Monday, August 31, 2009

The bad and good about Disney buying Marvel

Don't check your calendars, because it's not April one. In fact, forget your calendars, it's the end of Fuckin' TIME! rtainment/

Fire in the skies! Brother turns against brother! A huge bear with a rib in his mouth is rising from the sea!
It's symbolic; you wouldn't get it. I don't.

Marvel comics, the company that as of last year was vying for it's independence as an entertainment company is to be bought by Disney. Among a sea of dumb internet analysis(can't wait for the hannah montana meets spiderman movie (sarcasm) ), I will try to bring you the best outcomes of this deal, as well as the dark side of Disney mergering.

Not the Darkseid of Disney, though.
1)It's NOT the end of the world
Another thing neither of us gets, is highly symbolic and is not the end of the world. Touga!

Well, Marvel wanted to be able to do it's own films without having to license to companies. In a kind of Bizarro way, getting bought by said companies is the ultimate expression of that. You get all the backing a transnational juggernaut like Disney can provide, and you can go to town with whatever Antman film you didn't have money for. It's like a prostitute marrying a millionaire, except this probably doesn't end in murder.

While I would have though Marvel would have made enought money from all that licencing Spiderman, Daredevil, Hulk and Fantastic Four, you can't blame them for seing 4 billion dollars and saying "insert penis here" while pointing to their mouths. And NO, they aren't changing Spider-Man to a musical outside of, you know, the musical.

Lot's of people out there hear Disney and inmediately wonder if Bambi will become a Marvel regular because Marvel to them only makes kids stuff. Disney is a HUUUUUGE corporative conglomerate and likely you've enjoyed their products sometime even if it doesn't have that little castle in it.

2)Marvel vs Capcom 3 is way more likely to ocurr.

Mugen, it only makes you want the real thing more!

Hey, Disney corp is a lean, mean, shilling machine. Anyone with stones to have a Nightmare before Christmas game would sell they're own immortal souls for a grill cheese.

And while we can look on the bad side of that and how we don't like it, it's that kind of marketing insanity that lead to Ducktales for the NES, Disney's Magical Tetris Challenge and Square crossover extraordinaire Kingdom Hearts(which still baffles me to this day. I don't ever mention Donald Duck and Cloud from FF7 in the same sentences, unless I'm mentioning character's who's games I've yet to catch up to.)

Berserker DUCK!

In fact the first two I mentioned where made by Capcom, as well as the Nightmare before Christmas one. So, there's a history there, and I think this opens a whole new world(snort!) of
possibilities, including a 3rd Capcom crossover game. It's money in the bawnk! And, hey, if they wanna put Goliath of the Gargoyles there, it's okay with me.

I mean, just sayin'...

3)Not all of Disney is kids stuff, and not all of Marvel is Wolverine.

So, yeah, I've made a point that Disney produces more than teeny bopper flicks and starlets. But did it ever occur to you, Mr Manly, than maybe Marvel is slightly less adult than we've all come to consider it? Yes, there are dark stories and there's sex/sexual tension and that terrible brown blood they use all the time, but maybe, JUST maybe we are still reading about a guy un blue spandex called Cyclopes fighting a guy called Mr Sinister? They can curse and kill all they want, they're still wish fulfillment fantasy stories.
See, the brown stuff under Frank Castle/Punisher and Marshal Mathers/Eminem. Wait, WHA?

Disney can do dark too. Even without going into it's other sub-lables(because they financed Pulp Fiction and that's cheating right there.) Disney films have a long history of dark moments. There's the time that guy sang to a Virgin Mary statue about his lustfull desires and potential murder of a gypsy. I mean, hard to get darker than that.
Cue the sexy gypsy registration act!

In fact, Disney traditional animation and Marvel could use each other's help. Imagine something like this, but with Marvel characters. And that's just T.V. budget animation, I don't need to tell you Disney produced some beautiful animatin back in the day and plans to do so again. Huh? Hello? Awesome! And we know Pixar is exited by the prospect of Marvel moving in.

Now THIS is dark!

And now for the bad.

3) Take it from those with experience

So, it's a wonderful, brave new world for Marvel, right? They can get theis groove on with as many films as Disney can muster them doing. Is there a precedent? Do you even have to ask?

Warner Bros. bought DC comics in the 70's. Superman, Batman Wonderwoman, the whole damn Justice League is theirs to command. With a media giant like Time Warner you would expect characters like this would have been mercylessly exploited.

But no. The DC catalogued in more than 30 years has been criminally underused. Sure, we've gotten enough Batman in films, and Superman as well, despite the horrendous 20+ year gap between the last and second-to-last films. From there on down, it's been nothing but pain. Catwoman and Vertigo imprints like Sin City and V for Vendetta round out the films so far And one of those was Catwoman!. No WonderWoman, no Justice League, no Flash no nothing. Sure, Marvel got some duds, too, but because it was independent it was free to release the rights to whoever would end up making the damn things, it ensure that the movies WHERE done.And getting a Dark Knight here and there only reminds you how neglected everyone else is. Sure, I expect a Wonder Woman movie will exist eventually. I will run to tell my grankids about it, hopefully before the rapture takes place.
You guys wanna catch Green Lantern 2 before we end the world?

I'm not saying Marvel is going to suffer through the same as DC. But it COULD happen.

2) Crosspollination of the worst kind possible

Far as we know, Marvel and Disney's universes stay separate. You AREN'T getting Hulk in the Incredibles, and you aren't getting Mickey in Ironman. Got it? Good. You don't see Bugs Bunny in Superman...much.

But what if Marvel tries to go all micromanagement on Marvel. What if posters for High School Musical start showing up in Spider-Man comics? What if Spider-Man shows up in House of Mouse. What if the new Storm is Raven Simone?
That's so UATU!

Sure, this kind of thing won't start on day one. But what if over time, when we become numb to it, it becomes too much?

Better him than Mac Gargan. Link!
1)The Flinstones effect.

Millions of years ago, dinosaurs ruled the earth and we used them as appliances. Well that was the premise behind The Flinstones, a show about Cave Dwellers with anachronistic technology. It was one of the most popular shows of it's, and indeed, any time. They belonged to Hanna Barbera. Which was bought out. You wanna know where they are now? They're cereal mascots. That's all that's left of them. No more shows, no more attempts at revivals. Just. selling. Cereal.
How the mighty have fallen.

Woody Woodpecker, Tom and Jerry and others who, with a little updating could still be relevant, but as they became part of a larger portfolio of characters, they became less important, and thus stopped beign shown without any respact at all. After all, you only get a limited number of T.V. animated shows a year, you probably don't want them to be Secret Squirrel.
A shortlived comeback

Disney is buying this characters with a rich history, and great marketing possibilities and toyism as well. I fear they may, like the ones that came before, ignore the rich histoory part and get straight to the markting and toyism part. I mean, I get that this are businesses and that they aren't here to be fair to some 60 year old scribbles. But in any case, balance in all things is better for all involved.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

5 female characters your girl could look up to(but you won't let her)

Grrr power!

Look, mom, we know what your thinking: Your girl can't grow up a self-respecting female in a world ruled by the patriarchy. And geek one of those worlds.

More than half of all geek products are created by, approved by, and for the consumption of, men. And more than half of it is done without any heart at all, so it's no wonder there isn't exactly a thriving supply of such materials geared for, or even considering the possibility young girl could enjoy them.

There are such, but as you can read in my article, there is a force that tries to shoot down even those that get out. That force, is you, mom.

So while the next five characters could find their way to you girl's heart, you won't let her because they aren't JUST right. So tighten your flannel pants and put down the scissors, mom. It's 5 female characters that your girl would like, if you wern't so busy making her watch LMN movies and reminding her men suck.

Never heard, huh? It's because Wordgirl is a children's show on PBS. It features a young girl from the planet Lexicon who in her spare time becomes Wordgirl, a pint sized Super heroine with a penchant for correct vocabulary, while maintaining a secret identity as Becky Botsford, a mild mannered bookworm adoptive child . This show is awesome, as written by some of the Saturday Night Live scribes. And no, the learning doesn't get in the way of the fun, Mr "I can't be caught dead watching a PBS cartoon".
Why your girl could look up to her:
Wordgirl is the female superheroine you always ask for, but who's comics you never read. Independent, smart, sarcastic, and strong but not in a "I'm always kicking men in the balls, I'm so empowered" way. Wordgirl defeast most villains without help from any other characters, except for her space monkey sidekick, Capt Huggy Face. I mean, he's a MALE monkey, but still.

Why You won't let her:
Because Wordgirl's weakness is cutesy, 'girly stuff', like cute cats, and a show ominously called "The Pretty Princess and Sparkling Pony Power Hour" . "What?" You'll ask." Can't she like more "scratched knees" activities(aside from punching robots)?"
He's probably saying a sexist joke about how many women it takes to stop a meteor.

Also, Wordgirl adopts a 'friendly' approach towards some of her male foes(Dr Two Brains, The Butcher) but not as much with her female rogues(the awesome Lady Redundant Woman and Granny May). There's a special place in hell for women who like some men better than some women.
This is not related. I just like this picture.

4)T. Bonne

T. Bonne is a pirate and rogue from the Megaman Legends series, who has also ha her own game and cameos elsewhere. She's part of a family of pirates. I didn't make that too far into Legends, but I know she builts robots and other machines to perform her devious tasks, which include thievery.
A face worthy of a most wanted list.

Why your girl could look up to her:
She is 15-16 year old genious, and mostly clasilly dressed too.
Bolted, metal panties over pants. That's some symbolism right there!

T Bonne is one of those few Megaman characters that get their own game, and that's badass.
Why You won't let her:
Because of her secret crush with phallic symbol-armed Megaman Volnutt.You know what they say about big feet? Well, that can't possibly apply here.

Not only is she in love with a man, but a man who is willing to shoot her laser blasts in the face? Gurl, that's wack!
3)Mitsuko(Bloody Roar)
If she's a smart fighter, she becomes a cerebral boar!

Bloody Roar is a fighting game where humans turn into muta-animals halfway into the match. Don't ask why. Mitsuko is one of the game's less prolific characters(because of the patriarchy!), a big old Japanese woman in overalls whose transformation is a boar.
Why your girl could look up to her:
She's huge and unseemly and dressed in overalls. She's not attractive to your average man. Turning into a boar just seals the deal: she's a lesbian. The only kind of woman that isn't weak, by femi-standards.
Why You won't let her:
Because it turns out, she's not a lesbian. She's just looking for her daughter. Oh, no, traditional family! It BUUURNS! Goddess help us!

Also, she turns into a fucking boar. That's just stupid, no matter your gender. Boars suck.

2)Amanda "The Wall" Waller Rule 34 exception.

Amanda is not actually the main heroine most of the time, which is amazing, what with being a black, overweight female comic book character. What she IS most of the time, is a handler for various teams in the D.C. universe. She would also be in the Supermax film and the Suicide Squad film, if those where ever going to be done.
Why your girl could look up to her:
Amanda Waller is the most bad ass motherfucking burocrat the world has ever seen. She will do whatever it takes to accomplish the mission. I've seen the bitch stare down Superman.


Seriously, she is mostly known for running the team "The Suicide Squad", which coerces villains into doing missions for the Governmate agency Checkmate, and occasionally jettisons them into another planet to die. While it doesn't usually have the most powerfull villains in it's unconstitutional employ, it still takes some balls to bark orders to insane, murderous villains that never tired of being punched by Flash.
From Left to Right: Guy who BROKE BATMAN, Amanda Waller, Guy who tried to shoot at Batman, Monster who could crush Amanda Waller whenever he wanted.

If Amanda Waller lived in the world of Pokemon, she could be a master in seconds, and already be commanding armies of Mews to kill take down all all the Team Rocket Cells. Not only does she have to convince Psychos that can shoot laser out their armpits to fight other psychos, but she has to coordinate those psychos so they don't fail the mission, even though they are expendable(well, it's called the Suicide Squad, and not because it was created by Albert Suicide).

Why You won't let her:
Well, exactly what makes her so good! Amanda Waller is not without emotions or conflicts, but most the time, if the order is to pull the trigger, she will. Well, she won't, but she'll order someone to do it. She's kind of amoral when it comes to work. And work is getting Deathstroke to work with Poison Ivy in some third World Country.
Don't test her pimp hand, bitches!

With female characters, that kinda amorality doesn't make you look like a conflicted antihero. It makes you a look like bitch. Just don't tell her that, cause she'll send the Weather Wizard after you!
If berating counted as a Superpower...

But can you blame her for being straightforward? She's probably had to read pages upon pages of documentation about how some guy punched reality out of whack or how Supergirl was really an earth-born angel instead of a liquid metal being from another dimension or Superman's Cousin. She's got a job, orders, and the willingness to execute them. Which I guess means she isn't empowered.

1)Lara CroftFlatchested was the big breasted of the PSX era

Well, maybe you've spent too much time watching Rachel Maddow on MSNBC if you don't know, but Lara Croft is the lead and protagonist of a games series called Tomb Raider. She's a millionaire adventurer and treasure seeker. An expert marks(wo?)man and a mountain climber. She is...the most interesting woman in the world.
Why your girl could look up to her:
If your girl ever grows up to be a millionaire, she could do worse than trying to imitate Lara Croft. Say what you will about her, she's a strong, resilient character who doesn't constantly need a man to save her, or even a love interest. Always looking for fun, not by shopping, but by looking for the Holy Grail and punching alligators in the process.
She was also played by Angelina Jolie in the films.

Why You won't let her:
She's got breasts.Big ones too. And as we all know, things that are atractive to men are anatema to being strong, independent or even a feminist. Men suck, so of course, the more like a man a woman looks, the more independent and strong willed she is. Right?

Now that's a woman right there! I don't mean the empire making, millionaire, socially concious one, either! She's got breasts too!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

10 characters that should be in Amingo's slot

When Marvel vs Capcom 2 came out, there had been nothing like it. 56 characters. There was something for everyone!

Sure, a lot of these characters where essentially ripped out of other games, like we've come to expect since then from M.U.G.E.N. But there where whole newly made characters as well!

Marvel got Cable and lesser known mutant Marrow. Capcom got Hayato from Star Gladiators, Jill from Resident Evil, Tron Bonne, of Megaman Legends fame(or as I call her, Our Holy Lady of the Beloved Drill attack), Sonson(a female version of a character from a really obscure game. Midnight Bliss?) and two new characters, femme pirate Ruby Heart and Humaniod Cactus Amingo.

Way Better than Lilith?

Why? Why put in new characters in a crossover game? You play a crossover game to watch the stars from a company(or whatever) beat the guys from the other. Amingo in particular, makes my blood boil because of various reasons, from the wrongo spanish in his name to how useless he is in battle.

I wanna know how this happened. It's not like Capcom was starving for characters they could put in there. Take a look at this list. Can you picture them looking at that list and saying "oh, yeah, we need a fuckin' giant Cactus!" and then going the extra mile to make sure they get the stupid thing in there, creating sprites and thinking of all the cool moves you can put on him.

So I'm making a list of characters that the MVC2 team could have put in place of Ruby Heart and Stupid abomination against God(er...I mean Amingo). I will try to keep this list within the confines of characters from Capcom who where never put to Sprites, because I am not just pretend substituting a slot, but whatever effort it took to create the whole character. Sorry, Street Fighter Alpha/3 Darkstalkers/ Cyberbots. Also of note, this is not a top 10 list. God knows those are dubious enough. This is a list of characters perfectly able to serve in MVC2, which I think personally, would have been better in lieu of the Fakexican Plant. I will only name characters who existed before 2000 and where made by Capcom. So, let's go!

10) Linn Kurosawa

Linn was a character in the Alien vs Predator sidescrolling beat-em-up, part of a team that was rounded up by two Predators and Arnold Schwarzenegger's character from Predator.
Arnie's also a retard cyborg.

Linn, was apparently a cyborg Superhuman, and would bust shit with her hands, guns, or even a katana. Takes some guts to punch those acid-bleeding Xenomorphs. Linn would recieve a couple of nods and winks later on. It was a licenced game, but it seems to me Capcom owns Linn. Why waste a perfectly good character, huh? I think she'd be perfect for Marvel vs Capcom.

And I'm not alone!

Remember Zero? From Megaman X? He's like Knuckles to Megaman's Sonic? Laser sword? Of course, the game already has four Megaman characters. But a) one of those attacks with a bouquet of flowers and B) AMINGO!

Zero would later show up at SNK vs Capcom. He would have rocked Marvel, though.
That's a 3-hit combo right there.

8)Mike Haggar

A fan favorite from the beat-em-up Final Fight, Mike Haggar is a lean, mean, badass mayor of a mayor American town. Haggar has also made other apearances, including in a Capcom wrestling game. So wrestling and politics, are his part time to kicking the asses of gang members. Quite possibly the most badass character ever to wear suspenders and green pants, Mike Haggar's apearance would have been pretty fan-pleasing.


Eliza and Sari are the love interests of Street Fighter characters Ken and Dhalsim, respctively. Not a whole lot is known about them. They are not known to have fighting skills. But in any case, the same could have been said of Jin from Cyberbots. This could have been a chance to take this characters out of the backgrounds and endings they inhabit and into the game. Just sayin' is all.

Tech hit!

6)Resident Evil's Hunter/Licker

Back before Resident Evil went all 28 weeks later on us, there where enemies like this to break up the monotony of the slow, shambling Zombies. Licker's in particular could have been awesome to play as, especially if teamed up with Jill Valentine. Both are forgotten now, but for the RE movies. Let us not got there.
Well, maybe just the licker.

5) The Grandmaster

The Grandmaster is the primary antagonist of the Strider series. Mostly a shadowy figure behind a cloak, I personally didn't know much about him. However, th feeling of beating a guy and hearing him say "to the pits of hell with you!" is all I need. Besides, MVC2 needs more evil guys.

4)Tessa/Tabasa from Red Earth/Warzard

Tessa is a witch from the rare fighting game Red Earth. And she's since shown up in Pocket Fighters, SNK vs Capcom and other games. This kinda breaks my rule, since she had sprites way before MVC2 existed. But in that case, the sprites where too good,the animation too sleek to possibly show up in that game. But they could have made a "Vs friendly" version. With the same time and skill spent making the pirate girl.
I DO want to se a magic trick!

3) Regina (Dino Crisis)

Of course, the problem here is that Dino Crisis is just Resident Evil with Dinosaurs. Which means Regina would amount to a Jill clone. On the other hand...
I was walkin down the street/feeling real neat...

2)Geki (Street Fighter)

There's lot's of characters I am not letting in this list simply because their sprites would'nt have to have been remade. One of those is Vega, the clawed Matador you may also know as Balrog. The other is R. Mika.

The world wasn't ready...

Ahem, but back to Vega. He was inspired by this guy from the first Street Fighter game. Sure, a clawed Ninja isn't as awesome as a Clawed Ninja Narcissist Spaniard Matador. But it would have done good for this underrepresented character.

Okay, only barely better than a Cactus.

1)Tiffany Lords(Rival Schools)

No words.

In any case, Capcom, consider this guys the next you make a crossover fighting game, whether it be SNK, Marvel, Tatsunoko or Whatever else, whenever you feel the urge to add new characters.
And ask yourselves: is this character better than Tiffany Lords?