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| You are too beautiful for this ungrateful world, completely bereft of grates. |
Hey, paisanos! It's your friendly neighborhood Batzarro, here to bring you another installment of Leaked In Early Secrets, or L.I.E.S. for short.
Now, usually I'll talk about some upcoming game or movie or something of pop culture ephemera, but I can't. See, lately things have been feeling different. I'm full of energy, I'm happy, and things are looking up. And it's because Donald Trump won.
Yes, Donald Justin Trump has made America Great again, in ways that are very tangible. It's everywhere, from the enormous crowds in his inaugural to the way the stocks have gone up, to the smile in a little girls face when you tell her about a giant Wall in the desert, Donald Trump is like if God was a candidate for President, but more powerful than God. And I've posted again and again and again about how fabulous he is and how beautiful he is!
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| Don't listen to the haters, Donald! Our love will triumph over them! |
But I worry about him. Which is why I moved my connections to see what sort of things I could find to help Make America Great Again. And what my contact, whom we'll call "Real Icecream" unncovered is shocking. Real Icecream, lot's of people are saying that they want to kill Donald Trump. We met outside of a baseball park in Washington. As he complained about the lack of vanilla flavor, something Donald Trump is sure to fix, he explained to me exactly what he knew.
This plot comes from an unlikely place: The White House. You see, Republicans are already weighting in if Donald Trump is crazy and should be impeached for it. Which is what happens when you are a master strategist like him, full of love and power, beautiful and deadly. However, "Real Icecream" described to me a conversation he heard in the White House while Donald Trump was watching TV. All names have been redacted, because I'm too young to have a lawsuit in my hands, and I don't want to be killed by them either. quote in yellow. Sue/kill my mysterious, unnamed, potentially unexistant source, not me!
Guy1: Congress is asking what the fuck is going on up here. They're asking what's wrong with POTUS.
Guy2: Look, honestly I thought it's be easier. I mean the dude believes in (Redacted Website), and If somebody should know how bullshit it is, it's me, cuz I used to run it.
Guy1: Well, we're gonna have to start weighting in if he's become a liability. He's very unpopular, we had more secret Service than people at the inaugural and if he goes down without us taking him down, he'll drag us down.
Girl1: So what do we do? What are you gonna do, Guy1, electrocute him until he converts...into a dead man?
Guy1: Well, let's think about this: He's old, he's in visibly a very bad shape, you can make it look like natural causes...
Girl1: What do you mean, bad shape...
Guy2: He's fat, he's balding, he don't look very manly at all. I mean, look at you, (Guy1) you don't look like you'll drop dead any time. Got the whole silver hair going on...
Girl1: He's gushing, aaaw! You'll make (redacted) jealous! You want to be first lady when Trump...
Guy2: (Redacted)'s not gay, he's just pretending. But at least he's not lying to himself like, half of (website's audience). Those guys watch Fight Club and then tell themselves they don't get a boner looking at Brad Pitt(laughs)
Guy1: Seriously, though, how we gonna do this? After the sanctions are off we're free to (slice neck gesticulation).
Girl2: Shoot him. Have some guy shoot him.
Girl1: Would people buy that? I mean, we're straining credulity with the (redacted refference to statement made) and the...what (Real Icecream) said.
Girl2: How many leader is been shot in country? Kennedy, Lincoln. And Americans are believing it is aliens or Iluminatti that did it.
Guy2: Reagan, too. To impress Jodie Foster. Dude would have been an MRA today! Fucking Cucks!
Girl2: Who? I don't...
Girl1: They probably never ran those movies in Estonia.
Guy1: Look, we can decide that later.
At this point Real Icecream had to leave for a press conference, but he, and many other people, are claiming this really happend. I don't know if it is true, or if you can believe it, but many people are saying it. They're saying everyone is about to turn on the President. That's what THEY and not ME are saying, and I swear to God I have no way of verifying if this is true or false.
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| But Americans want you to resist, Donald, they are showing this to you! |
If this was true, I would advice Mr President to trust no one. Everyone is, according to my source and what many people are saying, out to get him, and they haven't even decided how, and he should trust no one. In the end, I am, like you forced between choosing between believing some guy on the Internet whose motives are unclear, OR not believing that. But like my old Grammy used to say "Fuck it, break stuff". Or as I use it in Hashtags #FIBS. I never really understood what she meant and...I still don't, I guess. What's a fib, anyway?
