Monday, September 21, 2009

5 properties that shouldN't have had cartoons(but still did)

So...remember when you tried to force me into marriage?Me neither!

Hey, I understand. Children are essentially living loopholes for their parents money. Whether it's selling them impromptu Ice Cream or shilling out yet another version of the Nintendo DS, children are the Achilles Heels of the economic stability of adults. And I should know. I was a child once.
Makes sense. There are aliens and the shooting of them. Go on!

But there's a point when, at the entertainment industry, where people must wonder: will children REALLY buy this? While it's easy to underestimate the little-uns, there are lines that being crossed, and their normally dormant good taste senses are awoken.
He's a has BEAN!

The following franchises crossed that line. They should not have been made into cartoons for children. And in a fair world they wouldn't have.
Fatality!!! Except not really!
But this isn't a fair world is it?

5)Mr T
Mr T is a man of deep thoughts. Foo'!

What's the franchise?
Mr T, human catch-phrase cannon.

So it's a bit of a softball, I know. Mr T was a well into being merchandised by the time this show came to be. Heck, he'd already had been in The A-Team animated series. What more could they do?
So how did they adapt it for kids?
Well, for one, put Mr T with a bunch of gymnasts. I mean, Rambo fot teamed up with some GIJoe wannabes and Chuck Norris with a Sumo wrestler. But Mr T had a bunch of kids on white leotards. The Sky Dancers could kick their asses.

Also, it looks like a 60's cartoon featuring an 80's icon. I mean, kids like dated animation, right?
4) Ace Ventura
So he's like Wolverine, but instead of cloggin comic covers, he finds dogs.

What's the franchise?
A Jim Carrey film franchise where he once dropped a transexual's pants. Yes, way before the dark one entered our world, attempts to sell your kids ass ventriloquism already existed.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
My taking animal names litterally. Because bald eagles that are bald are funny.

This one suffered by the adaptation meme syndrome, where in order to capture the spirit of the film, they repeat moments of th film in every chapter. So every episode, inevitably, Ace would call someone a "looooooser" talk with his butt, catch something with his mouth, etc. It's not like the Karate Kid cartoon had Daniel-San learning to fight by cleaning each episode, right? NO, really, do tell, I can't remember.

3)Bubsy the Bobcat
The subject shows a distinct lack of originality! Add more puns!

What's the franchise?
Sonic Clone number 22324889A-70. Laboratory transcripts say he "lasted more than most, more than he should, and less than Crash Bandicoot"and that "the third dimension finally did him in".
So how did they adapt it for kids?
More transcripts:" And we where so close, too! We even began the process of genetic duplication of the cartoon! But the DNA samples we took where broken, because they where based on the more retarded version of animated Sonic, and the resources we have for scripting are appallingly poor. Hopefully, if this goes beyond pilot we'll get at least a good catchphrase."

What could possibly go wrong indeed.

2)Police Academy
My comment couldn't make something Police Academy related funny.

What's the franchise?
A frat boy comedy series where the frat boys are also supposed to uphold the law. Specifically, this is seemingly based on the 4rth film where they added the "citizens on patrol" characters, if you care about Police Academy continuity.

So how did they adapt it for kids?
Singing and rap. In every single maligned episode.

Every chase was punctuated by a "Fat Boy Raps" that would forever haunt your memory and leave you a broken shivering mess. It's a sad state of affairs when you are forced to use phrases like "I wish it where more like Police Academy". But such it is in this cartoon.

1)Free Willy
Tekken has upped the ante on air juggles and animal characters.

What's the franchise?
A series of films about a boy who really likes an Orca whale, with a title that invokes putting spit in peoples ears.
So how did they adapt it for kids?
How didn't they? The first episode has the kid suddenly realizing he can talk to Willy and other sea mammals, including Einstein the Dolphin and a Seal, who are friends of Willy. This is the human equivalent of you being friends with a Grill Cheese and a Burrito.

Then, make it more faux nature conscious, but ignore everything like facts. Like here, where a seemingly evil squid with a beak skims across the surface of the water to try and kill an Orca Whale. I mean, if you want to be all touchy feely about nature, you might as well be accurate.

Add a cyborg villain who really has it in for Willy for his condition and would go to any Captain Planet's villain-esque lenght to kill it. If it seems referency to Captain Ahab, of Moby Dick lore, Ahab was quite straightforward with his plan: Spear the damn thing! No slime minions. no mutant octopusses, no DDT. Stab it, like they do to 1000's of other marine animals each year!

In short, this cartoon had to be stretched so far beyond the basic levels that movie had that it boggles the mind why would they even bother making it about the film. But it's the essence of my argument: If played straight as a cartoon version of the series, it would fail as well. The world's children did not need a cartoon based on Free Willy. So who's this for?


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