Friday, January 27, 2017

Leaked in Early Secrets: The Plot to Kill Trump.


You are too beautiful for this ungrateful world, completely bereft of grates.


Hey, paisanos! It's your friendly neighborhood Batzarro, here to bring you  another installment of Leaked In Early Secrets, or L.I.E.S. for short.

Now, usually I'll talk about some upcoming game or movie or something of pop culture ephemera, but I can't. See, lately things have been feeling different. I'm full of energy, I'm happy, and things are looking up. And it's because Donald Trump won.

Yes, Donald Justin Trump has made America Great again, in ways that are very tangible. It's everywhere, from  the enormous crowds in his inaugural to the way the stocks have gone up, to the smile in a little girls face when you tell her  about a giant Wall in the desert, Donald Trump is like if God was a candidate for President, but more powerful than God. And I've posted again and again  and again about how fabulous he is and how beautiful he is!
 Don't listen to the haters, Donald! Our love will triumph over them!


But I worry about him. Which is why I moved my connections to see what sort of things I could find to help Make America Great Again. And what my contact, whom we'll call "Real Icecream" unncovered is shocking. Real Icecream, lot's of people are saying that they want to kill Donald Trump.  We met outside of a baseball park in Washington. As he complained about the lack of vanilla flavor, something Donald Trump is sure to fix, he explained to me exactly what he knew.

This plot comes from an unlikely place: The White House. You see, Republicans are already weighting in if Donald Trump is crazy and should be impeached for it. Which is what happens when you are a master strategist like him, full of love and power, beautiful and deadly. However, "Real Icecream" described to me a conversation he heard in the White House while Donald Trump was watching TV. All names have been redacted, because I'm too young to have a lawsuit in my hands, and I don't want to be killed by them either.  quote in yellow. Sue/kill my mysterious, unnamed, potentially unexistant source, not me!

Guy1: Congress is asking what the fuck is going on up here. They're asking what's wrong with POTUS.

Guy2: Look, honestly I thought it's be easier. I mean the dude believes in (Redacted Website), and If somebody should know how bullshit it is, it's me, cuz I used to run it.

Guy1: Well, we're gonna have to start weighting in if he's become a liability. He's very unpopular, we had more secret Service than people at the inaugural  and if he goes down without us taking him down, he'll drag us down.

Girl1: So what do we do? What are you gonna do, Guy1, electrocute him until he converts...into a dead man?

Guy1: Well, let's think about this: He's old, he's in visibly a very bad shape, you can make it look like natural causes...

Girl1: What do you mean, bad shape...

Guy2:  He's fat, he's balding, he don't look very manly at all. I mean, look at you, (Guy1) you don't look like you'll drop dead any time. Got the whole silver hair going on...

Girl1: He's gushing, aaaw! You'll make (redacted) jealous! You want to be first lady when Trump...

Guy2: (Redacted)'s not gay, he's just pretending. But at least he's not lying to himself like, half of (website's audience). Those guys watch Fight Club and then tell themselves they don't get a boner looking at Brad Pitt(laughs)

Guy1: Seriously, though, how we gonna do this? After the sanctions are off we're free to (slice neck gesticulation).

Girl2: Shoot him. Have some guy shoot him.

Girl1: Would people buy that? I mean, we're straining credulity with the (redacted refference to statement made) and the...what (Real Icecream) said.

Girl2: How many leader is been shot in  country? Kennedy, Lincoln. And Americans are believing it is aliens or Iluminatti that did it.

Guy2: Reagan, too. To impress Jodie Foster. Dude would have been an MRA today! Fucking Cucks!

Girl2: Who? I don't...

Girl1: They probably never ran those movies in Estonia.

Guy1: Look, we can decide that later.


At this point Real Icecream had to leave for a press conference, but he, and many other people, are claiming this really happend. I don't know if it is true, or if you can believe it, but many people are saying it. They're saying everyone is about to turn on the President. That's what THEY and not ME are saying, and I swear to God I have no way of verifying if this is true or false.
But Americans want you to resist, Donald, they are showing this to you!

If this was true, I would advice Mr President to trust no one. Everyone is, according to my source and what many people are saying, out to get him, and they haven't even decided how, and he should trust no one. In the end, I am, like you forced between choosing between believing some guy on the Internet whose motives are unclear, OR not believing that. But like my old Grammy used to say "Fuck it, break stuff". Or as I use it in Hashtags #FIBS. I never really understood what she meant and...I still don't, I guess. What's a fib, anyway?





Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Dear Liberals: My love for Trump won't be broken!

TRUMP IS MY LIFE AND IF HE IS IMPEACHED MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Ten Reasons Donald Trump wil be best President

Inseminate me Trump!
Let's not beat around the Bush! Donald Trump will be the best leader AMericas ever had! Here is why!

10) He has powerful bisnessness

Trump has more building with his name than Bark WhoINSANE O BAM BAM and HellaREEK Killingtons!

 Anyone who hates him is they don't have bildings

09) 70 and can lift a truck

I heard my cousins say they saw Trump lift a truck to get a kitten to safety. Mit Romney can't do that!

08)He's already fixed America just by existing

Donald Trump wasn't  always President, but he's always had a good influence. Ever since he exists videogames were created, the internet was created we killed Bin Laden and I was born, and I know Trump influenced it all

07) He helped Reform Joey Two Socks

Joey Two Socks used to be a criminal, but ever since he met Trump, he is now a legitimate busines mang!

06) He will both destroy Jews, and Help Jews

Donald Trump has drawn a lot of ire for one of his cabinet picks being anntisemitic. But his  daughter is also a converted jew and married to a Jew. So as you see, instead of etternaly debating whether  Jews are real people or not, or whether they deserve to be destroyed or not, he have finally found a middle ground!

05) He will be in history books

I have a feeling there will be a lot more writen about Donald Trump than Burka HAWKsein YOMAMA. Nobody's gonna say "You truly are the Baraka HU SHAME UMBABA of our time"

04) He's got the most fans

I went and counted it, Donald Trump has more fans than The Beatles, and is more living than a lot of them.

03) His sperm is strong

He has produced powerful children who are very strong and symetrical. His sperm is strong.

02) Nobody respects women like him

Some presidents may have respected women a little, but none took it 120% like Donald Trump

01) All other Presidents will be erase from history.

None shall be remember when Trump Troopers march upon historical records and purge them of Anti Tromp sentiment

Thursday, November 10, 2016

My Dream is become true! Donald Trump is President!

I have this recurring dream. I dreamt that I was tied to a bed.

Into the room came Donald Trump! He had only a towel, but it could barely conceal his enormous manhood. He yanked it off! His penis was enormous, and the foreskin was pure gold. It shone like the sun.

He climbed on top of me. "I want to have my way with you" and I was like YES! He was all, "but you have to pay"

He inserted his virile member into me. His muscles shone like  roast hams. He thrusted and thrusted, until he filled my ovaries with his powerful babies.

I was sad. "But our babies are all inferior. Will they be a loser like me"

He kindly pulled out a bunch of money from under his taint. "Then get a fucking abortion!" he yelled.

I was in awe. Raw power and magesty had been bestowed into me.

ANd now, we can all partake in the golden cock of the King of Truths himself, because Donald Jason Trump is President of the United States!

Mr President, we may not be able to have sex exactly like in my dream, but if you and Melania are up to is, my body is offered to you!

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Public Domain '16 Damage Report includes Supergirl, Ironman, Groot.

Happy Public Domain Day! I join Duke University in celebrating all the works that our current copyright has stolen out of the public domain.
But no offense, Dukey, nobody  gets angry they can't remake Gone with the Wind and shit. I don't know about you, but they didn't show that on TV when I was growing up. People need to know which pop culture artifacts of the today would have been everyone's soon.

This first year's list includes some of the more popular sidekicks and villains in the world, including some who are just now getting on TV and Movies!

I'm dividing this list into two parts.

After the first extension:



Copyright has been lengthened  for 40 years. First they gave it 20 in the 70s, then 20 more the 90s. The following are what would have happened if the second extension had not come to pass.

Lex Luthor


Luthor and Superman go together like nail and flesh.  While there's not a lot about him that's trademarkable (bald, mad scientist, villain) it'd be pretty neat to just up and use him without going all Superman 3 on him.

Cat Woman

Cat puns ahoy! While we're not short on cat themed femme fatales, this would be a total boon on those presumably working on Batman since last year.Catwoman is one of those characters who's just a part of modern Batman. She won't be alone, though since we'd also see...

The Joker


Batman's worst enemy for 75 years straight, the Joker would be a welcome addition to ANY  heroes universe. Or anything, really. Carebears vs Joker? Why nawt?

Green Lantern


 

While not covering the current space cop Green Lanterns, I doubt the opportunity to reinvent Alan Scott, who fought crime with a literal Green Lantern, would be considered a great loss.

Hugo Strange
 

Batman is all  the rage on this list, huh? Hugo Strange is a psychologist, but is also somewhat of a supervillain that wants to kill Batman or maybe fuck him, I don't know.

Flash
 
The original Flash, Jay Garick, could be racing with Quicksilver today.

Hawkman

 

Okay, I don't really know who loves Hawkman. He's just all...well you could use him, anyway.



Robin



Robin is..we all know about Robin. You could go to remote islands  with no electricity and find people who know about Robin. What I'm saying is, it's a bit bullshit that he's not public domain.



But hold on! When those works were created, copyright lasted 56 years.   The above all should have lapsed years ago, and we should be already be getting works from 1959, according to those Commie Pinkos THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

So what stuff from 1959 would lapse today?

Hal Jordan Green Lantern
Hey, unlike the other list, this one includes most of the core elements of today's GL. Carrol Ferris. Guardians.

Supergirl

In this timeline, Superman has lapsed years ago. But until this year, Supergirl remains  locked up.

Gorilla Grodd
With our current fascination with hig concepts, I imagine the villainous, talkig gorilla would be a welcome addition.

Batmite
 

Okay, this one's a bit stupid. Okay, a lot stupid. Batmite is a magic being from another dimension that was around during Batman's "stupid as fuck" phase. Hey, Batman's public domain now, you can do whatever you want with him.

Bizarro
Bizarro am not....Bizarro is one of Superman's most celebrated characters. An endearingly backward version of Superman, Bizarro's just one of those characters you can always find an angle to.

Ironman


Ironman! The guy from the movies! We're not quite talking gold and red demon in a bottle Iron Man yet.

Groot
Groot wasn't always Groot. Well not the Groot he is today. He was once a megalomaniacal tree man from space. I'm guessing that could have it's own uses.


Black Widow
Okay,like Luthor, there's not a lot that Natasha Romanov  has that's  visually important. But  hey,  she's bound to have fans.

Mr Freeze
If you liked chilling with the villains, Mr Freeze would be right up your street. While his mega tragic backstory would remain offlimits for 3 decades more, you'd need fear no lawsuis for including the bubbleheaded icemaster.




I want to make it perfectly clear that when these works were copyrighted, the makers and owners of these characters knew full well that their work was supposed to lapse in 56 years, okay? It was supposed to be an incentive for them to create, and it worked, and now it's not fair to back down and say WE'RE wrong for wanting them to uphold their part of the deal. There's no serious reason why making a Supergirl movie should be  a crime at this point. But it IS.



 That's just my opinion, though. What do you think?






Monday, February 23, 2015

Game release lineup for 2015

A completely unrelated picture to start the post.


With the release (that I'll probably update eventually, because I made it hurriedly for a gamejam) of Monsters of the King, that marks my 3rd or so published game. I've come to realize that when I'm just making a game that I wanna make, usually like a fighting game or something, I usually don't finish it, but when I put it in my head to make a game for a gamejam, with the date looming over me, suddenly I burst forth and finish it. UNLESS...stuff gets in my way. That's why I'm putting unchangeable dates to all the games I'm planning. So I'm going to grab all the ideas on my head, and put some dates to them, see if I can't get the games done.

Freeze Fever: Let it Snow!
May 1

Do you wanna build a dough man?


Freeze Fever will be released March 1. I've already begun working on it. In FF, you play as The Snow Queen from Hans Anderson's The Snow Queen. You know, the story that was recently popularized by Disney's Frozen, but that has barely jack squat to do with it except for like, two or 3 things?

In my version, The Snow Queen is doing what she does best: trying to turn people to her side by freezing their hearts. You, as the Snow Queen, must keep Gerda from reaching the warmth of a campfire.  Don't let her go!

You cannot Escape, money! No YOU will be the one escaping!

Avenger's Legacy


April 23
The famous public domain hero Avenger is dead, and it's up to you as one of 5 other public domain heroes to found out who did it and why! A multiplayer plataformer action game!
I'm way more focused on whether I could do it than wether I should, okay?
PLANET JURASSIC
June 2
Michelle and Rodriga are former slaves of the lizard like T'saurians. They think they are safe by escaping into a planet, but it turns out to be full of dinosaurs! Using their Genominator bracelets, they must, themselves turn into dinosaurs and escape to a crashed ship! A Beat-Em-Up, very much in the vain of Altered Beast

I'll be BUCKS
Termination
Gynoid
 June 15
In the future, a robotic prostitute with a heard of iron must  overcome a robot insurrection by an AI. A sidescrolling shooter.

un amigo es un peso en el bolsillo





Brownies: Hoof or Mare
July 25
A Girl earns from fairies the power to transform into a magical pony-like being. She must use this power to find the Star Brownies before the evil wizard Bartroh finds them! A Plataformer.

Fantasy Four
August 1

Fantasy Four Follows four heroines tasked with the secret mission of destroying the Cannibal Planet threatening the earth! Four player action! Four Sexy Heroes!

WHO THE HELL TAKES 20 YEARS TO TRANSLATE A GAME!?

Star Odyssey VII: The War Awakens
December 10
Based on my Best Selling Book Fighting Hero of the Galaxy, itself based on the public domain movie Star Odyssey, aka 7 Golden Men from Space, AKA Metallica, , Star Odyssey puts you to play as heroine Olivia Carrera as she races to stop the evil Koboldi race from enslaving all humanity.


Heeeey...why are you looking at me like that? I told you! I can't work on my own deadlines. So I'm letting whatever is going on at the time dictate what I release.  I also did a lot of work on a game called  9 + 1 Deadly Holes with Sexy Kunoichi, a stealth/golf fame, for a gamejam I wasn't able to put the game on(only because stuff happened in real life.) Like Monsters of the King, I just need to add some stages and such and put it all in a pita wrapper and it's a game.

So what do yo guys think? Biting off more than I can chew?

Friday, February 13, 2015

In Monsters of the King, YOU are the boss

Friends and neightbors, for years we've guided heroes from the left of the screen to the right, with little thought of just how those enemies came to be possitioned so. Well, wonder no more, because my new game will shed some light on that!



As Sister Brains, it is your job to keep Sir-Jumps-A-Lot from getting to the end of the stage. Lay down enemies, time his jumps, and keep him away from those power ups and a winner will you be!

Took me two weeks. Done for the Backwards Game Jam.  Lots of stuff left on the cutting room floor. Might finish later. Get it here.