Yahoo News Adventures: Frozen with FEAR!

Keep raising awareness, YN.

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Love Letter: Create-a-Character

This love letter is dedicated, not to  some character I like, but to a character I could like. That's right, I'm here to sing the praises of custom character making.

If you came from my Youtube, I don't need to tell you I love creating my own characters for games. But what you don't know is that I was at it since earlier than 2005.

My first real experience with custom characters was in WWF War Zone for the Nintendo 64. I actually did a short term trade with a friend for it, and I loved the custom character option. It was the only reason I rented Deadly Arts, though that was a massive disappointment.

It's not the size of the head on the dog, it's the size of the fight in the  tanktop of the dog.

By the time I  had a Dreamcast, I had decided the fearure was enough to justify a purchase, and bought WWF Attitude. I spent hours creating Characters from movies, comics, women that looked naked. It's silly, I can create a character on paper, but as much as I love Create a characters, I always end up creating characters from other stuff. I just sorta see the potential for them.

What?

Finally, in 2k5, I bought Mortal Kombat: Armageddon. I began creating vids of my Created characters and uploading them through university computers. I actually planned several original characters, but I dropped that. Never could get them.

Hey, we need new Valises eventually!

Sure, sometimes custom characters feel like they don't belong there. But It's all in good fun. I haven't done a good amount of custom character-ing in a while, but hopefully  eventually, the stars will align and I'll make some more!

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New Dead or Alive game announced, breasts hinted at.

A new game in the Dead or Alive series was  unveiled earlier, and I couldn't be happier. Tecmo-Koei has been playing it pretty close to the chest, but it's evident this new game is gonna be a funbag.

Dead or Alive 5 is still early, so hopefully development doesn't go tits up. Thank you, Joystiq, for keeping me abreast of the situation. Hopefully Tecmo-Koei won't just milk the name, and have a game that's a loaded chest of options. I might just bounce back into the franchise if it's more than a nip and a tuck.

A teaser, featuring Ninja bros Hayate and Hayabusa, featured  their classic chopping, flipping, and air-supplexing.  And a teaser poster features the bust of a sweaty unknown  woman with the legend, "I'm a fighter".

You know it's an early DOA game when none of the women are there to be shown, yet.

If mammary serves right, the series has been under new management ever since Tomonobu Itagaki abandoned Tecmo, including a game for the DS and a not-really a game for PSP. Whether  this new numbered entry in this series will cause a cleavage of the fanbase, or if fit will have support  is anyone's guess. We await further from Tetmo.

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Out for Puppies!

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...And the horse you rode in....

It was inevitable...

Working in the irony mines isn't all fun and games. There's a lot of stuff that just passes you by. Like I WANTED to watch Heroes,  but I never got around to it. I'm sort of a general geek, but I never got around to getting into Harry Potter, or Fringe, or Battlestar. And I can't blame it on poorness. I COULD just stream it.

Yet there is one show that came so highly recommended, I  had to overcome a lifelong bias against the franchise.

You see, I'm not a stranger to girly things. I used to watch Skydancers all the time. And I always pick female characters in fighting games. I have fanart of Wordgirl, for fuck's sake. But I just can't get into this "My Little Pony" Business.

See, when  I was young, my Mom  bought me and my Brother  each a one of them ponies. They weren't nearly as stylized as they are now, though. But my father, worried about this stunting our development, took them away.

I think mine was blue, though...

I went on to do many "gay" things I'm saving for their own  series, and grew secure enough on my manliness to wear a T-Shirt with Mandy on it to work. No dice on the ponies though. That franchise was tainted for me.

I'm available, ladies...

But, more than that, I don't need to prove anything. If you guys are recommending me a show with ponies on it, it needs to be more than just good. It needs to knock my fuckin' socks off.  Just because Rob Bricken and Chris Sims like it doesn't mean I have to like it.

So I finally caved in, and watched the first ten  adventures of Twilight Sparkles, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash and the Retard* in the hopes of finding out what the fuzz was about.

And you know what, fuck you guys for being so insecure. It's just an average show!  The pastel artwork is nice, the voices  are good, Cree Summer is good, the writting is good. It's just a decent show for girls that's sort of tolerable for boys. Is that all? And here I thought you guys where adopting nicknames and  stuff for something that's actually really great. Like, they barely fight at all!
 
How pathetic do you guys get? Lording over us that you like  a sorta-good show that happens to be geared towards girls? Why don't you tell people you like something you really shouldn't like, like "A Serbian Film" or "Johnny Test"? Hey, you guys, I like Fefe Dobson! Woooooooo!

So that's it. I am not a bronie, or Brawnie or whatever. I'm not gonna be doing any fanart for this one. I'm just gonna finish all the current episodes, for research. And then go back to stuff where people shoot lasers from their eyes and missiles from their forearms.

*I'm sorry, Pinkie Pie. I know you're actually misunderstood.  I love you. Not as much as Applejack, though.And Cree Summer doesn't voice you so... Wha...Hey, buddy, article's over!

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Horrendous Theory: The Sith's Inside Man

Beeb-Boop Beep Satan...I mean Beep!

There's been a lot of Star Wars talk lately. And it always comes back to how poorly plotted those damn prequels where. How come one guy who can feel waves of the force can be so dumb as to not feel the evil in the evilest guy in the galaxy sitting across the room? How can  the villain's  plan be this all encompassing and yet this detailed, this informed?

I may have the  answer for that last one. The Emperor has an throughout the prequels that relayed information to him. And he was there almost the entire way. R2D2.

Dun-Dun DA!

R2D2 first enters the plot of the movies as a repair droid who served on Naboo's royal air force, which is stationed pretty much in the Castle. This is a perfect position to send inside information about Naboo to the emperor, who could then give it to the Trade Federation.

When our heroes escape t through the blockade, he is one of several droids who have to repair the shield generators. The others get  destroyed in eerily accurate fashion for being in a  spaceship moving real fast against a mothership shooting directly at it. If videogames have taught me something is that shooting something is at it's easiest when it's heading towards you. So R2 "fixes" the problem, by hooking up two cables together and they get to Tattoine, but not before he gets access to the Queen, and he can just hang tight and listen to all the secret Throne Room gossip.

He Watches...From the Shadows...

This is where it gets a bit complex. Quigon Jinn, who is already not the sharpest knife in the drawer, starts getting himself involved in a bid to fix the ship in order for it to get to  Coruscant, by getting a part from a shady scrap dealer, and somehow decides to  acquire a young boy. Keep in mind, Quigon is the only person who agrees with taking the boy. Everyone else feels it is a bad idea.  Obiwan thinks he's another  mouth on the  mission, The Jedi Council feel great danger, the audiences hate him. The only ones who feel  he should be there are Quigon Jinn and George Lucas.  And what do you know, first step down the ship it's R2d2, following Quigon for purposes of helping identify the part. Which he doesn't. Could R2D2 have been manipulating Jinn? Remember, Jiinn was not strong enough to manipulate some bucktoothed  junk salesman. His mental capacities aren't legendary.

Then, out of all the planets in the galaxy, of all the towns in Tattoine, an Sith assassin manages to track them down to the exact place they landed in. An assassin who was earlier shown to be WITH Darth Sidious/Palpatine, presumably in Coruscant. SOMEONE told Sidius that the important people the Trade Federation was looking for  where on some planet. I think it was R2. Sure, he's never shown to have that kind of intergalactic transmitting capabilities, but we'll soon learn R2D2 has many things we never knew about.

Eventually, though they make it to Coruscant, successfully play into a tyrant's ploy for power, and go back to  Tattoine to singlehandedly stop the whole thing anyway. R2D2 stays with the boy and "he" accidentally flies a starship and uses it to blow up a bigger ship.  Yes, a little kid who grew up on some third world hut, is apparently able to figure out a superadvanced ship, while his robot companion just boops and beeps, totally not manipulating the ship.

Autopilot, yeah sure. "Oh, this autopilot is totally taking me to a battle that will cement my status as  a Force sensitive! Stop It!"

And so, "Anakin" successfully eliminates the main problem of the first movie. So R2D2 sticks with Obi Wan and Anakin for 10 years, until someone tries to murder Amidala, now a senator.  He's the only one she lets in her room before her next assassination attempt, which is a shame, because his course of action  upon witnessing the murderbugs a robot lets in is to not move and tell no one. Think about it, R2 himself could have killed them, as he's not possible to poison. Could have run 'em over with his wheels or  one of those things that come out of him. He's clearly not only observing it, but  he must have told the bad guys where she was in detail.

He then goes on to participate on Anakin's breaking of his Jedi vows and his fall to the Dark side. This is pretty creepy. Think about it: This guy is killing children within his sight! And he doesn't intervene, he doesn't tell anyone. He's not unfazed. You assume he's friends with someone, that he has some kind of ethics. If he's willing to sit out events like this, why not assume he'd actually manipulate them?

Then he throws C3PO into a factory to almost certain dissasembly. And he flies above it all with his rockets. It's important, this rockets have never been used in the service of anyone else. But we're already seeing a picture of a character with no scruples, who, while all his "friends" go on to a death duel with supermonsters, he's off minding his own business.  I guess he sort of helps C3PO from the situation he put him on later. We all know about these two. But from the looks of it, it's a rather abusive relationship.

It is an order! Marry them...NOW!

So R2 goes on to witness the wedding of Anakin. Of note: He's not just ANAKIN'S robot. He works along with Obi Wan. So, it doesn't ever come up, like for accident or something. Or  He doesn't tell anyone?"Beep Eep, Oooooo! What's that, Artoo? Married to Padme?"

By the next movie, the only 5 people know of the marriage: the couple, R2 and 3pio and Senator Palpatine. How this last one knows, hhmm... I just can't say...

But here's a picture suggesting the answer.

So the mission to rescue Palpatine kicks off Ep 3, and R2D2 is, as always, the one surviving robot. It is here he hints at his multiple combat capabilities. Besides flying, he can shock things with a taser, and douse them in fuel. He can even do a thing I don't understand.

But whatever it is I would never want something this dangerous happening near me, at crotch level.

This abilities never come up in dangerous situations. Even when it does, it's usually on a ship, where R2 himself is in danger. When it's about helping other people, it's like he's very selective...

So, when the real bad shit goes down, R2 immediately sides with Darth Badguy on the murder of The last of the Separatists, as well as Obiwan. It's actually a little surprising that Obi Wan later picks him up and gives him to Jimmy Smits who has C3Po mindwiped and not him.  This means that, going in to the original trilogy, R2 knew everything: Luke's Father, the whole conspiracy everything, that Obi Wan is a Jedi... He never uses any of that. He never uses any of his abilities again. He's evil, I tell you!

Or this movies are badly written. I don't know. Whichever makes most sense,  I guess.

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6 songs that Kidz Bop thinks are appropriate for children

Once a great songwriter from my country said "Children make terrible singers". Or something to that effect.

And then the boy wizard got to him.

But don't tell that to the makers of Kidz Bop, a series of music CDs of covers of Top 40s music as sung by children and teenagers. Since October, 2001(I'm not gonna say anything if you don't say anything...) the Kidz troupe of what I guess is an everchanging cast of preteens have been singing the songs you're already tired of hearing in the radio in Biannual albums .

It goes without saying that not every song that hits the top 40 is appropriate  for all ages. Invariably you're gonna end with a mix of songs with different ranges in mind. It was only natural that Kidz Bop was gonna run into this problem.But which are the least kid-like? How did they deal with it?  I looked at the track list of every main Kidz Bop release looking for the truth. And I found it.

The Song

Headstrong, by Trapt.

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a confrontational song.It might not specify it, but it's about potentially starting a fight with somebody. If you think that's ambiguous  find a random stranger and tell him "Back off: I'll take you on! I'm head strong to take on anyone!" and see if they think you meanto  take them on in a fucking boat race. Also, the lyrics include such child friendly material as "I see you're full of shit!" and "FUUUUUUCK!"

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

First off, by cheating. They clearly got someone a little older to sing the verses AND choir, and only use kids as choir backup.  This is the only version on the YT, which even the kids that uploaded seem to dread and only use when the real one wasn't available.

Secondarily,  they  just use that censor thing where distracted moms listening for swear words only hear " I stick my _ into your _". It's still a song about starting a fight with jerks, though. But I guess it's about fighting jerks near an elementary school now.

What stwength! But don't fowget dew aw many guys like yoo all ova da wald!

The Song

Rihanna's Umbrella (also, every single human being has  done a cover.)

What do you mean it's not for kids?

The song is clearly not about umbrellas. That's just a metaphor for sexual dependency and security. If you want to  claim it's about sentient parasols, then why does the song continually go "Come into me! ! People don't go into umbrellas. Unless you count Albert  Wesker and Tom the Cat as people, and civil rights ain't advanced that far.

He's turned on!

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they didn't. All of the innuendo is here, even the part about the hand being hard. I guess innuendo is cool, because kids are stupid. It's okay, you morons! It's about Uno! In the rain!

They did fade out before the part where Rihanna continually asks someone to come into her. But that's not censorship, that's bad DJing.

The Song

Axel F-Crazy Frog

What do you mean it's not for kids?

I realize that there might be kids that where born in 2005, and might be unaware of what Crazy Frog is. And due to my use of images to drive up traffic, they might have gotten here looking FOR Kidz Bops. For those of you, sit by the virtual  campfire, and hear my tale.


Way before you where born, there was a  movie called Beverly Hills Cop. It starred Eddie Murphy. Back then your parents made out in his movies instead of  divorcing in them.


Then in 2005 a fad was jump started called Crazy Frog, which involved voice altered "frog" trying to reproduce the sounds of motorcars. I do not know the full history. I...dread it. All I know is it began with a "cover" of the catchy theme from that movie, and that more than one album was produced.It was one of those inescapable things.


I advocate that the whole trend was awful, and should not have been thrust on anyone. But to do a cover of mouthfarts is just offensive. Some kids would have liked crazy Frog. Why would they need a KIDS VERSION!?

You and me both, lady...

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By getting the lyrics wrong. Why look at the lyrics to "Axel F" ...and despair.

And now look at...are you with someone? You  don't have any depression problems or anything like that? Because the only version I found is on a showcase of Original Sonic characters which is both terror inducing, and terrifyingly fitting. So if you're under suicide watch or something, take my word for it.

The important part is that  they didn't even do it right. That they somehow SCREWED UP CRAZY FROG. How can one not get the proper amount of Rings, Brems, Dums and Baas wrong. No , don't look at me, you're the ones who wanted kids to sing along to Crazy Frog!

The Song

Livin' la Vida Loca-Ricky Martin

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Okay, let's get this out of the way: Ricky Martin is a brave man for pretending to be straight when it was economically convenient and utilizing his gayness to sell books and concerts and get you grings talking about him again. The fact that he was wearing a Team Rocket brand ladies' man costume during this part of his career is not inherently inappropriate. I mean, come on, dudes, what do you think "loca" means to Puerto Ricans?

However, I fail to see how you Yankees continually use this song on things for kids. This song is about some kind of sex-crazed she-thing that drugs and seduces Ricky  Martin. It's about fucking some crazy ass seductress. "Upside-Inside out". You know. Of her cooch. And while I wouldn't mind a having a shot at some crazy ass, super Brazilian superwoman...he's more likely referring to the woman who turned him Gay in the first place, Mexican Rockstress Alejandra Guzman, who had a shot at a far too young Martin. Kid's singing groups are fun!

No fair to use this photo, I know. She was younger when she ate his scrotum.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, "the bullet through the brain bit" is gone.  So, you know, she slipped you a sleeping pill and date raped you and stole your money, but no gun metaphors!  Kid's might start to metaphorically shoot each other or something.

The Song

If I were a Boy-Beyonce

What do you mean it's not for kids?

It's a song about the gender inequalities a millionaire, Grammy award winner actress has to suffered at the hands of men. Like Guys being able to lie and cheat and no one ever judges them, no. But a woman has one little beer with a man, and she's getting  Sorayaemmed up in this bitch!

But seriously, kids, learn this broad typifications of 1940s gender relations because otherwise, Beyonce and her feminist husband, Jay Z can't get a Cadillac made out of Albino elephants.

If she were a boy, what group would she have ditched? Boyz to Men?

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

By cutting that entire part of the song. You know, the one about cheating and about drinking and stuff. Now its' a song about being able to wear unironed shirts without our peers mocking us and being able to hang out with however we wanted and not be confronted for it. Wait, you're kids, who the fuck are you planning to hang out with, a drug dealer? We're your parents, we say who you can or can't hang out with!

The Song

California Gurls-Katy Perry

What do you mean it's not for kids?

Look, I know all about regional pride in your women. With admition that I don't know if Katy is from California or whatever. I don't think I should ask too many questions.



But to have girls singing about bikini tops and being sexy and that whole "melt your Popsicle" business. She ain't singing about no goddamn ice-cream! I don't know if I can explain how kids singing that is creepy. But it is. Or it would be.

How did Kidz Bop deal with it ?

Well, they try to subdue the more racy elements of the song, like  changing "gin and juice" to sippin' on my juice" and now the boys break their necks "trying to act a little crazy".

Insanity!

Physical descriptions of girl's clothing in the choir are now 'Fine, fresh, fierce, we got it on lock", Which I guess was thought up by a think-tank of an 80s rapper, a hairdresser, and an ironic hipster.



However, their "sun-kissed beach" will still "melt my popsicle". I don't care that you switched the scenario to one where Ice-cream doesn't melt unless it's hot outside and only California has the proper conditions for that to happen. It's still a metaphor for ejaculation. Now it's just geophilia. Stop it! Why does this song  make less sense without Snoop Dog!? CURSE YOU, KIDZ BOOOOOOOP!

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