Horrendous Theory: My Super Ex Girlfriend is Superman's daughter.

So the Superman Reboot did well enough to try and launch a joint universe out of it. It's kind of all right, but I just saw All Star Superman and that shit is just super fantastic and positive, and not just caked in grey morality/litteral gray.

I will punch you, Son of Jor El!!!!

Do I sometimes wonder what could have been if Superman Returns had had a sequel? Yes, I do. I even remember some vague rumors  about Superman dating an Indian nurse in that movie, or something. But really, how do you follow on giving Superman a neglected, out of  wedlock kid? It's so wrong, you know, putting Superman in  the place of a guy who would lay and not even call back to check.

Except...that it already happened. In Superman III, Superman becomes infected with faulty Kryptonite by Richard Pryor and his friends, and as such, becomes evil. But not really "Elseworld's" evil, just kind of a general asshole.

"If you sing Super Hero Lover again, I will punt your head all the way to Hawaii."

The villains use computers to control all the world's petrolium carrying barges, because even bofore we invented the word "hacking" we were completely missunderstanding what they can and can't do. However one barge decides to ignore the orders, and so the villains decide it looks like a job for Superman.

They send Superman the bait, the main villain's sexy ass assistant Lorelei. She asks Superman to, as a personal favor worth points towards fucking her,  divert the barge away from shore. Naturally, he complies. Sure, an evil Superman could probably have any woman he wants, and that's without veerying off into "unconsensual" talk, but I guess whatever gets the plot moving and keeps the rating under R.

But it's after that  that things become interesting. Superman comes back to cash in on his poon coupon. And he does, albeit offscreen. And I think the fruit of said relationship is G-Girl,  the main character from the movie "My Super Exgirlfriend".

It turns out the G spot was the heart all along.

Now you may have some questions. "Where is Superman in Super Ex-Girlfriend?" "Why doesn't she have Superman's exact powerset?" "Don't they explain her origin in that movie?" "Hey, Superman can't have kids with a human!" Joke's on you, that last one isn't even a question!

Let's begin with the last one. Superman Returns, being mildly in cannon with the Donner series, established that movie Superman  CAN have kids with a woman. He just can't pay them alimony (goes for high-five). "But Superman Returns takes place after Superman II and cancels out Superman's III and IV!" Yeah, those are words. But what parts of  Superman III and Superman IV  get contradicted?  Both of those movies could take place 2-3 months after Superman had his thing with Lois, and he'd then be able to fly away to space and leave her to take care of the kid. Hell, Lois' caribean vacation on 3 could have been where she met Richard White and dumped her Superkid on him.

Or, maybe this takes place in the Superman 3-4 timeline and not the Superman Returns timeline.

Kid, hopefully the worst you got from this movie was being slightly scared by Kevin Spacey.

So whatever, nobody said Superman CAN'T have kids in this movies.

I can definitively say why she doesn't have Superman's exact powerset. It's because she isn't really just Superman's daughter. She's Evil Superman thorugh faulty Kryptonite's daughter.  Hell, that alone could account for her manically obsessive personality. She's got some Bad K in her genes, besides being raised by a criminal, maybe.

"whoawhoawhoooa...Your dad knew Gus Gorman?"

Yes, she does have an origin in the movie. She'd throw a Shark at a girl, yet you don't think she'd make up an origin story to hide her shameful parentage? Come on. Further, she got those powers from a meteor. Perhaps  her Kryptonian side laid dormant until the meteor jump started them.




As for where Superman is, why would you assume he's be available to this one grown woman when he wasn't around for his kid of his main squeeze? Pick whatever answer you like: gone to space, dead, Mission in the Middle East. I can't do them all for you, you know? Now, who wants to hear about how Eggman is the Hero and Sonic is the villain?

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Kudos to Fox

Fox gets a lot of flack for a company that's not particularly more evil than  Disney,  or Comcast. Because while Disney might straight up rip off a Holocaust Victim's story and Comcast might make you lose faith in Capitalism,  what really makes people mad here is when you get Street Fighter wrong.

I'd expect the people who came up with "Fox Kids" to know better.

But lately they've done a great thing for me. Remember my article about the ways I would ruin your franchise? Well, let me refresh your memory a bit.

Ew. The tears taste like sweaty, salty Mountain Dew.

Get it? It's funny because it's the kind of dumb thing movie makers would do! Take a fantastical character that has endured decades  and reduce him to just some guy, some businessman or something like that! You know, like when Shredder was gonna be Col. Shrader, or when Galactus was a cloud.

"This place will become your grave, after you die from the heartbreak over displacement my oil company will do to your tribe."

Well, Toby Kebell, who will be playing Doom, says that it's gonna be sort of like that.

He’s Victor Domashev, not Victor Von Doom in our story.  And I’m sure I’ll be sent to jail for telling you that.  The Doom in ours—I’m a programmer.  Very anti-social programmer.  And on blogging sites I’m “Doom”.

 

Good play, Fox! Just in case anyone still thought this was the movie that "rectifies" Fantastic 4 after the previous ones, especially Dr Doom, who was every villain except Dr Doom and Bluto from Popeye,  you sweep in with something like that. Dr Doom, the angry blogger? What's the Silver Surfer do, browse 9gag?

 

"And check out this sweet Half Life 2 Map Doom made!"

And we know you. You don't back out of terrible movie ideas on a good day, and this is more of a "keep Galactus from reverting back to Disney" day. You know that Disney would put that shit onscreen and make it awesome and faithful and make all the money. You wouldn't. You don't even care. You don't even care that you don't care.

And yet, somehow, I suspect screwing up this beloved silver age superheroes by making a crappy ass, found footage movie about 4 superheroes fighting a blogger  like it's 1996 or some shit will bring you money in the long run. You are despicable and devious. My hat is off to you.

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15 Questions about Mortal Kombat

"Not even summer camp!"

I have seen Mortal Kombat many, many times. I never catched it on it's original theater run, on account of extreme poverty. I like this movie so much it makes me feel guilty, because it's a silly movie, and big ass men like myself aren't supposed to like silly movies.

But I'm a curious man. I have an inquisitive spark within myself. I have questions about everything, especially movies from the 90's. I will now onload 15 of these riddles on you, and ask you to answer them all to me. It has begun!

15) Is Master Boyd dead?

During the course of the movie Shang Tsung rarely uses his transformation powers. See, in the game, Shang Tsung can take the shape of any fighter in the game, and for the longest time this was his defining characteristic.

In the movie he uses this ability exactly twice. One is to guilt trip Liu Kang over his brother, who tried to fight Shang Tsung and got his neck rearranged for his trouble. The other is to fool Johnny Cage into going to the tournament, by pretending to be his mentor, Master Boyd.

No, he's NOT Bo' Rai Cho! Not everything is canon!

Did Shang Tsung kill Master Boyd and claim his soul? Because It's implied his ability to copy people is related to his ability to steal souls. If his power did work in this way, it is safe to assume he found Boyd and killed him.

14) Why did Shang Tsung  get Earth's Best fighters involved?

The Mortal Kombat Tournament was lost by Outworld thanks mostly to two people: Johnny Cage, and Liu Kang. The strongest fighters, Sub Zero, Scorpion, and Goro, where defeated by them. Obviously Raiden knew how to pick them.

Except he didn't. Liu Kang only joined because his brother was killed by Shang Tsung. Before that he was completely distanced from the Monks and the Tournament.

And Johnny Cage only joined because he was actively brought by Shang Tsung. If Shang Tsung really wanted to win, he would have let Liu Kang's brother participate, and he'd have forgotten all about Johnny Cage. He could come collect their stupid souls later, when Earth Realm had gotten taken over. He could have kept Sonya, though.

13) Why are Sonya's weak fighting skills  a plot point?

No aerobics clothing?

Sonya doesn't get to do much in MK. She avenges her partner by killing Kano early on and then moves on to the background.

Because it's an actual plot point that Shang Tsung only brought Sonya so he'd have someone weak to fight at the end of the tournament. That's her arc. Shang Tsung spent his time  doing Raiden's work for him by getting the REAL fighters in here, and now he turns around and decides that maybe he should go easy on himself, and cap things off by fighting the lady from The Wedding Planner.

This isn't so much a question as it is a complaint. I like Sonya, we could have given her another Palette Swap Ninja to fight or something.

12) Did Raiden bring in a bunch of fighters to their death knowing they where going to die?

See, he WOULD lift a finger.

So Raiden didn't  recruit any of the important people in the movie, even though he only ever spent any time with Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage. He didn't give any life saving tips to Art Lean or Jenny Cho. We might assume this people where brought here either by Raiden or by Shang Tsung.

Let's give Raiden the benefit of the doubt and assume he brought at least some of the people from the tournament. Why wouldn't he assist them in any way?  Why would he leave them completely out of things?

Liu Kang is the chosen one, but he can't fight everyone in the tournament, otherwise he'd face exhaustion and die. Some people  who were not the chosen one needed to score some victories. Raiden  possibly brought in a bunch of people and then decided that  he should only work with 3 of them, and everyone else would be fine.

11) Who the hell is that guy?

Seriously, who the hell is that guy?

10) Can Shang Tsung revive the death?

Near the climax of the movie, Shang Tsung fights Liu Kang in his creepy castle of gloomness. After exchanging Hyas for a bit, Shang leaves Liu to face with some warriors who come out of manholes.

This guys are clearly culled from all human history, and presumably  former fighters that Shang Tsung enslaved.

But Shang Tsung has only been seen to enslave souls. Nobody said anything about Shang being able to revive the people who's souls he owned. Because then he really needed to revive Kano, Art Lean and that guy and made them fight Shang Tsung at the end.

09) Can't Raiden stop people participating in a tournament?

I mean, he's Earthrealm's protector. He's supposed to do everything he can to keep Earth from becoming absorbed by Outworld.

So can't keep Sonya from participating? Again, I like Sonya, but she's here strictly because how much she sucks. If I were Raiden, I'd be like, "nope, you can't participate" and I'd kick her out of the boat.

You can slap me if you want. If you can actually hurt me you get the job.

08) If Earth Realm people can participate in the tournament, why wouldn't Shang Tsung  get Johnny Cage on his side?

Not to repeat myself, but Johnny Cage is in Mortal Kombat exclusively because of Shang Tsung. But in the same way he conned(or is that konned?) Kano into fighting for him, why didn't he get Johnny Cage?

I mean, Cage was so completely out of the loop, I'm sure he would have gone with whatever, had he been properly not told about the impending  destruction of Earth.

07) How is Reptile made?

Nothing about no statue, here.

Near the end of the movie, Reptile, in this movie a little satanic gecko with invisibility powers, falls into a statue. The statue shoves some tentacles into him. The statue turns into Reptile, the Green Ninja.

So, is Reptile always in  the wait for the right statue to turn himself into a Ninja, or is the statue a ninja that needs a little monster in his heart to be able regain his full form? Or is this an exceptional moment that neither of them knew? A secret that eluded both the ugly statue and the  little stealth lizard?

Talk about your star crossed lovers!

06) What happens if Shang Tsung gives up?

During the final fight, Liu Kang starts a massive beatdown against Shang Tsung. But, since he's also learned  that revenge is no good, he asks Shang Tsung to surrender several times. Shang Tsung replies to this requests with "Never" and "Save your pity for the weak" and "Spit".

But what happens if Shang Tsung says uncle? Does he go to jail? Does Earthrealm win and he just has to go away? Because no one in this movie ever just tapped out.  Even after all the cheating and stuff, doesn't he get a sanction or anything?

05) Are all Shokans weak ass pussies?

All they want...is a hug...

Goro is the equalizer in the tournament. Seemingly impervious to most physical attacks, and strong enough to lift a man, we even get a montage of all the people  he's broken down.

So if Shokans are so tough, why isn't team Outworld all Shokans? Why bother with That Guy if you could have another Shokan in there?

Is it because Goro is an exceptional Shokan, and the rest of the Shokans are not so hot? Is it some kind of Outworld affirmative action thing, where you gotta give  everyone equal participation in the
tournament?

Think about it.

04) Can Shang Tsung move freely in Earthrealm?

Because it seems like he shouldn't. It seems kind of unsporting that an immortal shape-shifting demon sorceror can go about our side of existence. He could make a lot of things to influence the odds and cause an unfair upset.

In the actual movie he basically helped us, yes. If he can just saunter in an out of our world, why wouldn't he poison or cripple our greater fighters before their get to the tournement?  Why wouldn't he kill most people who know about the tournament? Why wouldn't he pretend to be Raiden and fool the best fighters into missing the tournament?

03) How is Shao Khan 3 stories high?

"I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER! I WAARNEEED YOUUUU!"

Now, we all know in every other media Shao Khan is tall, but this is ridiculous.

You might assume this is just a projection of Shao Khan. But a projection wouldn't be able destroy a temple. No, it's clear Shao Khan in this universe is a translucent titan.

02) Can you just pull a weapon on somebody in the Tournament?

"Well, that's not sporting at all."

Because it seems that one can. Kano can casually produce a knife, and That guy has some kind of fighting sticks.

So if there's no limits on weapons, who doesn't every fight have them? Why can't Sonya just  stab Goro in the neck and call it a day? I'm sure the only reason her gun  was destroyed early in the movie was to keep her from turning Mortal Kombat into Unreal Tournament.

01) If Raiden has no power in the island, how come he can do a bunch of stuff?

Raiden is a God. However, Raiden has no power in the tournament's setting, the Island. We are explicitely told this. He can only...

NYE-HEH-HEH..

...threaten large groups of warrior men with lightening eyes...

...Piss off testosterone-ridden Ninja...

...manifest himself unexpectedly behind people...

Exactly how limited is Raiden? Because if he was just being an asshole and not directly helping well...that seemingly would go with a pattern.

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No gods or kings or dubiosly drawn women.

Rob Liefeld has created many many characters  that he owns. Already a millionaire, he, like any self respecting nerd would like to see those adapted to film with additional economic incentives clearly not hurting.But it seems like a strange curse keeps his creations confined to the books, mostly. Despite having announced many of his negatively named homunculi to be headed for the silver screen, none yet have made it.

The latest on this string of vaporfilms is Godyssey, a high concept crossover between that never saw completion, because...well...

Jesus 's not gonna take THIS lying down.

...because  Jesus kinda kung fu fights the Greek Gods. Now that is an amusing image, but naturally some of this stuff won't make it unless it's some kind of religious satire, like the Last Temptation of Christ or Superstar, which it is not because RL cleary drew Jesus backhanding Posiedon as serious shit... What's getting the cut, Robbie boy?



 



Oh really? The only thing that happens in Godyssey is that Jesus fights the Toga Squad. Essentially they're removing the key elements from this cruddy unfinished story and turning it in Godyssey in dumb name only.
  It's like making a Spider-Man movie based on the first Spider-Man comic cover that  follows Moira McTaggert and Kavita Rao.It's gonna be some shitty League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but with gods, now.

But It's gonna be true to the source material, because it'll  never be done.

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The Ridiculous Remake-Reboot-Adaptation-Sequel betting Pool

It's a whole new year, and with it, sure to come are a whole series of new films based on old shit.  But what else are we going to do with all our loose

Colin Farrels? And so, I have decided to skip to the chase and call out the movies that will destroy our childhoods, as soon as they're being announced and

done and stuff. This are the movies I believe we'll be reading about this year. As such, it is necessary that we give each category of bad idea it's own

section. Here goes nothing.

Live Action-CG abomination based on cartoon.

After the perfectly putrid test footage for Hong Kong Phooey, I realized something: studios just don't care for funny animal universes inhabited by humans.

Hong Kong Phooey HAS to be a toilet water drinking dog, as has to Underdog. What's my bet? I've two.

Pinky and the Brain


Pinky and the Brain is going to be announced this year. However, by the time it's on screens it'll be more about a guy that has to learn a lesson from these megalomaniac mice. WB did everything it could to bury the franchise forever, but perhaps it's time to drag the proverbial corpse out of it's proverbial grave  and humiliate it some more. Taking the name and designs, yet utterly ignoring the show's original attitude and heart.

Also Secret Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel is one of those franchises that was never important enought to bring out but to the most all inclusive company wide events. Essentially

Inspector Gadget, but a squirrel and with a racially offensive sidekick, Secret squirrel is needed to come back by no one. So expect this one in 3D soon.

Perfectly fine stand alone film redone

Gritted up Children's story.

Well, we're all children on the inside? So gimme a story for kids, but make it really morbid for me and my graying beard.

The Christmas Toy

A fairly obscure movie that may or may not have inspired Toy story, the movie followed on the premise of sentient living toys with a catch: if humans saw them, they died. So obviously it was already gritty. That's why they'll remake it extra gritty, with the toys hatching  a plan to blind all the humans in the house with a laser.

Old dormant franchise given a sequel

Sometimes a decade just doesn't feel like a decade. When a film franchise spends  more than a decade out of theaters, the idea of directly continuing it is

almost always a bad one. But this is the year when they announce:

Lethal Weapon 5

Lethal Weapon both belongs to a genre that's not on vogue (buddy cop stories) and has a cast member who's not allowed into big movies anymore on account of being a terrible person. It's also on double digits since the last movie came out. This is the year when the sequel is announced. Or should I say prequel?

Lethal Weapon 0: The Early Years starring Donald Glover and Sam Witwer!

Readapted, this time less bad:

Yo, last time we tried to make a movie about this, it turns out we ruined everything. Let's only ruin most of it now.

Tomb Raider

While I think it's kind of cheating, since this is one of those thing's that gets mentioned every once in a while, this is the year when it goes somewhere.

And since Hunger Games "proved" that you can make a movie with a woman lead and it might sell(you know, if it doesn't suck and the marketing isn't bad and it's got a strong word of mouth for the source material. Like every other movie, stupid executives.) it's just as well that Tomb Raider might finally get out of Dev-Hell.

Wait, what the hell?

Ha! Your hubris will be your undoing! Just when you think I can't get any more dumb ideas, I'll announce:

Sailor Moon: The Movie

With maybe even an Asian or two in there! It IS a team, after all. And they'll need plenty of bad guys to fight.

The Arnold Schawrzennegger "dragging out an old man to pretend he's an action star again" award

I'm not too old for this kids! Watch me reactivate an old franchise and shame myself!

"Escape From" series.

Kurt Russel hasn't been seen in a while in anything big. So let's drag him, almost 30 years older than he was, put him in a tank top and an eye patch and a mullet, and pretend he doesn't  start gasping for air if he talks too loud. See where it gets ya.

Announced, yet unlikely to exist:

Oh, this movies totally for sure gonna come out soon. I was just talking to Roberto Zemeckis's and he's totally letting me do it.


Justice League

:D :) {:]{3| {:[ {;C...

Just kidding(except for the emoticons)

E.T. 2

Spieldberg will finally be ready to free himself from  2 decade's worth of writers block and finally get on with that sequel to E.T. he's always wanted to do. The answers to your questions are CG, In 3D and  May 15, 20NO.

What are your guesses? Let's come back her enext year and compare notes.

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RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.

  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?

Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

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Michelle Rodriguez is a stupid fool (or a great tease)

Michelle, Ma Belle! Zombie Killey Mockey tres bien an sam!

Aparently someone's been talking about making an Expendables-ish movie with only female leads. While this  is a great idea(as an article I never actually published, and will subsequently reformat into a wish list can attest), inmediately someone decided to come in an  and poop on the proverbial party.

Why are you so serious?

Michelle Rodriguez, my Dead-Eyed doll, that butch belle, that typecast titaness has recently come out and said she didn't feel she had gained that kind of notoriety to be in such a movie with a bunch of known names trying to  capitalize on the novelty of all of them being in a movie.

Shut up! You don't decide that! I DO! And In terms of action female star, you are at just the right point, I say. Cinthya Rothrock and Sigourney Weaver are somewhat old to lead an action movie, and as I told you in my love letter, nobody plays convincingly tough girls quite like you.

Further, you haven't had a top billing since fucking Blue Crush! This is your chance to grow to leading lady! Do you WANT to shoot up squid pee in Resident Evil sequels forever? No jodas con eso, cabrona! You're not gonna be 30 something forever, you know? This kind of role has an expiration age.

You go and play a sour hispanic commando that doesn't take shit for no one, before they cast Kirsten Stewart or Kirsten Kreuk or Kirsten Dunst or some shit! NO KIRSTENS! AAAARGH!

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DC's Plain Ketchup

Dollar! The ALL-MIGHTY!

I hate to say I told you so. Wait, no. Love. I love to say it.

So, my good DC fans, I told you so. We debated for 5 years whether a Justice League film was better if built up by individual movies. Sure, the matter is mostly out of our controls. But did not a wiseman say all is in vain?

You guys said a Justice League movie bombing could kill the chances of solo films. So how did that go? Did you enjoy your Jonah Hex and Green Lantern solo films not leading into a single film? Where the theoretical solo films in jeopardy if it bombed? You know the answer to this one.

I told you so. I told if anything had a chance at existance at Dc it was a single strong solo film. I told you if the movies had not existed yet, it was reasonable not to expect them in the future.

Now WB  has suddenly stumbled out of bed, slobber rolling out the mouth.  "Whu..., a Billion dollars? I NEVER expected a well done and marketed movie with popular characters to make money! Do we have some of those characters?"

Oh, please pretend this recent slew of announcements isnt related to Marvel and Joss Whedons excellent Avengers. It's something that they started writting a while ago, they say. THING IS, at this point after the initial cancellation of Justice League : Mortal, there have been so many movies in writting phase its obvious it isnt a problem with capacity, but desire. WB doesn't need to have it's own Avengers. Did the Dark Knight not make them  a bunchload of cash?

I knew this baby would come in handy someday.

You guys got what you wanted, but lost what you had.I did tell you so.

So WB is calling me toos. Hell, I wanted to cash in on Avengers too. Whats the plan? Well, they'll fast track a movie with Lobo starring the The Rock. Then Shazam, also starring The Rock probably. That one won't happen.

At least we'll always have the rage...(snif)

A Wonder Woman movie script will join the pile. Flash might get made. Then Avengers 2 will come out, and once again industrial amounts of wishful thinking will fall out of WB regarding Justice League. And we get to do this all over again.

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5 movies that would have ended in court

It is not unusual for movies to skip certain legal proceedings. But this is especially true when said proceedings get in the way of a happy ending and those sweet, sweet credits. However, if you think about it, harsh and long legal proceedings might be the only natural outcome of a great many movies. I'm going to leave it at 5, though.

The Unborn

"Look lady, I am a demon coming to posses your body, but I'm not going to until you start wearing your own size."

The unborn is a stupid movie about Jewish exorcism.. You might think it's scary if you think upside down heads are scary, and also you are 5.

Kicked out of most doggie shows on suspicion of surgery.

In order to cure our protagonist of her Nazi-enabled demon possesion(I warned you it was stupid!), her boyfriend, a Rabbi, a Reverend and a small group of paranormal researchers/documentary crew/fodder exorcise her in a creepy abondoned building. In this cleverly chosen place, most of them meet their end, either because they where possesed and had to be killed, or killed by the possesed.

YOUR MOTHER IS A RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE JEWISH COMMUNITY IN HELL!

In the end, the priest and the girl are the only survivors. A Few month's later, we see the girl checking a pregnancy test and...

...no. You don't get to leave a building with 7 bodies and no alibi that isn't demonic possesion by Nazi demons. That's how you get arrested for murder!

If you think the cops are gonna take a bunch of bloory footage of people screaming as evidence, stop thinking. Most of the supernatural occurences happened offscreen, and the girl has a history of mental illness in her family. Put together with the recent deaths of those she knew and let's just say she'll have an uphill battle  proving her version before a jury.

Above the Law

Or maybe it's not this movie. I don't know!

Steven Seagal is Steven Seagal, a cop accused of a crime he didn't commit, and so he sets out to track down the real culprits, prove his innocence, and get revenge. There may be other films with this plot.

"Are you guys done shooting, I neet to snap all your arms and legs before my break."

In the nd Steven breaks into bad-guy villa and kills everyone, as he is wont to do. His superior walks into the scene and just goes "good job", like it was a baseball game and Steven just scored 10 points.

Yeah, not so good, Steven. Now he has to, in addition to the original charges, face evasion of justice, various counts of murder, illegal weapon possesion, breaking and entering and many, many more. He can't say he walked into the manor not planning to kill everyone.

But if the Chief is to be believed, Steven Seagal is Above the Law. Maybe the cops will illegally cover all the crimes of a fugitive if it's a guy they know.After all, these are criminals he killed.

But criminals have families too. If the state doesn't pursue, they will probably face a huge class action suit for every goateed thug's neck he snapped. No matter how moch they are riding on the ponytailed antics of Seagal, they'll probably rather fire him than face the enormous cost of backing Seagal up.

This guys became a rap mogul just by getting a severe beating.   If Steven Seagal was a real life person, he's be the new president.

Matilda

Not being loved by your parents is an adventure!

Matilda is a little girl who gets no breaks from enyone in th efucking world, including her parents and at school. She also has telekinetic powers. Before she can grow up into a Carrie, she finds a sweet teacher called Miss Honey, who isn't a complete monster to her.

Eventually her parents are sought out by the law for several minor crimes, and they need to leave the state. Ms. Honey an Matilda convince them to quickly sign over adoption papers to hand over Matilda to Honey.

Hey, maybe in a couple of years Tim Burton might remake this movie...

Needless to say, adoption does not work like this. Matilda is not a car, and if she was, it's take more than signing 3 sheets of paper in 1 minute for the exchange to occur.

What I'm saying is if Ms. Honey was played by Kathy Bates, it's be at least an open ending.

Matilda's parents, in this case, are in a state of lawlessness  and in no position to leave their child to anyone. If it was that easy, what's to stop an accused child abuser of giving his victim  to someone who was willing to trade the child back to him? The state would at least want to investigate what resources and background Ms. Honey has to take care of a kid. It's way more likely instead that Matilda would go through several temporary homes. With her rotten luck for authority figures, her fate is most likely two bags markes "evidence".

Collateral

Tom goes crazy without his Rogaine.

Collateral is a movie where a hitman(Tom Cruise) and the dumb driver he kidnaps to drive him to several hits(Jaime Foxx). Early in, Cruise remarks how one can die in the subway and no one might find out.

See, becomes ironic later in the climax, where Cruise shot dead by Foxx in a subway and gets away safely. Never mind that for it to come to that, Foxx just had to crash a car, kidnap a cop, steal a cellphone, break into a building(using bullets) be chased by an armed Tom Cruise into a Subway, where they shot at each other until Tom Cruise decides to die.

Did I leave the oven on?

Oooh, and no one will die because he's dead in the Sub! They'll think sleeping out his massive hemorrage, right?

No, what will happen is that Foxx will do time for kidnapping and murder, as soon as an unlucky train employee finds Tom's body and they quickly link it to Foxx's spree through obvious forensic evidence and eyewitness corroboration. Self Defense has limits, yo.

Free Willy

Thanks kid. I'm off to torture sea lions before killing them!

Free Willy follows a boy's heroic quest to free his penis an Orca whale from it's evil owner's at Not-Sea world. And if you where born in the western world before 1991, you know he was succesfull in this endeavor.

If not,   quick summary. The boy met the whale in an illegal vandalism excursion, during which he was caught. He is put to work assisting in the aquarium, and he soon becomes good friends with Willy.

Once he learns of  the parko owner's plan to whack his precious willy, he, along with consenting adults, break out the whale from the aquarium on various vehicles.

You can't fuck wit our whales, motherfucker!

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to free an animal that is going to be killed for it's insurance money. But i'm pretty sure it's illegal to haul around an Orca whale on tha back of a truck without some kind of permit. Because sure, this guys are heroes if the whale lives, but if their transmission gives out and Willy dries up, that makes them reckless thieves.

So adding to the boy's rap sheet further breaking and entering charges, destruction of property as well as enviromental charges, he's probably, he's likely to face juvie hall. Allthough perhaps a local celebrity would intercede for him. Unless he's a whale hating cyborg. Then no.

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