Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Good old innapropriate toys

When I was young, like, under 10, I was in love with a movie called Robocop. It worked on me on the level a movie about a cop who is also a robot works for a kid. Back then, I didn't know what cocaine was, what a hooker was, or that movies they showed on TV where translated. Upon reviewing it as an older boy, the satire of culture, and the harrowing violence became more apparent(and appealing) to me. But as a kid, I could walk into my school's candy shop and purchase this...
Drop it! And then beg your  parents to buy more!

...without any sense of irony or mockery I bought a plastic Robocop Torso that contained candy inside. The candy was the same stupid candy that people make  bracelets out of. That is to say, you'd as soon put it on your sweaty neck than in your gullet. But it didn't matter. It was endorsed by fucking Robocop!

What's more, if you wrestled his helmet out of him he had an unpainted Alex Murphy face in there.  But you ruined the back of the head, though.

I got into several sci fi classic films as a kid, such as Predator or the Fly. One I never got into was Alien. It was probably on the channels that I didn't get. In fact, my earliest memories of Aliens are these two guys.

Drop it! And later find it under the couch next to some cat shit.
"Angus Beef" they call it...

Jump, Jump

Bishop(with fall into easy to lose appendages) and the Bull Alien. Now, I've yet to see Alien 3...but was there an actual Bull Alien?

Come to think of it, the 90s hadsome pretty nasty aliens to sell to kids. And none where nastier than the Mars Attack Aliens. Sure, ID4 aliens blew up the White House, but the Martians snuck into it, pretended to befriend the president, then impaled him with a novelty hand.

Still, they where aliens, so I'm sure even though the movie wan't quite child-friendly, you could hav eaction figures for the Tim Burton old Scifi homage, right?
You know, guys, I don't think you SAW the movie, y'know?

Or you could make them more monster-like, and also nothing like the movie.  This guy spent the last decade cluttering up my house, having lost his cape-jacket and shoulder-pads and became a bulky reminder that not all toys are accurate to the movies.

None of that for me. I like my action figures as close to the source as possible. Except for the one...

Only a true ninja can pull off the "one piece bathing suit made out of cheetahs from Bizarro World look."

 April O'Neil, Ninja Newscaster! Known by me as Ninja April. For reasons that are really confusing to me, I developed an unhealthy  crush  on this lady. I took her everywhere, and took offense when a fellow action figure enthusiast suggested we should simulate her defiling. The taking her everywhere part ended up being her undoing, as a trip to the beach proved to be the end of our doomed romance.

 The end?


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