Annotated Lyrics to The Ruber Song

Power!

Kids, if you are anything like I was when I was young, you've considered  working in animation. Here's a tip for all you aspiring animators: There's no deleted scenes in animation. You plan and plan and plan and then do. Improvisation costs far too much money, and any and all choices must be made before spending thousands inking leaves no one will ever see, or animating that Gay horse that's gonna get shot down by execs. What happens if you don't? Quest for Camelot is what happens.

You see, after the film had already basically been done, Warner Brothers decided it wasn't quite Disney enough. They scrambled to add songs, and edited the film to shit and really pissed off Celine Dione. And the Ruber song was born as song by Gary Oldman. Let my annotations say all that must be said about it's lyrics. If you must sing along...

Let's go back to War and Violence(Did I mention Ruber is the bad guy?)

I'm so bored with peace...and...SILENCE! (He's a regular Fender, that Ruber.)

Nights of evil, filled with fear (I think we get it, now, Rubs, baby.)

Your worst fear that's my i-dear of fun!(I don't want to mess with languages that aren't mine, but is there a rule to ending  EA words with an R in England? And should you really rhyme  a word that actually ends with R with one that is only pronounced as such?)

(talky bits)

Let darkness find it's sad ways. (But I thought YOU were gonna help darkness! You really are an asshole!)

Let's go back to the good old bad days.(The all or nothing days?)

No more foolish acts of kind-ness! (The Salvation Army killed his parents.)

Arrthurr and his kingdom...will be mine!(Okay. Wha...I thought this was all about bringing the darkness?)

(more talky bits)

Years from now, no one will bothar!

To recall yor good king Otharr!(And everyone will remember King Ruber the Crosseyed!)

Because all of this...will be mine!(Booo! Sell oout!)

THIS...WILL ALL...BE MINE!

I have a plan, it includes you!(You're gonna tell her, aren't you?)

You, Juliana will lead me to

Camelot! Where I will claim all that is miiiiine!( I lent Lancelot my lawnmower, and he's not takin gmy caaaaaalls!)

On the back of your wagons, my men will all hide!

You'll sit upfront, as the gates open wiiide!(This last two things could easilly be veiled threats of rape. Still, it's a good plan)

Now WATCH ME CREATE! MY MECHANYCAL AHMY! With priiiiiide! (WTF?)

With this potion! I got from some witches!(Some witches, you know. Not dropping any names or explaining why they gave this powerful potion to the biggest jerk in the world)

A drop on this chicken, and watch as it switches

Into a weapon I can use at will!(And when I drop it in my cock, it turns hard as metal too!)

Now this chicken! Can kill!(Bladebeak stats by movie's end: 0 kills, 3 defeats, 1 victory.)

Tadaaa! Behold! Blade-beak!(Ok, creative naming class is now closed.)

Hurry up and enter quickly! As I transform the meek and sickly! Into ironmen! With hands of steel!(But obviously not Ironmen(tm Marvel Comics) with hands of Steel(tm DC comics))

(Ruber continues to babble incoherently like a madman for a while, hile  his retarded henchmen jump into the pool of bodychangium they sing a Choir)

Bring on the darkness, bring on the gloom. (we like what he was singing early more! About the darkness and stuff)

We are the army of death and gloom.(So...you're gonna bring it, or do I?)

(Ruber again)

Only one will be revered! 

Hated, worshiped, loved and feared.("And army of death and gloom" tested badly with  focus groups)

I just want to say a few words: I, Me, MINE!

You were mistaken if you believed! Ruber was someone who'd crumble and leave! Well now I'm back! And I will be staying this timne!

I told tyou once!

I told ya twice!

Everything you see before you

Every last bit oof it!

Will! BE! MMIIIIiiiiine!

(Evil Laguhter)

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Love Letter: Fender

Dude, can you even see?

You know, there's a lot of love for a villain out there that's smart and multidimensional. The schemer, the manipulator, the idealist. The kind of guy you know is only a casting choice away from being a hero. However, straight evil guys, guys who just live on strife, can easily be just as or more fun than those. One such is the first entry into my new series Love Letter, where I gush about the things I like.

The movie Cyborg has a bit of a cult following. Originally an attempt at a sequel to the live action Masters of the Universe movie AND Spider-Man, somehow, Cyborg is one of Jean Claude Van Damme's team up movies that had him teaming up with a cyborg woman in a post apocalyptic scenario before he teamed up with a gay rights icon, videogame characters, or Jean Claude Van Damme. But really, it's the film's villain, Fender that takes the cake.

Then he sets the cake on fire.

Fender Tremolo, as played by surfer Vincent Klyn, is the leader of a gang of marauders that terrorize whoever they can find, apparently for shits and giggles. A tall guy in chainmail and big 80s glasses to hide his freaky eyes,he is as primal and basic as villains come.

The movie by describing the events that lead to the world being thrown back to pretty much the middle ages, and the efforts of some scientists to fix it, and then the narrator turns out to be Fender, who declares he really that he likes the world in it's current state. By screaming. Subverting the narration? My God!

It's clear Fender, like myself, sees the apocalypse as a chance for rapid social ascension by way of "everyone who could have stopped me is dead." When he's not killing people by sticking sharp objects in their mouths, he's searching for Pearl, the titular Cyborg who has the cure for the plague. This drives her to seek the help of Jean Claude Van Damme, who in this movie is a mercenary and protector to those who can pay.

Of course, JCVD has his own past history with Fender, which he recalls as he's crucified by the guy. Back when he was a young, optimist mercenary in the...it's still post apocalypse, I think...Fender put him, his  child and his wife aloft over a well, forcing  Van Damme's other kid to try and save them by HOLDING A BARB WIRE.

Spoiler Alert: Character's who's last name isn't Van Damme die in this scene.

See, Fender isn't just a power hungry madman. He's worst, a sadist. A man who, as they say in my country, will shoot you just to see you jump. The kind of man who knows no remorse or redemption. He's the result of a world with no laws: where you just know some random asshole is gonna try and push everyone until they fall or push back.

The kind of guy you don't want staring at you while you sleep.

But in the end, Fender's just a man, right? When it comes to the movies physical resolution of the conflict, It's easy to remember who's name is atop the poster, and lose that suspension of disbelief. How can some dumb ass leader of a gang defeat the Muscles from Brussels, a trained superfighter who can do the splits on a whim?

Here's how: Fender is immune to pain.

When I was a kid, this scene scared the hell out of me.  I thought Fender really was a cyborg all along. Even thought it just occurred to me he was shown as a young man earlier. Van Damme fuckin' punches the guy, and it's like he's got a button on his face that says: "Primal Scream action Fender!Try me! !" It's never really explained, but I subscribe to the theory of strength by madness. See, unlike certain other people, Van Damme, or at least the makers of this movie understood that if the good guy isn't threatened, the whole thing falls flat.

This is the kind of stuff we want heroes to stop.

And in the end, we feel all the more happier when Van Damme defeats Fender and reunites with his estranged daughter.  Fender really did make this movie. With a story of redemption, revenge, and other played out elements like this, you really need something to make a film above average. Fender may not be the most layered, or innovative villain out there, but he plays it up to eleven and that's why we love him.

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Why Wonder Woman can can be good and you can like her for it part 2! A call to villainy!

Prepare for Trouble!

Another common complaint is that Wonder Woman's enemies are lame and therefore she has nothing to go on in an adaptation. Which is a bit of a peeve for me.

Look, not every property out there getting adapted is full of iconic, fully fledged villains. Hell, some of the stuff adapted in the form of rogue vectors, or seditious pixels. While that's an extreme, you'lll notice those things do not stop those things from getting adapted. My opinion is, if you're adapting something stupid, you have nowhere to go but up. It's YOUR job to make it work.

So if Wonder Woman's enemies are laughable because one of them is a racist caricature slapped on a giant egg, and that's the villain you have to go with for some reason, you still should make the material engaging through writing, acting, directing, etc.

So I will put forth  Wonder Woman's villains and explain how they could be used in the movie. I'm giving this to you for free, W.B., because I'm charitable when it comes to things crawling out of my head.

But, that's your leg-stump! That hurts!

The Cheetah:
There are 4 versions of the Cheetah. Rich Bitch. Nephew of Rich Bitch. Furry bitch. And Furry dude bitch.
While The Cheetah is Wonder Woman's most iconic villain, having a villain who is essentially all physical threat is troubling when your heroine is mostly a powerhouse.  If given the choice, I would go with Priscilla Rich, the first Cheetah: A woman of wealth suffering from double identity issues.  You can play an aspect of the story where she's Wonder Woman's friend sincerely, but the other side of her, the darker side, hates her. The Cheetah is secretly orchestrating the events of the movie behind the scenes, but Priscilla Rich is Wonder Woman or Diana's personal friend. And it all comes to a head  in the climax where Wonder Woman learns her friend all along was the bad guy.

I'm like a bird: I always fly away!

The Silver Swan: There have been 3 Silver Swans, though sadly only 1 Blue Snowman. The least stupid ones, are women who are offered a chance at not being ugly in exchange for killing Wonder Woman, adopting the persona of Silver Swan, who can  fly and shoot hurtfull music like Limp Bizkit strapped to a jetplane.

Swan would be visually cool, especially if Wonder Woman is the flightier, stronger type.

That armor is metal, and I don't mean the alloy it's made of.

Ares: Ares the God of War...hmm...On one hand, i already explained how much I didn't want  it to become a Greek Mythology movie with Wonder Woman in it. On the other hand, Ares presents something interesting that actually ties in with one of the important themes of the character: Wonder Woman is on a mission of bringing peace to the world. However she is essentially a warrior, and must engage in violence at a moments notice. Ares is the God of War, and he grows stronger the more furious and angry people in the world are. It would probably lend itself to an interesting ending, where you have to defeat the villain, but the angrier you are, the stronger he is, and our heroine has to pull a  "clear your mind" moment.

Grooooow, MY MONSTER, GROOOOW

Giganta: I don't know what Giganta is up to this days (actually, I do and it's stupid), but Giganta, a woman who can gro the size of a building, seems a bit like a physical only threat. But, boy oh, boy, what a threat that is. As much as I get angry at the idea of a whole film being given to Doomsday, I could see it being given to Giganta, because at least you gotta wonder how Wonder Woman will get out of it.

Is she really disfigured if she has no figure anymore?

Dr Cyber: Dr Cyber seems custom made to be a top villainess: Scary yellow Dr Doomish Mask, cloak and cape, big criminal organization with countless goons to punch, and plenty of technobabble.  You get an actress with graavitas to voice, and it sells itself,really.

Veronica Cale: No. NO! Yeah, I know, you like it because you don't have to put money into creativity of creating costumes and amazing special effects. Just Lex Luthor with a vagina. Fuck that. Fuck it! Put villains in this, this shit isn't Catwoman! You want people to like it, don't put villains that are just people.

Bullshit. I see at least TWO sissies!

Villany Inc: While you would have to go against my previous suggestion of an origin story, starting with Villainy Inc, a Legion of Doom solely devoted to taking Wonder Woman down a peg, is, would allow you to use all those villains that aren't good enough to have the movie for themselves. Maybe you have a leader, who is like, the actual antagonist, and the others are sort of less important.All you need to know is The Blue Snowman, CyborgGirl, and others such hate Wonder Woman and want to take her down, while the leader is playing them all for chumpstresses.

The problem is, if you jump in  at a point of the story where a Super villain team up makes sense, you are already selling a superhero world to the audience. Again, why I suggested to start at the beginning. Then again, I also suggested making an Anime.


These are just the ones I think potential. Like I said, maybe you can put a shitload of characterization on Eviless and make her like, really cool.

(Part 1)

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