Monday, November 29, 2010

A neophyte's view of The Deadly Hallows

Not if money has any say in the matter!

Now, look, I'm no stranger to bandwagons. I did The Turtles, The Rangers, The Pokemon and even a spot of the Nu Metal. But I never did get into the whole Harry Potter thing.

Why? I don't know. Medieval Europe myths where never that interesting to me, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I never let go of when they said it was Satanic, like seven scapegoats ago. Or maybe it's because I had to read. I like reading but games give me so much and demand so little.

So yesterday, some family members wanted to see the  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I wasn't gonna be all "Let's watch Tangled instead". SO I ventured forth and watched it, my only knowledge being half the first film(kinda not paying attention, I changed the channel when they fought Shrek), what you might read on Cinematical, and My Immortal.

And that's insane! Imagine if I'd gone into Final Fantasy on the 7th entry! How would I know which effeminate man to like? Or Police Academy! Would I know about Harris' plight to bring down inefficiency in the force? Or what about Tony Hawk? How would I know Activision likes money?

So I took my first serious step into being a life Journal artist of fanarts most illegal, and watched it.

The movie opens with this pale dude, all cross eyed, giving his "won't go quietly into the night" speech. Wattaminnit, hold he hell up? What's going on? There's some crisis, and bad  whether and looks like a lot of British people are getting foreclosed. One girl even erases her pictures, so they won't know  to find her and ruin her credit! Is it the Apocalypse?

Then I think we follow one of the bad guys, who is too cool to use the Hall of Doom's front gate, but not badass enough to burst through the window. He arrives at a big table, where all the bad guys are having a brainstorming session. It seems they recently took over...something and are happy, but are worried about the titular Boy Wizard sticking his  nose into their business. Then Tim Burton's wife get's all excited like she totally knows the answer to this one and the teacher should let her talk and she KNOW IT(it's Quebec) and she's shooting for that gold star.

Seriously, Tim Burton's wife is in this? She must have heard there was a role for a pale, crazy woman with unkempt hair, and auditioned her ass of. Her raw, pale, unkempt ass.

So, she wants to kill Harry Potter. But only the ugliest man in the table can do it. It's this guy who didn't quite make it to full snake. At least Mongooses aren't a problem.

The boardroom is not appropriate place to cast "Fart".

So he's like " I gotta kill Harry Potter" and everyone's like "you go girl!" and he's like " So lend me your wands" and they're all "Shit!". It's not a toothbrush, guys. Break the leg off a table, you're magic. But sure enough, once one of them lends him his wand, he rips off it's sweet Dragon handle. Nice going, Cobra Commander. You may be the Antichrist, but you still have to respect the other people's property.
The working title was "Evil Ancient lizard-man by nature".

So all the good guys, they get into Harry Potter's house, and they all transform in him to get him to safety, while they take magic missiles up their asses meant for him. See, he's the One.

Kickus, Facia!

No, he's the Chosen One. But he's not the chosen one in a way that means he's untouchable, like Neo from the Matrix. He's more  like the Pope, since he's chosen and then you gotta pamper his ass 24/7.

So they have a crazy chase scene until they get to a farm, which is safe's not. I think the evil spirits, dark forces, and flying magicians kinda just called for a break. Most of Potter Cosplayers make it, but for one guy who was betrayed by another called after a Puertorican dish.
 Delicious, Backstabbing Bastard!

So, having narrowly escaped evil they go on with a wedding they where planning. Erm...guys, I think Satan is kinda feeding your teachers to snakes. Maybe you could hold off the wedding until we sort it out? I mean what if bad guys attack during it?

So bad guys attack during the wedding. And you can't fucking blame them. It's like a slap on the face of their new world order! The world is in danger and you guys are worried about marriage? What are you, Democrats?

So our three heroes, Harry Potter, Unhappy girl, and Dead Weight start their world zapping adventure to find and destroy the one... of 4 hexagon things that apparently you have to destroy to beat old scratch. Meanwhile, in wherever it is they where in, Nazis and kindly looking ladies have taken over, and are taking non-magicals to the gas chambers. And apparently we're Final Fantasy characters.

First the came for the Chocobo, and I said nothing...

Not kidding about the Nazis. A variant amount of red armbands and missing Third Reich  insignia doesn't mean you aren't Nazis. It's like the most obvious Nazi stand in s ever!

Which I guess makes our villain Serpentor?

Also, Dead Weight begins to feel  resentful and jealous and leaves, but he comes back in time to be somewhat useful. But only because Harry would rather jump into a frozen river to recover a trinket than tell a girl to help him.

So they learns from this animation sequence that they need to find this Superwand made by Death itself, and Potter's old mentor hid it, but then Nightwish catches them, and takes them to Tim Burton's wife, who locks the two boys the cellar so she can rape the girl.
Now I get it why this franchise is popular...

Though this annoying suck up Gollum vomit that has been hounding the movie shows up and unlocks the doors. They get into a fight with Ms. Burton, and eventually they Teleport away, but not before Ms. Lovitt Ninja's up the little CG creature with her  Bullet time knife.

Then Snake-Man finds the hidden Superwand, which Potter's Mentor cleverly hid ON HIS HANDS, IN HIS MAUSOLEUM! CAN YOU AT LEAST MAKE THE BAD GUYS DIG? Can you at least rot a little so they vomit in their mouths?  Content in this, the villain shoots lighting  out of his wood stick to tickle god in the nads.To be continued.

Or at least that's what I thought it was that happened...

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