15 Questions about Mortal Kombat

"Not even summer camp!"

I have seen Mortal Kombat many, many times. I never catched it on it's original theater run, on account of extreme poverty. I like this movie so much it makes me feel guilty, because it's a silly movie, and big ass men like myself aren't supposed to like silly movies.

But I'm a curious man. I have an inquisitive spark within myself. I have questions about everything, especially movies from the 90's. I will now onload 15 of these riddles on you, and ask you to answer them all to me. It has begun!

15) Is Master Boyd dead?

During the course of the movie Shang Tsung rarely uses his transformation powers. See, in the game, Shang Tsung can take the shape of any fighter in the game, and for the longest time this was his defining characteristic.

In the movie he uses this ability exactly twice. One is to guilt trip Liu Kang over his brother, who tried to fight Shang Tsung and got his neck rearranged for his trouble. The other is to fool Johnny Cage into going to the tournament, by pretending to be his mentor, Master Boyd.

No, he's NOT Bo' Rai Cho! Not everything is canon!

Did Shang Tsung kill Master Boyd and claim his soul? Because It's implied his ability to copy people is related to his ability to steal souls. If his power did work in this way, it is safe to assume he found Boyd and killed him.

14) Why did Shang Tsung  get Earth's Best fighters involved?

The Mortal Kombat Tournament was lost by Outworld thanks mostly to two people: Johnny Cage, and Liu Kang. The strongest fighters, Sub Zero, Scorpion, and Goro, where defeated by them. Obviously Raiden knew how to pick them.

Except he didn't. Liu Kang only joined because his brother was killed by Shang Tsung. Before that he was completely distanced from the Monks and the Tournament.

And Johnny Cage only joined because he was actively brought by Shang Tsung. If Shang Tsung really wanted to win, he would have let Liu Kang's brother participate, and he'd have forgotten all about Johnny Cage. He could come collect their stupid souls later, when Earth Realm had gotten taken over. He could have kept Sonya, though.

13) Why are Sonya's weak fighting skills  a plot point?

No aerobics clothing?

Sonya doesn't get to do much in MK. She avenges her partner by killing Kano early on and then moves on to the background.

Because it's an actual plot point that Shang Tsung only brought Sonya so he'd have someone weak to fight at the end of the tournament. That's her arc. Shang Tsung spent his time  doing Raiden's work for him by getting the REAL fighters in here, and now he turns around and decides that maybe he should go easy on himself, and cap things off by fighting the lady from The Wedding Planner.

This isn't so much a question as it is a complaint. I like Sonya, we could have given her another Palette Swap Ninja to fight or something.

12) Did Raiden bring in a bunch of fighters to their death knowing they where going to die?

See, he WOULD lift a finger.

So Raiden didn't  recruit any of the important people in the movie, even though he only ever spent any time with Liu Kang, Sonya and Johnny Cage. He didn't give any life saving tips to Art Lean or Jenny Cho. We might assume this people where brought here either by Raiden or by Shang Tsung.

Let's give Raiden the benefit of the doubt and assume he brought at least some of the people from the tournament. Why wouldn't he assist them in any way?  Why would he leave them completely out of things?

Liu Kang is the chosen one, but he can't fight everyone in the tournament, otherwise he'd face exhaustion and die. Some people  who were not the chosen one needed to score some victories. Raiden  possibly brought in a bunch of people and then decided that  he should only work with 3 of them, and everyone else would be fine.

11) Who the hell is that guy?

Seriously, who the hell is that guy?

10) Can Shang Tsung revive the death?

Near the climax of the movie, Shang Tsung fights Liu Kang in his creepy castle of gloomness. After exchanging Hyas for a bit, Shang leaves Liu to face with some warriors who come out of manholes.

This guys are clearly culled from all human history, and presumably  former fighters that Shang Tsung enslaved.

But Shang Tsung has only been seen to enslave souls. Nobody said anything about Shang being able to revive the people who's souls he owned. Because then he really needed to revive Kano, Art Lean and that guy and made them fight Shang Tsung at the end.

09) Can't Raiden stop people participating in a tournament?

I mean, he's Earthrealm's protector. He's supposed to do everything he can to keep Earth from becoming absorbed by Outworld.

So can't keep Sonya from participating? Again, I like Sonya, but she's here strictly because how much she sucks. If I were Raiden, I'd be like, "nope, you can't participate" and I'd kick her out of the boat.

You can slap me if you want. If you can actually hurt me you get the job.

08) If Earth Realm people can participate in the tournament, why wouldn't Shang Tsung  get Johnny Cage on his side?

Not to repeat myself, but Johnny Cage is in Mortal Kombat exclusively because of Shang Tsung. But in the same way he conned(or is that konned?) Kano into fighting for him, why didn't he get Johnny Cage?

I mean, Cage was so completely out of the loop, I'm sure he would have gone with whatever, had he been properly not told about the impending  destruction of Earth.

07) How is Reptile made?

Nothing about no statue, here.

Near the end of the movie, Reptile, in this movie a little satanic gecko with invisibility powers, falls into a statue. The statue shoves some tentacles into him. The statue turns into Reptile, the Green Ninja.

So, is Reptile always in  the wait for the right statue to turn himself into a Ninja, or is the statue a ninja that needs a little monster in his heart to be able regain his full form? Or is this an exceptional moment that neither of them knew? A secret that eluded both the ugly statue and the  little stealth lizard?

Talk about your star crossed lovers!

06) What happens if Shang Tsung gives up?

During the final fight, Liu Kang starts a massive beatdown against Shang Tsung. But, since he's also learned  that revenge is no good, he asks Shang Tsung to surrender several times. Shang Tsung replies to this requests with "Never" and "Save your pity for the weak" and "Spit".

But what happens if Shang Tsung says uncle? Does he go to jail? Does Earthrealm win and he just has to go away? Because no one in this movie ever just tapped out.  Even after all the cheating and stuff, doesn't he get a sanction or anything?

05) Are all Shokans weak ass pussies?

All they want...is a hug...

Goro is the equalizer in the tournament. Seemingly impervious to most physical attacks, and strong enough to lift a man, we even get a montage of all the people  he's broken down.

So if Shokans are so tough, why isn't team Outworld all Shokans? Why bother with That Guy if you could have another Shokan in there?

Is it because Goro is an exceptional Shokan, and the rest of the Shokans are not so hot? Is it some kind of Outworld affirmative action thing, where you gotta give  everyone equal participation in the
tournament?

Think about it.

04) Can Shang Tsung move freely in Earthrealm?

Because it seems like he shouldn't. It seems kind of unsporting that an immortal shape-shifting demon sorceror can go about our side of existence. He could make a lot of things to influence the odds and cause an unfair upset.

In the actual movie he basically helped us, yes. If he can just saunter in an out of our world, why wouldn't he poison or cripple our greater fighters before their get to the tournement?  Why wouldn't he kill most people who know about the tournament? Why wouldn't he pretend to be Raiden and fool the best fighters into missing the tournament?

03) How is Shao Khan 3 stories high?

"I WARNED YOU ABOUT THE OZONE LAYER! I WAARNEEED YOUUUU!"

Now, we all know in every other media Shao Khan is tall, but this is ridiculous.

You might assume this is just a projection of Shao Khan. But a projection wouldn't be able destroy a temple. No, it's clear Shao Khan in this universe is a translucent titan.

02) Can you just pull a weapon on somebody in the Tournament?

"Well, that's not sporting at all."

Because it seems that one can. Kano can casually produce a knife, and That guy has some kind of fighting sticks.

So if there's no limits on weapons, who doesn't every fight have them? Why can't Sonya just  stab Goro in the neck and call it a day? I'm sure the only reason her gun  was destroyed early in the movie was to keep her from turning Mortal Kombat into Unreal Tournament.

01) If Raiden has no power in the island, how come he can do a bunch of stuff?

Raiden is a God. However, Raiden has no power in the tournament's setting, the Island. We are explicitely told this. He can only...

NYE-HEH-HEH..

...threaten large groups of warrior men with lightening eyes...

...Piss off testosterone-ridden Ninja...

...manifest himself unexpectedly behind people...

Exactly how limited is Raiden? Because if he was just being an asshole and not directly helping well...that seemingly would go with a pattern.

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Dear Autobots: An intervention

"YOU LIED TO US!" "On our defense, here's an astronaut who traveled all the way to the moon." "THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!!"

I just want to say, that I love you. Well, not love-love, but I did have a fun time watching your first two movies, even if it doesn't make sense that Megatron can fly to a distant planet in a day. Even if your potty-humor seems entirely out of play and your robots curse. I like you.

I brought you here because I saw your new trailer, and I want to say, you have a problem, and I'm not talking about an in-story conflict that needs resolution to deliver catharsis, either. You see, the theme of this trailer, as it where, is that the U.S. government betrayed you. Or rather, that you betrayed yourselves using the U.S. government.

Because I have seen your movies, and in every single one, the Government of the United Stated has been fucking you up your robot asses, possibly litterally in Bumblebee's case.  In movie one they captured and tortured him in a secret base, after all. In movie two they used you for their own personal benefit, and then failed to assist you when your leader died. In movie 3 they straight up sold you to your enemies.

So when movie 4's trailer indicates that the US is again  hurting you, it's not so much a disturbing scenario, but the 2nd direct to DVD sequel to the fable of the Scorpion and the Frog; no cause for surprise.  Autobots cannot continue to be in this horrible relationship with the American Government. I know that their military resources are necessary to maintain your campaign against the Decepticons (and indeed, the intake of cash of this franchise). Most people in abusive relationships are willing to  stay in them, as long as they don't have to depart certain benefits of them.  But you guys can make it on your own.

Lou Diamond Phillips is now the Frog.

In your cartoons, you guys are perfectly able to fend off most of your enemies most of the time. Maybe the silver lining to staying away form the U.S. government would be that you'd get to be more like that: Maybe this time you'd get to be the heroes of your story, instead of  Shia Lebouf, Josh Duhamel, Jon Voight, Mark Whalberg, and Ednik Stero-type. Maybe next movie we could get a look at how the 'Bots relate to each other.

I cannot continue to watch you hurt yourselfs. Certainly not while paying full price for a ticket. Please. You need help...but you can do this without the air force. We don't want to see Transformers constantly put up with government abuse while in constant admiration of the Armed Forces, Michael Bay  Autobots.

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Unlicensed Lawyer: Pokemon rights

Okay, that is one metal Pokemon logo, Peta. Credit where it's due.

Some of you have taken to comparing the act of Pokemon battles, as seen in the multimedia success Pokemon, to cockfighting, a practice mostly illegal in the U.S.A., yet still practiced in it's most darling territory, where I happen to live. In fact, those comparisons are bordering on "not funny anymore".

I am not gonna guess what you think of cockfighting, although I'm guessing a good amount  of you think it's somewhere from "that's not nice" to "that's a barbaric ritual that doesn't belong in the 21rst century". I'm not gonna try to defend cockfighting, but I am going to become an unlicensed lawyer for Pokemon battling.

See, most of you have not considered  that Sinnoh, Johto, Kanto and the rest have different social histories from us, and most of those come from the fact that they have creatures that can shoot fire and water and thunder scattered all over the land.

I mean, think about it: We tamed the bull and put him to work fields, we tamed the dogs and used them to protect our homes: how would we have reacted  if we had somehow tamed a horse that can shoot fire or a psychic duck? Every element of our society would be completely different.

There's no guns in this world for the most part, because who needs guns when you can  summon an invincible penguin that can waterbend? Knocking  a guys Beedrill makes him be at your mercy. I bet war is not fought with hosts and swords, either.

And we would have had to do this long before we had the slightest concept of  human rights, as living in the world of Pokemon seems to be unreasonably dangerous. Maybe you've never been to a rural area and have no idea how common "tall grass" is. But in this  world, walking into it means certain death.

Like a hellish fusion of Australia and the African Bush, , walking into an untamed area  means that every animal within hearing distance wants to kill you. But whereas in Africa it might be a gagoon biter or in Australia it might be dingoes, Animals that LOOK dangerous, here even squirrels, sparrows and caterpillars  want kill you and eat your remains.

My Photoshop powers increased 10 fold since ou last match.

You where walking in the woods, minding your own business on your way to your nephew's birthday party. You didn't walk in looking for trouble, but you found it:  You are face to face with a bear, and you need to preserve your own life. But if instead of having a rifle, that even at close range might not be enough for you not to become bear chow, what if you could draw YOUR OWN BEAR, and have it fight instead? Would you consider the option? Could that even be more humane?

What if you KNEW that every 1 to 11 steps a bear will without any doubt charge you. Would THAT be reason enough to  have a defense bear of your own? Would you need six bears to survive a relatively short  trip unscathed?

What's worse is that Pokemon are no innocent victim's of man. No. Pokemon are actually proven to have conscious thought on a level where they understand  humans a good amount of the time. Sometimes they even work together to screw over wayward kids, even when it's animals you don't think that's cooperate. Don't you see? They aren't attacking because it's their natural instinct and they feel threatened or hungry. They know what they are doing: mobbing the shit out of some dumb kid because HOW THE HELL IS HE GONNA STOP THEM?

Okay, you're just a blue wrestler with a lizard for a head. You can't be claiming no animal rights.

Cockfighting? When was the last time  a rooster killed a child by shooting thunder at it and laughed?  If Pokemon are as smart or more than people, then they too should be judged by their actions equally, and be found  guilty of being...well...monsters!

This world doesn't have Pokemon fight because it's fun. They have Pokemon fight because it's the only way to survive in this world. Pokemon  subjugation by humans is the alternative to human subjugation by Pokemon. It's as essential for human civilization as  the wheel or vaccines or electricity. Did they elevate it to a spectator sports? Well, did we not do so with martial arts?

 Most of us are lucky to never having had to fight of a wild animal for sheer survival of self or kin.  Even Grisly Man , who considered being eaten by bears an honor, tried to fight back when the most obvious  possible thing that could happen to him and those  dumb enough to hang with him happened. In the Pokemon world there is only certainty that death follows those that don't have Pokemon. And most of us don't know what that's like to be passing judgment.

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Horrendous Theory: Gerti Giggles is Dead

"...shall disavow any knoweledge of your existance. Now...did you brush your teeth?"

The Spy Kids franchise returned last year(to the delight of very few, apparently) after quite long time dormant. So much so, the titular secret agent children from the first 3 movies are all grown up and cameoing in the film.

In fact, if I recall, this franchise was quite big on cameos. My first one was the 3rd, and I was pretty confused as to why Steve Buschemi arrived on a flying pig near the end. But aparently they just dragged every single character from two movies.

Do you think he had a hilarious death offscreen?

The new one, thought, reduces the cameoing. After all, in the film's story, many years have passed, and the O.S.S. shut down the Spy Kids division. And you gotta wonder: why would an intelligence division shut down a department that saved the whole world thrice?

I mean, even with the plot about a bad guy time traveling and making himself the boss of an agency, he'd still have to answer to higher ups. What happened? Escalating budgets? The truth about Machete got out? No I think the truth is much darker and deadlier.



I believe there was a crisis. The truth about the Spy Kids agency got out. I mean, this are children being trained as soldiers and given potentially deadly assignments. Even in the decade where words like "rendition", "torture" and "unilateral" where the daily breath of news outlets around the world, I think "Child Soldiers" would litterally top all of those.

I believe Gerti Giggles is dead.



Gerti Giggles was an agent of the Spy Kids program, notable for her unusual laughter. Along with her brother, they where sort of rivals for the kids in the second movie, till they found out that their father was a criminal and a traitor. They helped turn him in.

In the third movie, they showed up for the climax fight against Sylverster Stallone riding a giant monkey mech(do not check your mouth for drugs: you just read that).



It'd be easy to assume Gerti outgrew the program and maybe moved on to become a mercenary or to another intelligence agency. But here's the thing: In the new movie she's nowhere to be found. And you know, Machete still works there(of course he fucking does). Juni continued to work there. The other kid actually chose to leave. Where could essentially half of all actual shown agents of the program have gone?

What's worse is that I don't think Gerti Giggles died because her father put a hit on her or because she was intercepted in North Korea and tortured to death. I think it was an accident. I mean, her flight method involved spinning her pigtails to somehow achieve propulsion. That probably involved some powerfull, unseen mechanism inside the hair of a little girl. It could have burst in flames, or torn her scalp clean off in midflight. It could have caused an infection.

This creates an alternate reality where the Cyber Bully movie didn't happen.

Her body is found, and all hell breaks loose. The secret is out, and it brings on the O.S.S. child labor accusations, human rights violation accusations, and some even want war crimes charges on the O.S.S. president. In a hurry, the whole program is shut down, and everything is swept neatly under the rug. The damage is done, and some people lose their job over it, but they don't have any evidence that is usable in court. What is, is covered under the Patriot Act. George Clooney gets another term as Commander in Chief.



But it's just a theory, though.

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5 ways in which Avatar is not like Pocahontas

lol I are teh clevers!

Friends and friends of friends: criticism of the film Avatar is good and true. The 2009 film made the mistake of overpromising and underdelivering, and making 3D a "thing" we've had to "endure"since. We expected more from the director of Terminator 2, True Lies and Titanic.

However, we might be wrong about SOME of it. There has been criticism of the simplest story, saying that it's nothing but Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, and Ferngully in space. However, I think one of those is inaccurate. In truth, Avatar has more to do with The Last Samurai than it does with Disney's mid 90's Animated film.  Let me explain...

5) One's key character is female, the other one is Avatar

Do not scratch his belly.

Whereas both films present a clashing of societies, colonial exploitation, and the need to conserve resources, one of these is mostly played through the eyes of a native woman. Pocahontas, really is Pocahontas' story, as it begins in her village and shows her struggle with her force marriage and her need to be free and eventually throws John Smith and the settlers in there.

Avatar is the story of Jake Sully, who has a problem with not being able to walk and trying to do a thing his brother was doing, but better(i.e. not dying). Eventually  he enters the lives of Neytiri and the Na'Vi and kinda fucks it all up for them.

This is no mere difference of genders: one of the movies shows an outsider looking in, while the other is about the opposite. 


4) One softyifies the ugly past, the other sticks the ugly past into the future

In Avatar, evil corporation wants to evict a peace loving (but somewhat violent and reclusive) group of NaVi from their group so they can fully destroy their hometree and dig under for future-gold(because what the Unobtanium actually does is unimportant, it might as well just BE gold). At first this large, catlike beings can only cry in terror, but after  bringing aparently every Navi in the whole of Pandora,  they turn away the invaders.

Pocahontas has a less dark view of colonialism. The invading forces are mostly aloof, and do not even understand how to find what they are looking for. Roughly one of them is absolutely evil, and the rest is just a series of hilarious misunderstandings that can be surpassed if we just understand each other.

Racism is what gay, ugly, fat people do.

If the movies could be songs, Pocahontas would be You gotta care, and  Avatar would be Guerrilla Radio.


3) Avatar does not fear the War
The Climax of Pocahontas is preluded by a song called Savages, which exposits that natives and settlers disagree about each other, but agree that the matter will be settled effectively by braining the opposing group. Pocahontas races barefoot to  stop her father from executing the shit out of John Smith, and thus save both groups from a bloody conflict.

The Climax of Avatar features Jake Sully and his human friends aligning with the  Natives to essentially betray their own kind. Michelle Rodriguez dies, but I guess deep down, we knew it was gonna happen. Maybe they'll clone her here, too.

See,  violent conflict is a problem in both movies, but a solution in only one of them. Luckily those natives learned to trust the English settlers and everything went hunky dory for them!


2)The Romance is not as obvious in Avatar

"I'm afraid if I sleep here, your grandma will give me morning wood."

Both films feature starcrossed lovers from different, conflicted factions. Albeit only one of them has the outsider disguised as a native. However, the nature of the romance itself is different.

Pocahontas, perhaps because it is more geared toward the female audience, follows the legend of the Native American girl who fell in love with this foreigner, and was willing to die for him. For her, it is no mere matter of principle because there are feelings involved(also, her settlers are actually benign and the whole thing is a series of misunderstandings)

Avatar does have a romance, but it is not a movie about a romance. Jake Sully is shown the point of view of  the group, because he is pretending to be one of them until he stops pretending.

1) There is no assimilation in Pocahontas

So not only are we getting furry fetish, but foot fetish as well?

In the end of Avatar, Jake Sully has become one with the Na'Vi, and his doctor friend has litterally become one with the earth(or was it the other way? I haven't watched it lately).

On the other end of the spectrum, in Pocahontas the settlers leave(which makes them BAD settlers) despite being in the graces of the natives. John Smith leaves, too, even though he is clearly in love with the girl, making this whole damn thing a waste of time that cost a bunch of money and one life (but don't worry, he was kind of a jerk!).

In the other cited examples, the outsider with a heart of gold becomes one of the group, or doesn't do so because of tragic reasons(see, The Last Samurai). Because in the end, John Smith wasn't interested in the Colors of the Wind or becoming a Native American. In fact, he never even TRIES. All he cares is poking dat hunt ass his love for Pocahontas. But not enough to stay there.

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The Capcom Timeline

Now, to sing us their latest hit "Rwooorwooo"...CAT FEVER!

What will come of the future? I used to think it would be as presented in fiction that was older than me: Flying cars, Flying backpacks and silver pleather tights. Then I thought it'd be a charred husk of desert where we survive until roaming gangs find us. I've since learned that the future is never what we expect. Amazing people work in things we don't imagine, evil people plan things we don't want to imagine, and silver pleather is never gonna be in style.



However, that doesn't mean that we can't look at fiction for a peek at what could be. For example...what if every Capcom game set on the future happened in a single timeline? What would our sons and daughters have to look forward to on it?



I mean, after all, the characters of Capcom games often intermix and coexist. Street Fighter and Final Fight share a universe. Chun Li(or a Chun Li looking Robot) shows up in Megaman 9. Jin from Cyberbots shows up un Tech Romancer. If it's all true, then let's see if it all fits.



First, a little Background...

Street Fighter 2-3 (1980s and 90s)



Terrorist leader M.Bison unsuccessfully tries to use martial arts contests to rule the world(should I even say it? I mean, it IS his quote). Bicolor Messianic cult leader Gill also attempts the same.

Bush Sr is a charge character, too.

Final Fight (1980s and 90s)

Gang violence erupts in Metro City, prompting several skirmishes between a small group of vigilantes and the gang members.



Resident Evil- 1998

A viral outbreak in Racoon city leads to the nuclear annihilation of it. Sporadic outbreaks take place after that.



Onimusha 3-1592 and 2004

Time traveling demons invade France, pissing of Jean Reno real bad.



Resident Evil 5-2009

The mastermind behind the viral outbreaks in Racoon City is finally delivered the kind of justice only Lava and rocket launchers can make.



Dino Crisis-2009



Paramilitary forces storm Ibis island, where they enter in contact with dinosaurs. By "come in contact with", I mean, "mostly get eaten by".



Street Fighter 2010: The Final Fight-2010

Learned the gene splice from Cyclops.

Genetically engineered entity ravages several whole planets and mutates their populace until stopped by martial artist/scientist Ken Masters.



It goes without saying from here on up things did not come to pass.



Phoenix Wright- 2016



Two years after the increase in crime has lead to a complete subversion of how the justice system works and pretty much set human rights back decades, it's clear the system is here to stay.



Captain Commando-2026



The de-evolution of human rights and the increase in crime has finally lead to a baby in a robot suit punching people being not illegal in any way



.

Megaman: 200X-20XX(Between the year 2000 and the year 2099. It obviously did not happen while you was watching the second X-Men movie)




Seriously, somebody shoot Dr Willy.





Concern is raised when the advanced robotic technology that has become standard is being abused by criminals.



Battle Circuit- 20XX(Between the year 2010 and the year 2099. It obviously did not happen while you was watching the X-Men Prequel)



A group of mercenaries become engaged in unconventional warfare with an intergalactic gang for control of weapons of mass destruction. One of said mercenaries is a little girl in an ostrich that has an eyepatch.



Strider-2048

If you point out that this isn't that specific Grandmaster, I will murder you in your sleep.

Mysterious Posthuman dictator "the Grandmaster" takes over the earth, until assassinated by Strider Hiryu.



Cyberbots: Full Metal Madness- Near the end of the 21rst Century(Let's say from 2080-2099)

Pangalactic empire faces scandal involving using children as energy, which created huge negative feedback of the "giants mechs punching each other" variety.

Yeah, yeah, children into energy. I just want to know what your stance is on gay marriage.

Tech Romancer- ("The Far Future." Not so far that Jin Saotome from Cyberbots can't show up. Though who knows how long people of his time live?)

An alien invasion generates skirmishes among mech pilots.





Steel Battalion- Heavy Armor-2082

Computers have stopped existing, probably as backlash for the whole "children as energy" shit. Also, there was a sever drought in creative mech design. Probably on account of the Mech centric city stompings in Cyberbots and Tech Romancer.





Megaman X: 21XX(A Hundred years after Megaman Uno. I.E. From 2100 to 2199)






Self aware machines initiate revolt against humanity.


Seriously, Boomerant. That's what he oughta be called.



Star Gladiator: -2348

Pangalactic Empire of one Bad Darth Vader clone falls.

Plasma Sword: Nightmare of Bilstein -2349

Pangalactic Empire strikes back with Ghost Darth Vader clone in tow.

Dino Crisis 3-2548

Clearly Jurassic Park AND 2001: A Space Odyssey have been forgotten, because some jerk scientists have decided to put their Jurassic Park inside their Rogue A.I. space station.



Megaman Legends-80XX



The earth is now mostly flooded and whether the people left in it are traditional humans is anyone's guess. I warned you guys abut the space dinos!

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5 movies that would have ended in court

It is not unusual for movies to skip certain legal proceedings. But this is especially true when said proceedings get in the way of a happy ending and those sweet, sweet credits. However, if you think about it, harsh and long legal proceedings might be the only natural outcome of a great many movies. I'm going to leave it at 5, though.

The Unborn

"Look lady, I am a demon coming to posses your body, but I'm not going to until you start wearing your own size."

The unborn is a stupid movie about Jewish exorcism.. You might think it's scary if you think upside down heads are scary, and also you are 5.

Kicked out of most doggie shows on suspicion of surgery.

In order to cure our protagonist of her Nazi-enabled demon possesion(I warned you it was stupid!), her boyfriend, a Rabbi, a Reverend and a small group of paranormal researchers/documentary crew/fodder exorcise her in a creepy abondoned building. In this cleverly chosen place, most of them meet their end, either because they where possesed and had to be killed, or killed by the possesed.

YOUR MOTHER IS A RESPECTED MEMBER OF THE JEWISH COMMUNITY IN HELL!

In the end, the priest and the girl are the only survivors. A Few month's later, we see the girl checking a pregnancy test and...

...no. You don't get to leave a building with 7 bodies and no alibi that isn't demonic possesion by Nazi demons. That's how you get arrested for murder!

If you think the cops are gonna take a bunch of bloory footage of people screaming as evidence, stop thinking. Most of the supernatural occurences happened offscreen, and the girl has a history of mental illness in her family. Put together with the recent deaths of those she knew and let's just say she'll have an uphill battle  proving her version before a jury.

Above the Law

Or maybe it's not this movie. I don't know!

Steven Seagal is Steven Seagal, a cop accused of a crime he didn't commit, and so he sets out to track down the real culprits, prove his innocence, and get revenge. There may be other films with this plot.

"Are you guys done shooting, I neet to snap all your arms and legs before my break."

In the nd Steven breaks into bad-guy villa and kills everyone, as he is wont to do. His superior walks into the scene and just goes "good job", like it was a baseball game and Steven just scored 10 points.

Yeah, not so good, Steven. Now he has to, in addition to the original charges, face evasion of justice, various counts of murder, illegal weapon possesion, breaking and entering and many, many more. He can't say he walked into the manor not planning to kill everyone.

But if the Chief is to be believed, Steven Seagal is Above the Law. Maybe the cops will illegally cover all the crimes of a fugitive if it's a guy they know.After all, these are criminals he killed.

But criminals have families too. If the state doesn't pursue, they will probably face a huge class action suit for every goateed thug's neck he snapped. No matter how moch they are riding on the ponytailed antics of Seagal, they'll probably rather fire him than face the enormous cost of backing Seagal up.

This guys became a rap mogul just by getting a severe beating.   If Steven Seagal was a real life person, he's be the new president.

Matilda

Not being loved by your parents is an adventure!

Matilda is a little girl who gets no breaks from enyone in th efucking world, including her parents and at school. She also has telekinetic powers. Before she can grow up into a Carrie, she finds a sweet teacher called Miss Honey, who isn't a complete monster to her.

Eventually her parents are sought out by the law for several minor crimes, and they need to leave the state. Ms. Honey an Matilda convince them to quickly sign over adoption papers to hand over Matilda to Honey.

Hey, maybe in a couple of years Tim Burton might remake this movie...

Needless to say, adoption does not work like this. Matilda is not a car, and if she was, it's take more than signing 3 sheets of paper in 1 minute for the exchange to occur.

What I'm saying is if Ms. Honey was played by Kathy Bates, it's be at least an open ending.

Matilda's parents, in this case, are in a state of lawlessness  and in no position to leave their child to anyone. If it was that easy, what's to stop an accused child abuser of giving his victim  to someone who was willing to trade the child back to him? The state would at least want to investigate what resources and background Ms. Honey has to take care of a kid. It's way more likely instead that Matilda would go through several temporary homes. With her rotten luck for authority figures, her fate is most likely two bags markes "evidence".

Collateral

Tom goes crazy without his Rogaine.

Collateral is a movie where a hitman(Tom Cruise) and the dumb driver he kidnaps to drive him to several hits(Jaime Foxx). Early in, Cruise remarks how one can die in the subway and no one might find out.

See, becomes ironic later in the climax, where Cruise shot dead by Foxx in a subway and gets away safely. Never mind that for it to come to that, Foxx just had to crash a car, kidnap a cop, steal a cellphone, break into a building(using bullets) be chased by an armed Tom Cruise into a Subway, where they shot at each other until Tom Cruise decides to die.

Did I leave the oven on?

Oooh, and no one will die because he's dead in the Sub! They'll think sleeping out his massive hemorrage, right?

No, what will happen is that Foxx will do time for kidnapping and murder, as soon as an unlucky train employee finds Tom's body and they quickly link it to Foxx's spree through obvious forensic evidence and eyewitness corroboration. Self Defense has limits, yo.

Free Willy

Thanks kid. I'm off to torture sea lions before killing them!

Free Willy follows a boy's heroic quest to free his penis an Orca whale from it's evil owner's at Not-Sea world. And if you where born in the western world before 1991, you know he was succesfull in this endeavor.

If not,   quick summary. The boy met the whale in an illegal vandalism excursion, during which he was caught. He is put to work assisting in the aquarium, and he soon becomes good friends with Willy.

Once he learns of  the parko owner's plan to whack his precious willy, he, along with consenting adults, break out the whale from the aquarium on various vehicles.

You can't fuck wit our whales, motherfucker!

Now, I'm not saying it's wrong to free an animal that is going to be killed for it's insurance money. But i'm pretty sure it's illegal to haul around an Orca whale on tha back of a truck without some kind of permit. Because sure, this guys are heroes if the whale lives, but if their transmission gives out and Willy dries up, that makes them reckless thieves.

So adding to the boy's rap sheet further breaking and entering charges, destruction of property as well as enviromental charges, he's probably, he's likely to face juvie hall. Allthough perhaps a local celebrity would intercede for him. Unless he's a whale hating cyborg. Then no.

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