Sunday, May 27, 2012

5 movies that would have ended in court

It is not unusual for movies to skip certain legal proceedings. But this is especially true when said proceedings get in the way of a happy ending and those sweet, sweet credits. However, if you think about it, harsh and long legal proceedings might be the only natural outcome of a great many movies. I'm going to leave it at 5, though.

The Unborn
"Look lady, I am a demon coming to posses your body, but I'm not going to until you start wearing your own size."

The unborn is a stupid movie about Jewish exorcism.. You might think it's scary if you think upside down heads are scary, and also you are 5.
Kicked out of most doggie shows on suspicion of surgery.

In order to cure our protagonist of her Nazi-enabled demon possesion(I warned you it was stupid!), her boyfriend, a Rabbi, a Reverend and a small group of paranormal researchers/documentary crew/fodder exorcise her in a creepy abondoned building. In this cleverly chosen place, most of them meet their end, either because they where possesed and had to be killed, or killed by the possesed.

In the end, the priest and the girl are the only survivors. A Few month's later, we see the girl checking a pregnancy test and... You don't get to leave a building with 7 bodies and no alibi that isn't demonic possesion by Nazi demons. That's how you get arrested for murder!

If you think the cops are gonna take a bunch of bloory footage of people screaming as evidence, stop thinking. Most of the supernatural occurences happened offscreen, and the girl has a history of mental illness in her family. Put together with the recent deaths of those she knew and let's just say she'll have an uphill battle  proving her version before a jury.

Above the Law
Or maybe it's not this movie. I don't know!

Steven Seagal is Steven Seagal, a cop accused of a crime he didn't commit, and so he sets out to track down the real culprits, prove his innocence, and get revenge. There may be other films with this plot.
"Are you guys done shooting, I neet to snap all your arms and legs before my break."

In the nd Steven breaks into bad-guy villa and kills everyone, as he is wont to do. His superior walks into the scene and just goes "good job", like it was a baseball game and Steven just scored 10 points.

Yeah, not so good, Steven. Now he has to, in addition to the original charges, face evasion of justice, various counts of murder, illegal weapon possesion, breaking and entering and many, many more. He can't say he walked into the manor not planning to kill everyone.

But if the Chief is to be believed, Steven Seagal is Above the Law. Maybe the cops will illegally cover all the crimes of a fugitive if it's a guy they know.After all, these are criminals he killed.

But criminals have families too. If the state doesn't pursue, they will probably face a huge class action suit for every goateed thug's neck he snapped. No matter how moch they are riding on the ponytailed antics of Seagal, they'll probably rather fire him than face the enormous cost of backing Seagal up.

This guys became a rap mogul just by getting a severe beating.   If Steven Seagal was a real life person, he's be the new president.

Not being loved by your parents is an adventure!

Matilda is a little girl who gets no breaks from enyone in th efucking world, including her parents and at school. She also has telekinetic powers. Before she can grow up into a Carrie, she finds a sweet teacher called Miss Honey, who isn't a complete monster to her.

Eventually her parents are sought out by the law for several minor crimes, and they need to leave the state. Ms. Honey an Matilda convince them to quickly sign over adoption papers to hand over Matilda to Honey.
Hey, maybe in a couple of years Tim Burton might remake this movie...

Needless to say, adoption does not work like this. Matilda is not a car, and if she was, it's take more than signing 3 sheets of paper in 1 minute for the exchange to occur.
What I'm saying is if Ms. Honey was played by Kathy Bates, it's be at least an open ending.

Matilda's parents, in this case, are in a state of lawlessness  and in no position to leave their child to anyone. If it was that easy, what's to stop an accused child abuser of giving his victim  to someone who was willing to trade the child back to him? The state would at least want to investigate what resources and background Ms. Honey has to take care of a kid. It's way more likely instead that Matilda would go through several temporary homes. With her rotten luck for authority figures, her fate is most likely two bags markes "evidence".

Tom goes crazy without his Rogaine.
Collateral is a movie where a hitman(Tom Cruise) and the dumb driver he kidnaps to drive him to several hits(Jaime Foxx). Early in, Cruise remarks how one can die in the subway and no one might find out.

See, becomes ironic later in the climax, where Cruise shot dead by Foxx in a subway and gets away safely. Never mind that for it to come to that, Foxx just had to crash a car, kidnap a cop, steal a cellphone, break into a building(using bullets) be chased by an armed Tom Cruise into a Subway, where they shot at each other until Tom Cruise decides to die.
Did I leave the oven on?

Oooh, and no one will die because he's dead in the Sub! They'll think sleeping out his massive hemorrage, right?

No, what will happen is that Foxx will do time for kidnapping and murder, as soon as an unlucky train employee finds Tom's body and they quickly link it to Foxx's spree through obvious forensic evidence and eyewitness corroboration. Self Defense has limits, yo.

Free Willy
Thanks kid. I'm off to torture sea lions before killing them!

Free Willy follows a boy's heroic quest to free his penis an Orca whale from it's evil owner's at Not-Sea world. And if you where born in the western world before 1991, you know he was succesfull in this endeavor.

If not,   quick summary. The boy met the whale in an illegal vandalism excursion, during which he was caught. He is put to work assisting in the aquarium, and he soon becomes good friends with Willy.

Once he learns of  the parko owner's plan to whack his precious willy, he, along with consenting adults, break out the whale from the aquarium on various vehicles.
You can't fuck wit our whales, motherfucker!

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to free an animal that is going to be killed for it's insurance money. But i'm pretty sure it's illegal to haul around an Orca whale on tha back of a truck without some kind of permit. Because sure, this guys are heroes if the whale lives, but if their transmission gives out and Willy dries up, that makes them reckless thieves.

So adding to the boy's rap sheet further breaking and entering charges, destruction of property as well as enviromental charges, he's probably, he's likely to face juvie hall. Allthough perhaps a local celebrity would intercede for him. Unless he's a whale hating cyborg. Then no.


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