Thursday, December 30, 2010

5 parts of the Book of Exoddus that never make it into movies

You want some? Come get some!

Movies about the Bible have been done to death( and ressurection). Built in audience aside, this stories are often ripe for adaptations, full of good, evil and interpretation of both. And probably none more so than Exodus.

You know this story. A group of people are slaves in a foreign land, until  one of them becomes  part of the ruling class by accident. Eventually, the oppression of his people becomes too much for him and he decides to help them out, leading them to the only good land in a really shitty desert region  promised land..
Swampy isn't holy.

But not all parts of this story are iconic enough to be made believable as films, no matter how much Charlton Heston is Moses and Ralph Fiennes is Pharaoh. Some of them are straight up unadaptable. Such as...

5 God was trolling the Israelites
 So Moses shows up and tries to convince Pharaoh to let his people go after 3 or  4 plagues. And Pharaoh's got half a mind to let them go, too. And wouldn't you? How many frogs would you need in your house to convince you to higher powers are in the works?

But then God had to intervene. scripture says he "Hardened Pharaoh's Heart" so he would not let the Israelites go.
This is what it looked like on the animated version

God's motives are unclear. What is clear is that Old Testament God wanted this to play out exactly like it did.Obviously, in a movie, you can't have  God in a movie telling you on  one half to struggle for freedom, and on the other half making it difficult. It's like Arnie giving Predator weapons.

4 Moses had a speech impediment
I think we can safely say that if Moses was a real  man, he probably looked nothing like the movies would portray him to be. The Bible tells us nothing of his looks, and we are left to speculate how awesome his beard is.


But we can know, though, that  Moses had trouble talking. When God shows up to him as a burning bush and tells Moses to go free his people, Moses replies back that he can't talk for shit.

Less Awesome, somewhat.
We don't know if it was a stutter, or stage fright or didn't know the language. Maybe He had aspergers. I don't think he's lying, though, because he is later assisted in talking publicly by his brother Aaron. Which is why this won't make it into movies. Moses has to be the star, and he can't be if Aaron is the one who gets to say the cool things.

3 Moses stuffed the idol  down the Israelites throats
Moses came from a mountain where he had just died from seeing God, and man, he probably felt great. And God had given him this awesome stone tablets with commandments for a better life. A better world. It's hard to ruin a day like that, but the Israelites totally did.

When Moses came back, shit had degenerated to Courtney Love levels. Every kind of sin on the tablets was happening especially idolaty of golden statues. I think at this point Moses realized it the hard part WASN'T done, and he was going to have to deal with gold idols for a long time.

You may have heard Moses crushed the tablets of the law in anger. What you may not have heard is that he fed the gold idol it into a soup and fed it to his fellow desert-dwellers.

I don't think anyone would want to see Israelites eat grounded gold. I'm sure that has some symbolism of some sort, but hey, way the economy is going, maybe we soon oughta make and eat some Idols.

2 Moses Wasn't allowed to get to get to the promised land

After a talking to and a  nice dinner as seen above, it was well time the Israelites got to wander the desert for 40 years until they found the promised land. And they all got there. All of them except for Moses.

See, Moses I think by this point, had built some rage. God told him to speak to a rock to make water, but instead hit it with his staff.

That was a no-no.  So God told him if he was gonna rage, he better GTFO.
Not gonna see this on film. Because  this as an ending would have Mist like proportions. Think about it: escape assasination at birth, grow up royal, give up royalty to free your people, successfully free them, part the seas, look at Yahweh's face...then he kinda fucked it all up because he woke up angry that day
1 God wanted a do-over

It really happened. God wanted to kill everyone of His people, but Moses convinced him his street cred was at stake.

'Course, Mose's idea for the situation wasn't entirely peace and love, either.

See, this is what kills it. Most movies have pretty clear cut heroes. The idea that the one who is liberating you is willing to kill you off if you cross him is hard to sell on an movie. But you can't make an omelet without wiping a few eggshells from the book of life, right? So maybe the next 4 hour long epic film about the good book will have a little less characterizing, and a lot more Old Testament God fury.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Throw the books out!

Ancient man,  having an homosexual old time

Folks I have spoken on Atheism and Faith before. What I haven't written is that I don't believe these two are mutually exclusive.

I have never understood the debates. Is man's origin something that comes up all the time in our daily life? Is being wrong, or right, about the creation of all the universe an important factor in our daily lives? Is there gonna be a quiz.

And yet, this seems like a a life or death matter in the old Christian/Atheist(it never seems to be any other Faith umbrella) debate. The creation space race has many who are already sure we all evolved from so and so or where created by X or Y. When the fact is we don't know.

No we fucking don't . You don't know. We don't know. We believe, assume, guess, hypothesis. But knowledge, the kind of actual knowledge you can stick your finger into, frankly alludes us.

But despite my belief in a higher power, I am a man who is interested by science. But then, I think science is  as faulty as anything we can try and do.

For some in the Atheist community, science is their friend, who backs them up whenever mean old spiritual belief shows up it's nose. I can't hold it against you. But when your own scientist contradicts your assumptions, Atheists, own up.

Hey, I know what it's like to hold fast to your beliefs because they are YOURS. But if  building shows up and it's older that what you keep saying is our oldest civilization, own up to it. If  a tooth  that really looks like a modern man's is dated  to before what you claim is, then own up. It's not about us having crazy beliefs. Since you are the ones driven by logic and reason, apparently, you have to explain why everything you believed is wrong. Then Throw the books out.
Even hunter gatherers need hobbies

Now I'm not saying replace them with the Bible, noo. But if we're a couple thousand years older than we believe, then why fight it.  Admit it. Admit we don't know. Find a new theory. Write some new books.  Saying you know something or sure isn't up your speed. That's OUR thing.

If we keep theories around just because all our other theories  and research are based on those, it's a great discervice to  everyone involved. Or else, stick some aliens in there. That's always fun.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

What a year! A roundup

If it has a link to show it on Imageshack, it's mine!

The New Year is almost upon us! A time to reminisce about what we did right and wrong. I am no exception.

I brought you L.I.E.S, L.I.E.S and L.I.E.S , about Marvel vs Capcom 3.

We discussed, Bestialism and Mechanofilliac Threesomes in Kids cartoons.
Kinky shit.

I found out Harry Potter is all about Lesbian Rape.
Ms Lovitt Meat Pie joke goes here >  <

I discovered Bioware's deep, dark Secret.
Search your feelings, you know this to be true...

And I pwoned some racists.

What did you do? Apparently you wanted to know who I think should star in a Banjo Kazooie movie.

You wanted me to take some generic Viagra and wrote crap in chinese.

You copied my Topless Robot comments.

You ignored my idea for a Wonder Woman Anime.

And you taught me that we're all equally genocidal maniacs.
Ja we can ve serious, Comrade Public Domain!

So what can you expect from his blog in the new year? I will discuss conspiracy theories, Moses, I will return to making fun of people's art and finally decide which is better between Anime and Western Animation. Happy new Year! And remember...
He's filing for divorce, and he's taking the children.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Feliz Navidad, you perverts!

Friday, December 24, 2010

A History of Puerto Rico for Gringos

The more-tax-obsessed-Encyclopedia!

I have not been able to post much because I have been scouting images for a  educational film. The film regards the history of the United States, and the images had to be public domain. So no matter what I was searching for, the war o 1820, Benjamin Franklin, or Sputink, I came upon the same damn images over again. America, I don't want to look at your political cartoons anymore. I don't care if you think Obama is a mixture of Hitler, Stalin and Heath Ledger's Joker. I just want to find images of Eleanor  Roosevelt talking!
Public Domain images of Eleanor Roosevelt. How's that feel, now?

But my contact with America's political viewpoints isn't all a waste of time. I came upon this site I had heard about Conservapedia. I don't know if that's supposed to mean "Serving Corporate interests" ipedia. Like I said, I'm fairly confused by my search.

Still, I wanted to see a conservative take on my homeland of Puerto Rico. I mean, surely there's something to say on our status, our history our...

No. It's a meager School Report length discussion that ends somewhere before Puerto Rico became a territory of the U.S.

This is unacceptable! Is the conservative idea of us that the last 100 years of our history didn't happen?
I'll give you a C if you work in the last century!

So, here's the lowdown on our history, BGEver style.

Spain was feeling pretty fine. It had just just kicked major Moor ass and reclaimed it's land after many decades. So they decided, "Hey, now that we're the world's largest superpower, let's start sending ships and shit over the ocean."

So they arrive at the island. And it's full of brown people and gold.  But gold prospection is haaaaard, and besides, in Spain they have brown people to do that shit. So they killed two birds with one stone by enslaving the brown people to fish for gold. Preety sneaky, huh?
Spain! Without love! Spain! Can't get enough!

The natives played along because they totally thought they where dealing with the gods here. But after one of the gods failed at not being killed by them, it became clear some motherfuckers needed to be clubbed.

The Wars went on for a bit, with natives from other islands joining. But Spain had guns, and also had diseases the Natives weren't prepared for.

Most natives where killed, or had children with the Spaniards. Because, hey, if a green man showed up today, I bet all you ladies would be throwing panties at him.
He's a ladykiller. Seriously, ladies, get away from him.

So Spain took all the gold and all the hot bitches. But the Island was still good for growing veggies and for flipping the finger to the Dutch. But somebody had to harvest the crops and build the forts and that's booooooring. So they brought African slaves to do the hard part for them.
Spaniard. Just saying.

Eventually, all the hot Spaniard on native on  African sex lead to a unique culture. This people came to be known as criollos.

The Criollos had a strained relationship with Spain, because they didn't care  about  them, like at all. Eventually, the locals brewed up a strike against the man, for freedom.

Then they died. They where being spied, they had their weapons intercepted. They had no chance, but I guess they would rather die than to hold up the revolution another day.

Eventually, Spain started giving concessions, and they even had a an autonomy granting  bill in the works.

This is the part where you come in.

Apparently you had some beef with Spain because of Cuba or something. Or maybe needed to sell newspapers. Point is, the Hispanoamerican wars happened.

Remember those, Conservapedia? When the American Government  went to war with Spain to liberate Cuba, and ended up with Puerto Rico as War bounty? Well, you can add that to the page about Puerto Rico.
Julien K and Linkin Park did the soundtrack?

So then there was the military government, then the guys that rebeled against that, and when you shot radiation into their dicks, when you tried to teach us  english  when our soldiers helped out in your asian War, and when they didn't want to fight defending rocks, and when your doctor gave our women cancer, and then you gave him a time magazine  cover? Or the time some of our guys shot up your senate, or when they protested the military base?

And Puerto Rican people thought their salvation was at hand! Turns out it was just 50 plus years of unilateral government with prechosen leaders, then they instituted us as a 'Estado Libre Asociado' and we spent the next 50 years arguing over something we have no say in.

No, I am not bitter. But it's been 100 years, guys. Acknowledgment isn't too much to demand, right?

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Thor controversy: How retarded should you get about it.

I regret my involvement in the Million Machine March now...

See, everybody is throwing a fuzz over this group that feels that casting a black guy in the Thor film is an attack on their white Anglo-Saxon heritage. I'ma let you catch up on that.

And now you're thinking to yourself: " How much of my higher thought functions should I lose over this? Do I go into fight or flight mode or just start limply slapping myself? "Don't worry, old Batz is here for you. Full disclosure: look at my profile pic. That's it. Soak in the Rican-ness!

First off, not too much. The group itself, well, it's a recognized hate group, with roots going back to pro segregationists.What was everyone expecting from acknowledged racists? Lemon trees don't grow pears, no matter how many black men you lynch under them.

But what about their argument? Maybe they have a point. Maybe we should listen to them.

Well, I have some points to make as well, so let's take it up.

  • Argument: Marvel is clearly an anti-white, racist group.

Marvel has shown it's particularly interested in bringing in one color to theaters: green.

Marvel's has dabbled on both sides of the issue, and it's always been about money. If you think Marvel  cast  Idris Elba because it was pressured, it was: Pressure to bring in some of that "Urban demographic" alright.
This is Marvel's first African American characters. Apology accepted, jerks.

Apparently African Americans are more likely to see a film if it has black people, or so the logic of the marketing machine goes. And then the same applies to action figures, video-games, cartoons. And action figures like "That one black guy in the background who cheered for Thor"  don't sell too well.

There is no social engineering involved. It's simply one of a multitude of changes made to the source material in order to make as much money as it can from multitudes of products it'll probably have. If you're gonna claim Marvel  has secret society changing plans, at least go full crazy and say Marvel is run  by Jews who are really shapeshifting reptiles from space.That's always fun to hear.

  • But you guys complain when they changed the Avatar, Dragonball, and Chun Li! Hypocrites!
First off: there is no "us guys". I always remained steadfast that aliens, and people of no real earth origin are okay to change. And Chun Li was at least half Asian, and I remained steadfast that half is enough. As long as the movies are good. Which, they, erm...weren't.

But comparisons to this are ridiculous.

See, look at the Thor poster.

See? Mostly black!

You see Hymendall in there? No?

Now try to find Chun Li, and the Last Airbender in these posters.

You may be amazed to find that the Thor Movie is about Thor, and the Avatar movie is about Aang, the last of the Airbenders.

This makes it completely different. Hiddenspell is a Thor SUPPORTING character, which means he'll probably talk to Thor some, help him out, and likely be dead by the end of it. Are there fans of  Takeahyke who wanted to see a Thor movie badly just waiting for this one guy from Thor comics, and is it a dealbreaker for them when the guy is black? I mean, the movie seems to have successfully adapted a lot of the other Supporting cast.

Whereas Airbender cause a huge stink because they where apparently going out of their way to not cast  Asian kids in the lead. And look, as much as I disagree with them, they have a point: It's not like they cast the best and brightest or the most famous. They casted assly after mostly rejecting minorities.

pro-minority groups like the ones involved don't consider "talks to the white guy about life, takes a bullet to the chest' a goal to strive for anymore. Why should pro-white groups do?

And besides, they totally did it. They changed those Asians to Whites, They even took, very real life Asians and made them Kevin Spacey, outrage or no. Can you not get the message? THEY DON'T CARE EITHER WAY! Shit is gonna get changed! Heimlichgal is now black! Prospero becomes Prospera! Jane Austen books now have zombies! Try and keep up!
  • But this is an attack on my heritage and/or belief system!
Then it was before they cast Hydrothunder. See, this movie is based not on the real Norse myths, but on Marvel's loose, loose adaptation of it. By the time got  to the movies it had no chance.

For once, very few actual Norse are in this. I mean, if we're shooting for authentic Norse experience(and remember, we're actually shooting for licensing deals of underwear and toys) white guys from Australia, north America and England just won't do! And they speak in English, too!

I mean, I saw no one offended by this year's Clash of the Titans! And Greeks are, as the birthstones of Western civilization, essentially all our ancestors, if only in culture. But that was a remake of an old movie that itself was inaccurate, and so is this. Not that anyone gives a fuck as long as Russel Crow gets to stab shit with a gladius.

For God's sake, the Norse gods in this movie are multidimensional aliens wearing strange armor and pants! Is there any doubt this isn't a rune brought to life? I hope you guys don't stay awake at night wondering why people say your main gripe is derived from racial prejudice!

Look, do get it. We're nerds. You want it to be exactly like the comic/cartoon/game/book, because you're invested in it. And whether it is faux Shakespearean techno vikings or fratricide, transforming robots, you care about it transitioning intact into the movie fold. And just because I'm open to Rosario Dawson playing Lois Lane doesn't mean I'm not gonna watch it if she's cast white.

But this group behind the site is not run by fans. They  don't care about the integrity of the source material or anything. They are just plain racists masquerading behind the accuracy facade to spit venom. I can tell the difference between real indignation and feigned indignation.

So in essence, get retarded. Because tomorrow this ridiculousness will join  in a long line of stupid controversies we let live for a little bit, then ignored into oblivion once we had our fun.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

This summer...

Merry Christmas!

Monday, November 29, 2010

A neophyte's view of The Deadly Hallows

Not if money has any say in the matter!

Now, look, I'm no stranger to bandwagons. I did The Turtles, The Rangers, The Pokemon and even a spot of the Nu Metal. But I never did get into the whole Harry Potter thing.

Why? I don't know. Medieval Europe myths where never that interesting to me, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I never let go of when they said it was Satanic, like seven scapegoats ago. Or maybe it's because I had to read. I like reading but games give me so much and demand so little.

So yesterday, some family members wanted to see the  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I wasn't gonna be all "Let's watch Tangled instead". SO I ventured forth and watched it, my only knowledge being half the first film(kinda not paying attention, I changed the channel when they fought Shrek), what you might read on Cinematical, and My Immortal.

And that's insane! Imagine if I'd gone into Final Fantasy on the 7th entry! How would I know which effeminate man to like? Or Police Academy! Would I know about Harris' plight to bring down inefficiency in the force? Or what about Tony Hawk? How would I know Activision likes money?

So I took my first serious step into being a life Journal artist of fanarts most illegal, and watched it.

The movie opens with this pale dude, all cross eyed, giving his "won't go quietly into the night" speech. Wattaminnit, hold he hell up? What's going on? There's some crisis, and bad  whether and looks like a lot of British people are getting foreclosed. One girl even erases her pictures, so they won't know  to find her and ruin her credit! Is it the Apocalypse?

Then I think we follow one of the bad guys, who is too cool to use the Hall of Doom's front gate, but not badass enough to burst through the window. He arrives at a big table, where all the bad guys are having a brainstorming session. It seems they recently took over...something and are happy, but are worried about the titular Boy Wizard sticking his  nose into their business. Then Tim Burton's wife get's all excited like she totally knows the answer to this one and the teacher should let her talk and she KNOW IT(it's Quebec) and she's shooting for that gold star.

Seriously, Tim Burton's wife is in this? She must have heard there was a role for a pale, crazy woman with unkempt hair, and auditioned her ass of. Her raw, pale, unkempt ass.

So, she wants to kill Harry Potter. But only the ugliest man in the table can do it. It's this guy who didn't quite make it to full snake. At least Mongooses aren't a problem.

The boardroom is not appropriate place to cast "Fart".

So he's like " I gotta kill Harry Potter" and everyone's like "you go girl!" and he's like " So lend me your wands" and they're all "Shit!". It's not a toothbrush, guys. Break the leg off a table, you're magic. But sure enough, once one of them lends him his wand, he rips off it's sweet Dragon handle. Nice going, Cobra Commander. You may be the Antichrist, but you still have to respect the other people's property.
The working title was "Evil Ancient lizard-man by nature".

So all the good guys, they get into Harry Potter's house, and they all transform in him to get him to safety, while they take magic missiles up their asses meant for him. See, he's the One.

Kickus, Facia!

No, he's the Chosen One. But he's not the chosen one in a way that means he's untouchable, like Neo from the Matrix. He's more  like the Pope, since he's chosen and then you gotta pamper his ass 24/7.

So they have a crazy chase scene until they get to a farm, which is safe's not. I think the evil spirits, dark forces, and flying magicians kinda just called for a break. Most of Potter Cosplayers make it, but for one guy who was betrayed by another called after a Puertorican dish.
 Delicious, Backstabbing Bastard!

So, having narrowly escaped evil they go on with a wedding they where planning. Erm...guys, I think Satan is kinda feeding your teachers to snakes. Maybe you could hold off the wedding until we sort it out? I mean what if bad guys attack during it?

So bad guys attack during the wedding. And you can't fucking blame them. It's like a slap on the face of their new world order! The world is in danger and you guys are worried about marriage? What are you, Democrats?

So our three heroes, Harry Potter, Unhappy girl, and Dead Weight start their world zapping adventure to find and destroy the one... of 4 hexagon things that apparently you have to destroy to beat old scratch. Meanwhile, in wherever it is they where in, Nazis and kindly looking ladies have taken over, and are taking non-magicals to the gas chambers. And apparently we're Final Fantasy characters.

First the came for the Chocobo, and I said nothing...

Not kidding about the Nazis. A variant amount of red armbands and missing Third Reich  insignia doesn't mean you aren't Nazis. It's like the most obvious Nazi stand in s ever!

Which I guess makes our villain Serpentor?

Also, Dead Weight begins to feel  resentful and jealous and leaves, but he comes back in time to be somewhat useful. But only because Harry would rather jump into a frozen river to recover a trinket than tell a girl to help him.

So they learns from this animation sequence that they need to find this Superwand made by Death itself, and Potter's old mentor hid it, but then Nightwish catches them, and takes them to Tim Burton's wife, who locks the two boys the cellar so she can rape the girl.
Now I get it why this franchise is popular...

Though this annoying suck up Gollum vomit that has been hounding the movie shows up and unlocks the doors. They get into a fight with Ms. Burton, and eventually they Teleport away, but not before Ms. Lovitt Ninja's up the little CG creature with her  Bullet time knife.

Then Snake-Man finds the hidden Superwand, which Potter's Mentor cleverly hid ON HIS HANDS, IN HIS MAUSOLEUM! CAN YOU AT LEAST MAKE THE BAD GUYS DIG? Can you at least rot a little so they vomit in their mouths?  Content in this, the villain shoots lighting  out of his wood stick to tickle god in the nads.To be continued.

Or at least that's what I thought it was that happened...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Strange Love

I will use this image every time I can.

Folks, I like most adults, understand that love and sex are a natural part of the human social dynamics. And like most adults, I have no real employment and watch way too many cartoons.

Which is why I must find the recent developments in Cartoon Networks animations a tad disturbing. No, I'm not a prude, but read on and see if this doesn't deviate far and away from what we call normal.

First of in line for a talking to is Symbionic Titan, Genddy Tartakovsky's  take on the giant robot vs monster genre. Her His Super Sentai to the Powerpuff Girl's Sailor moon, if you will. The show follows Two teens and a shape-shifting robot from another planet who are, very poorly if I may add, hiding from the villain who took over their planet.
The Titular Titan, choking the hell out of his dragon.

The Shape-shifting Robot is our concern. As part of our heroes facade of pretending to be  average kids from the neighborhood, they enroll in school.I don't know why pretending to be school kids is better than pretending to be  dropouts, but whatever. Hey, you gotta do something to forget the military coup of you entire planet, the enslavement of your people, and that your own father is getting tortured in ways the Geneva convention never even imagined.. Our robot friend passes of as a fat nerd type with glasses called Newton, and occasionally the other kid's legal guardian.

In the episode "Lessons in Love", the Robot, under the guise of Newton, decides to help local cheerleader ditz  Kimmy with her math exams because figuring out new an better was to protect his human compatriots isn't high into the priority queue.

And if you think this two will hit it off, you might just be right.

At first it begins in that dynamic where you're trying to get someone else to do an assignment for you, and that person stubbornly wants you to learn. Instead of you and your mom, though, it's a robot and a cheerleader, and instead of just moaning and begging, this happens:
Why was I born in the 80s?

Yes, our heroine tries to seduce a nerd into doing her math test for her by shaking her ass to the tune of a made up Hip Hop song with terms like "Booty Queen" and "Turn it aroooound". This really did happen in a Cartoon Network show that is not in the Adult Swim lineup.

In typical cartoon fashion, he teaches her she doesn't HAVE to be dumb because she's a cheerleader, and she seems to fall in love. I didn't see the whole ep, but by the end of the ep, she's holding hands with our lovably emontionless robot.

Say, what is the robot's other form again?

Nancy Grace is still trying to  find where he put the body.

Yes, a balding, middle aged man. Who, by the way, has also the affections of the Jamie Lee Curtis looking neighbor.

^ A pattern emerges...
I mean, I know we live in an age where two or more consenting adults can do whatever they want, as long as it's homosexualism and not something like incest, which is gross, immoral, unnatural and wrong. But the idea of an assman robot putting the moves on a teenager while having an affair with a cougar is something we can all agree is at least theoretically creepy. Is Newton going to show affection for Kimmy while disguised as an old man?Who can he turn to for advise? HE is the house's father figure, and the house's computer as well.

It's kid's show today, man! All trying to push the envelop. I remember Scooby Doo wasn't all that concerned with booty or how the characters related to each other. Now we have a Scooby Doo show called Mystery Inc. that is actively trying to ruin that with a bestial love triangle.

First off, let me just say Scooby Doo, as a corporation is a terribly run business. We have less than half of the team with skills useful to the solution of said mysteries, which would be Fred with his planning skills and Velma with her analysis skills, and the rest of the team, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, are simply not necessary. Instead, they should find a marksman, a martial artist, and a pit-bull dog. They could find out who this week's conniving landlord is in half the time!
I said clear your desks. Now.

The show settles the gang in their apparent birth town of Crystal Cove, where transparently ridiculous "disguised as monster" crimes occur weekly. It also settles the character's hearts, with Daphne having a crush with an oblivious Fred while Velma has a crush with an oblivious Shaggy.

Velma's relationship with Shaggy seems central. She's pretty needy and constantly centers all her attention on him. He's...exactly the same food scarfing stoner he's always been.

Look, I know Scooby Doo has done it all, and also taken it's mask off and  found out it's old Mr Wrinkley. But this kind of dynamic doesn't work with cardboard cutouts like the Scooby gang. This character's got to where they are by tying themselves to stereotypes, archetypes, cliche's and tropes, and characterization only brings that to the surface.

Why is Velma in love with Shaggy? He doesn't look good, he's dumb, and he constantly puts a dog over her needs. I'm not usually like this, but Velma is now one of the most poisonous examples a little girl could have. She is a woman with skills and smarts, who's only focus in life is to land a man that is effectively worse than her in every way. Velma's a Diaper away from becoming Lisa Nowak. 
Velma, seen here wiping the floor with her diploma after a beating.

And Scooby is like...I don't know, "between" Velma and Shaggy, constantly disrupting their barely there relationship. Why would Scooby do that? Is Scooby a third wheel? Is Shaggy screwing a talking great dane? If you're making me wonder what Scooby's angle is, then something's wrong.

Rooby Rooby ROOOO!

Why not give Shaggy instead a new romantic interest? Or at least bring back that bitch from "The Reluctant Werewolf" movie. Make the red shirt canon!

Why not?

All in all, I think we should talk to our kids about this things in real life. They shouldn't learn them from a Robot or a talking dog. They should learn to manage their emotions and bodies responsibly from their parents.

As for us adult...WHOOO LET'S TAP THAT ASS!


Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Horrendous Theory: Mass Effect 2 is really an Italian Star Wars ripoff


I am deeply, madly in love with Mass Effect. It's one of the greatest videogames available on consoles nowadays, and not just because it let's you watch some space lesbians making out.

And I say that like it's nothing.
 Besides that, one of the strong elements of the game is the story. Broad enought to be exciting, yet detailed enought to be deep, the game's narrative is attractive after the fifth time . Of course, the game is really want would happen if Star Wars had an orgy with Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica while Babylon 5 watches.Thats' why I love it.

Still, you can't blame the game from taking cues and ideas from the greats of the Sci Fi genre: after all, the influence of years and years of them are hard to ignore. But what if I told you the plot of ME is stolen wholesale from a cheap imitation of Star Wars?

Not this one.
 Well, that's what I'm about to do! Meet Star Oddysey A.K.A.Captive Planet A.K.A. Metallica. It's a little known Italian film that was released in the height of Star War's popularity.  But  what does a movie with Robot Boxing, Sportacus' retarded cousin, and the auction of the earth have to do with ME2's intricate plot?

On their defense, Star Wars could have used more Space Skanks.
 See, Star Oddysey is in the public domain, and me liking cheap inspiration as much as anyone, decided to watch it. Here's more or less the lowdown.

In the future, Humankind still hasn't colonized other worlds, when an alien race straight up colonize US: an evil Psychic alien overlord who really wanted a closer look at his hot wafflemaker comes to the earth, and starts zapping the hell out of countries, enslaving humanity and putting earth on an Intergalactic auction. Human 's forces are useless against the aliens.

They clearly want earth's biggest resource: wigs.

 The human government supresses the news( Are we so distracted by Lindsay Lohan's antics that we ignore Tokyo's completely destroyed?) and sends for a...he's kind of a psychic, to help out. But he's used to getting things his way and hates the earth government.Eventually they work him over and cooperates. He devices that they will need a team of specialists to deal with the alien menace, and it will be comepletely out of Earth Gov's official workings.

They bust out two swindlers/Scientists from jail, steal a ship from E-Gov, hire an expert in RMMA(robot-mixed martial arts) who himself brings an annoying couple of duck looking robots and an ace space pilot with a cool spider-shirt.

Maybe we can kill the aliens while they are busy vomiting.

They figure out how to disable the aliens, and it all goes where you'd expect it. If where you expect it is the promises of Robots having heterosexual intercourse and the Scientists kinda joining the villain at the end.
Now look closer(unless you don't want ME2 being spoilt. In which case, stop reading, stupid. )

In ME2, human colonies are under attack by aliens, who pretty much kidnap everyone and make their getaway. Official human authorities, and ME2's Space U.N. supresses and downplays what is happening, while the rogue prohuman Cerberus Group decides to take direct, beyond-the-pale action. The game's Commander Sheppard is sent to aquire a team that can deal with it, which includes a scientist, breaking out an Excon and an assortment of aliens.

They figure out how to disable the aliens, and it all goes where you'd expect it. If where you expect it is people dying because they don't talk to you anymore, you jerk.

"If you don't side with me on this petty argument, I can't make any promises on not letting swarms of bugs kill me."
I believe ME2 is not linked to Star Oddysey by coincidence, but by purposedfull plagiarism. Course, Star Oddysey is public Domain. So it's not too bad a ripoff anyway. Plus, they removed the bickering robot couple and added  Seth Green.  So it's all good in the end.

 Lord Grid Face is against Robot Sex. Also he kicks children in the face.Nice.