Mira!

It makes a pun before killing you.

No jodan mas con Google Maps, coño!

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A game A year: 1986

 

The Cold War should have involved Sean Bean more often...

 So, another month, another installment of A Game a Year or...A.G.A.Y....if you MUST shorten it.

1986: While yo guys where listening to Burning Heart, I was probably badly trying to walk. So, yeah, I didn't to much gaming. I did however, maybe play a game from this year much later. Well, I remember it somewhat. It was called Alex Kidd in Miracle World.

A miner with a horn is a miracle indeed.

For those of you too young to remember, Alex Kidd, was Sega's earlier attempt at rivaling Mario for that platformer Mascot crown.  An apelike  boy with huge ears, he would go on to be replaced with  Sonic as Sega's mascot. But not before having a franchise that spanned multiple games. 

He's since been in Shenmue  as a toy, in a racing game, and in Celebrity Rehab.

My cousin Beto, who was recently killed, had a Master System, and had this and Ghostbusters(which never worked, no matter how much we begged him to try it.). I don't really recall being let play, but I do remember a boy,  Rock Paper and Scissors and colorful graphics.So, is Alex Kidd any good?

Well it's very HARD, that's what it is.  The controls are slightly slippery, so our Rice cake, Yen obsessed boy can fall right into a one hit kill. Yes, it's a one hit kill game. The game restarts you very close to your point of death, which you's think would be good, except if you respawn near a deadly frog.

The game is also heavilly dependent on money. Alex collects bags of Yen in order to buy items, some which turn stages entirely different.  A staged design for a fast motorcycle is no fun if you walk it. So you use your gigantic fist to open crates and rocks. But some crates hold a hooded figure that will hound Alex and kill him. So here lies a problem: the game makes you choose between grinding early to by items, or slogging later through a boring open field,

The graphics are very colorful. The Master System had nothing on  the N.E.S. in the graphics department. Hey, I bet they could make a great Bart vs the Space Mutants on that.

I didn't get very far. Hmm. Maybe Beto was on to something by not letting me play. Go with God, Man. Jump behind counters for safety away from gunfire in heaven...

Bonus round!

My choice of game for 1985 left a lot to be desired, so it's good I stumbled upon another obscure game from that year. You ever wonder why people make such a fuzz about Street Fighter 2? It's because before it, fighting game's used to be like this:

Konami's Galactic Warriors! Choose your robot!

Marvel vs Capcom 2's selection screen.

You're choices are strong robot, girl robot and pyramid transformer. The controls are simple: you have a laser, a telescopic punch, a regular punch and a block button. However, block is like seconds, man and then you have to push it again.. Is this "realistic"? I'm not qualified to say, as I'm not a martial arts robot. I will say, though once you learn to spam the telepunch, you're almost  a winner.

Music was nice, though. But , yeah, this game isn't getting it's characters made in M.U.G.E.N. for a reason.

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Leaked in Early Secrets: Iron Fist in da' Hood

dl

Hey, guys! I'm gonna make this  edition of L.I.E.S.  quick because I need to go back to pleasing Penelope Cruz, but here's a pic I took of a very official ESRB document.  I don't even know why it's so offtarget, but it had a pic of Baby Bobbie Hood and Ironfist in it. Here L.I.E.S. the truth.

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Test your curiousity

Here's a clickable image.

Clicking on it certainly does something. It could be something bad. I'm fairly certain it's not a good thing. And I am challenging you to, against all your better instincts click on it. Don't you wanna know what happens if you do? What do you do? Do you click on it? Would you feel safer if  you look below to see where the link is leading?

Yeah, didn't think so. Go ahead. Go crazy. Click on it. You might even like it...

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A pattern emerges: Game and song

If I am to break the curse of the game movie adaptation, I must break the destructive patterns this films have mostly followed. See if you can spot the trend.

Movie: Street Fighter
Actress: Kylie Minogue

Movie: Street Fighter: Legend of Chun Li
Actor: Taboo

Movie: Max Payne
Actress: Nelly Furtado

 Movie: Resident Evil Extinction.
Actress: Ciara

See the pattern? All of this guys in videogame movies where singers! As if that wasn't enough, here's some actors frm vg movies who also had music careers.

I never said GOOD...

It's true!

I don't know how to read this pattern. But evidence shows sometimes some singers just aren't meant to enter the movie industry, I don't know. What do YOU think?

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Dear Boycott Thor guys...

Sup dawg, I herd you like casting minorities in minor roles, so I put a minority  in your minor role so you can minor  while you roll.

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What the hell are you guys searching for?

I have held a deep interest in finding out just what you guys google that you end up here.  Today, it's...

...baby Rhino Foreskins? Why would anyone want to search THAT? Are they believed to be magical?  Is it part of the poacher trade? Is there someone out there who wants to have sex with baby rhinos?

I'm sorry. I wanted to write about this dude who was a yellow suited Superman, but more of a dick.

The joke makes itself. Can't see why I didn't do it the first time.

I did not mean for my jokes to interfere with your dietary/religious/sexual concerns.  Carry on.

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Who's up for a 3d remake of The Phantom Menace?

Sigh. He know's you'll go see it, too.

Not Me.

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M.U.G.E.N. Colony vol 2 pg 8

If  a site that features furries and futa says my anatomy is bad, it hurts me personally.

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, I reference Intense ANGER!

Suuuugar AAAAAAAANT!(shake fist)

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Frequently Stupid Questions:What went wrong with Superman Returns?

Q: Why is Superman getting rebooted? It almost broke even!

A: Well, merchandising is very important in the entertainment industry, And I think this trading  cards in the Cinnamon Life Cereal be the best evidence of just what went wrong there...

The Love interest in the film.

The Protagonist(or so I'm told).

The Protagonist's secret identity.

The protagonist's pal.

The antagonist of the film.

Uh, both the protagonist and the love interest.

Uh...a place that some scenes took place in?

Space.

If your huge summer tentpole film is so devoid of marketable elements that SPACE is worthy of a trading card, it better more than break even. How many of the things above can you make toys about. What things are missing here? Kal Penn and the other thugs? Lex Luthor's Girfriend? Kryptonite Island? Martha Kent and that dog she had? The Super-kid? No, here's what it was missing...

An actual villain.

If they where gonna put romance in there, that's fine. But by making the film as bland as possible any chance of a sequel was lost. While X3 and Pirates of the Caribbean: Whatever the hell subtitle had millions of characters cramed in there to put in T-Shirts and posters and backpacks, Returns had a vast, empty vacuum of Space.

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