industrial Complex want to know exactly what practical combat applications a giant preteen can have. So when clones his a certain mark, they take one them out of stasis, implant memories and put pretty dresses on her, then let her loose on the city. They know it will lead to the subject getting all agitated and turning, which will make Wordgirl fight her.

 At the end of the day, the body begins to fail. The alien DNA rejects the human DNA, and she dies. Then the cover-up happens, as she is thought to go "home"(she's never shown to be convicted, in a show where "Energy Monster" is.)

And a couple of months later a new clone is let loose. She possesses some memory of past events, but has no concept of time. She thinks it's her birthday.

It really Is her birthday everyday: She was born out of a capsule under the watchfull eye of her "Mommy" DR Helen. The gold stars remind her of  the military men she sees earlier in the day, and of her home planet across space. She is blissfully unaware of her status as an abomination, a product of science and a doomed life.

Or maybe I read too much into it.

F.A.R.T. Vol 3 My F.A.R.T will go on

Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been busy lately to post anything here or on TGWTG. I've had  official University Stuff to do, and I'm lazy and easilly distracted. Worse , I don't know how long until they cut my Internet for lack of payment. So, if this is to be our last post together, let's spend it in style.

Let's go to a fancy place. A place with candles, overpriced food and french waiters. Let's go on a date.

Below, some Fanart that fell into my web. I will tell you exactly what I think  of the piece.

This piece is simply titled Romance. I like the soft pastel tones. Also, THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP SHIT RIGHT THERE!

It's what amounts to a ghost holding hands with what amounts to a rat. Necrobestiality? Spiriphilia? Really, help me out here? The ramifications of such a relationship are astronomical!

Also, it's funny to imagine the sweet nothings Haunter and Rattata will say. "HAUN-HAUN! TER HAUN! RATTA-TA! TATTA RATA!"

My knoweledge of  Twilight is limited, so I can't say if this ever happened in the books. Edward had a tentacle for an arm, and the world's worst mullet, right? And he and Bella where conjoined at the head?

I don't want to diss the style of this either, because frankly, the artist seems to have gone for a  "Rugrats" kind of abstraction. I still think Eduard had two legs, though...

My first instinct with this was to accuse it of being traced. Something about it just reeks of trace. But I was too lazy to check it out. So, if not traced, this is a pretty good drawing.

Except well...Jasmine isn't that white. Never was. Even Aladdin's skin was darker. What happened? Could you not be bothered to look  up pictures of the characters to see what their skin was like?

This is what Jasmine looks like. You want me to go show you what Aladdin like? Honestly, you could google image the background for your art, you might as well go for broke and get the characters right. I never thought I'd say this, but you just whitewashed Disney.

I am saddened by the odd chance this relationship may end. But we must endure, for true love is eternal, no matter how mismached, deformed, or ethnically challenged the lovers may be.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Fan Art Review Time Vol II: F.A.R.T. Harder

 Lads and gents, the section that vivisects the worst fanworks Deviant Art Has to offer is back.  But the section has a confession to make. You see, the F.A.R.T has been living in denial, and it's time to come out of the closet.

Now don't act so so surprised. You saw Apocalypse Shadow's necklace: those where signs: F.A.R.T. is gay. So let's lisp our way into this edition's entries.

As always, I only do this in the spirit of betterment of the community. And Clicks. But mostly betterment.

Total Drama Lesbiaaans! For all the ships you could do of of that show... Lindsay/Izzy is one of them.
And I could buy it from Izzy too. What I can't buy is that the author would post this up.

Most of Lindsay and Izzy's body has become wireframes, as if they where burnt bodies that they put clothes on and posed. The characters also have no faces but for their very blue and green eyelashes.

The author even has better pieces than this. Why upload something so amateurish and incomplete? Look, someday we'll have a big site called "" and we'll upload anything we want there. But meanwhile please, no more bitmap atrocities like this.

On to my criticism...FUCKING FINISH IT! Really, I've seen your other work. You can do more than stick figures!

It surprised me a bit, too.  Generally  shipping doesn't involve the same character falling for itself, because then you gotta wonder if it's incest, masturbation or some new paraphilia that doesn't have a name yet. But one of this is apparently not Fry. Take it away, artist!

"Using the Clone-O-Mat that the Professor fixed, Fry copied himself into four and it ran out of power :faint: Two of Fry's clones teased the other one named Tori (who likes cute stuff) and had fun with Amy, Bender and Zoidberg who laughed at the poor Fry duplicate :icontarddanceplz: He befriends the original Fry and becomes a cute friend of his, bacause Leela's confused and reckons which one's the real Fry"
So yeah, one of this guys is the clone of the other. Turned out to  be a gay clone. Who turned his original into a gay.

 "Well Played, sir"

The lines aren't too bad. Some proportional loss around the neck. Expected stuff, because the deceptive simplicity of Groening type design bellows a steep learning curve.

But what really angers me isn't the turning of a straight guy into a gay guy. My beef is that apparently this character belongs to someone named Jenny Ngo, I assume the name behind the screenname.

Look, Jenny, I don't know how copyright works in Africa, but I'm fairly certain you don't own Fry, or the concept of being a homosexual.  And really, that's all there is to your original character.

I suggest  if you really want your gay Fry to be special, at least fab him up a bit, aye? While you at it, give him a partner that isn't his blood related, because incest still hasn't been lobbied into acceptability.

What? It SO is on the pattern. Have you seen the way Obi Wan talks in this show? It's gayer than Ziro the Hutt  eating a rainbow while  entering a hair salon in San Francisco.

But what we have here is an attempt at epic, as the cut up, crushed remains of Ahsoka, Obi Wan,  Anakin, and  Padme  are  surrounded by the lyrics of Chad Kroegger's "Hero". Never mind that it was the soundtrack to Spider-Man, let's turn this into an AMV!

First up, the author of the piece didn't know how to pull off the look of the show.Second, while the background isn't half bad the characters are completely flat and disproportionate like hell. There is some shading in there, but come on! Shading can't save this. Thirdly just look at those expressions:  Ahsoka looks like she smells shit, Obi Wan looks to be saying something while being mad(probably describing the cost of Nichole Richie's house for a VH1 show, no doubt), Padme looks Asian and Anakin looks like he's about to kill himself with his lightsaber.

I would honestly suggest study of human anatomy. You can't just jump from 0 to the flash-turned-CG of Clone Wars.

Either way, you guys can get better if you get out of the closet of laziness, uncreative design, and Star Wars Guro. And remember that F.A.R.T. is here to stay, so get used to it!

Friday, October 23, 2009

BGE webcomic:The capital of France.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Fan Art Review Time Vol 1

Folks, I want full disclosure here: I'm not a professional level artist or storyteller. My artwork is rushed. Why am I saying that? Because I want to push the Fan artists into some standards.

Because, really, how else can we grow, as artists, if our works aren''t challenged? With that said, let's go. Even though this is protected by the "review fair use" I still want to link to the artists pages on the screenies. Because I'm that damn nice.So click on the images for full view on Deviant Art.

"Not Shadow, but an incredible simulation!"

I guess in fairness sakes the line-art and coloring and other elements here aren't badly performed. Although this fails to comfort to Sonic character design proportions, unless this guy is a giant, towering over Big the Cat. My Beef with this piece is with the concept: An original character named Apocalypse Shadow.

Now look, here: You can't just grab Shadow, scar him, slick his quills a bit, give him a last name and a heart necklace(because it matches with his eyeshadow?) and call it an O.C. "Oh, look at my original character, it's called Spider-man X! He's exactly like Spider-Man, except with cute little earrings!(c) to me!"

Did the artist ever stop to think how such a character would even FIT on the franchise? You know, having the same name and looking mostly exactly the same as a preexisting character? We don't need Apocalypse Shadow. We got regular old Shadow already. If we can't even give new names and colors to our Sonic OCs, what's the point?


Look, I'm going straight to the point with this: Painting over screencaps is lazy, LAZY sub-art, but even it can be done better than this! Honestly, If one was to use MS Paint to do wish fulfillment art where your made up character makes out with Danny Phantom, you might as well go all the way and draw everything yourself because there's no way that's worse than this .

In the interest of being constructive, though, I'll give the artist some advise: Cut the image and work on a copy away from it, then paste it. That way you'll be able to edit with more freedom. However there IS free software that is better than MS Paint. Get Pixia. You can use layers with that.

And what the hell is that thing over the Nickelodeon logo? Some kind of squiggly hammer?

Many ethical questions arise.

For those of you unfamiliar the character on the left is Becky Botsford A.K.A. Wordgirl and on the right is Bruce Boxleitener, who would become Dr 2 Brains, I guess Wordgirl's archenemy.

When did we get to the point that a preteen super-heroine and one of her villains from a PBS kids show get to be shown as if romantically involved? No, pedophilia isn't Kawaii, isn't canon, and it's not right. How do you feel a super-heroine who arrests you for stealing cheese react to the very idea of a relationship with a grown up?

"Oh what is it that you said that I believe it was er..
..Sick fuck!!"
As for the art, It's far from done. I don't think either of these guys is this white, unless the artist was watching a Bizarro version of the show. Hell, that might explain the underage shipping as well.

As for my closing argument, all of these artists could get better at their craft. It all depends on how much effort they put into it. So think up some new ideas, pick up a couple of books on drawing and stay the hell away from my family and you guys will be on your way to the top!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Leaked in Early Script: Battleship

Blatant prediction of G-4's success.

Hey, It's Batzarro again!

You know, even as you see me, humble amongst the normal men, the average Joes, your everyday, kinda foreign internet blogger type, I'm a pretty powerful force in the show business world. A god, even!

No, no, get up! You don't have to kneel! I need you to have healthy knees to build my temple. And besides, I'm here to bless YOU! You see, I have access to many things in my heavenly kingdom, and one of them is scripts that are either being made, or are yet to be made!

Hey, where you going? You can't just walk away from a blog! Audience, you're walking away from the Blog!

I know, I could be just another guy faking it for a few clicks. What do I look like, I.E.S.B.? Admittedly I can't confirm whether this is true or just me making junk up. So decide for yourself whether you want to believe me. So welcome to my new segment, mortals! It's called Leaked in Early Scripts!(Or to shorten it: L.i.E.S. ) where I use my ill gotten scripts to tell you about upcoming films.

Today's way too early script is for Battleship. While you may think about Battleship and say "how the hell are they going to make a film about finally figuring out your brother is lying about where his pieces are and fighting over it"? Luckily, Hasbro and Universal executives have it covered. But since they didn't have other things covered, (and outside of puppies) they HAD to give me the script's first rough draft. Blackmail at it's finest.

The Movie follow Jessica Red The U. S. Navy's highest ranked female officer. She leads A small Fleet of eponymous battleships in the year 201x. It seriously IS X. At one point a character points out he was going out with Jessica in 201y, and he "doesn't know Y they broke up".

Either way Jessica Leads her fleet to the arctic seas because they want to test a new coordinates system where a letter is longitude, and a number up to 10 is latitude. They've forgone our current coordinates system "after World War 5" because machines do most of the actual steering and comedic routines.
"I'm too old for this Ship!" Said the voice from the PA system...

As they approach the point they're supposed to be going they suddenly encounter a fleet lead by the mysterious White. The script says of him: "He's kind of a white Darth Vader". A masked individual who's a mystery to most, but Jessica knows him all too well, because he is her brother! Dun Dun DUUN!

Turns out years before, they where both in the navy, and he suffered an accident and she was kinda responsible for it, but he was left blind, and their father was killed, and she was promoted and he blamed her. So now he's come back as White, with a fleet of stealth computer guided battleships to destroy her fleet in revenge!

So they enter an impasse after he sends her a threatening message to blow up her ships, the tension ramps up. She can't see his ships because they're cloaked, and he can't really see her ships because he's blind, they can't really know what the hell to do! So Jessica starts tapping into her "Sailor Spirit" a technique her Iroquois father taught her, to try and find the ships. This leads into her seemingly guessing where the ships are, and her crew doubting her sanity.

It becomes exactly like the game, where Jessica yelling A-5 sends missiles and torpedoes in that direction.White also sends his minions, robots called "Sinkers" to board ships in Jessica's fleet. They are described as "Whatever designed can be economically turned into toys".

Her crew includes Donald, a happy-go-lucky Navy officer with an attitude and former lover of Jessica. The Script describes him as " that guy from the Street Fighter Movie, but with a Soul-patch". Apparently they had a falling out because he "couldn't trust her" which becomes important later on when Jessica puts a bunch of seagull feathers on her hair and tries to summon her "Sailor Guardian".

Also Shanoya, Jessicas BFF Sistah, who commands one of the ships on the fleet. She randomly sings Souljah Boi songs and gets incredibly furious if anyone touches her navy headgear. Also has a recurring catchphrase when her ship gets hit by subsonic charges.
"She's dressed exactly as in that TLC video"

The Climax of the film is simply amazing. White kidnaps Donald, and takes him to a missile bay ties him to a rocket, and they are both shot towards the White house! But Jessica jumps in a missile too! And the missiles get, like neck to neck, and White and Jessica start fighting in middair while she tries to change the direction away from the White house! I won't spoil it for you, but the phrase: "You sank my Battleship!" is put to good use...

Overall, a nice fast paced read that only ventures out of the source material when it is absolutely necessary. Still, the film could be less fan winks. Shanoya's surgery where she's getting metal shards removed losses impact because she decides to make a buzzing sound whenever it hurts. And President MONEYBAGS? Really? Way to spoil the ending of Monopoly, there! I haven't even read that script!
We all suck at SOMETHING. In my case, one of those things is Maniping.

Well, that's enough of my spoilers to you! But alas, you may believe I just made this up for ships and giggles. Like my father used to say: only bind velor italianizes outhumoring unbrutalizing smile prefavor astigmatizer rivalize ochered deoxidizers yet(or o.b.v.i.o.u.s.p.a.r.o.d.y. for short).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sudden blindess strikes the Net again!

Monday, September 21, 2009

5 properties that shouldN't have had cartoons(but still did)

So...remember when you tried to force me into marriage?Me neither!

Hey, I understand. Children are essentially living loopholes for their parents money. Whether it's selling them impromptu Ice Cream or shilling out yet another version of the Nintendo DS, children are the Achilles Heels of the economic stability of adults. And I should know. I was a child once.
Makes sense. There are aliens and the shooting of them. Go on!

But there's a point when, at the entertainment industry, where people must wonder: will children REALLY buy this? While it's easy to underestimate the little-uns, there are lines that being crossed, and their normally dormant good taste senses are awoken.
He's a has BEAN!

The following franchises crossed that line. They should not have been made into cartoons for children. And in a fair world they wouldn't have.
Fatality!!! Except not really!
But this isn't a fair world is it?

5)Mr T
Mr T is a man of deep thoughts. Foo'!

What's the franchise?
Mr T, human catch-phrase cannon.

So it's a bit of a softball, I know. Mr T was a well into being merchandised by the time this show came to be. Heck, he'd already had been in The A-Team animated series. What more could they do?
So how did they adapt it for kids?
Well, for one, put Mr T with a bunch of gymnasts. I mean, Rambo fot teamed up with some GIJoe wannabes and Chuck Norris with a Sumo wrestler. But Mr T had a bunch of kids on white leotards. The Sky Dancers could kick their asses.

Also, it looks like a 60's cartoon featuring an 80's icon. I mean, kids like dated animation, right?
4) Ace Ventura
So he's like Wolverine, but instead of cloggin comic covers, he finds dogs.

What's the franchise?
A Jim Carrey film franchise where he once dropped a transexual's pants. Yes, way before the dark one entered our world, attempts to sell your kids ass ventriloquism already existed.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
My taking animal names litterally. Because bald eagles that are bald are funny.

This one suffered by the adaptation meme syndrome, where in order to capture the spirit of the film, they repeat moments of th film in every chapter. So every episode, inevitably, Ace would call someone a "looooooser" talk with his butt, catch something with his mouth, etc. It's not like the Karate Kid cartoon had Daniel-San learning to fight by cleaning each episode, right? NO, really, do tell, I can't remember.

3)Bubsy the Bobcat
The subject shows a distinct lack of originality! Add more puns!

What's the franchise?
Sonic Clone number 22324889A-70. Laboratory transcripts say he "lasted more than most, more than he should, and less than Crash Bandicoot"and that "the third dimension finally did him in".
So how did they adapt it for kids?
More transcripts:" And we where so close, too! We even began the process of genetic duplication of the cartoon! But the DNA samples we took where broken, because they where based on the more retarded version of animated Sonic, and the resources we have for scripting are appallingly poor. Hopefully, if this goes beyond pilot we'll get at least a good catchphrase."

What could possibly go wrong indeed.

2)Police Academy
My comment couldn't make something Police Academy related funny.

What's the franchise?
A frat boy comedy series where the frat boys are also supposed to uphold the law. Specifically, this is seemingly based on the 4rth film where they added the "citizens on patrol" characters, if you care about Police Academy continuity.

So how did they adapt it for kids?
Singing and rap. In every single maligned episode.

Every chase was punctuated by a "Fat Boy Raps" that would forever haunt your memory and leave you a broken shivering mess. It's a sad state of affairs when you are forced to use phrases like "I wish it where more like Police Academy". But such it is in this cartoon.

1)Free Willy
Tekken has upped the ante on air juggles and animal characters.

What's the franchise?
A series of films about a boy who really likes an Orca whale, with a title that invokes putting spit in peoples ears.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
How didn't they? The first episode has the kid suddenly realizing he can talk to Willy and other sea mammals, including Einstein the Dolphin and a Seal, who are friends of Willy. This is the human equivalent of you being friends with a Grill Cheese and a Burrito.

Then, make it more faux nature conscious, but ignore everything like facts. Like here, where a seemingly evil squid with a beak skims across the surface of the water to try and kill an Orca Whale. I mean, if you want to be all touchy feely about nature, you might as well be accurate.

Add a cyborg villain who really has it in for Willy for his condition and would go to any Captain Planet's villain-esque lenght to kill it. If it seems referency to Captain Ahab, of Moby Dick lore, Ahab was quite straightforward with his plan: Spear the damn thing! No slime minions. no mutant octopusses, no DDT. Stab it, like they do to 1000's of other marine animals each year!

In short, this cartoon had to be stretched so far beyond the basic levels that movie had that it boggles the mind why would they even bother making it about the film. But it's the essence of my argument: If played straight as a cartoon version of the series, it would fail as well. The world's children did not need a cartoon based on Free Willy. So who's this for?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Countdown Clocks, Cats Countdowns at

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Atheists and Logic: A rant

First of all, I want to open up this by saying: Yes, I am a Christian. one of 1.5 Billions. Yes I believe that a being who's nature is mysterious created existence and us, and that he sent a being who may have been his Son to save our immortal souls.

Do I HAVE to? Drag Yourself!

Thing is, I rarely bring this up. This is because a) I suck at convincing people of things and b) because I've come to realize that there is a whole world out there full of people who don't agree with me,who are ethically, ethnically, socially, mentally, and spiritually different from me.. And that's okay. If people approach me about my beliefs, we'll talk. Otherwise you can go on being yourself, because the salvation of your soul isn't on me. As I entered the global culture of the internet, though I noted a strange, thought. It's that, what in real life might be a guy in a Megaphone yelling at you for wearing hotpants(in the tropics, yeah, I see no reason WHY anyone would want to wear little clothing.) In the internet has become a big old angry atheist unpromptedly saying that there is no God and you're a Retard.Try it. Look at the comment pages of anything on Youtube that's slightly faith related. Or maybe it's not at all. Otherwise, you'll see what I'm talking about.
How does a guy who hates religions end up at a Prince of Egypt Youtube vid?

But that's just Youtube, right, where comments range from rants to "Lolwut". Except that other sites have that same kind of trolling behavior. You don't believe? Then get a load of KillJeebus.

"Oh no, my child might start beLIEving in the WRONG Invisible Man in the Sky
As an Atheist, I find this funny. Oh nooooes, my child has been exposed. Jebus! Jebus....SAVE my child.

All religion and ALL doG's are MANMADE. Everything we know about every single doG or doG's have been told to us by other HUMANS.

Someday, the world will wake up and realize that we live on a "pale, blue dot" in a sea of blackness and fighting over who's doG is better than another's doG is useless and a waste of time.

Except of course the ONE TRUE OMNIPOTENT ONE....His Noodlyness the
Flying Spaghetti Monster. HE is the one, the only TRUE GOD, and your only hope of salvation!!!

Come brothers and sisters, be touched by his Noodly Appendage and find peace with fellow Pastafarians at the base of the Beer Volcano next to the Stripper Factory.

RAmen "
That's telling us!

Killjeebus(Note the Simpsons reffrence, even though a) Simpsons' God seems to quite often exist in their canon and B) after Homer claims to not believe in "Jeebus" he turns around and ASKS FOR HIS HELP!) is a user of engadget forums, mosly Joystiq. Whenever anything slightly religion related apears he's there, to make sure to remind us how much thinking differently than him makes us suck. Not even in a graceful way either, but like the most retarded wordings and turns of phrase. Yeah doGs instead of gods, thanks, killy, you're super witty and charming. I am abandoning my beliefs, because while looking for info on video games somebody wrote a bunch of mean-spirited words. You ar not enlightened and you are not South Park funny.

And that's where we arrive at the heart of my argument. Atheists, I'm addressing you directly and in no uncertain terms.

Let's get some enlightened Trash talking here!

We Do have our disagreements, and that's unlikely to change. However, you run on a platform of logic, scientific reason, and research. And my request to you will not be made in the name of the faith, but in the name of logic. I'm asking that you play by the very rules you want others to play.

Do you REALLY believe acting like acid spitting cobras has ever convinced anyone? Being that we're the emotional ones and you're the rational ones, what part of "you are stupid" convincing anyone is rational? Has that ever worked? "Oh, yeah, buy this car asshole, or stay retarded." If you can't have simple human civility and respect for others then you probably aren't all that strong in your conviction. That is, you should not be haranguing people about it, bcause you are not a serious person.

Also, if we humans are devoid of souls, and are only animals, albeit social and smart animals, that means we only live to perceive, then die into nothingness. That gives at most 100 years(haha, not with today's food!) to live. What is rational about using any of that time to try and get people to agree with you by harassing them? Dude, you're probably half dead already. Go get an atheist sandwich and an orgy, there's no time! And after that you die. All your possessions, all your argument, and whatever mark you left onthe world, it won't matter. You'll still be dead. And in any case, wouldn't having the knoweledge that God doesn't exist make you more powerful (because knoweledge is power), therefore it behooves you to convince as many people as possible that there IS a God? Because that would be good for you, and then, what reason is there to help others?
Yes, I only know the quote because of Mortal Kombat.

Finally, some of you feel that Religion has cause every problem in existence, and that it's disappearance will solve all of them. Wrong and Wrong. Religion is just another flavor of leadership. In reality wars happen because groups(which might be defined by their religion or other factors, such as nationality or history) are lead by people. People usually like power. Having the resources of a land gives you power. So War! For example, the war in Palestine. Is it a coincidence that two groups claim belings to them also happens to be a SWEET SPOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT? No, it is not. If you think otherwise, well that's stupider than believing the world is 6000 years old. It's simple sociology, and if you don't know this, you are way behind on the atheist race! Get to reading!

People kill people because they are people: They're petty, they're mean and they're self righteous. Even if you eliminate religion from the equation, you'd still be dealing with a heterogeneous bunch of ethnies, cultures, and beliefs. And you'd still have leaders, who are still petty, mean and self righteous. Or am I wrong here? I can't know more about this stuff than you!

And much in the same way alchemy didn't bring us golden puppies, but ended up bringing us other advancements, Religion, even if it where not an actual solution or be even close to the truth, HAS brought some good into the world and would continue to do so. The kinds of ethical imperatives brought forth by faiths have lead into laws, which lead into law enforcement, which is the thing that usually keeps your creepy neighbor from entering your house and raping you. I would suggest keeping Religions around. You may not agree with them. Hell I don't agree with MOST of them. But they aren't badder than any other organized anything. Certainly not worse than organized Child traffickers and they don't get nearly as much grief from you. If you must attack religions, the least you could do is have some continuity with why you don't like about it and be unlike what you consider them. For otherwise, you're no better than the zealots you disagree with. A preacher with no message. A Bible thumper with no bible. A tree with no fruit.



Monday, August 31, 2009

The bad and good about Disney buying Marvel

Don't check your calendars, because it's not April one. In fact, forget your calendars, it's the end of Fuckin' TIME! rtainment/

Fire in the skies! Brother turns against brother! A huge bear with a rib in his mouth is rising from the sea!
It's symbolic; you wouldn't get it. I don't.

Marvel comics, the company that as of last year was vying for it's independence as an entertainment company is to be bought by Disney. Among a sea of dumb internet analysis(can't wait for the hannah montana meets spiderman movie (sarcasm) ), I will try to bring you the best outcomes of this deal, as well as the dark side of Disney mergering.

Not the Darkseid of Disney, though.
1)It's NOT the end of the world
Another thing neither of us gets, is highly symbolic and is not the end of the world. Touga!

Well, Marvel wanted to be able to do it's own films without having to license to companies. In a kind of Bizarro way, getting bought by said companies is the ultimate expression of that. You get all the backing a transnational juggernaut like Disney can provide, and you can go to town with whatever Antman film you didn't have money for. It's like a prostitute marrying a millionaire, except this probably doesn't end in murder.

While I would have though Marvel would have made enought money from all that licencing Spiderman, Daredevil, Hulk and Fantastic Four, you can't blame them for seing 4 billion dollars and saying "insert penis here" while pointing to their mouths. And NO, they aren't changing Spider-Man to a musical outside of, you know, the musical.

Lot's of people out there hear Disney and inmediately wonder if Bambi will become a Marvel regular because Marvel to them only makes kids stuff. Disney is a HUUUUUGE corporative conglomerate and likely you've enjoyed their products sometime even if it doesn't have that little castle in it.

2)Marvel vs Capcom 3 is way more likely to ocurr.

Mugen, it only makes you want the real thing more!

Hey, Disney corp is a lean, mean, shilling machine. Anyone with stones to have a Nightmare before Christmas game would sell they're own immortal souls for a grill cheese.

And while we can look on the bad side of that and how we don't like it, it's that kind of marketing insanity that lead to Ducktales for the NES, Disney's Magical Tetris Challenge and Square crossover extraordinaire Kingdom Hearts(which still baffles me to this day. I don't ever mention Donald Duck and Cloud from FF7 in the same sentences, unless I'm mentioning character's who's games I've yet to catch up to.)

Berserker DUCK!

In fact the first two I mentioned where made by Capcom, as well as the Nightmare before Christmas one. So, there's a history there, and I think this opens a whole new world(snort!) of
possibilities, including a 3rd Capcom crossover game. It's money in the bawnk! And, hey, if they wanna put Goliath of the Gargoyles there, it's okay with me.

I mean, just sayin'...

3)Not all of Disney is kids stuff, and not all of Marvel is Wolverine.

So, yeah, I've made a point that Disney produces more than teeny bopper flicks and starlets. But did it ever occur to you, Mr Manly, than maybe Marvel is slightly less adult than we've all come to consider it? Yes, there are dark stories and there's sex/sexual tension and that terrible brown blood they use all the time, but maybe, JUST maybe we are still reading about a guy un blue spandex called Cyclopes fighting a guy called Mr Sinister? They can curse and kill all they want, they're still wish fulfillment fantasy stories.
See, the brown stuff under Frank Castle/Punisher and Marshal Mathers/Eminem. Wait, WHA?

Disney can do dark too. Even without going into it's other sub-lables(because they financed Pulp Fiction and that's cheating right there.) Disney films have a long history of dark moments. There's the time that guy sang to a Virgin Mary statue about his lustfull desires and potential murder of a gypsy. I mean, hard to get darker than that.
Cue the sexy gypsy registration act!

In fact, Disney traditional animation and Marvel could use each other's help. Imagine something like this, but with Marvel characters. And that's just T.V. budget animation, I don't need to tell you Disney produced some beautiful animatin back in the day and plans to do so again. Huh? Hello? Awesome! And we know Pixar is exited by the prospect of Marvel moving in.

Now THIS is dark!

And now for the bad.

3) Take it from those with experience

So, it's a wonderful, brave new world for Marvel, right? They can get theis groove on with as many films as Disney can muster them doing. Is there a precedent? Do you even have to ask?

Warner Bros. bought DC comics in the 70's. Superman, Batman Wonderwoman, the whole damn Justice League is theirs to command. With a media giant like Time Warner you would expect characters like this would have been mercylessly exploited.

But no. The DC catalogued in more than 30 years has been criminally underused. Sure, we've gotten enough Batman in films, and Superman as well, despite the horrendous 20+ year gap between the last and second-to-last films. From there on down, it's been nothing but pain. Catwoman and Vertigo imprints like Sin City and V for Vendetta round out the films so far And one of those was Catwoman!. No WonderWoman, no Justice League, no Flash no nothing. Sure, Marvel got some duds, too, but because it was independent it was free to release the rights to whoever would end up making the damn things, it ensure that the movies WHERE done.And getting a Dark Knight here and there only reminds you how neglected everyone else is. Sure, I expect a Wonder Woman movie will exist eventually. I will run to tell my grankids about it, hopefully before the rapture takes place.
You guys wanna catch Green Lantern 2 before we end the world?

I'm not saying Marvel is going to suffer through the same as DC. But it COULD happen.

2) Crosspollination of the worst kind possible

Far as we know, Marvel and Disney's universes stay separate. You AREN'T getting Hulk in the Incredibles, and you aren't getting Mickey in Ironman. Got it? Good. You don't see Bugs Bunny in Superman...much.

But what if Marvel tries to go all micromanagement on Marvel. What if posters for High School Musical start showing up in Spider-Man comics? What if Spider-Man shows up in House of Mouse. What if the new Storm is Raven Simone?
That's so UATU!

Sure, this kind of thing won't start on day one. But what if over time, when we become numb to it, it becomes too much?

Better him than Mac Gargan. Link!
1)The Flinstones effect.

Millions of years ago, dinosaurs ruled the earth and we used them as appliances. Well that was the premise behind The Flinstones, a show about Cave Dwellers with anachronistic technology. It was one of the most popular shows of it's, and indeed, any time. They belonged to Hanna Barbera. Which was bought out. You wanna know where they are now? They're cereal mascots. That's all that's left of them. No more shows, no more attempts at revivals. Just. selling. Cereal.
How the mighty have fallen.

Woody Woodpecker, Tom and Jerry and others who, with a little updating could still be relevant, but as they became part of a larger portfolio of characters, they became less important, and thus stopped beign shown without any respact at all. After all, you only get a limited number of T.V. animated shows a year, you probably don't want them to be Secret Squirrel.
A shortlived comeback

Disney is buying this characters with a rich history, and great marketing possibilities and toyism as well. I fear they may, like the ones that came before, ignore the rich histoory part and get straight to the markting and toyism part. I mean, I get that this are businesses and that they aren't here to be fair to some 60 year old scribbles. But in any case, balance in all things is better for all involved.