Wednesday, January 30, 2013

No gods or kings or dubiosly drawn women.

Rob Liefeld has created many many characters  that he owns. Already a millionaire, he, like any self respecting nerd would like to see those adapted to film with additional economic incentives clearly not hurting.But it seems like a strange curse keeps his creations confined to the books, mostly. Despite having announced many of his negatively named homunculi to be headed for the silver screen, none yet have made it.

The latest on this string of vaporfilms is Godyssey, a high concept crossover between that never saw completion, because...well...
Jesus 's not gonna take THIS lying down.

...because  Jesus kinda kung fu fights the Greek Gods. Now that is an amusing image, but naturally some of this stuff won't make it unless it's some kind of religious satire, like the Last Temptation of Christ or Superstar, which it is not because RL cleary drew Jesus backhanding Posiedon as serious shit... What's getting the cut, Robbie boy?


Oh really? The only thing that happens in Godyssey is that Jesus fights the Toga Squad. Essentially they're removing the key elements from this cruddy unfinished story and turning it in Godyssey in dumb name only.
  It's like making a Spider-Man movie based on the first Spider-Man comic cover that  follows Moira McTaggert and Kavita Rao.It's gonna be some shitty League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but with gods, now.

But It's gonna be true to the source material, because it'll  never be done.

Fighting Female February! 2013 Edition!

 Allright, it's 2013, and  the world is evidently not over. So I continue to like females in fighting games and continue to try to dedicate a month to them, despite myself. I've still got some stuff backed up from the last one(such as this wonderful Banner) I couldn't use, so I plan to use that and complement with new stuff.  If  I don't do it, whose gonna? You?

Ridiculous Star Wars dreamcasting: Bounty hunters

One day people will say "I've done Star Wars" like they now say "I've done Shakespeare"

Episode VII mania is running wild! Everyone is getting asked if they'd participate! And we're several years away from it! J.J. Abrahams is totally directing it!  This obviously calls for some high level wishfull thinking, and obviously I'm the nerfherder for the job.   The problem is, well, we don't even know what characters are gonna be, and they'll probably be mostly new. What I will do is split my suggestions in character types according to Traditional SW lore.

Today we're gonna be looking at bounty hunters. As an inheritance from the  western side of star wars, bounty hunters have become a staple of the franchise, despite  a score of 0 victories. Whether they end up evil or not depends on the writer, but if there must be hired blasters, consider...

Michelle Rodriguez
This is a personal prefference for sure, but I kinda like Michelle Rodriguez. Don't know if I've ever let that on. But beside that, you know she'd be a shoe in for a tough Mandalorian that dies.

Ron Pearlman

Ron Pearlman has an awesome voice, and sort of looks a little ape-ish. I'd put im in ep7 in a heartbeat. Remember, with this characters your not going with Oscar wothy performances. Nice voice, vaguely threatening looks, , done deal.

Dolph Lundgren
Lundgren is always best as a support character. He's got the voice and the physic. Let im on!

Clancy Brown
Clancy Brown's   pretty good as a voice actor. If you must have a masked Bounty hunter whose face no one sees, and he's super smooth, Clancy Brown it is.

Monday, January 28, 2013

The Ridiculous Remake-Reboot-Adaptation-Sequel betting Pool

It's a whole new year, and with it, sure to come are a whole series of new films based on old shit.  But what else are we going to do with all our loose

Colin Farrels? And so, I have decided to skip to the chase and call out the movies that will destroy our childhoods, as soon as they're being announced and

done and stuff. This are the movies I believe we'll be reading about this year. As such, it is necessary that we give each category of bad idea it's own

section. Here goes nothing.

Live Action-CG abomination based on cartoon.

After the perfectly putrid test footage for Hong Kong Phooey, I realized something: studios just don't care for funny animal universes inhabited by humans.

Hong Kong Phooey HAS to be a toilet water drinking dog, as has to Underdog. What's my bet? I've two.

Pinky and the Brain

Pinky and the Brain is going to be announced this year. However, by the time it's on screens it'll be more about a guy that has to learn a lesson from these megalomaniac mice. WB did everything it could to bury the franchise forever, but perhaps it's time to drag the proverbial corpse out of it's proverbial grave  and humiliate it some more. Taking the name and designs, yet utterly ignoring the show's original attitude and heart.

Also Secret Squirrel.

Secret Squirrel is one of those franchises that was never important enought to bring out but to the most all inclusive company wide events. Essentially

Inspector Gadget, but a squirrel and with a racially offensive sidekick, Secret squirrel is needed to come back by no one. So expect this one in 3D soon.

Perfectly fine stand alone film redone

Gritted up Children's story.

Well, we're all children on the inside? So gimme a story for kids, but make it really morbid for me and my graying beard.

The Christmas Toy

A fairly obscure movie that may or may not have inspired Toy story, the movie followed on the premise of sentient living toys with a catch: if humans saw them, they died. So obviously it was already gritty. That's why they'll remake it extra gritty, with the toys hatching  a plan to blind all the humans in the house with a laser.

Old dormant franchise given a sequel

Sometimes a decade just doesn't feel like a decade. When a film franchise spends  more than a decade out of theaters, the idea of directly continuing it is

almost always a bad one. But this is the year when they announce:

Lethal Weapon 5

Lethal Weapon both belongs to a genre that's not on vogue (buddy cop stories) and has a cast member who's not allowed into big movies anymore on account of being a terrible person. It's also on double digits since the last movie came out. This is the year when the sequel is announced. Or should I say prequel?

Lethal Weapon 0: The Early Years starring Donald Glover and Sam Witwer!

Readapted, this time less bad:
Yo, last time we tried to make a movie about this, it turns out we ruined everything. Let's only ruin most of it now.

Tomb Raider

While I think it's kind of cheating, since this is one of those thing's that gets mentioned every once in a while, this is the year when it goes somewhere.

And since Hunger Games "proved" that you can make a movie with a woman lead and it might sell(you know, if it doesn't suck and the marketing isn't bad and it's got a strong word of mouth for the source material. Like every other movie, stupid executives.) it's just as well that Tomb Raider might finally get out of Dev-Hell.

Wait, what the hell?

Ha! Your hubris will be your undoing! Just when you think I can't get any more dumb ideas, I'll announce:

Sailor Moon: The Movie

With maybe even an Asian or two in there! It IS a team, after all. And they'll need plenty of bad guys to fight.

The Arnold Schawrzennegger "dragging out an old man to pretend he's an action star again" award

I'm not too old for this kids! Watch me reactivate an old franchise and shame myself!

"Escape From" series.

Kurt Russel hasn't been seen in a while in anything big. So let's drag him, almost 30 years older than he was, put him in a tank top and an eye patch and a mullet, and pretend he doesn't  start gasping for air if he talks too loud. See where it gets ya.

Announced, yet unlikely to exist:

Oh, this movies totally for sure gonna come out soon. I was just talking to Roberto Zemeckis's and he's totally letting me do it.

Justice League

:D :) {:]{3| {:[ {;C...

Just kidding(except for the emoticons)

E.T. 2

Spieldberg will finally be ready to free himself from  2 decade's worth of writers block and finally get on with that sequel to E.T. he's always wanted to do. The answers to your questions are CG, In 3D and  May 15, 20NO.

What are your guesses? Let's come back her enext year and compare notes.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

The future is stupid: X-Men Days of future past

Hello, future dwellers. I know not how things will change in 2013. Here in the past Romney is a few weeks from facing Obama in the elections, and I'm easing my way into a Bible salesman of some sort.

But you have a lot to look forward to...unless the vision of the past comes true. Specifically, the vision of racist killbots taking over. See, here in the past we have a franchise called X-men.

One of their most reknowned  storylines is the series days of future past. Through time traveling trickery, entry character Kitty Pride comes back from your year to the 80s, to try and warn the Xmen about an how all of them where set to die by robot unless she avoided the mistakes of the past

this storyline was adapted by the cartoon, but replaced Kitty Pride with two competing Guntoting macho timetraveler revisionists, each trying to avoid his own tragic future. I assume your 2013 will be the one where robots rule, and not the one where a big blue man litterally named Apocalypse reigns.

Or perhaps you'll just get a Days of Future Past movie. What-ever.