Unlicenced Lawyer : Van Damme's Guile

There once was a time, then a Street Fighter movie did not exist. Not a single one. There were not enough cartoons and animes and comics about Street Fighter to fill a Wikia. There was no Alpha, no Ex, no "Assassin's Fist" and certainly no "VS Tekken". There was only "2", 12 characters whose lives as far as we knew revolved solely around hurting each other in.

Ok, there might have been some.

In that world, full of optimism and potential, the announcement of a Street Fighter movie did exist. Back then, we weren't "tired" of remakes and adaptations(I guess with the record breaking millions these adaptations are making now, you could argue our tiredness can only carry us so far.) A Street Fighter movie was not a horrible suggestion: it was the alternative to no Street Fighter movie.

So the movie was made in 1994. They made some...choices with it. Some of those choices do not sit well with the most hardcore fans, who's clinging to a "sola interactiva" philosophy is as commendable as it is ill advised.

"They ruined T. Hawk!" yelled no one.

There's plenty of deviations that I would not have done, should this have been MY Street Fighter movie. As many, the 20 years since have mellowed my views on it, perhaps nostalgia catching hold, but that doesn't mean we can't have a better version. However, I am here to speak on behalf of one of the movies most fought about elements, it's lead character  Guile, played by Jean Claude Van Damme.

It's easy to see why they would be angry. Of all the National charicatures in Street FIghter, Guile is easilly the harder to screw up: A big, American military man. Why they went with a guy with a heavy Brussels accent, we might never know. We do suspect it having to do with getting a big name in there. Yeah, they where obviously only thinking about only the almighty dollar. But what do we know about Guile? Well, he looks like this.

Wait a minute: American military, huge muscles...early 90s... things that were popular... people with jowls and pronounced chins...

If you think about it, it makes sense to think that, when trying to represent an "American" martial arts/stock character, Capcom's designers would look at what was popular in American Cinema, and nothing was more popular than Arnold at the time. You can accuse Capcom of being ripoff artists, and you'd be right about that. But not only where they not the only ones, but they where pretty good at it, too. They put John Matrix in the hair of some nazi guy from Jojo's Bizarre Adventure and then boom! New character.

In this sense, Jean Claude Van Damme is the perfect choice for Guile:  a thickly accented action movie star. There's no way they would have gotten Arnold at the height of his career to play a big, cartoony setting like this, at a time where he was selling movies for himself. And besides, as far as having someone  doing stuff like this:

It makes sense to bring in a guy who can do stuff like this:

I say we have all been a bit unfair to Street Fighter: The Movie in this sense. Now, was giving Van Damme a moving speech a bad idea? Maybe. Was making his pants blue instead of Green a betrayal of SF cannon? Perhaps. Should The Boxer have been working for Bison and the Russian Guy have not been? Definitively.  Is the movie perfect? No. Is Van Damme the Worst Possible Guile? Not on your life, bud.

Now, who wants to hear about how I think Charlie should be played by Tom Cruise?

You know I'm right!

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Original characters: Do steal.

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THIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU!

"Lesse...Puch, pouch, pouch, pouch, gun, gun, gun, gun guuuun...sword, sword sword, sword dagger, boom! New character!"

We should count ourselves lucky. Used to be  superhero adaptations to the big screens ran into 3 key stumbling blocks, and most never rose up from there: "How could we put this on the big screen?" "How do we change this so its not stupid anymore?" and tertiarylly "how much money does it take?"

Now that Hollywood found the answers they've gotten to adapting superheroes left and right. But Kick Ass  aside, most of them have been the big popular ones from the big 2.

But perhaps thats all changing soon.

Rob Liefeld, celebrated creator of Deadpool and Cable is aparently about to have one of his million 90s superhero teams optioned for the big screen. The group is Bloodstrike, a commando of vampire blood fueled super commandos. Not to be confused with Youngblood, another Liefield team already optioned for film by complete monster Brett Ratner. Or Bloodwulf, Liefelds Lobo knockoff. Or Bloodbank, a character I just made up, but could totally be a Liefeld character.

Anyway, here is them.

Actually, I think crazy hairs up there is Bloodwulf. Maybe.

I for one cannot wait to finally see Sheeva, Wolverine and Deadpool onscreen. But I think Iron Monger and Hawkeye are lame so no praise there. I cannot wait to see Liefelds intricate original and stylistic designs come to life. Hopefully they will prove just as enduring as they where then.

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Don't Fear the Rip-off: Travesty and Roll Out

There is another world.

Under the glitzy, gajillion dollar hollywood super-blockbuster, but over the current of indie documentaries about dying of dyphteria in New Equatorial Guinea, it lies. Tiptoing the line between riding a recognizable product's coat-tales, and just straight up infringing them, knowing full well WB execs don't usually walk into Always 99.

In this world, you get shit like this.

The T-Bots Coloring activity book. Unafraid of any legal proceeding from Hasbro (after all, the concept of shape-shifting androids has already been copied several times without much consequence.)  the distributors burst right in. This is how you do it. Catch the confused step parents right before they can ask which one is Bumblebee.

But you may have some questions, seeing this cover. What exactly is inside? How do they expect kids to know what colors their ravenously plagiarized  characters are? Are there even characters in this? Why don't we let Schoolzone.com fill us in?

Take on the world with “T” Bots Morphing Robots. Give your child a pair of coloring books with a fun techno-twist. They offer a great break from more focused learning activities, plus, perforated, tear-out pages make for on-the-go coloring action and easy-to-display masterpieces

You got all that? This is a break from more focused activities, like eating paste and staring at their own noses. Don't be asking no dumb questions and buy or get out! Also, haha, you already bought it. But if you must know, this is what 55 Cents to 4 bucks get you...

Give me your face! Mine sort of sucks.

I call this guys Bestimus Primo. Presumably the leader of the T-Bots, Bestimus is clearly wondering about where Shia Lebouf  Michael Arangano is gone off to. Say what you will about him having a little Cylon in him, but they sure where commited to ripping of Transformer's motiff of them actually transforming into things, with the details like the wheels intact.(although with no actuall transformation as far as I could see) The could have just gone with some random, Transformer-ish robots and called it a day.

Of course, they gotta have some alternate forms, too. Otherwise it doesn't work.

The turbines are for flying, as penguins are known to do.

Yes! A Robot Penguin. We're clearly skipping right past Beastwars into Transmetals, because Iceborg here would not fool anyone if he apeared at your local zoo, trying to tap dance his way into freedom.

My skimming through the book showed me plenty of pages which uncluded animal forms, including a robot wasp and a robot whale.  Those things have happened, and probably could happen, respectively. But in all honestly, how do you color that? Do you color it off-color, like the kind of bad Waspinator knock off it presumably is? Is the robot whale the color of an actual whale?  

One thing's  for sure: the Tbots has trimmed a lot of the more obvious violence of the original, and instead opted more for characters posing and never doing anything more specific than that. While the parents are probably a little relieved that no one is getting his exaust port blown to pieces, perhaps you need to look at the other cover.

"Only one of my arms is guns...I'm such a failiure..."

"Gunblebee" here isn't to become your pet.  He's coming out of the war explosions with his hand out asking if you're perhaps join him in his dance with death. The T-Bot! It's exactly what meets the eyes!

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Son of a Pitch: Street Fighter 4 M.U.G.E.N. edition

Wat Stwengt! Bot Dun Fohgut dea many guyslike ew oll over dewowld.

You know, I've always wanted to make a fighting game. You have no idea. And when I first learned of M.U.G.E.N more than 10 years ago, I thought I'd finally be able to. Well, turns out it was a lot more complicated than I'd thought.



Still, I 've always had M.U.G.E.N. in my mind one way or another. It's been kept alive by a community that is as vibrant as it is overzealous, and even the makers of M.U.G.E.N going into Odinsleep couldn't kill the dream. Some truly amazing games and characters have been made by the community. But I think there's been a huge oversight.





Street Fighter IV. I don't think anyone has made stages, or chars of Street Fighter IV. But why? It's got cool characters and It wouldn't be any more work than any other M.U.G.E.N sprite ripped character. Hell, it's be even less, with the small amount of moves and frames the game has. It's just a Nes game for crying out loud!

Wait, you thought I meant THE Street Fighter IV made by Capcom in 2009? Silly me! I should have been more specific. I meant Gouder Co,'s 1993 Bootleg Street Fighter 4 for the NES.

They put the name on the character select screen just to fuck with you.

Mr Gouder must have known that making a fighting game for the NES was a bad idea. The system didn't have the input speed or graphic capabilities for something as complex as a fighting game. However, he must have liked money and facing legal charges for copyright infringement, because he chose to name his game Street Fighter IV, despite Street Fighter III not existing until several years later. I can just imagine being a kid in 1993 that has spent hours with Ryu, Ken and the rest of the gang from Street Fighter 2, suddenly being faced with a game that promises to skip over a whole sequel. However, the game is, unlike the Kart Fighter Nes Bootleg, only barely related to Street Fighter. This Bootleg went all the way, forging new ground into derivative plagiarism.

Shameku...Shoddyuken!

The cast consists of Shoto ripoff Goho Li, and his identical twin Cliff, Playboy Kitty Tracy and her doppleganger Bunny, Buddhist monk Moon and his smirking duplicate Chunfo, Twin Shotos Rober and Pasta, and tough army guys Ranboo and Stanlong.

They ruled out "Cobro", "Racky" and "Stepormamomwilshootyu" early on.

So what am I asking of the M.U.G.E.N. community? To remake a Nes game that had 4 Ryus and a Erin ripoff? Somewhat. I mean, I know you guys like frankenspriting and shotos. Well, how about if instead of making yet another version of Ryu, we frankensprite a new Street Fighter IV? We could figure all new ways to make Pasta different from Rober. I mean, honestly, there's less Shotos in Bootleg SFIV than there where in actual SFIV, and you guys still can't live without that Akuma.

It is dan all over again...

I, as I said, am no good at M.U.G.E.N. At any part of it. And what I learnt is that what the community most needs is coders. Which is part of what I'm terrible at. But maybe, if more than one of us gets their shit together, we can finally bring Tracy back. Who's with me?

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Barely Legal

Don't fear the rip-off.

Once Capcom sued another company that made a fighting game. The game, they claimed, followed  the archetypes of Street Fighter characters a little too closely and attempted to infringe on Capcom's intellectual property. In the end, the ruling was made that basically Capcom doesn't own concepts like "karate man", or "Russian strongman", and that anyone could make fighting games with those archetypes as long as those can't be confused with Street Fighter's characters.

So, how close is too close? See, during the early days of Fighting Female February I showed this pic of Seifuku Desetsu Pretty Fighter's schoolgirl having defeated someone at her stage, a beach.

The Suuuuuuuuuun goes doooooooooown...

And I made a joke, and we all laughed. Maybe. Then I went ahead and reviewed Super Strip Fighter 4: Hymen Fighting, I mean, the Whore Warriors, I mean no subtitle, and showed you this similar screen.

Okay, the skirt is short enough, but where is the long jacket?

And I had some more laughs at the expense of a Sailor Moon fighting game that's actually pretty solid. After all, it was pretty amusing that 2 fighting games had a schoolgirl whose stage was the a rocky shore and whose  winpose was similar.

I didn't think much of it. After all,  Japan IS an island, and I've heard girls in sailor outfits are a thing over there.  But then someone in Youtube said that Mari from Strip Fighter was similar to a fighter from  Pretty Fighter. Called Marin.

I couldn't read the kanji Pretty Fighter threw at me, but  further investigation shed light that Marin was, in fact the schoolgirl of that series. This was no coincidence. Amazed, I rushed to my, er...Super Famicon, and put on my, uh...import cartridge, to give  Marin a spin. 

Marin has a spin attack, a projectile called a "Blue Sailor Punch" and an uppercut. Basically she's the Shoto  of the series and an obvious sendoff to Sailor Senshi AKA Sailor Moon(the series, not the titular character.)



  
 Meanwhile, Mari, has those exact 3 things.

  

Of course,  it's easy to see where most new SSFIV(. x .) characters come from. Ran is basically Mai Shiranui from the  chest up, and Rana is Hakan as a girl. Ai and Bell are apparently Abel concept art.
 

Are they sued yet?

But that's kind of what you do in fighting games. You pick and choose characters from other, more known fighting games and give them a twist. Meanwhile, the difference in design is so non-existent between this two girls, that it could pass for a redesign.

StudioS doesn't have the hardest to google publisher name for nothing.

And then there's Mari's B Strip Hyper. Called F.I.S.T. Like the terrible 3D sequel to Seifuku D.  Where this happens:
 
Good one, Strip Fighter. That'll show that dead series from more than 10 years ago who's boss...

So  here's two characters who are similarly called, have the same attack moves, and  have  slight strips of clothing to claim as difference, and with not-so-thinly-veiled-references to the other work. It's obvious. Super Strip Fighter IV ripped off Seifuku Desetsu Pretty Fighter, the obscure girls only fighting game that no one likes for it's own sequel to an obscure fighting game no one liked. 

I mean, I get why one would rip off Street Fighter. People like that game. and buy it and know it. They've made movies about it. However, ripping off Hakufu Indecentsu Puta Fighter  I mean Seifuku Desentsu Pretty Fighter can only be for one of several weird reasons. Which include actually liking that piece of shit.

You are a weird, weird game, Super Strip Fighter IV. Lucky for you...I happen to like weird.

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DC's Plain Ketchup

Dollar! The ALL-MIGHTY!

I hate to say I told you so. Wait, no. Love. I love to say it.

So, my good DC fans, I told you so. We debated for 5 years whether a Justice League film was better if built up by individual movies. Sure, the matter is mostly out of our controls. But did not a wiseman say all is in vain?

You guys said a Justice League movie bombing could kill the chances of solo films. So how did that go? Did you enjoy your Jonah Hex and Green Lantern solo films not leading into a single film? Where the theoretical solo films in jeopardy if it bombed? You know the answer to this one.

I told you so. I told if anything had a chance at existance at Dc it was a single strong solo film. I told you if the movies had not existed yet, it was reasonable not to expect them in the future.

Now WB  has suddenly stumbled out of bed, slobber rolling out the mouth.  "Whu..., a Billion dollars? I NEVER expected a well done and marketed movie with popular characters to make money! Do we have some of those characters?"

Oh, please pretend this recent slew of announcements isnt related to Marvel and Joss Whedons excellent Avengers. It's something that they started writting a while ago, they say. THING IS, at this point after the initial cancellation of Justice League : Mortal, there have been so many movies in writting phase its obvious it isnt a problem with capacity, but desire. WB doesn't need to have it's own Avengers. Did the Dark Knight not make them  a bunchload of cash?

I knew this baby would come in handy someday.

You guys got what you wanted, but lost what you had.I did tell you so.

So WB is calling me toos. Hell, I wanted to cash in on Avengers too. Whats the plan? Well, they'll fast track a movie with Lobo starring the The Rock. Then Shazam, also starring The Rock probably. That one won't happen.

At least we'll always have the rage...(snif)

A Wonder Woman movie script will join the pile. Flash might get made. Then Avengers 2 will come out, and once again industrial amounts of wishful thinking will fall out of WB regarding Justice League. And we get to do this all over again.

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5 Sad , Sad facts about Johnny Test

^"And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.  And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven."

If this had been a real test, I, or some replicator blog copying me that isn't BestGeekEverPR, would be blogging about other shit.

In the year 2005, disaster struck. Into our world, a heinous, destructive force was unleashed, and it has wreaked havoc on the hearts of men everywhere. I am, of course, talking about the kid's cartoon show "Johnny Test"

Johnny Test: truly a cancer upon the world of animated shows, kid's shows, and television in general. It has been properly been declared the #1 TV show to cause dumbness in kids. In it's wake, good shows and bad shows and terrible shows and great shows have come and gone. But the Test remains.

I'm still bitter.

The show, about a wannabe cool kid who is experimented on his twin sisters, is, rest assured, well named. For the show itself is a measure to how widespread can a terrible show be. In order for future generations to understand the wretchedness that it is after all masters are inevitably burnt, here's 5 key facts to understanding the awfulness that is Johnny Test.

5)Johnny Test has never done anything original

Bore than Beets the Bye!

You like the Bible quote up there? It doesn't have that much to do with Johnny Test. It's just that by attaching myself to something most of the Western World knows, I gain more visibility and recognizably.

Understand, even good shows take from other shows. Often in  he form of parody or homage. Johnny Test, though, can barely get out of bed to find humor, let alone a parody of something. Which means that each "parody" episode feels exactly like what it is: a crude exploitation of something you know. Take  "Johnny's Pink Plague", the episode where the titular boy uses an experimental cream shot from a gun to cure acne all over town. The lowest common denominator would balk if such  material was implied to be meant for them, so to spice it up, the show decides it wants to be a Ghostbusters parody. Even with a terrible  "we have to cross the streams" reference. 

All of them is Winston.

Far be it from me to discuss the plausibility of a cartoon where zits can become sentient monsters, but what would  crossing a cream with the SAME EXACT CREAM accomplish? It doesn't make sense, and if I call it funny, humor can sue me for libel. This isn't just a thing that the show did. This is what the show does. If you can remember it, Johnny Test is awkwardly trying to shoehorn it into it's badly scripted  so called plots.

4)Johnny Test knows not humor

"This here be the funny switched. Hasn't worked in  many moons."

"What is this...Hue-Moar you speak off?" would reply this show  after being asked why it causes tumors in the funny bone. In it's six year history, Johnny Test has never even run into laughs, not even by accident. If it ever did, though, I'd like to think it would pull out a gun and yell that he killed them.

As a key piece of evidence, I present this episode, there Johnny is unable to buy a game because it is rated M. His parent don't want him to get the game, so the stage is set for scenes of Johnny Test doing stupid things to get a videogame. At the end, he eventually gets it, plays it, and declares that it gives him nightmares and that hjs parents where right. In pretty much those words. Yep. That's the punchline. He might as well have said "Running time achieved. Cowabenga."

"Here's the key to the cyanide case.  Bring for everyone."

There are many elements to comedy, such as timing, tone and playing with expectations. Johnny Test knows. It's spent  whole existence escaping from those. But if Sitcoms and Inspector Gadget(1997) taught us anything is that funny sounds make drab comedy tolerable by telling the audience, "yeah, we know it's not funny". And so, Johnny test scrounged up the meager sounds it could: whipping noises. Every time something poignant(more like repugnant) happens, the ghostly sound of a whipping noise can be heard, making me think the forced jokes that comprise this show are literally forced by whipping.

3)Johnny Test is inferior to it's most likely inspiration

Okay, say you got high as hell and watched a bunch of Boomerang shows. And then the mafia showed up and said they where gonna kill your family unless you weaponized yawns using Illustrator, you still could not come up with a more uninspired show than Johnny Test.

A head of fiery...waitaminnit!

The makers actually probably thought to themselves: "What if Dexter's Labs was rule 63ed, and whatever of value of that show was traded by failed catchphrases and abhorrent stereotypes?" It really is a gender swapped scenario for Dexter, except since now that it's the boy wrecking the experiments he's the hero.

Charted!

Except that Dexter's Lab was pretty groundbreaking, smart, and funny, Johnny Test is avenging it's parent's death's at the hand of mirth.

 2) Johnny Test exist because it's funded by you

And by you, I mean you, if you're Canadian. Apparently the show is granted continued, torturous existence because it's made in Canada, where subsidies to local animation people allow it to be produced and sold cheaply to Cartoon Network. So CN can run it at any time with less risk of losing funds, and the makers are at less risk. This terrible, terrible show has a chance of outlasting well animated, fun shows like Adventure Time and Thundercats because those people had to put "effort" and "money" and "talent" into their shows, while Johnny Test can shit out 20 new "Wacky Races" ripoff episodes on the cheap. There has never been this little a need for talent over exposure since  Paris Hilton.There hasn't been this effective an outdated parody outlet since Hoodwinked. Except Hoodwinked wasn't paid for by the people of Canada.

But they payback in hate.

Here's a lesson for the kids: If you work hard and put your heart into it, you will be less sucessfull than those who don't give a fuck and put no effort in it.

1) Johnny Test has one animator:

Moar By-Boll Refrences LoL!

Here's the IMDB  Cast for Johnny Test. You will notice it has two people under "animator", and they didn't even work the same years. I wrote this list because of that. See, once I knew a single human being worked on animating this show I understood. The doors opened.

See, traditional animation, even though it's mostly now done with computers, is still a relatively painstaking process that costs money. But Canada's paying the bill on this one, so I guess we can make a higher quality on this one? Nope. Johnny Test's people decided that it doesn't matter if the characters have pointy claws for hands and move like a pop up book, as long as the show gets to CN on time.

Johnny Test animates like a bad flash porn game. Each snappy move actively defies what "animation" is. Each Background is worst than the last. But what do you want, you couldn't fill a hatchback with all the people working, and you couldn't fill a bathroom with all the people who care.

Hm-mm!

So yes, a single solitary man animates this show. And if IMDB is to be believed, since 2008 no one has actually animated it.

Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

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Don't you owe the Cranberies some money?

Yes, before Reguetton took off into uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas, It was UNDERGROUND uninventive rehashings of the same rhythms and ideas. Concepts like copyright could not deter budding up and comers like Speedy to outright riff the melody from, say, 90s classic Zombie, repurpose the lyrics into generic "let's dance and later fuck" tripe that chokes the genre up to this day, AND CASH IN. Back then you didn't need no stinkin' license to make  a "Cover" that actively ignored the subject of the original.

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Scolding Reviews- Almighty Thor

Not even Steve Carrel wanted in anymore.

Allright. I'm ready. I'm ready Asylum! You hear me, bitch! I'm ready! Motherfucker, I own  Starquest: The Oddysey!  I can take your shit!

Bravado asides, this cash in films are notorious for preying on confused grandparents and ridiculous baffling moments, but what defines this particular one is it's complete lack of direction, motivation and a bare minimum of characterization you need to forget you aren't just watching people make money  off of Marvel's hype.

The film opens to...the dread demon Loki assaulting Asgard with his magic. Hmm...straight to the point are we?

Loki and his giant...monster Chihuahuas make a joke  of the defending forces. I'm not much of an  Aesir(or comic book equivalent)guy but aren't the people in Asgard like...tough?

Then we meet our Protagonist, Thor, who hath claimed his hair from the beast Owen Wilson, his Father Odin, who not only sports awesome tattoos they couldn't be bothered to cover, but with his white beard and trident like spear,  and lack of an eyepatch, reminds me much more  of Neptune, king of the Seas. We also meet Thor's brother, who's name I didn't catch, but who's only distinguishing feature is a Stallonian facial paralysis, and since I can't make fun of that, let's move on.

Here's some guys with facial paralysis I can make fun of for other reasons.

Thor gets word of this mass murder of everyone in his kingdom deal, and heads for the fates to divine what to do. Which...is okay I guess. I think the situation might have benefited from a more... direct approach.

We're gonna save the town...right after checking my horoscope.

The fates tell them how they're all screwed and should gear up for a nice old dying...or give Loki what he wants: The Hammer of Invincibility. Which...seeing Loki's attitude so far, I don't think giving it to him might make him more reasonable.  Odin and his elder son are game to getting their clocks cleaned, but Thor says he can change his own destiny.

So they run into battle and fight, like, one or two superdawgs before Loki shows himself to Odin. Loki is...sort of a guy. By which I mean he doesn't feel like an ominous figure who should be feared. He's just a guy, going "C'me on, man. I just need the Hammer of Invincibility for a couple of hours! I promised my wife I would be finished before he weekend."

"I'm good for it! Ask Charlie!"

So Odin fights Loki in a comically poorly edited fight. But when Odin gets the upper hand, Loki starts apparently teleporting around Odin. The cuts are so terrible  it gets hard to tell. So Loki tricks  Odin into killing his own son, and then he kills Odin with a fairly non-fatal looking blow.

How does a spear that was stuck on a guy end up like that?

Thor is unconvincingly distraught that his brother and father have been murdered as they so wanted, but then Loki finds him and kicks his ass too.  But a mysterious hooded Hispanic warrioress played by the bad girl from the first two Mummy movies saves him. Isn't there a low budget "boycott Almighty Thor website"?

 The two escape and we get to to know the woman's name is...Jar Sadsack? Yah Zapzap? Jarred Salsa? I'ma stick with that last one.

Con extra Fjorn!

So Thor is all "I should get out there and keel that Lo-Ki! and Salsa is all "Jis Tu Paguerful. Iu nid more treinin!". And then she kicks his ass just to demonstrate that he can't beat Loki.

Now, I guess they took the part of the Thor trailers in which he is impulsive and tried to take a similar route, but this Thor comes  off as a useless moron who needs constant babysitting so he doesn't die.  In one baffling sequence we learn Salsa knows to fight because she was trained by Valkyries whereas Thor learned to fight because he watched his brother fight. It's clear that Thor isn't really much of an actual warrior or hero or...anything.

After an extended sequence of escape-talk-escape, they get to earth, where we learn Salsa has apparently been living and has a hideout stocked with guns and stuff. And within less than a minute on  Midgard a stock mugging scene. Even as it's cut, you can tell they really wanted a cliched woman-getting-mugged, hero-stumbles-upon-it, hero stops mugging sequence.

This "Warrior from Magic Land ends in our world" movies...

So our heroes head for the Tree of Life, where the hammer of Invincibility was hidden. But first Thor needs to defeat a knight who defends it. Just...some knight. Guarding the Tree of Life. I guess I need to read some more runes to get it.

So Thor swordfights the guy and wins. And then everything goes slomo and it rains. As much as you can and should make fun of this movies effect's, this scene is sort of beautiful. But it's pretty pointless. Having seen the other Thor, a similar rain and slomo scene occurs when Thor discovers he can't use his powers and he's humbled. That's effective. Here he just beat the last boss.

So Thor gets the hammer of invincibility. and searches for Loki. As they stare at each other face to face Thor...draws his hammer. From his long coat. Here, tell me if this makes sense.

Yes, that looks about right.

In short, despite having an weapon with the term "invincibility" appended in the name, Thor is no match for Loki and needs to be saved by Jarred Salsa yet again. You know, in most fictions, when there is a race for an item that  would prove catastrophic in the wrong hands, the good guys acquiring it pretty much ends the action. Not here. Here the bad guy is still actively seeking the item and the good guys have no use for it.

Here, Loki is about to use the "Sword of unrequested urological check"

Thor wouldn't know it, as he insists and fights Loki a third time...and a fourth time. During the fourth battle, Thor manages to take the...Bone of Errol...from Loki. Loki claims that his bone is useless to him, and Thor says he's gonna destroy it. But Loki backflips on the issue and says the bone can be used to revive Odin, then pretends to die. Thor will later claim he saw him melt, but I saw nothing of the sort. Somebody forgot to add the effect?

In either case, Salsa again she steps in and saves him from an obvious trap. Tired of just trying to walk up to Thor, Loki summons up his mutadogs again with the second usage of  his prerecorded voice saying: "Come, my Friends".

I don't know. Think of the kinds of villains that have minions, and think of one of them that refers to them as "friends". Not like, singular "my friend", but as a collective. Darth Vader, Shredder, Dr Doom. No. Maybe Magneto, but then his minions have an ideal and this dogs, until deleted footage proves otherwise, don't.

They don't seem particularly interested in friendship, either.

So an...epic battle ensues. The now infamous scene of Thor running and Shooting an Uzi at Loki ensues as well. What's more, Loki use force pull, takes the gun from  Thor and shoots him to the ground.

Also, the effects guys fail to understand what a strong force would do to a truck.

Now, when I saw the trailer, I assumed this was part of Thor being depowered. But he's shooting with guns when in his other hand he has the Hammer of Invincibility! Come on! He's only used to shoot lightening at the air! What CAN the Hammer do?

Thor again almost loses to Loki when Salsa intervenes. They try to portal away but Salsa gets pulled away by Loki. He returns to find her dead and gives her the Hammer. But she was Loki in disguise.  So Loki crucifies Salsa and Thor and sends them to hell. Sorry...Hel. Aesir, got it.

So Thor is in Hel and he's crying and there's lava and Loki's plan to destroy everything ever is about to unfold. But he hears encouraging voice over and he..grabs a bunch of lava in a clear misunderstanding of what Lava is or does. He forges it into a polished Metal hammer with his fists, which is an even more ludicrous thing than the last one. And where does he find  wood for the handle in Hel? Why is his hammer polished and the old one look like it's a paleolithic weapon?

It all comes down to a climax where both Thor and Loki fight with their respective Hammers. Thor finally wins and kills Loki and cures the Tree of Life and stops the Ragnarok and all that stuff. Then he goes to the fates, who are very cross that he defied fate itself, and he breaks their weaving equipment.

He's the master of his own fate as long as people are willing to save him.

This movie is as directionless as they come. The villain has no real reason to do things, the hero is a singleminded dolt, and everyone else is monster fodder.  They weren't even trying, which is what Asylum  does. Not try.

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