Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Leaked in Early Script: Battleship

Blatant prediction of G-4's success.

Hey, It's Batzarro again!

You know, even as you see me, humble amongst the normal men, the average Joes, your everyday, kinda foreign internet blogger type, I'm a pretty powerful force in the show business world. A god, even!

No, no, get up! You don't have to kneel! I need you to have healthy knees to build my temple. And besides, I'm here to bless YOU! You see, I have access to many things in my heavenly kingdom, and one of them is scripts that are either being made, or are yet to be made!

Hey, where you going? You can't just walk away from a blog! Audience, you're walking away from the Blog!

I know, I could be just another guy faking it for a few clicks. What do I look like, I.E.S.B.? Admittedly I can't confirm whether this is true or just me making junk up. So decide for yourself whether you want to believe me. So welcome to my new segment, mortals! It's called Leaked in Early Scripts!(Or to shorten it: L.i.E.S. ) where I use my ill gotten scripts to tell you about upcoming films.

Today's way too early script is for Battleship. While you may think about Battleship and say "how the hell are they going to make a film about finally figuring out your brother is lying about where his pieces are and fighting over it"? Luckily, Hasbro and Universal executives have it covered. But since they didn't have other things covered, (and outside of puppies) they HAD to give me the script's first rough draft. Blackmail at it's finest.

The Movie follow Jessica Red The U. S. Navy's highest ranked female officer. She leads A small Fleet of eponymous battleships in the year 201x. It seriously IS X. At one point a character points out he was going out with Jessica in 201y, and he "doesn't know Y they broke up".

Either way Jessica Leads her fleet to the arctic seas because they want to test a new coordinates system where a letter is longitude, and a number up to 10 is latitude. They've forgone our current coordinates system "after World War 5" because machines do most of the actual steering and comedic routines.
"I'm too old for this Ship!" Said the voice from the PA system...

As they approach the point they're supposed to be going they suddenly encounter a fleet lead by the mysterious White. The script says of him: "He's kind of a white Darth Vader". A masked individual who's a mystery to most, but Jessica knows him all too well, because he is her brother! Dun Dun DUUN!

Turns out years before, they where both in the navy, and he suffered an accident and she was kinda responsible for it, but he was left blind, and their father was killed, and she was promoted and he blamed her. So now he's come back as White, with a fleet of stealth computer guided battleships to destroy her fleet in revenge!

So they enter an impasse after he sends her a threatening message to blow up her ships, the tension ramps up. She can't see his ships because they're cloaked, and he can't really see her ships because he's blind, they can't really know what the hell to do! So Jessica starts tapping into her "Sailor Spirit" a technique her Iroquois father taught her, to try and find the ships. This leads into her seemingly guessing where the ships are, and her crew doubting her sanity.

It becomes exactly like the game, where Jessica yelling A-5 sends missiles and torpedoes in that direction.White also sends his minions, robots called "Sinkers" to board ships in Jessica's fleet. They are described as "Whatever designed can be economically turned into toys".

Her crew includes Donald, a happy-go-lucky Navy officer with an attitude and former lover of Jessica. The Script describes him as " that guy from the Street Fighter Movie, but with a Soul-patch". Apparently they had a falling out because he "couldn't trust her" which becomes important later on when Jessica puts a bunch of seagull feathers on her hair and tries to summon her "Sailor Guardian".

Also Shanoya, Jessicas BFF Sistah, who commands one of the ships on the fleet. She randomly sings Souljah Boi songs and gets incredibly furious if anyone touches her navy headgear. Also has a recurring catchphrase when her ship gets hit by subsonic charges.
"She's dressed exactly as in that TLC video"

The Climax of the film is simply amazing. White kidnaps Donald, and takes him to a missile bay ties him to a rocket, and they are both shot towards the White house! But Jessica jumps in a missile too! And the missiles get, like neck to neck, and White and Jessica start fighting in middair while she tries to change the direction away from the White house! I won't spoil it for you, but the phrase: "You sank my Battleship!" is put to good use...

Overall, a nice fast paced read that only ventures out of the source material when it is absolutely necessary. Still, the film could be less fan winks. Shanoya's surgery where she's getting metal shards removed losses impact because she decides to make a buzzing sound whenever it hurts. And President MONEYBAGS? Really? Way to spoil the ending of Monopoly, there! I haven't even read that script!
We all suck at SOMETHING. In my case, one of those things is Maniping.

Well, that's enough of my spoilers to you! But alas, you may believe I just made this up for ships and giggles. Like my father used to say: only bind velor italianizes outhumoring unbrutalizing smile prefavor astigmatizer rivalize ochered deoxidizers yet(or o.b.v.i.o.u.s.p.a.r.o.d.y. for short).


  1. When I heard the 'Battleship' movie would involve aliens, I made up this parody box cover: