Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Why didn't no one tell me?

Is there an academy award category for mammaries?

I mean Christina Hendricks as Wonder Woman? I know it'll probably not be, but...

Not you: YOU TWO, get over here!

I didn't even know about this amazing woman until today, but she has completely revolutionized my understanding of what breasts are. Are they fake? Hell yeah. But we don't have enough women with porn-star breasts starring in our mainstream movies. All you guys swooning over Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox, I'll never understand you. I guess collagen is an aphrodisiac to some. There's pretty,there's sexy, and there's stacked, and there's I support Christina Hendrick's Breasts for the role because of their outstanding achievement on the field being stacked.

However, we must temper our excitement: the guy who is sure can do what Joss Whedon could not, Nicholas Refn ,has talked about HIS plan on Diana of Themyscira's adventures.

...because the real origin of Wonder Woman is: What if women were more powerful than men? What would the world be like? That’s a subliminal theme.

The whole idea of a woman who is basically more powerful than any man — and who will always be that, and comes from a society of women who are more powerful than men — is an interesting theme that I think can be very contemporary.

The guy made Valhalla rising, which sure is a film that exists. And his take on the material seems pretty alright. I hope it turns out well, so we can watch the deep impoications of gender relations wrestle Christina Hendricks into the ground, her chest heaving, swinging wildly her mighty  breasts of justice, dirty with sand and sweat.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Golden Age is all the Rage: The witch on the Haunted Hills

Wow. Marine Biology's so exciting!

If anyone really follows this blog with any consistency, they may have noticed I've been a bit obsessed. Obsessed with this:
How are you talking underwater? of a panel, from Moon Girl fights crime #8. If anyone  would have followed they may wonder why I would care about this panel so much? It's not Robocop riding a unicorn, or even Dr Doom riding a unicorn.What's the big deal?

Well, in a nutshell, the big deal is that it's the exclamation point to an insane horror story where a Werewolf, a mermaid and a witch plot to rule the world, and are stopped by a uber-woman in short-shorts. The longer version is more hits to me, though.

The tale begins in a dark forest with a man escaping from a wolf , who takes the time to show him her true form! A good looking woman!

Meh. I'd still do her.
Turns out Mabelene the werewolf is working for the evil witch Lurani, who cites this as her sponsor spirits: the fiends of Archenar, Azrael, Cheth, Shin , Vau,  and many more funny names.

She sure as hell is enslaving a creature of MY nether regions.

But mostly the Moon-God, which is weird because it is the heroine of the story is also moon centric, also calls upon various spiritual entities for powers, and even has a moonstone as a source of her powers.  Doesn't this...Moon-God have a conflict of interest?
And could you pick up  breakfast on the way back?
In either case,  Lurani has been sending her Wolf girl(snicker) assistant Mabelene to to bring here men to sacrifice, that she may acquire power and as such, rrrrrrrrrrrule the wuuuuurld!  She is unaware, however, that  vacationing in that very creepy neck of the woods is Claire Lune, alias Moongirl, and Prince Mengu. Claire decides to take a dip in the lake, when all of a sudden she spots a mermaid, swimming in the lake with a chest on her hands. And you know, it goes exactly where you'd expect.
She isn't even angry: She just thinks your necks just needs to be fuckin' choked.

Claire, who does not bring here superpower giving moonstone with her to lake creepy-as-shit, is casually choked and buried under rocks by the mermaid.  This may seem out of line for our generation who grew up with  The Little Mermaid and Splash, but Mermaids are not to be fucked with. And that's not just cuz they ain't have no vagina in the traditional sense.

Still, Mengu bails her out and she learns a lot of creepy stuff has been happening in the area. Meanwhile, we learn that the mermaid was working for Lurani.
Soon we will be able to afford a shirt for you!

I am not sure where having a mermaid steal gold is part of the other plan. Like, you sacrifice humans because you need power to get earth-money, but you use the money to fund dark arts research? Maybe the power to control mermaids is the reward, because Undina the Mermaid spends the issue silent, while Mabelene the wolf  occassionally answers to stuff leading me to think Undina is not in control of herself. Still, Moon-God wants more blood, and so the Wolfgirl is dispatched to look for idiots to sacrifice.

Meanwhile, Moongirl is on the hunt for the werewolf bitch. Prince Mengu has some reservations about the existence of werewolves and mermaids, which I guess make less sense than an cyclopes and alien  amazon kidnappers.
Look, listen to the guy who descends from Hercules, you magic moonstone wearing princess: mermaids are not real!

But Moongirl eventually finds and kills the Wolfette, which makes Lurani shut down the whole operation, send away her demons, free the kidnapped people(I thought they'd gotten sacrificed...) and it results in this being the last panel of a Moongirl comic that doesn't have romance on the title.
I heard New York now allows mermaid-on-witch marriage.

I love this panel because I, as a man with too much free time in his hands, see a mishmash of a story with enslaved mythological creatures sacrificing victims  for money and I think, how could I make this make sense, if I where to adapt this material? And I am.  I already started working on it. You have been warned.

Are you coming on to me?

Saturday, June 25, 2011

GIFstory of a Devil

...For what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial?
When you fight a devil, be a devil yourself or you can't win!
Oh, I'll always have a chance in hell, David.
What's the matter? You come to fight a madman, and instead find a god? Do you still refuse to accept my godhood? Keep your God! In fact, now may be a good time to pray to Him! For I beheld Satan as he came down from Heaven! 
In Before someone accuses me of shoving my religion down their throat!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Son of a Pitch: Duke Nukem Returns

Way to miss the point of the joke.

Well, amazingly, after 12 years of development hell, constant do overs, and legal disputes, Duke Nukem Forever is available, and aparently it doesn't meet the expectation of a game with over a decade of problems based on tired old premise.

In one way, Duke Nukem should feel right at home in a universe that likes Family Guy, what with it's crude attempts at edge and  and hanging on to the nostalgia of better products in a slipshod attempt at holding your attention. ON the other hand concepts like "adult content" and referential humor just aren't enough to sell a game anymore. Not in this age. Since the last  time Duke was around, Grand Theft Auto 3 was released,  Halo was released,  and far too many Call of Duties where released. The Bar is set higher.
Younger Duke Nukem, already trying too hard...

And yet Duke Nukem insists on doing the same tired parody and irreverence bullshit. It's like someone you've known all your life suddenly blowing a raspberry on your belly and going "whosabigbabie!Ppffffft!". The industry is grown up, Uncle Nukem. It's been married for 3 years now!
We have games where you can play as a naked drug dealer now. Stop telling me what your balls are made off.

So where does that leave the franchise? Where should Duke, a sauropod in the world of Homo Sapiens go now? Should he continue to parody people who are now too busy starring in Basic Cable T.V. and hiding their mistresses? My answer is yes...and no...

See,it's like Doom...and I feel like a "but" should go in here...
Instead of playing something really outdated and cool and radical and all that shit, we should play something outdated as something outdated and crazy that doesn't fit a "modern" videogame. You can still have Duke act like he's the greatest thing ever, but every other character be eyerolling at his mind-numbing catchphrases and thoughtless sexism. Make Duke a Quixotic figure, a man who grossly missunderstands the real world. ANd then you can have a rich world with three dimensional characters that have to deal with their only hope being Schwarzstallonsnipe Campbell Van Damme.
We fight as one (highly derivative character)!

Sure, in a way, this is forcing the audience to identify with characters that aren't Duke Nukem, but it's also a clever opportunity to deconstruct the First person mythos in a clever way. Instead of forcing the player to like Nukem, they either get to agree with every character in the game, or decide they're all haters and play the Duke persona "straight". And it;s also an opportunity to set "old school" vs New School. How would a guy who clearly comes from a different world react when faced with modern concepts? It could lead to some good satire of not only the stranger parts of yesteryear's gaming, but of today's prevalent concepts and attempts at edge.

And it's overdue, really.
It's the only way I see it working. You could try to "update" Duke, but that would just wash him of his (not so) original characteristics. And what are you gonna do? Make him a parody of Christian Bale and Sam Worthington? And hey, if a franchise that was never respectable like Bloodrayne can suddenly gain newfound design and respect, why can't Duke Nukem be reimagined?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

More Heroes without a cause( that ain't stupid)

Also,  Starro's coming and all we've got to fight him is fucking arrows. But at least gaygaygyagyagyaygygaygaygaygays RIGHTSRIGHTSRIGHTERIGHTS.

There are many people around the world who will not survive to the end of this sentence. This is a sad truth of the world we live in. Think of at least 3 ways to solve that. Did at least one of those involve punching people in the face?

Well, that's because in the real world, you can't solve complex social and economic problems with punching and witty comebacks, silly goose. That would be crazy. Rel life requires consensus and sacrifice to make reforms work, and a keen awareness of history to keep things from slipping back down.
Don't smoke...because...villain!

However, nobody told the creators of two unlikely heros, that join the ranks of Marijuana Man and  Foreskin Man as the heroes that the world probably doesn't need.

Oddly enough, the first one is created by a famous/infamous Frank Miller, whose work on Daredevil and Batman has become iconic enough to be put into bad movies.

Ever since 911, the big two of comics, Marvel and DC, have pretty much agreed that it would be in poor taste to have their superheros fighting Al Quaeda. or other Islamic Terrorist organizations. After all, this would sully the memories of those who died, and continue to die at the hands of terrorism of the non Die Hard variety. However, Frank Miller, having somewhat a different taste of what is acceptable, has since 2006 touting  a planned Graphic Novel in which Batman fought and I guess defeated, AL Quaeda and Osama Bin Laden.

The story has since resurfaced as not starring DC's Batman, but an entirely new hero...the FIXER!

Sorry! Let me try again: THE FIXER!

The new Rorouni Kenshin will not fuck around with Shishio's bullshit.

Yes, the Fixer will bring Al Quaeda to justice for what they did.  Now, let me say that, yes, I do believe terrorist should be fought. Buuuuut...

Come on. It's 2011! Ten  years after the towers fell. Since then Osama Bin Laden has been gunned down. I don't think that will take down his organization, Final Fantasy style, but as the main face of Al Quaeda  to America and sought after military goal, this should signify the end of the "let's gettem!" part of the war. Some are saying it might present a satire or lampshading of American attitudes on the War on Terror, to which I say: You're even later to the party.

Everyone, EVERYONE has done that. From Prince of Persia to The Dark Knight. It's not 2006 anymore. Everyone did it, and I don't think Frank Miller's gonna do it better.

Folks, sometimes I feel bad about my drawing skills. I've always wanted to work on art. but I'm not that great at the pencils and lousier at the colors. And when I feel down on myself...I go to  Indie Planet, where anyone can post a comic, and sell it. The results come off like you'd expect:. The quality, mediocre, and insane all mingle in a melting pot of weird.

So one day Batzarro is checking the offerings and comes across this:


What was it. It used the font of the Planet of the Apes, seemed to be about toking. So, you know, interest peaked.  What the hell plot puts together Marijuana and Planet of the Apes?

A stoner’s journey to legalize marijuana takes an unexpected twist in which they find themselves on a planet where only Apes can toke.  But where in the universe are they and how did this upside down world get started?

Or so goes the official synopsis. And in case you where wondering, between the part photoshopped, part poorly  drawn art there is a message in there. And there's like six issues of this thing, which I'm guessing hasn't been sued into oblivion because they don't know about it.

Now, I haven't read the book , but what is the big deal with Apes being able to use drugs, but humans aren't, if humanity is subjugated by apes? Isn't the subjugation the bigger evil? It's an admission that, yes, Legalizing Marijuana isn't the most important issue facing the world today, and for all it's benefits, most of it's advocates just want the one where they get to get high without fear of repercussion, not make pants out of Marijuana. Even the hero of this story is defined by being  a stoner.

And again, your audience is already there with you. Do you think people who are against legalization  want to read a terrible 6 Issue riff on Apes to be able to agree with you, especially one that looks this bad.

So, you know, if you're passionate about your beliefs, go ahead. Make a comic about it. Just...try to keep it from being stupid, mmmkay?

M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 11

Late adopter over here!
The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, a reckless act of trolling.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


Hmm...I owe the Asylum an apology. I made a big deal (and gif) about Thor pulling his huge ass hammer from his coat. However, Wikipedia alerts me to the following regarding Mjolnir.

... (Mjolnir) would be able to strike as firmly as he wanted, whatever his aim, and the hammer would never fail, and if he threw it at something, it would never miss and never fly so far from his hand that it would not find its way back, and when he wanted, it would be so small that it could be carried inside his tunic.

Of course, this is Mjolnir, and not the Hammer of Invincibility spoken of in the movie. However, I'm not that much of a jerk to not admit this is probably what they where going for. At least with the first one. I don't know what the fuck the second one was.

Carry on, Thor.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Green Lantern's light on cash?

He doesn't care about the green skins either.

 Well, well well. So Green Lantern isn't making half of it's budget in the first weekend. I remember years ago, when Justice League was getting hated on, and all y'all nerds where sure it would  bomb to hell and that it would drag down every DC property until they couldn't have movies? And how they needed Hal Jordan because John Stewart was boring? Seems that the Green Lantern movie geared with fanboys in mind that has a recognizable name in the doing what you expected JLM to do.

If it seems I'm bitter over something that went down 4 years ago, that's because I am.   But now we have to deal with it. If Warner is anything like they ussually are, they'll say the stew is rotten and won't make any more DC movies. A bunch of cynical idiots will say that the characters are the problem, even though we totally live in a world where Transformers movies make money, like that franchise was ever full of tridimensional studies on the  human condition.

However, Inferno was totally awesome and insane.

The truth there is no truth. It could be great and bomb, it could be terrible and succeed. Duke Nukem Forever already exists, and people are surprised it sucks. They thought they spent all this time having production problems because the game was too awesome. However, X-Men: First Class was fasttracked by Fox and turns out it's getting good reviews. But it seems this movies with fanboys in mind like Watchmen and Green Lantern fail, while stuff that focuses on being a movie lives.

Oh, well, looking forward to movies about every Marvel character in existence. And Batman and Superman too. Lots and lots of Batman and Superman for the good part of a new decade...

Sunday, June 19, 2011

The Thank around

Ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up.

Two Fridays ago, the Repaneled Blog featured my drawing of a Witch  riding a Mermaid. As such I did the proper thing and forgot it for two weeks. But now I will rectify. I'm adding the Repaneled Blog to my list of allies. This is fancy talk for putting a link aside my Blog. Also, Repaneled needs more people to remake comic book panels.  I'm sure you can do it better than me.

What the hell are you guys searching for NOW?


I didn't write is, but I thought it. I thought it.

You heard it here, first.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Another walk in the Park

Hey, I was right about MODOK, Wasn't I?

My earliest memory is that of a dream I was having. I saw a dinosaur, a Brontosarus, and...that was pretty much it.

I tell you this so you know, I've always had a thing for dinosaurs,  ever since I was a kid. Dinosaucers, Dino Riders, T-Rex... even for a boy with access to one channel, Dinosaurs where pretty prevalent in my childhood. Then Jurassic Park happened, and nothing could top it. The movie's over two decades old, and I've still to see dinosaurs as impressive and ALIVE as Jurassic Park's. If it seems hyperbole, what has been more so? King Kong? A Sound of Thunder? Land of the Lost? No. No. Jurassic Park.

Which is why I'm excited about the rumored fourth movie in the franchise Spielberg is reportedly cooking up. Dinosaurs are way cooler than vampires and zombies which permeate the landscape now. The only reason there aren't 3 dinosaur movies a year is because a vampire is hard to screw up visually.  Zombies are easy to make on a budget. Dinosaurs? Try and save money and you'll end up with Carnosaur.
However, Jurassic Park doesn't have a Laura Dern's mom giving birth to a dinosaur, does it?

I do have some recomendations for Spieldberg. You know, I'm not somebody of importance or who knows his stuff, but I do believe the following things could make the next movie way better.

Yeah, nigersaurus, yeah!

More of the weirder Dinosaurs.

The franchise has spent most of the known Dinosaurs.AND Spinosaurus. But there are more dinosaurs out there that don't get no respect. Look at this guys. With a little  modification, all of them could have a place in the new films.
No way they'd do it.

No more Ingen Islands, and don't bring back anyone.

I mean, I like Jeff Goldblum as Ian Malcolm, but every time they bring back this guys to whatever many islands there are left with dinosaurs in them, it an excercise in contrivance. Bring in Biosyn,  Ingen's dark nemesis from the books. Have them figure a way to create dinosaurs and then put the heroes in there.

That's an...extreme dinosaur...

Don't do that thing they said you where gonna do.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Frequently Stupid Question: Is this soundtrack by James Horner?

Well, let's see...

"Do I make you Horner?

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Say...aren't you trying too hard?

Drawings of zombies? Why, yes, I do want to enroll on a shitty online university!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Good old innapropriate toys

When I was young, like, under 10, I was in love with a movie called Robocop. It worked on me on the level a movie about a cop who is also a robot works for a kid. Back then, I didn't know what cocaine was, what a hooker was, or that movies they showed on TV where translated. Upon reviewing it as an older boy, the satire of culture, and the harrowing violence became more apparent(and appealing) to me. But as a kid, I could walk into my school's candy shop and purchase this...
Drop it! And then beg your  parents to buy more!

...without any sense of irony or mockery I bought a plastic Robocop Torso that contained candy inside. The candy was the same stupid candy that people make  bracelets out of. That is to say, you'd as soon put it on your sweaty neck than in your gullet. But it didn't matter. It was endorsed by fucking Robocop!

What's more, if you wrestled his helmet out of him he had an unpainted Alex Murphy face in there.  But you ruined the back of the head, though.

I got into several sci fi classic films as a kid, such as Predator or the Fly. One I never got into was Alien. It was probably on the channels that I didn't get. In fact, my earliest memories of Aliens are these two guys.

Drop it! And later find it under the couch next to some cat shit.
"Angus Beef" they call it...

Jump, Jump