Monday, November 29, 2010

A neophyte's view of The Deadly Hallows

Not if money has any say in the matter!

Now, look, I'm no stranger to bandwagons. I did The Turtles, The Rangers, The Pokemon and even a spot of the Nu Metal. But I never did get into the whole Harry Potter thing.

Why? I don't know. Medieval Europe myths where never that interesting to me, so maybe that's it. Or maybe I never let go of when they said it was Satanic, like seven scapegoats ago. Or maybe it's because I had to read. I like reading but games give me so much and demand so little.

So yesterday, some family members wanted to see the  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and I wasn't gonna be all "Let's watch Tangled instead". SO I ventured forth and watched it, my only knowledge being half the first film(kinda not paying attention, I changed the channel when they fought Shrek), what you might read on Cinematical, and My Immortal.

And that's insane! Imagine if I'd gone into Final Fantasy on the 7th entry! How would I know which effeminate man to like? Or Police Academy! Would I know about Harris' plight to bring down inefficiency in the force? Or what about Tony Hawk? How would I know Activision likes money?

So I took my first serious step into being a life Journal artist of fanarts most illegal, and watched it.

The movie opens with this pale dude, all cross eyed, giving his "won't go quietly into the night" speech. Wattaminnit, hold he hell up? What's going on? There's some crisis, and bad  whether and looks like a lot of British people are getting foreclosed. One girl even erases her pictures, so they won't know  to find her and ruin her credit! Is it the Apocalypse?

Then I think we follow one of the bad guys, who is too cool to use the Hall of Doom's front gate, but not badass enough to burst through the window. He arrives at a big table, where all the bad guys are having a brainstorming session. It seems they recently took over...something and are happy, but are worried about the titular Boy Wizard sticking his  nose into their business. Then Tim Burton's wife get's all excited like she totally knows the answer to this one and the teacher should let her talk and she KNOW IT(it's Quebec) and she's shooting for that gold star.

Seriously, Tim Burton's wife is in this? She must have heard there was a role for a pale, crazy woman with unkempt hair, and auditioned her ass of. Her raw, pale, unkempt ass.

So, she wants to kill Harry Potter. But only the ugliest man in the table can do it. It's this guy who didn't quite make it to full snake. At least Mongooses aren't a problem.

The boardroom is not appropriate place to cast "Fart".

So he's like " I gotta kill Harry Potter" and everyone's like "you go girl!" and he's like " So lend me your wands" and they're all "Shit!". It's not a toothbrush, guys. Break the leg off a table, you're magic. But sure enough, once one of them lends him his wand, he rips off it's sweet Dragon handle. Nice going, Cobra Commander. You may be the Antichrist, but you still have to respect the other people's property.
The working title was "Evil Ancient lizard-man by nature".

So all the good guys, they get into Harry Potter's house, and they all transform in him to get him to safety, while they take magic missiles up their asses meant for him. See, he's the One.

Kickus, Facia!

No, he's the Chosen One. But he's not the chosen one in a way that means he's untouchable, like Neo from the Matrix. He's more  like the Pope, since he's chosen and then you gotta pamper his ass 24/7.

So they have a crazy chase scene until they get to a farm, which is safe's not. I think the evil spirits, dark forces, and flying magicians kinda just called for a break. Most of Potter Cosplayers make it, but for one guy who was betrayed by another called after a Puertorican dish.
 Delicious, Backstabbing Bastard!

So, having narrowly escaped evil they go on with a wedding they where planning. Erm...guys, I think Satan is kinda feeding your teachers to snakes. Maybe you could hold off the wedding until we sort it out? I mean what if bad guys attack during it?

So bad guys attack during the wedding. And you can't fucking blame them. It's like a slap on the face of their new world order! The world is in danger and you guys are worried about marriage? What are you, Democrats?

So our three heroes, Harry Potter, Unhappy girl, and Dead Weight start their world zapping adventure to find and destroy the one... of 4 hexagon things that apparently you have to destroy to beat old scratch. Meanwhile, in wherever it is they where in, Nazis and kindly looking ladies have taken over, and are taking non-magicals to the gas chambers. And apparently we're Final Fantasy characters.

First the came for the Chocobo, and I said nothing...

Not kidding about the Nazis. A variant amount of red armbands and missing Third Reich  insignia doesn't mean you aren't Nazis. It's like the most obvious Nazi stand in s ever!

Which I guess makes our villain Serpentor?

Also, Dead Weight begins to feel  resentful and jealous and leaves, but he comes back in time to be somewhat useful. But only because Harry would rather jump into a frozen river to recover a trinket than tell a girl to help him.

So they learns from this animation sequence that they need to find this Superwand made by Death itself, and Potter's old mentor hid it, but then Nightwish catches them, and takes them to Tim Burton's wife, who locks the two boys the cellar so she can rape the girl.
Now I get it why this franchise is popular...

Though this annoying suck up Gollum vomit that has been hounding the movie shows up and unlocks the doors. They get into a fight with Ms. Burton, and eventually they Teleport away, but not before Ms. Lovitt Ninja's up the little CG creature with her  Bullet time knife.

Then Snake-Man finds the hidden Superwand, which Potter's Mentor cleverly hid ON HIS HANDS, IN HIS MAUSOLEUM! CAN YOU AT LEAST MAKE THE BAD GUYS DIG? Can you at least rot a little so they vomit in their mouths?  Content in this, the villain shoots lighting  out of his wood stick to tickle god in the nads.To be continued.

Or at least that's what I thought it was that happened...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Strange Love

I will use this image every time I can.

Folks, I like most adults, understand that love and sex are a natural part of the human social dynamics. And like most adults, I have no real employment and watch way too many cartoons.

Which is why I must find the recent developments in Cartoon Networks animations a tad disturbing. No, I'm not a prude, but read on and see if this doesn't deviate far and away from what we call normal.

First of in line for a talking to is Symbionic Titan, Genddy Tartakovsky's  take on the giant robot vs monster genre. Her His Super Sentai to the Powerpuff Girl's Sailor moon, if you will. The show follows Two teens and a shape-shifting robot from another planet who are, very poorly if I may add, hiding from the villain who took over their planet.
The Titular Titan, choking the hell out of his dragon.

The Shape-shifting Robot is our concern. As part of our heroes facade of pretending to be  average kids from the neighborhood, they enroll in school.I don't know why pretending to be school kids is better than pretending to be  dropouts, but whatever. Hey, you gotta do something to forget the military coup of you entire planet, the enslavement of your people, and that your own father is getting tortured in ways the Geneva convention never even imagined.. Our robot friend passes of as a fat nerd type with glasses called Newton, and occasionally the other kid's legal guardian.

In the episode "Lessons in Love", the Robot, under the guise of Newton, decides to help local cheerleader ditz  Kimmy with her math exams because figuring out new an better was to protect his human compatriots isn't high into the priority queue.

And if you think this two will hit it off, you might just be right.

At first it begins in that dynamic where you're trying to get someone else to do an assignment for you, and that person stubbornly wants you to learn. Instead of you and your mom, though, it's a robot and a cheerleader, and instead of just moaning and begging, this happens:
Why was I born in the 80s?

Yes, our heroine tries to seduce a nerd into doing her math test for her by shaking her ass to the tune of a made up Hip Hop song with terms like "Booty Queen" and "Turn it aroooound". This really did happen in a Cartoon Network show that is not in the Adult Swim lineup.

In typical cartoon fashion, he teaches her she doesn't HAVE to be dumb because she's a cheerleader, and she seems to fall in love. I didn't see the whole ep, but by the end of the ep, she's holding hands with our lovably emontionless robot.

Say, what is the robot's other form again?

Nancy Grace is still trying to  find where he put the body.

Yes, a balding, middle aged man. Who, by the way, has also the affections of the Jamie Lee Curtis looking neighbor.

^ A pattern emerges...
I mean, I know we live in an age where two or more consenting adults can do whatever they want, as long as it's homosexualism and not something like incest, which is gross, immoral, unnatural and wrong. But the idea of an assman robot putting the moves on a teenager while having an affair with a cougar is something we can all agree is at least theoretically creepy. Is Newton going to show affection for Kimmy while disguised as an old man?Who can he turn to for advise? HE is the house's father figure, and the house's computer as well.

It's kid's show today, man! All trying to push the envelop. I remember Scooby Doo wasn't all that concerned with booty or how the characters related to each other. Now we have a Scooby Doo show called Mystery Inc. that is actively trying to ruin that with a bestial love triangle.

First off, let me just say Scooby Doo, as a corporation is a terribly run business. We have less than half of the team with skills useful to the solution of said mysteries, which would be Fred with his planning skills and Velma with her analysis skills, and the rest of the team, Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby, are simply not necessary. Instead, they should find a marksman, a martial artist, and a pit-bull dog. They could find out who this week's conniving landlord is in half the time!
I said clear your desks. Now.

The show settles the gang in their apparent birth town of Crystal Cove, where transparently ridiculous "disguised as monster" crimes occur weekly. It also settles the character's hearts, with Daphne having a crush with an oblivious Fred while Velma has a crush with an oblivious Shaggy.

Velma's relationship with Shaggy seems central. She's pretty needy and constantly centers all her attention on him. He's...exactly the same food scarfing stoner he's always been.

Look, I know Scooby Doo has done it all, and also taken it's mask off and  found out it's old Mr Wrinkley. But this kind of dynamic doesn't work with cardboard cutouts like the Scooby gang. This character's got to where they are by tying themselves to stereotypes, archetypes, cliche's and tropes, and characterization only brings that to the surface.

Why is Velma in love with Shaggy? He doesn't look good, he's dumb, and he constantly puts a dog over her needs. I'm not usually like this, but Velma is now one of the most poisonous examples a little girl could have. She is a woman with skills and smarts, who's only focus in life is to land a man that is effectively worse than her in every way. Velma's a Diaper away from becoming Lisa Nowak. 
Velma, seen here wiping the floor with her diploma after a beating.

And Scooby is like...I don't know, "between" Velma and Shaggy, constantly disrupting their barely there relationship. Why would Scooby do that? Is Scooby a third wheel? Is Shaggy screwing a talking great dane? If you're making me wonder what Scooby's angle is, then something's wrong.

Rooby Rooby ROOOO!

Why not give Shaggy instead a new romantic interest? Or at least bring back that bitch from "The Reluctant Werewolf" movie. Make the red shirt canon!

Why not?

All in all, I think we should talk to our kids about this things in real life. They shouldn't learn them from a Robot or a talking dog. They should learn to manage their emotions and bodies responsibly from their parents.

As for us adult...WHOOO LET'S TAP THAT ASS!