Thursday, December 30, 2010

5 parts of the Book of Exoddus that never make it into movies

You want some? Come get some!

Movies about the Bible have been done to death( and ressurection). Built in audience aside, this stories are often ripe for adaptations, full of good, evil and interpretation of both. And probably none more so than Exodus.

You know this story. A group of people are slaves in a foreign land, until  one of them becomes  part of the ruling class by accident. Eventually, the oppression of his people becomes too much for him and he decides to help them out, leading them to the only good land in a really shitty desert region  promised land..
Swampy isn't holy.

But not all parts of this story are iconic enough to be made believable as films, no matter how much Charlton Heston is Moses and Ralph Fiennes is Pharaoh. Some of them are straight up unadaptable. Such as...

5 God was trolling the Israelites
 So Moses shows up and tries to convince Pharaoh to let his people go after 3 or  4 plagues. And Pharaoh's got half a mind to let them go, too. And wouldn't you? How many frogs would you need in your house to convince you to higher powers are in the works?

But then God had to intervene. scripture says he "Hardened Pharaoh's Heart" so he would not let the Israelites go.
This is what it looked like on the animated version

God's motives are unclear. What is clear is that Old Testament God wanted this to play out exactly like it did.Obviously, in a movie, you can't have  God in a movie telling you on  one half to struggle for freedom, and on the other half making it difficult. It's like Arnie giving Predator weapons.

4 Moses had a speech impediment
I think we can safely say that if Moses was a real  man, he probably looked nothing like the movies would portray him to be. The Bible tells us nothing of his looks, and we are left to speculate how awesome his beard is.


But we can know, though, that  Moses had trouble talking. When God shows up to him as a burning bush and tells Moses to go free his people, Moses replies back that he can't talk for shit.

Less Awesome, somewhat.
We don't know if it was a stutter, or stage fright or didn't know the language. Maybe He had aspergers. I don't think he's lying, though, because he is later assisted in talking publicly by his brother Aaron. Which is why this won't make it into movies. Moses has to be the star, and he can't be if Aaron is the one who gets to say the cool things.

3 Moses stuffed the idol  down the Israelites throats
Moses came from a mountain where he had just died from seeing God, and man, he probably felt great. And God had given him this awesome stone tablets with commandments for a better life. A better world. It's hard to ruin a day like that, but the Israelites totally did.

When Moses came back, shit had degenerated to Courtney Love levels. Every kind of sin on the tablets was happening especially idolaty of golden statues. I think at this point Moses realized it the hard part WASN'T done, and he was going to have to deal with gold idols for a long time.

You may have heard Moses crushed the tablets of the law in anger. What you may not have heard is that he fed the gold idol it into a soup and fed it to his fellow desert-dwellers.

I don't think anyone would want to see Israelites eat grounded gold. I'm sure that has some symbolism of some sort, but hey, way the economy is going, maybe we soon oughta make and eat some Idols.

2 Moses Wasn't allowed to get to get to the promised land

After a talking to and a  nice dinner as seen above, it was well time the Israelites got to wander the desert for 40 years until they found the promised land. And they all got there. All of them except for Moses.

See, Moses I think by this point, had built some rage. God told him to speak to a rock to make water, but instead hit it with his staff.

That was a no-no.  So God told him if he was gonna rage, he better GTFO.
Not gonna see this on film. Because  this as an ending would have Mist like proportions. Think about it: escape assasination at birth, grow up royal, give up royalty to free your people, successfully free them, part the seas, look at Yahweh's face...then he kinda fucked it all up because he woke up angry that day
1 God wanted a do-over

It really happened. God wanted to kill everyone of His people, but Moses convinced him his street cred was at stake.

'Course, Mose's idea for the situation wasn't entirely peace and love, either.

See, this is what kills it. Most movies have pretty clear cut heroes. The idea that the one who is liberating you is willing to kill you off if you cross him is hard to sell on an movie. But you can't make an omelet without wiping a few eggshells from the book of life, right? So maybe the next 4 hour long epic film about the good book will have a little less characterizing, and a lot more Old Testament God fury.


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