Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Leaked in Early Script: Battleship

Blatant prediction of G-4's success.

Hey, It's Batzarro again!

You know, even as you see me, humble amongst the normal men, the average Joes, your everyday, kinda foreign internet blogger type, I'm a pretty powerful force in the show business world. A god, even!

No, no, get up! You don't have to kneel! I need you to have healthy knees to build my temple. And besides, I'm here to bless YOU! You see, I have access to many things in my heavenly kingdom, and one of them is scripts that are either being made, or are yet to be made!

Hey, where you going? You can't just walk away from a blog! Audience, you're walking away from the Blog!

I know, I could be just another guy faking it for a few clicks. What do I look like, I.E.S.B.? Admittedly I can't confirm whether this is true or just me making junk up. So decide for yourself whether you want to believe me. So welcome to my new segment, mortals! It's called Leaked in Early Scripts!(Or to shorten it: L.i.E.S. ) where I use my ill gotten scripts to tell you about upcoming films.

Today's way too early script is for Battleship. While you may think about Battleship and say "how the hell are they going to make a film about finally figuring out your brother is lying about where his pieces are and fighting over it"? Luckily, Hasbro and Universal executives have it covered. But since they didn't have other things covered, (and outside of puppies) they HAD to give me the script's first rough draft. Blackmail at it's finest.

The Movie follow Jessica Red The U. S. Navy's highest ranked female officer. She leads A small Fleet of eponymous battleships in the year 201x. It seriously IS X. At one point a character points out he was going out with Jessica in 201y, and he "doesn't know Y they broke up".

Either way Jessica Leads her fleet to the arctic seas because they want to test a new coordinates system where a letter is longitude, and a number up to 10 is latitude. They've forgone our current coordinates system "after World War 5" because machines do most of the actual steering and comedic routines.
"I'm too old for this Ship!" Said the voice from the PA system...

As they approach the point they're supposed to be going they suddenly encounter a fleet lead by the mysterious White. The script says of him: "He's kind of a white Darth Vader". A masked individual who's a mystery to most, but Jessica knows him all too well, because he is her brother! Dun Dun DUUN!

Turns out years before, they where both in the navy, and he suffered an accident and she was kinda responsible for it, but he was left blind, and their father was killed, and she was promoted and he blamed her. So now he's come back as White, with a fleet of stealth computer guided battleships to destroy her fleet in revenge!

So they enter an impasse after he sends her a threatening message to blow up her ships, the tension ramps up. She can't see his ships because they're cloaked, and he can't really see her ships because he's blind, they can't really know what the hell to do! So Jessica starts tapping into her "Sailor Spirit" a technique her Iroquois father taught her, to try and find the ships. This leads into her seemingly guessing where the ships are, and her crew doubting her sanity.

It becomes exactly like the game, where Jessica yelling A-5 sends missiles and torpedoes in that direction.White also sends his minions, robots called "Sinkers" to board ships in Jessica's fleet. They are described as "Whatever designed can be economically turned into toys".

Her crew includes Donald, a happy-go-lucky Navy officer with an attitude and former lover of Jessica. The Script describes him as " that guy from the Street Fighter Movie, but with a Soul-patch". Apparently they had a falling out because he "couldn't trust her" which becomes important later on when Jessica puts a bunch of seagull feathers on her hair and tries to summon her "Sailor Guardian".

Also Shanoya, Jessicas BFF Sistah, who commands one of the ships on the fleet. She randomly sings Souljah Boi songs and gets incredibly furious if anyone touches her navy headgear. Also has a recurring catchphrase when her ship gets hit by subsonic charges.
"She's dressed exactly as in that TLC video"

The Climax of the film is simply amazing. White kidnaps Donald, and takes him to a missile bay ties him to a rocket, and they are both shot towards the White house! But Jessica jumps in a missile too! And the missiles get, like neck to neck, and White and Jessica start fighting in middair while she tries to change the direction away from the White house! I won't spoil it for you, but the phrase: "You sank my Battleship!" is put to good use...

Overall, a nice fast paced read that only ventures out of the source material when it is absolutely necessary. Still, the film could be less fan winks. Shanoya's surgery where she's getting metal shards removed losses impact because she decides to make a buzzing sound whenever it hurts. And President MONEYBAGS? Really? Way to spoil the ending of Monopoly, there! I haven't even read that script!
We all suck at SOMETHING. In my case, one of those things is Maniping.

Well, that's enough of my spoilers to you! But alas, you may believe I just made this up for ships and giggles. Like my father used to say: only bind velor italianizes outhumoring unbrutalizing smile prefavor astigmatizer rivalize ochered deoxidizers yet(or o.b.v.i.o.u.s.p.a.r.o.d.y. for short).

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sudden blindess strikes the Net again!

Monday, September 21, 2009

5 properties that shouldN't have had cartoons(but still did)

So...remember when you tried to force me into marriage?Me neither!

Hey, I understand. Children are essentially living loopholes for their parents money. Whether it's selling them impromptu Ice Cream or shilling out yet another version of the Nintendo DS, children are the Achilles Heels of the economic stability of adults. And I should know. I was a child once.
Makes sense. There are aliens and the shooting of them. Go on!

But there's a point when, at the entertainment industry, where people must wonder: will children REALLY buy this? While it's easy to underestimate the little-uns, there are lines that being crossed, and their normally dormant good taste senses are awoken.
He's a has BEAN!

The following franchises crossed that line. They should not have been made into cartoons for children. And in a fair world they wouldn't have.
Fatality!!! Except not really!
But this isn't a fair world is it?

5)Mr T
Mr T is a man of deep thoughts. Foo'!

What's the franchise?
Mr T, human catch-phrase cannon.

So it's a bit of a softball, I know. Mr T was a well into being merchandised by the time this show came to be. Heck, he'd already had been in The A-Team animated series. What more could they do?
So how did they adapt it for kids?
Well, for one, put Mr T with a bunch of gymnasts. I mean, Rambo fot teamed up with some GIJoe wannabes and Chuck Norris with a Sumo wrestler. But Mr T had a bunch of kids on white leotards. The Sky Dancers could kick their asses.

Also, it looks like a 60's cartoon featuring an 80's icon. I mean, kids like dated animation, right?
4) Ace Ventura
So he's like Wolverine, but instead of cloggin comic covers, he finds dogs.

What's the franchise?
A Jim Carrey film franchise where he once dropped a transexual's pants. Yes, way before the dark one entered our world, attempts to sell your kids ass ventriloquism already existed.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
My taking animal names litterally. Because bald eagles that are bald are funny.

This one suffered by the adaptation meme syndrome, where in order to capture the spirit of the film, they repeat moments of th film in every chapter. So every episode, inevitably, Ace would call someone a "looooooser" talk with his butt, catch something with his mouth, etc. It's not like the Karate Kid cartoon had Daniel-San learning to fight by cleaning each episode, right? NO, really, do tell, I can't remember.

3)Bubsy the Bobcat
The subject shows a distinct lack of originality! Add more puns!

What's the franchise?
Sonic Clone number 22324889A-70. Laboratory transcripts say he "lasted more than most, more than he should, and less than Crash Bandicoot"and that "the third dimension finally did him in".
So how did they adapt it for kids?
More transcripts:" And we where so close, too! We even began the process of genetic duplication of the cartoon! But the DNA samples we took where broken, because they where based on the more retarded version of animated Sonic, and the resources we have for scripting are appallingly poor. Hopefully, if this goes beyond pilot we'll get at least a good catchphrase."

What could possibly go wrong indeed.

2)Police Academy
My comment couldn't make something Police Academy related funny.

What's the franchise?
A frat boy comedy series where the frat boys are also supposed to uphold the law. Specifically, this is seemingly based on the 4rth film where they added the "citizens on patrol" characters, if you care about Police Academy continuity.

So how did they adapt it for kids?
Singing and rap. In every single maligned episode.

Every chase was punctuated by a "Fat Boy Raps" that would forever haunt your memory and leave you a broken shivering mess. It's a sad state of affairs when you are forced to use phrases like "I wish it where more like Police Academy". But such it is in this cartoon.

1)Free Willy
Tekken has upped the ante on air juggles and animal characters.

What's the franchise?
A series of films about a boy who really likes an Orca whale, with a title that invokes putting spit in peoples ears.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
How didn't they? The first episode has the kid suddenly realizing he can talk to Willy and other sea mammals, including Einstein the Dolphin and a Seal, who are friends of Willy. This is the human equivalent of you being friends with a Grill Cheese and a Burrito.

Then, make it more faux nature conscious, but ignore everything like facts. Like here, where a seemingly evil squid with a beak skims across the surface of the water to try and kill an Orca Whale. I mean, if you want to be all touchy feely about nature, you might as well be accurate.

Add a cyborg villain who really has it in for Willy for his condition and would go to any Captain Planet's villain-esque lenght to kill it. If it seems referency to Captain Ahab, of Moby Dick lore, Ahab was quite straightforward with his plan: Spear the damn thing! No slime minions. no mutant octopusses, no DDT. Stab it, like they do to 1000's of other marine animals each year!

In short, this cartoon had to be stretched so far beyond the basic levels that movie had that it boggles the mind why would they even bother making it about the film. But it's the essence of my argument: If played straight as a cartoon version of the series, it would fail as well. The world's children did not need a cartoon based on Free Willy. So who's this for?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Countdown Clocks, Cats Countdowns at

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Atheists and Logic: A rant

First of all, I want to open up this by saying: Yes, I am a Christian. one of 1.5 Billions. Yes I believe that a being who's nature is mysterious created existence and us, and that he sent a being who may have been his Son to save our immortal souls.

Do I HAVE to? Drag Yourself!

Thing is, I rarely bring this up. This is because a) I suck at convincing people of things and b) because I've come to realize that there is a whole world out there full of people who don't agree with me,who are ethically, ethnically, socially, mentally, and spiritually different from me.. And that's okay. If people approach me about my beliefs, we'll talk. Otherwise you can go on being yourself, because the salvation of your soul isn't on me. As I entered the global culture of the internet, though I noted a strange, thought. It's that, what in real life might be a guy in a Megaphone yelling at you for wearing hotpants(in the tropics, yeah, I see no reason WHY anyone would want to wear little clothing.) In the internet has become a big old angry atheist unpromptedly saying that there is no God and you're a Retard.Try it. Look at the comment pages of anything on Youtube that's slightly faith related. Or maybe it's not at all. Otherwise, you'll see what I'm talking about.
How does a guy who hates religions end up at a Prince of Egypt Youtube vid?

But that's just Youtube, right, where comments range from rants to "Lolwut". Except that other sites have that same kind of trolling behavior. You don't believe? Then get a load of KillJeebus.

"Oh no, my child might start beLIEving in the WRONG Invisible Man in the Sky
As an Atheist, I find this funny. Oh nooooes, my child has been exposed. Jebus! Jebus....SAVE my child.

All religion and ALL doG's are MANMADE. Everything we know about every single doG or doG's have been told to us by other HUMANS.

Someday, the world will wake up and realize that we live on a "pale, blue dot" in a sea of blackness and fighting over who's doG is better than another's doG is useless and a waste of time.

Except of course the ONE TRUE OMNIPOTENT ONE....His Noodlyness the
Flying Spaghetti Monster. HE is the one, the only TRUE GOD, and your only hope of salvation!!!

Come brothers and sisters, be touched by his Noodly Appendage and find peace with fellow Pastafarians at the base of the Beer Volcano next to the Stripper Factory.

RAmen "
That's telling us!

Killjeebus(Note the Simpsons reffrence, even though a) Simpsons' God seems to quite often exist in their canon and B) after Homer claims to not believe in "Jeebus" he turns around and ASKS FOR HIS HELP!) is a user of engadget forums, mosly Joystiq. Whenever anything slightly religion related apears he's there, to make sure to remind us how much thinking differently than him makes us suck. Not even in a graceful way either, but like the most retarded wordings and turns of phrase. Yeah doGs instead of gods, thanks, killy, you're super witty and charming. I am abandoning my beliefs, because while looking for info on video games somebody wrote a bunch of mean-spirited words. You ar not enlightened and you are not South Park funny.

And that's where we arrive at the heart of my argument. Atheists, I'm addressing you directly and in no uncertain terms.

Let's get some enlightened Trash talking here!

We Do have our disagreements, and that's unlikely to change. However, you run on a platform of logic, scientific reason, and research. And my request to you will not be made in the name of the faith, but in the name of logic. I'm asking that you play by the very rules you want others to play.

Do you REALLY believe acting like acid spitting cobras has ever convinced anyone? Being that we're the emotional ones and you're the rational ones, what part of "you are stupid" convincing anyone is rational? Has that ever worked? "Oh, yeah, buy this car asshole, or stay retarded." If you can't have simple human civility and respect for others then you probably aren't all that strong in your conviction. That is, you should not be haranguing people about it, bcause you are not a serious person.

Also, if we humans are devoid of souls, and are only animals, albeit social and smart animals, that means we only live to perceive, then die into nothingness. That gives at most 100 years(haha, not with today's food!) to live. What is rational about using any of that time to try and get people to agree with you by harassing them? Dude, you're probably half dead already. Go get an atheist sandwich and an orgy, there's no time! And after that you die. All your possessions, all your argument, and whatever mark you left onthe world, it won't matter. You'll still be dead. And in any case, wouldn't having the knoweledge that God doesn't exist make you more powerful (because knoweledge is power), therefore it behooves you to convince as many people as possible that there IS a God? Because that would be good for you, and then, what reason is there to help others?
Yes, I only know the quote because of Mortal Kombat.

Finally, some of you feel that Religion has cause every problem in existence, and that it's disappearance will solve all of them. Wrong and Wrong. Religion is just another flavor of leadership. In reality wars happen because groups(which might be defined by their religion or other factors, such as nationality or history) are lead by people. People usually like power. Having the resources of a land gives you power. So War! For example, the war in Palestine. Is it a coincidence that two groups claim belings to them also happens to be a SWEET SPOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT? No, it is not. If you think otherwise, well that's stupider than believing the world is 6000 years old. It's simple sociology, and if you don't know this, you are way behind on the atheist race! Get to reading!

People kill people because they are people: They're petty, they're mean and they're self righteous. Even if you eliminate religion from the equation, you'd still be dealing with a heterogeneous bunch of ethnies, cultures, and beliefs. And you'd still have leaders, who are still petty, mean and self righteous. Or am I wrong here? I can't know more about this stuff than you!

And much in the same way alchemy didn't bring us golden puppies, but ended up bringing us other advancements, Religion, even if it where not an actual solution or be even close to the truth, HAS brought some good into the world and would continue to do so. The kinds of ethical imperatives brought forth by faiths have lead into laws, which lead into law enforcement, which is the thing that usually keeps your creepy neighbor from entering your house and raping you. I would suggest keeping Religions around. You may not agree with them. Hell I don't agree with MOST of them. But they aren't badder than any other organized anything. Certainly not worse than organized Child traffickers and they don't get nearly as much grief from you. If you must attack religions, the least you could do is have some continuity with why you don't like about it and be unlike what you consider them. For otherwise, you're no better than the zealots you disagree with. A preacher with no message. A Bible thumper with no bible. A tree with no fruit.