Thursday, September 13, 2012

5 ways in which Avatar is not like Pocahontas

lol I are teh clevers!

Friends and friends of friends: criticism of the film Avatar is good and true. The 2009 film made the mistake of overpromising and underdelivering, and making 3D a "thing" we've had to "endure"since. We expected more from the director of Terminator 2, True Lies and Titanic.

However, we might be wrong about SOME of it. There has been criticism of the simplest story, saying that it's nothing but Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Ferngully in space. However, I think one of those is inaccurate. In truth, Avatar has more to do with The Last Samurai than it does with Disney's mid 90's Animated film.  Let me explain...

5) One's key character is female, the other one is Avatar
Do not scratch his belly.

Whereas both films present a clashing of societies, colonial exploitation, and the need to conserve resources, one of these is mostly played through the eyes of a native woman. Pocahontas, really is Pocahontas' story, as it begins in her village and shows her struggle with her force marriage and her need to be free and eventually throws John Smith and the settlers in there.

Avatar is the story of Jake Sully, who has a problem with not being able to walk and trying to do a thing his brother was doing, but better(i.e. not dying). Eventually  he enters the lives of Neytiri and the Na'Vi and kinda fucks it all up for them.

This is no mere difference of genders: one of the movies shows an outsider looking in, while the other is about the opposite. 

4) One softyifies the ugly past, the other sticks the ugly past into the future

In Avatar, evil corporation wants to evict a peace loving (but somewhat violent and reclusive) group of NaVi from their group so they can fully destroy their hometree and dig under for future-gold(because what the Unobtanium actually does is unimportant, it might as well just BE gold). At first this large, catlike beings can only cry in terror, but after  bringing aparently every Navi in the whole of Pandora,  they turn away the invaders.

Pocahontas has a less dark view of colonialism. The invading forces are mostly aloof, and do not even understand how to find what they are looking for. Roughly one of them is absolutely evil, and the rest is just a series of hilarious misunderstandings that can be surpassed if we just understand each other.
Racism is what gay, ugly, fat people do.

If the movies could be songs, Pocahontas would be You gotta care, and  Avatar would be Guerrilla Radio.

3) Avatar does not fear the War
The Climax of Pocahontas is preluded by a song called Savages, which exposits that natives and settlers disagree about each other, but agree that the matter will be settled effectively by braining the opposing group. Pocahontas races barefoot to  stop her father from executing the shit out of John Smith, and thus save both groups from a bloody conflict.

The Climax of Avatar features Jake Sully and his human friends aligning with the  Natives to essentially betray their own kind. Michelle Rodriguez dies, but I guess deep down, we knew it was gonna happen. Maybe they'll clone her here, too.

See,  violent conflict is a problem in both movies, but a solution in only one of them. Luckily those natives learned to trust the English settlers and everything went hunky dory for them!

2)The Romance is not as obvious in Avatar
"I'm afraid if I sleep here, your grandma will give me morning wood."

Both films feature starcrossed lovers from different, conflicted factions. Albeit only one of them has the outsider disguised as a native. However, the nature of the romance itself is different.

Pocahontas, perhaps because it is more geared toward the female audience, follows the legend of the Native American girl who fell in love with this foreigner, and was willing to die for him. For her, it is no mere matter of principle because there are feelings involved(also, her settlers are actually benign and the whole thing is a series of misunderstandings)

Avatar does have a romance, but it is not a movie about a romance. Jake Sully is shown the point of view of  the group, because he is pretending to be one of them until he stops pretending.

1) There is no assimilation in Pocahontas
So not only are we getting furry fetish, but foot fetish as well?

In the end of Avatar, Jake Sully has become one with the Na'Vi, and his doctor friend has litterally become one with the earth(or was it the other way? I haven't watched it lately).

On the other end of the spectrum, in Pocahontas the settlers leave(which makes them BAD settlers) despite being in the graces of the natives. John Smith leaves, too, even though he is clearly in love with the girl, making this whole damn thing a waste of time that cost a bunch of money and one life (but don't worry, he was kind of a jerk!).

In the other cited examples, the outsider with a heart of gold becomes one of the group, or doesn't do so because of tragic reasons(see, The Last Samurai). Because in the end, John Smith wasn't interested in the Colors of the Wind or becoming a Native American. In fact, he never even TRIES. All he cares is poking dat hunt ass his love for Pocahontas. But not enough to stay there.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Michelle Rodriguez is a stupid fool (or a great tease)

Michelle, Ma Belle! Zombie Killey Mockey tres bien an sam!

Aparently someone's been talking about making an Expendables-ish movie with only female leads. While this  is a great idea(as an article I never actually published, and will subsequently reformat into a wish list can attest), inmediately someone decided to come in an  and poop on the proverbial party.

Why are you so serious?

Michelle Rodriguez, my Dead-Eyed doll, that butch belle, that typecast titaness has recently come out and said she didn't feel she had gained that kind of notoriety to be in such a movie with a bunch of known names trying to  capitalize on the novelty of all of them being in a movie.

Shut up! You don't decide that! I DO! And In terms of action female star, you are at just the right point, I say. Cinthya Rothrock and Sigourney Weaver are somewhat old to lead an action movie, and as I told you in my love letter, nobody plays convincingly tough girls quite like you.

Further, you haven't had a top billing since fucking Blue Crush! This is your chance to grow to leading lady! Do you WANT to shoot up squid pee in Resident Evil sequels forever? No jodas con eso, cabrona! You're not gonna be 30 something forever, you know? This kind of role has an expiration age.

You go and play a sour hispanic commando that doesn't take shit for no one, before they cast Kirsten Stewart or Kirsten Kreuk or Kirsten Dunst or some shit! NO KIRSTENS! AAAARGH!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Some Characters with the same name (that coudn't be more different)

One of this guys is asking you to be prepared for a coup. The other is asking you to be prepared to put hair on your horns.

Names are fun. I have proven this several times, when I discussed bad names in games twice. But even good names are fun. Sometimes a name is too good to pass up, and more than one person will name something the same. The disparity between the names is what makes the fun. Observe!
 and remember: don't get them confused!


Ultraman is a henshin Superhero in Japan. Capable of growing as high as a skyscraper, his main disadvantage is he can only do so for a limited time.
Ultraman and an enemy debate the quality of Tokyo's streets.

Ultraman is also an evil Superman from another, eviler dimension. He has the same powers as Superman. His only disadvantage is that every other evil Superman has something going for him but him.
Arrowman! Man of Arrows!

Dude at least put on a goatee or something.

Phantom Lady

Phantom Lady is a public domain heroine DC thought it bought, so you can't use her if you haven't the cojones and lawyers to fight them.The daughter of a Senator, she used a sciencey doohickey to blind people and become invisible.
"I thought we'd talked about this, floating device!"

Phantom Lady is also a character on the anime series Angel Blade. The leader of a gang of rapey female mutants, she uses her cartoonishley large breasts to smear milk on most everyone. Oh, forgot to say: This is a porn anime.
I wonder if the Comics Authority would have allowed her self-weaning antics? don't have the best one of these.


Catman is a  a Batman villain so bad he once joined a team of villains who felt they wheren't high profile enought. While this "we dont get punched enought by Batman" mentality seems counterintuitive, it is and  Catman sucks.
I sleep all day and scratch your shoes...evilly!

Catman is also a golden age hero who was raised by a tigress,Tarzan style. And then he got to America and dressed like a cat and punched criminals and had a teen girl sidekick. It a natural segue.

Both are orange. Tabbies aren't scary, damn you!


Scarecrow is a villain from batman, known  for using fear inducing gas on his victim.
Dr Malnitrition was his discarded villain name/theme.

Bus scarecrow is also a villain from Ghost Rider who is known for not being as cool as the other scarecrow. He's a contortionist who can feeds on the fears of men and crows. Scaring crows is actually one of his powers!
"What the...did you just eat my seeds of evil?! My dark harvest is RUINED!"

But here comes a new challenger: there is a public domain Scarecrow as well. He outmundanes them all.
Nazi. No powers. Whip and gun. Boooaring!