Michael Bay makes true on dumb jokes again, gets Megan Fox Ninja Turtles role

So it turns out Michael Benjamin Bay has welcomed back Megan Fox for the Ninja Turtles movie he'stotally just a producer for, a move I would not have made a joke about because it  would have seemed too stupid.

Megan Fox, known for her role of "Mikaela", on the Transformer's movies, and being booted of those movies for comparing her director to  Hitler (Well, they both caused a lot of explosions and battles that could hardly be seen, okay?), is probably the least important she's been ever since "Jennifer's Body" tanked, and yet here she is, probably playing April O'Neil. Because really, what else is she gonna play, Krang?   During the inexplicable height of her fame (I mean, she's a model who got hired for a huge blockbuster. When did that equal "sexiest woman in the world?") I might have understood she getting again cast as the main female lead to an 80's cartoon franchise reboot as anything other than a barb on Bay's vocal detractors. But otherwise, it's a realization of the exact  jab those fans would have done. That Bay had to transcend a personal feud, and the fact that Megan Fox is just about out of the limelight only points out to what we've known all along.

Michael Bay hates nerds.

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RE: the Hungry Hungry Hippos movie

Seriously, if Robin WIlliams hasn't been yet cast, it is a matter of time.

  This is an open letter to the employee or employees of Emmet/ Furla/Hasbro who thought it was a sound idea to make a Hungry Hungry Hippos movie.  

Perhaps you are surprised. You might be wondering why people are shocked. Didn't we all love Hungry Hungry Hippos? Didnt we all play it as kids? Doesn't that mean we'd all watch a Hungry Hungry Hippos animated film by default?

Did you not see the result of this line of thinking with Battleship? In case you didn't, here is a less apt metaphor: you know most people in the western world are familiar with? Toasters. Whoever hasn't owned has has at least seen one on TV. Do you think that's a built in audience? Do you think if you announce a movie about toasters it  will bring all toaster enthusiasts?

Can we keep the Christ Parallels to a minimum, please?

And yes, there was an animated film about a toaster and it did generate some revenue. But it wasn't because people thought toasters are cool.The fallacious thinking that just because people are aware of the name of something they will see it, and that the movie will drive sales of the toys was,in fact, questioned earlier when  it was revealed Transformers: Dancing in the Dark was revealed to have not sold as many toys as they expected. And the TF brand has a pretty strong market penetration, too. Perhaps this was because Transformers falied to produce enought "Sprint action Sam Witwickeys" and "Penis Joke soundchip Ken Jeong". You can't sell kids the the character without SELLING kids the character.That's how Transformers cartoons worked. It sold ALL the characters, not just 2.

So Hippos: it will probably land between decent and mediocre which, lets face it, is pretty good when you consider the source material is THIS HIPPOS ARE HUNGRY, THEY EAT A LOT.  So what's our problem? It's not like you can "ruin" Hippos with anything other than not making them Hippos or Hungry. It could be a depressing gritty noir tale of absolution and It'd still be accurate if the lead character is called "John Hippo" and had at last one scene in front of an all you can eat buffet.

The problem is that the idea of a Hungry Hungry Hippos  movie has been a joke in the same way you might say putting 1000 monkeys in front of a 1000 typewriters can create a masterpiece. We're watching you send off for the shipment of typewriters and monkey ownership permits, fully expecting the 21rst century King Lear, apparently unaware as everyone who knew this wasn't a litteral expression . Can this end anything but badly?

But worstly...you are killing the parody industry. Dude, how are we supposed to mock Hollywood's tendency for adapting plotless toys and games if youkeep doing the very ideas we are mocking? Hippos was probably the last good ridiculous movie-idea joke. Are you gonna make Tetris and Chutes and Ladder And Pacman,  too? What are gonna have to do? "Pencil" the movie?  You are setting the bar of mockability unreasonably high. And that's before your movie gets trampled by a less ridiculous toy adaptation.

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6 Videogame movies that didn't live to be bad

Not how animation is directed.

Folks, the track record of videogame adaptations is a subject we're all painfully aware off. But making a movie isn't easy. It takes money, which you get on loan from movie execs who want to make their money, too, and  if they give you the cash, they want to make sure you do it "right". Right is...something they aren't often good as.

Like in the Movies! Remember that? No? Only me, huh? How about Freedom Force?

Due to this nature of the film industry, many planned films never get made, even if rights to  franchise are acquired, or if actors are attached to contracts or if a film is already half made. A movie has to clear technical hurdles, budget issues, scheduling issues, and simple petty behavior from above before they can get to the silver screens as it is more practical to cancel a movie than to try and fix it as it goes. Video Game movies are not exempt from this, which you might disagree with when you see drek like Bloodrayne 3 sneak itself on unsuspecting ...are there still videostores? Regardless, here are some  videogame movies that never existed, so we can't know how much they sucked.

Fear Effect

A magazine!  Wow, this was a long time ago.

This game  series  was known for titillating "Mature" content, cardio based health system and because it had an early version of the Mass Effect options, if only to open your towel.

Wow! Shake those polygons!

However, shadow-over-the-land Uwe Boll got the rights to Fear Effect  with the promise of getting the rights to Hitman if he bought the first. However, he dropped the film when the promise of rights to Hitman never  materialized.  Which is for the best, because if a franchise isn't good enough to unload on The Boll, I don't want to see what mangled remain of a film he would have made.



Duke Nukem

Tits-reference-tits

Back in 2001, before Duke Nukem made jokes instead of being one,  someone actually got the rights to do a movie based on the square jawed enemy of Captain Planet ersatz action hero setting it in a PG 13 range.

However, unlike the game, we know better than to expect the product to be released over a decade later. during the 10 years that ensued, they probably lost the rights .  Your best for a Duke Nukem film is just to watch They Live, Evil Dead, and Fifth Element while huffing paint. Don't worry, you'll come up with Duke Nukem eventually.


Perfect Dark

Out of the way! Trying to read the title, here!

It is true: the game adaptation of N64 and Xbox spy series  was underway many gears ago, when the rights where acquired. However, not much was heard since from the cinematical adventures of Joanna Dark. Isn't  it weird how videogames have that many more female leads than movies?


Soul Calibur

Heh. I guess my photoshop skills WHERE bad.

The cancelled Soul Calibur film that was supposed to be  released a couple of years ago never resurfaced. Rumors of a plot involving twins fighting against an evil prince and also of the movie starring  Isabella "Ivy" Valentine alias "Growing Up Ivy".

Personally, as much as I would relish some Samurai vs Knight action, I wonder  how much of a stretch it is to find a guy who can do it proper. If they can't do Tekken right, I don't think they should touch Soul Calibur.

Metal Gear

Well, did you snake or not?

The stealth game/cutscene  delivery system is known for it's cinematic flair, so it's not surprising they eventually tried to work it into a movie. But Snake's voice David Hayter, who worked on the script confirmed the movie got stuck on the way.  Which... well, he wrote this too, so maybe it's better if he don't.

Call of Duty: 3 Bar combat

Call of Duty
Defying all  logic, Activision filed a trademark which sparked rumors of a Call of Duty movie. Which...really? Are you so desperate to have name recognition that you need to name your  war movies after games.  Thankfully, this dreadful idea has been MIA for quite some time.

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