Monday, June 6, 2011

5 MORE terrible videogame character names

Good old Destiny's child with Beyonce, Kelly and...those other girls. Hmm...
 What's in a name? Everything. There is power in naming. A name sets the tone of what people think of you. Good names keep a character memorable. Bad names keep a character derided.

I already told you about bad names, and the characters who sport them. But there's always one(or 5) that get away. Which is why I'm coming back for 5 terribly named characters.

Cream the Rabbit-Sonic the Hedgehog
I like my coffee like I like my Sonic games: by not caring if  they has cream or not.

I don't think there is any subtle way to say it, so I'll come right out and shoot: Cream the Rabbit really sounds like someone is requesting for someone else to ejaculate on a rabbit. Now, if Paheal is any indication, many of you do want to cream rabbits. And more power to you, you disturbing fuckos. But  if we could disassociate that from little girls as much as possible, I'd be thankful. Though I will still judge.

Dogs Bowser- Blue Stinger

Big on that "Wind" shit.
Sure, the world of Blue Stinger is pretty weird. There's an island called Dinosaur Island, thought there are no dinosaurs in it. There are plenty of crabmutants and elevator music, though.

Our two protagonists are Elliot Ballade and  Dogs Bowser. Now, Elliot Ballade is a weird name,  but I can't say it's as bad as Dogs simply because it's a family name. I could easily see a family name like Ballade existing. What I can't see is a parent calling it's child "Dogs". Plural Dogs. As a name. Even if he where a Bounty Hunter, his theme would be pretty stupid. "Dogs, the Bounties Hunters!". Pshh. End then there's the elephant in the room about his familly name...

Paavo-Alter Echo

Never seen a man crapping Kirby Krackle?

Alter Echo is a game mostly remembered for it's trippy visuals an shapeshifting platformer gameplay. Also, it's not remembered.

The game's antagonist was a hammy, hammy man named Paavo. Now, I guess this is a common in eastern  Europe or something but there are several of us who speak Spanish. For us...this is what Paavo is.

And now I made myself hungry and my sister upset. Thanks, Alter Echo.

 That aside, what else can you think about when you think of a name like Paavo? That creepy guy who wore people's faces in Repo? He's the master of making  plaster into superweapons and sentient beings.  He should be like, Plastero, Plaster of Plastetism!

Kabuki Jo-War Gods
He's trying to become  a 'REAL' artist, you know?
Let's face it, War Gods isn't exactly cool name heaven.  There's a witch named Pagan and a Voodoo guy named....Voodoo.It's clear they where just winging it.

That said, Kabuki Jo gets  the worst of it. The Japanese theater form known as Kabuki has very rarely been associated with good videogames(Kabuki Klash notwithstanding. That game and it's names are awesome), and while War Gods isn't exactly good, Midway still should have known better. Still...Jo? Is it because there's a staff called jō? And the character uses a staff? Or did they wanted to call the character Kabuki JOE? It's terrible either way, just different form of terrible.

Way to cosplay-bait there, Namco.

No. NOOOOO. No-no. N-WO. No.

Bob? Really? When Street Fighter decided to add a fat non-sumo guy, they at least named something that sounds a little like rough. Tekken mad a super-average looking fat guy who looks like he should be fighting cardiac arrest and diabetes if anything and named him...Bob.

Not Bob the Builder, not Bob the Goon, and certainly not Bob, Agent of Hydra. Bob. Goddamn it, Tekken!


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