5 ways in which Cyborg will suck as bad as Steel

I don't envy you, kid. Except your charming good looks and your money and that you get to play a superhero, and you're a shoe in for an Obama Biopic.

Ah, yes, once again DC/WB had announced  a bunch of movies, and like a kid saying he'll be a rockstar one day, you have to humor the idea that, even if you know in your heart you've heard the same flights of fancy from others, who are currently flipping burgers. You just don't have the heart to tell DC it's more likely to end up sweeping floors than it is to make a Wonder Woman movie.

If I know my DC it'll be back to just Batman in no time (and occasionally Supes getting a reboot), but let's play their game. Sure, you plan to have  2 DC films a year ,yeah, whatever. Green Lantern and everything.

But most baffling of all of those is Cyborg. Dc HAS been trying to push the character to the forefront as of this last few years. He's on the new 52 Justice League, and also features in a big way on recent DVD and game based affairs.

And he was also in a pretty popular cartoon over 10 years ago. But you all knew that.

It's not the first time DC has tried to get hype for a black tech based superheroe. Years ago, shortly after Superman did his little tango with death, a character rose from the ashes of synergy. Steel. He was my favorite. When I read Steel had a movie coming out, I thought it was great. But I had THIS guy in mind.

I always wondered how he managed to move the face, though.

Instead, I ran across THIS in my local Blockbuster.

His helmet was like the movie...they both flopped.

Now, I know it was a different time, where DC movies where slightly more likely to be supershitty and slightly more likely to exist(but not too much, either). But I feel Cyborg is gonna end up being closer to Steel than it will be to The Dark Knight. It's not just because they both star a black Superhero. Buuut...

5)  A Black Superhero

No movie for you!

Well, it's not that making a movie about a black superhero is harder than anything. There's some good black superheroes out there, who just need their story told right.

 It's just that, historically, they've never been done right. But right as in "anyone would watch it, even if they didn't have some kind of ban against White People stuff".
 

Or maybe you have some counter-examples?

Sadly, Steel had to rely on being a "Black" movie, with gangbanger enemies, a chika-chicka 70s soundtrack , and an obvious blaxploitation feel. This is gonna be one of the challenges of Cyborg because...

4) The character's worth depends on other characters.

Seriously, Cyborg's not even the most interesting Titan

So let's say I'm not heavilly invested in DC comics of today. In fact, I'm not. All I know from Cyborg is what I know from the Teen Titans the cartoon(he's a cyborg and likes yelling Booyah!)

Sell me Cyborg. What are his enemies? What makes him special? What makes him likable?

I suspect Cyborg is at his peak in the Teen Titans. He's got attachments,  there, relations, stories. Just like Steel.

Steel's very origins where related to Superman. That's where he was at his most interesting. Otherwise he was just a black Ironman.

Which is one of the things where the movie goes wrong. Shaquille O'neil as a low ass budget Tony Stark? Come on!

Again, Cy-Hards, let me know if Cyborg has some great villains and stories waiting to be  brought to screen. Otherwise, he, too might just end up saving the 'hood from a gun dealer operating out of  an arcade.

3) The Tone is compromised

Not even Michael Jordan could have saved this tripe.

Steel the movie could never be like Steel the comic. No way with a budget like it had. The changes to it's source are mostly traceable to "not enough money." Even if it had had intentions of being the best possible movie starring the (other) Man of Steel...money wasn't enough for Flying.

Cyborg faces similar problems, but money's no object this time. For you see, Cyborg is being set up in next year's Batman V Superman.

For the record, here's Smallville's low budget Cyborg.

Whatever they're gonna do in 2020 depends heavilly on what the character is set up as in Batman vs Superman and in the Justice League movie. If that movie has Cyborg as a wise ass clown, or boring and generic the solo movie's director won't be able to turn him into the next Wolverine.

And what exactly will be set up, with Wonder Woman, The Suicide Squad, and Flash and Aquaman all also being set up? Is it like when they set up Hawkeye is a human who shoots arrows in Thor?

2) DC is bad at cinematic universe building, Solo movies.

"In my planet, liking fried chicken is totally a white people stereotype."

DC's terrible record at making movies that aren't Batman and Superman is well earned. But a large part of that comes from spinning of secondary and tertiary characters into their own movies. Because as long as we're not leaving our comfort zones(Gotham and Metropolis), we might as well dredge up some of the unexplored characters from there.

This is how we ended up with Catwoman, Supergirl, and yes, Steel.  All these characters suffer from #4, and their movies are a testimony to that.

It might take some universe building, Marvel style, to get people into  Cyborg. Or rather, the opposite of Marvel: try to use a team up to promote a single character. Their attempts to initiate a united universe have gone straight to hell so far, unless the Justice League movie they have coming up is called Justice League : Mortal and The Suicide Squad's Amanda Waller is played by Angela Basset.

If you're a betting man right now, money's good on them screwing up  something that's both of the things they can't  ever do right.

1) You can't do the Marvel, DC

We don't roll our eyes when Marvel announces their Captain Marvel movie, DC.

Franchises everywhere want in on the Marvel thing, from Universal Monsters to Robin Hood. As always, Hollywood studio heads completely misunderstand the very basics of what makes something a success.

Marvel's first couple of movies only had little hints at a larger universe. They also happened to be mostly good-to-great  movies about characters  who where not as popular as the X-MENs and Spider-Mans of the world.

A Mediocre Batman movie is already a half won battle. Millions of people in the world who only know what movies say through Subtitles, millions who'd never Wiki-binge the Dc pages or pick up a comic, know Batman and are willing to give him money.

Getting people to shell out a Bunch of money for Guardians of the Galaxy takes something WB  didn't sure as hell put into Jonah Hex.

WB didn't put any heart into Steel. If they successfully put as much heart into Cyborg  as much as they did Steel, and history so far says that's likely, then obviously it's poised to be the next Steel.

If it ever gets off the ground, that is. If you can actually go through with a plan to make a movie in 5 years, I'll eat my hat. That I'll have in 5 years

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L.I.E.S. The DC movie schedule revealed!

Hello, you Gullible Gents and Overly trusty Dames. It's been a while since I've told you  Leaked In Early Secrets.  The truth is, I've been away on a self imposed exhile. I don't want to go too much into it, but I'll just say sometimes you get challenged to a fight to the death and you do it, but death fights are no fun. People could die on those. In fact, usually when no one dies, things went wrong.

"Let no bad happen" indeed.

So you may have heard some dame say that she got the list of movies DC's planning on making for the next few years. If you believe DC's going to have 3 movies a year, then I'll show you a green dog or 2.

That's not the REAL DC schedule! Let Uncle Batzarro show you how it's done, baby.I snuck into Warner's board room, disguised as a maid.  They didn't know they don't have any retro style maids, so it was easy.

In there, I overheard their true plan, spoken with the kind of confidence that gave us Teen Titans, Greem Arrow in Superjail, Metal Men, Flash and Justice League Mortal as news to chew, rather than as movies to watch.


2015

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

I can't stop poking fun at this title.

(BAAt)man (They haven't written it or anything, but they thought that the idea of having a name that is also the logo, even if the name is screwed, was good enough to greenlight.)

Speedy (They actually mean Kid Flash/Impulse, but nobody corrected them that Speedy is Green Arrow's sidekick)

2016

The Wall ( They figured since Maleficent did mint at the box office, they'd get on that "gritty origin story about a woman" thing with Amanda Waller. In this version Amanda Waller begins as a member of a troubled teen help line called Anti-Suicide Squad, but then she somehow turns it into a paramilitary group)

Lobo (I've put this down at Lobo, but they kept refferung to him as "the guy with the claws" and asking if Hugh Jackman was available.)

"This guy. right?"

Justice League

2017

2Man 2Steel( Tyrese is in the shortlist to play Steel)

Not-Wonder Woman (I don;t know which Superheroine they meant, they kept saying "the other one" and "the really popular one" but every time someone said Wonder Woman they'd say no.)

"I'm pretty sure we've been selling clittoris necklaces on Hot Topic for awhile."

Blue Beetle/Red Tornado (They don't know if this is a good teamup, it was chosen with Dice and crayons.)

2018

Batman's Back (There's no story, just the idea to show Batman from behind in the posters)

Batman's Back in action

Captain Planet ("They've got Captain America, but Captain Planet will be huge overseas.")

Shazam v Sandman: The Revenge of Spider Jerusalem (  They envision it as a huge middle eastern adventure, which they assume would have to involve  Sandman and Spider Jerusalem by default. Spider Jerusalem in this is a huge spider.)

Batman v Santa Clause: Dawn of Jingles (For need of a holiday movie)

2019
Batman: Days of Future Bat (This one is a time traveling crossover betwen Burton Batman and Nolan Batman.)

Wonder Woman (After 2 hours they gave up on guessing who the other really popular heroine they own is.)

Justice League Mortal ("We have to reboot the Justice League franchise sometime, right?)

How you like me now, punks?

So there you go. The truth, only the truth and nothing but  L.I.E.S.! Batzarro: OUT! (Turns into a raven, flies away.

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Some Characters with the same name (that coudn't be more different)

One of this guys is asking you to be prepared for a coup. The other is asking you to be prepared to put hair on your horns.

Names are fun. I have proven this several times, when I discussed bad names in games twice. But even good names are fun. Sometimes a name is too good to pass up, and more than one person will name something the same. The disparity between the names is what makes the fun. Observe!
 and remember: don't get them confused!

Ultraman

Ultraman is a henshin Superhero in Japan. Capable of growing as high as a skyscraper, his main disadvantage is he can only do so for a limited time.

Ultraman and an enemy debate the quality of Tokyo's streets.

Ultraman is also an evil Superman from another, eviler dimension. He has the same powers as Superman. His only disadvantage is that every other evil Superman has something going for him but him.

Arrowman! Man of Arrows!

Dude at least put on a goatee or something.

Phantom Lady

Phantom Lady is a public domain heroine DC thought it bought, so you can't use her if you haven't the cojones and lawyers to fight them.The daughter of a Senator, she used a sciencey doohickey to blind people and become invisible.

"I thought we'd talked about this, floating device!"

Phantom Lady is also a character on the anime series Angel Blade. The leader of a gang of rapey female mutants, she uses her cartoonishley large breasts to smear milk on most everyone. Oh, forgot to say: This is a porn anime.

I wonder if the Comics Authority would have allowed her self-weaning antics?

DC...you don't have the best one of these.



Catman

Catman is a  a Batman villain so bad he once joined a team of villains who felt they wheren't high profile enought. While this "we dont get punched enought by Batman" mentality seems counterintuitive, it is and  Catman sucks.

I sleep all day and scratch your shoes...evilly!

Catman is also a golden age hero who was raised by a tigress,Tarzan style. And then he got to America and dressed like a cat and punched criminals and had a teen girl sidekick. It a natural segue.

Enter: THE BELLY SCRATCHER!

Both are orange. Tabbies aren't scary, damn you!

Scarecrow.

Scarecrow is a villain from batman, known  for using fear inducing gas on his victim.

Dr Malnitrition was his discarded villain name/theme.

Bus scarecrow is also a villain from Ghost Rider who is known for not being as cool as the other scarecrow. He's a contortionist who can feeds on the fears of men and crows. Scaring crows is actually one of his powers!

"What the...did you just eat my seeds of evil? Aww...man! My dark harvest is RUINED!"

But here comes a new challenger: there is a public domain Scarecrow as well. He outmundanes them all.

Nazi. No powers. Whip and gun. Boooaring!

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DC's Plain Ketchup

Dollar! The ALL-MIGHTY!

I hate to say I told you so. Wait, no. Love. I love to say it.

So, my good DC fans, I told you so. We debated for 5 years whether a Justice League film was better if built up by individual movies. Sure, the matter is mostly out of our controls. But did not a wiseman say all is in vain?

You guys said a Justice League movie bombing could kill the chances of solo films. So how did that go? Did you enjoy your Jonah Hex and Green Lantern solo films not leading into a single film? Where the theoretical solo films in jeopardy if it bombed? You know the answer to this one.

I told you so. I told if anything had a chance at existance at Dc it was a single strong solo film. I told you if the movies had not existed yet, it was reasonable not to expect them in the future.

Now WB  has suddenly stumbled out of bed, slobber rolling out the mouth.  "Whu..., a Billion dollars? I NEVER expected a well done and marketed movie with popular characters to make money! Do we have some of those characters?"

Oh, please pretend this recent slew of announcements isnt related to Marvel and Joss Whedons excellent Avengers. It's something that they started writting a while ago, they say. THING IS, at this point after the initial cancellation of Justice League : Mortal, there have been so many movies in writting phase its obvious it isnt a problem with capacity, but desire. WB doesn't need to have it's own Avengers. Did the Dark Knight not make them  a bunchload of cash?

I knew this baby would come in handy someday.

You guys got what you wanted, but lost what you had.I did tell you so.

So WB is calling me toos. Hell, I wanted to cash in on Avengers too. Whats the plan? Well, they'll fast track a movie with Lobo starring the The Rock. Then Shazam, also starring The Rock probably. That one won't happen.

At least we'll always have the rage...(snif)

A Wonder Woman movie script will join the pile. Flash might get made. Then Avengers 2 will come out, and once again industrial amounts of wishful thinking will fall out of WB regarding Justice League. And we get to do this all over again.

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What WB should be looking for in a Lois Lane

So...damn...insecure...

Rumor has it the studio who recently chose guy-that-a-lot-of-people-wanted-for-Superman as Superman is circling around a Lois Lane. And if the rumor is true, they are very lost. The Twilight Chick? Jessica Biel? Someone from Glee?

She's as surprised as you are.

I have some opinion's on the matter. But let's make it fun: rather than tell you which actress should play her, I'll tell you what qualities that actress should have, as well as  who qualifies in that category.

5)Some roughness in the face area

Unlike Spider-Man's Mary Jane, Lois Lane is not a renown beauty. She's kind of average physically with a strong personality. She needs to be a tough journalist, not a lost babe in the woods. Babyfaced actresses like the last Lois don't work as well as  less obvious beauties Margot Kidder and Erica Durance.

Example:

Famke Jansen, of X-Men fame. Now, Famke may be a little old for the role(and probably still reminds people of X3), but she's got the right kind of face.

More after the jump

4)Can go over the top.

If the movie's moving away from Return's  almost-a-chick-flic-but-totally-a-homage-to- the-old-Movie, it's only fair Lois's characterization be more manic. We need an actor's actress, who can show people up through sheer personality. This is  the woman who asks the tough questions that get other people dropped off.  windows. She should be able to make people laugh every once in a while, too. She's not a total bitch, you know?

Example

Cameron Diaz, man.  She can  play funny, manic characters, yet give intensity to slightly more serious ones.

3)Should be sexy, but not a pornstar.

I already said Lois isn't exactly a world class beauty. However, there should be some appeal to her. I'm not shooting Judi Dench appeal, here.  However it should be a more subtle appeal. A woman that exudes sexyness even fully clothed.

Example:

Kate Beckinsale

2) A woman of action

Lois is NOT, as her reputation might lead us to believe, a damsel in distress. Well, she could be, but she shouldn't be. In a way, I like to think of her as a person who tries to do what Superman does(right the wrongs) but is limited by the inabilities to punch things into the sun. But she's still got the guts to try. So she shouldn't just be yelling "HEEEEEELP MEEE SUPERMAAAAAAN!" She should kick a little butt, too.

Example:

 As much as you probably like Jolie more than me, she's got the action woman thing down pat.

1)An unexpected choice

You just choose the guy half of the Superherohype boards are sure should play Supes. How do you follow that up? Simple. Throw a curveball. Pick a Lois no one thinks you'd choose. And I don't mean Kirsten Stewart, either. A surprise choice that rounds out all that stuff I previously mention.

Example:

Rosario Dawson.

Just sayin'...

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