Son of a Pitch: Star Wars (2014)

It's on Green screen, 'course I can.

Well, it seems several of the changes for that newfangled Home Hexilogy Star Wars rerelease are out and...it's pretty disconcerting. To me, this one right here stands out.

Yes, that is Obi Wan imitating a dragon to scare away the Sand people. When my neighbor gets home drunk, he has to scare Sandpeople all the time, I guess.

You see, (puts on old man glasses) It used to be you released a movie, and it was done. However, we all know many ideas and concepts and scenes don't make it into the final product. The advent of Home Video formats allowed the existence of "The Director's Cut",  the idea of adding scenes that where cut to presumably approach the film more to the director's vision. Even if that vision is a little stupid, I get that.

However, George Lucas isn't a normal director. Despite having some great, classic movies that he could just send into the Blue Ray Making machine and watch the money fly, he just can't help himself going back and reworking this films.

Imagine if Brian De Palma came back after a couple of decades and decided he was gonna add a cg cat for Tony and re-dub his death scene to have him go "I regret nothing!" as he fell into the pool. You could say he CAN, but you could say also that it's fuckin' stupid. This things are additions in the technical sense of the word only, and do not actually upgrade the experience for the audience. 

"I mean, he's missing that "Dr Claw" edge to him..."

This isn't a matter if the changes are good or bad for the film. It's a question of who this changes are for. I mean, Star Wars was pretty popular before he put CG in it in the 90s. I don't think it's just about money, because I don't think there are enough fans of blinking to justify putting eyelids on 40 year old film's dudes in fursuits.  You could release licensed Star Wars Turdburgers and people would buy. It's clearly a personal thing for old George.

So here's my pitch to the thick necked one himself: Why not redo the whole thing over again? Why not restart the whole franchise? That's right, I'm calling for a Star Wars REMAKE.

Clearly.

George Lucas gets to do whatever he wants with this, from turning Chew Bacca and Han Solo into a Lemur and a Reptile, as per his original vision, to making  EVERYTHING in CG from scratch. George get full control of the franchise from frame 1.  He can start with Star Wars: A New Hope, and move through all 6 movies. It's not like he's not changing the Prequels, in spite him being in full control of those, too. He can make pack every single granule of the screen with zipping, swooping, bouncing, jumping computer effects. With super panamorphic 3D reberwatshit and shit.

Panaamorphic!

He can put Jonah Hill as Luke and have an extended, unnecessary fight with Greedo in the original film instead of just a tense scene! He can have Jabba be 3 stories high and terrorize Seattle! He can establish how germs rule they universe and control destiny and cause prophesies from the start, now!

And invariable, when a movie is remade, the original goes out on Disc, so maybe we can get the regular old Star Wars movies on home video formats? Hmm?

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5 Sad , Sad facts about Johnny Test

^"And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months.  And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven."

If this had been a real test, I, or some replicator blog copying me that isn't BestGeekEverPR, would be blogging about other shit.

In the year 2005, disaster struck. Into our world, a heinous, destructive force was unleashed, and it has wreaked havoc on the hearts of men everywhere. I am, of course, talking about the kid's cartoon show "Johnny Test"

Johnny Test: truly a cancer upon the world of animated shows, kid's shows, and television in general. It has been properly been declared the #1 TV show to cause dumbness in kids. In it's wake, good shows and bad shows and terrible shows and great shows have come and gone. But the Test remains.

I'm still bitter.

The show, about a wannabe cool kid who is experimented on his twin sisters, is, rest assured, well named. For the show itself is a measure to how widespread can a terrible show be. In order for future generations to understand the wretchedness that it is after all masters are inevitably burnt, here's 5 key facts to understanding the awfulness that is Johnny Test.

5)Johnny Test has never done anything original

Bore than Beets the Bye!

You like the Bible quote up there? It doesn't have that much to do with Johnny Test. It's just that by attaching myself to something most of the Western World knows, I gain more visibility and recognizably.

Understand, even good shows take from other shows. Often in  he form of parody or homage. Johnny Test, though, can barely get out of bed to find humor, let alone a parody of something. Which means that each "parody" episode feels exactly like what it is: a crude exploitation of something you know. Take  "Johnny's Pink Plague", the episode where the titular boy uses an experimental cream shot from a gun to cure acne all over town. The lowest common denominator would balk if such  material was implied to be meant for them, so to spice it up, the show decides it wants to be a Ghostbusters parody. Even with a terrible  "we have to cross the streams" reference. 

All of them is Winston.

Far be it from me to discuss the plausibility of a cartoon where zits can become sentient monsters, but what would  crossing a cream with the SAME EXACT CREAM accomplish? It doesn't make sense, and if I call it funny, humor can sue me for libel. This isn't just a thing that the show did. This is what the show does. If you can remember it, Johnny Test is awkwardly trying to shoehorn it into it's badly scripted  so called plots.

4)Johnny Test knows not humor

"This here be the funny switched. Hasn't worked in  many moons."

"What is this...Hue-Moar you speak off?" would reply this show  after being asked why it causes tumors in the funny bone. In it's six year history, Johnny Test has never even run into laughs, not even by accident. If it ever did, though, I'd like to think it would pull out a gun and yell that he killed them.

As a key piece of evidence, I present this episode, there Johnny is unable to buy a game because it is rated M. His parent don't want him to get the game, so the stage is set for scenes of Johnny Test doing stupid things to get a videogame. At the end, he eventually gets it, plays it, and declares that it gives him nightmares and that hjs parents where right. In pretty much those words. Yep. That's the punchline. He might as well have said "Running time achieved. Cowabenga."

"Here's the key to the cyanide case.  Bring for everyone."

There are many elements to comedy, such as timing, tone and playing with expectations. Johnny Test knows. It's spent  whole existence escaping from those. But if Sitcoms and Inspector Gadget(1997) taught us anything is that funny sounds make drab comedy tolerable by telling the audience, "yeah, we know it's not funny". And so, Johnny test scrounged up the meager sounds it could: whipping noises. Every time something poignant(more like repugnant) happens, the ghostly sound of a whipping noise can be heard, making me think the forced jokes that comprise this show are literally forced by whipping.

3)Johnny Test is inferior to it's most likely inspiration

Okay, say you got high as hell and watched a bunch of Boomerang shows. And then the mafia showed up and said they where gonna kill your family unless you weaponized yawns using Illustrator, you still could not come up with a more uninspired show than Johnny Test.

A head of fiery...waitaminnit!

The makers actually probably thought to themselves: "What if Dexter's Labs was rule 63ed, and whatever of value of that show was traded by failed catchphrases and abhorrent stereotypes?" It really is a gender swapped scenario for Dexter, except since now that it's the boy wrecking the experiments he's the hero.

Charted!

Except that Dexter's Lab was pretty groundbreaking, smart, and funny, Johnny Test is avenging it's parent's death's at the hand of mirth.

 2) Johnny Test exist because it's funded by you

And by you, I mean you, if you're Canadian. Apparently the show is granted continued, torturous existence because it's made in Canada, where subsidies to local animation people allow it to be produced and sold cheaply to Cartoon Network. So CN can run it at any time with less risk of losing funds, and the makers are at less risk. This terrible, terrible show has a chance of outlasting well animated, fun shows like Adventure Time and Thundercats because those people had to put "effort" and "money" and "talent" into their shows, while Johnny Test can shit out 20 new "Wacky Races" ripoff episodes on the cheap. There has never been this little a need for talent over exposure since  Paris Hilton.There hasn't been this effective an outdated parody outlet since Hoodwinked. Except Hoodwinked wasn't paid for by the people of Canada.

But they payback in hate.

Here's a lesson for the kids: If you work hard and put your heart into it, you will be less sucessfull than those who don't give a fuck and put no effort in it.

1) Johnny Test has one animator:

Moar By-Boll Refrences LoL!

Here's the IMDB  Cast for Johnny Test. You will notice it has two people under "animator", and they didn't even work the same years. I wrote this list because of that. See, once I knew a single human being worked on animating this show I understood. The doors opened.

See, traditional animation, even though it's mostly now done with computers, is still a relatively painstaking process that costs money. But Canada's paying the bill on this one, so I guess we can make a higher quality on this one? Nope. Johnny Test's people decided that it doesn't matter if the characters have pointy claws for hands and move like a pop up book, as long as the show gets to CN on time.

Johnny Test animates like a bad flash porn game. Each snappy move actively defies what "animation" is. Each Background is worst than the last. But what do you want, you couldn't fill a hatchback with all the people working, and you couldn't fill a bathroom with all the people who care.

Hm-mm!

So yes, a single solitary man animates this show. And if IMDB is to be believed, since 2008 no one has actually animated it.

Whoa. Didn't see that coming.

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Today you find strenght in the unlikeliest of places...

Don't fuck with her, she on LMN now, bitch!

Hoodwinked totally ripped this off.

If you're so bad, how come you're so neutered?

Who doesn't like fighting game chicks?

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Movie news: Danger Girl,Wonder Woman, CG Yoda

Been a busy week, and I wanted to touch on some of the news that have been going around.

Latino Review, the site I go to for movie news now that Cinematical got offed, is reporting that a movie based on Chromium Era adventure comics Danger Girl is already looking to nab Sofia Vergara, Milla Jovovich, and Kate Beckinsale.

Even though it sounds unlikely, I do have to disagree. First off, Danger Girl is about breasts going on adventures.I mean, it's not like this is gonna be a deep study on the human condition or anything. If you ask for a ticket to Danger Girl, you are asking for a ticket to breasts.We're not dealing with  thought provoking documentaries about the Black War, here.

Not The Cove, here.

Why would anyone would associate breasts and Milla Jovovich? Secondly, both Milla Jovovich and Kate Beckinsale seem a bit...well, old to pull of this team. I mean, look at the images of the girls. Now look at Images of Kate and Milla. See? They should have brought some Michelle Rodriguez.

Sofia Vergara, however, does have the range to play boobs.

But really, they should have gotten Denise Richards to play all 3 girls. All the girls look just like she did when she was young, anyway.

The new 6 movie Star Wars box set is not going to be without itty bitty bitchy changes, apparently, as the Puppet Yoda from the Phantom Menace is set to be replaced with the CG version the other prequels had. Watch for yourself in this memorable scene and compare to the old one.

Now, maybe it's me, but I feel the puppet moved with more emotion and concern than the CG one, and it's not some "CG ruined everything" crap. It's the difference 'tween this

and
this.

Animation is an artform, and this was just badly animated. You'd think in one of the better, iconic scenes of the prequels they'd put more of an effort. It's not just putting it on the computer and setting the bump maps at max, damn you!

Director of movie I-have,-but-haven't-got-to-watching Valhalla Rising  Nicholas Winding Refn says if his upcoming remake of old, weird movie Logan's Run is a success, he's been promised to be let to make his Teta positive Wonder Woman movie. I am highly conflicted between how much I want it to be true and how little I think it is possible. Still, just a crappy remake and then we get our Wonder Woman. How's it going with those remakes, boys? Can we get the Starred panties now?

Hollywood is a funny place. They can find a concept and remove the charm out of it like no other. Eddie Murphy(Norbit, Pluto Nash, The Haunted Mansion, and the good movies they successful buried as well) is set to voice the titular character of Hong Kong Phooey in the new Live Action, CG hybrid. Invariably this will stupidly be about a dog who somehow acquires powers and has to prance around New York.

And invariably feature dated references.

What bothers me is, I know Hollywood has had it for putting CG animals/creatures in New York ever since Stuart Little. But why take something featuring anthropomorphic animals and ruin the charm by making them "real" animals. In a cartoon world, Top Cat is a cat that is also pretty much a person. We don't need that, but with the cat being an actual (crappy CG)cat.  We don't need actual CG gorilla Maguilla Gorilla, we don't need actual CG squirrel Inspector Squirrel.  If you HAVE to get your CG creature on New York bug on, at least pick franchises that lend  themselves to that.

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Put your art into it!

Well, it does "devieate"...

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A Mercenary Gesture

I hate it when a plan gets discovered by people who knew about it.

Earlier in the week news came down that mercenaries have apparently been training illegally in the center of the island. The neightbors of the region think the mercs are a little too loud and paramilitary train-y to be there, and want them out, while the mercenary group has hidden the evidence on their website that pretty much said "It's cool to be here in Puerto Rico! Come on over!

Frankly, I think it's a shame. Mercenaries are an important step into making the island into an action movie. Whether they be Mercenaries for Justice, or being killed by Riddick or Wikus on Merwe, mercenaries enrichen any fiction they are in.

If I could take off my head, I wouldn't even need money.

Sure, this island has it's share of shootouts, fights, hitmen, murder misteries, intrigue and such. But never in the spirit of what a Deadpool could bring.
Without  the Merc School, our only mercenaries will be our politicians, Gossip Mongers, musicians,  and other assorteds with all of the money grubbyness and none of the grenades.

See! It's just...Grr!

What I think they should do is keep the Mercenary training ground, and train the local  populace for free. Sure, you'll get a lot of unstable men running around the island with guns and stuff. Hopefully that's when Vin Diesel steps in.

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Scolding Reviews: Battle Arena Toshinden

Way to make it seem like there's a 3 way in the movie, guys.

My ambiguous relationship with Anime aside, I do feel a little jealous of Japan. See, under a certain level of obscurity, you're never gonna see most videogames adapted here in the west. No matter how much you think Darkstalkers would make a kickass movie, the Hollywood system would prefer things with names people know like Asteroids. Meanwhile, in Japan, you kick a bush and an anime OVA of some obscure Playstation game drops out.

Fuck, even PORN fighting games get adapted!

My relationship with said game series, Battle Arena Toshinden, extends mostly to playing a Demo on Toys R Us back when...well, when it was new. I remember it had a character named Fo, which I guess was funny because of cultural reasons you don't care about.

The Anime begins with a fleet of warships  reunited to celebrate the end of the cold war. Huh?

Cold War, you say...

However, the cold war soon gets hot as a long haired super warrior begins exploding everything and killing everyone.I don't think he does it for any reason.

Maybe he doesn't believe in peace between the Cherry Bomb block and the Avocado block.

The mane-man, named Sho, hunts down and attacks the only character I remember from the game: Huge claws wielding Fo, and they have  a fight. Sho wins it when he uses the same technique as Fo.  I don't know how, since Fo's attacks involve  (for lack of a better comparison) Wolverine-ish claws and Sho uses a Katana blade. Whatever.

We finally move on to our protagonist, Discount-Store Ryu Eiji Shinjo, as he remembers how the tournament ended with a confusing fight involving a huge, Trojan Man voice Samurai named Gaia,  creepy sword licker for this show Chaos, and himself. It ends with Gaia and Chaos disappearing and  Eiji no closer to finding his brother.

Was wondering the same myself.

Wait...the tournament ended? Then what the hell is this movie about? Well, to answer that  Kayjin, the Ken to our Ryu has yet another fight with him. It's six minutes in and we are at 3 fights. If you don't like anime swordfights, rescind now. Besides friendly sword-banter, Kayjin wants to let Eiji know someone's been attacking tournament participants, and that maybe they should look into it. I don't know how there are "participants" left of a "tournament" which involve swordfighitng, but I guess it's best not to think about it...

THERE ARE NO RAYS INVOLVED IN THIS MOVE, KAYJIN.

Meanwhile, at the Hall of Doom, one of said fighters, Rungo, is forced to fight Chaos for the entertainment and enlightenment of our villain, Lady Uranus, a pompous , haughty woman dressed in increasingly silly and improbable outfits. I...have no choice...

Tell Harry...

...I'm sorry...

Also, get used to Chaos bringing up Gaia. This guy mentions Gaia more than the Planeteers.

Our heroes try to keep ahead of the nefarious and lazily named "Organization" by visiting Sofia, a fighter formerly brainwashed by Org. that now spends her days trying to remember her previous life.When she hears the Organization is "on the move" either the music gets really stupid or she drops  all the cutlery in the house.

Ain't no stoppin' them now?

While this happens, Lady Gag-me is having her Steve Jobs-like presentation of the "Man Machine Project" in the DARKEST FUCKING CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE WORLD. The stockholders, or potential investors or whatever they are can only be seen when they turn on their personal monitors. And there's a projector behind Uranus showing images of Sho wrecking the "End of the Cold War" fleet. Jesus, wasn't this on the news?

Sofia and Eiji discuss Eiji's tragic backstory, unaware that from her ANGEL SHAPED THRONE, complete with HALO, Lady Urinal is plotting to control Sofia. See, the organization did some kinds of experiments on her and now Cammy Sofia is reliable as a Manchurian candidate.

The trap is sprung as Sofia takes an obligatory sexy anime bath and visits Eiji in his room, naked. While he's distracted by all the goodness, she tries to  stab him in the neck. He jumps out the window, and when he lands, he's in full costume despite being at least shirtless inside. She jumps down, and now she's in her fight costume as well. The Fuck?

Tetas!

You see, I get WHY you're not having this two fight naked, I just don't see why you would try and have it both ways by having them naked only for them appear conveniently in costume. If you don't wanna be Ninja Scroll it's fine, just don't SET IT UP!  At any rate, Eiji defeats her, with the power of love.

Then Sho shows up. And he's all, "I don't have to explain anything , fight me!" And they fight! Sho defeats Sofia and Eiji with his magi-blasts and superior swording. So Eiji, realizing this is probably not the brother he dreams of stabbing with a sword, turns the battle around and whups Sho.

Lady Pretentious shows up in her cupid suit. The Following exchange ensues.


Eiji: Who Are you?


Lady Uranus: This has given me excellent data.


Eiji: Data? What are you talking about?


Lady Uranus: I am Lady Uranus.Everything is gone just as I had planned. Creating the Man Machine android in the form of your brother resulted in heightening your emotions to levels I've never seen before...it's so  easy to manipulate you trough your emotions! You're an amateur.


Eiji: Why you...What do you want from me?


Lady Uranus: That's for me to know!(Fades away)

After that, Eiji tends to Sofia, and wonders what is going on, despite it having been mostly told to him by Lady Ironman.

Meanwhile Not-Ken arrives at a circus to talk to Ellis, a little girl who is liable to be  the next victim of the Organization. She's practicing her knife tossing routine on her boss, when all a sudden she's distracted by Kaijin's appearance and she  misses her mark.It's funny when he's offscreen, but once we see him, she got him on the neck. He needs a medical attention!

The first episode ends with Eiji jumping off the grand canyon into the sun. I don't get it either.


Moving on from that. Ep 2 opens with Gaia fighting ninjas while Chaos sort of tells himself how awesome killing Gaia is gonna be. This real time, or a flashback? Hell if I know.

Then we see Ellis doing her knife routine. The crowd loves it, or maybe they haven't realized they are watching a little girl in a cleavage exposing, junk riding swimsuit. Goddamn it, Japan.

I mean, I know your women peak early, but at least wait until puberty...

After the show, the gets debriefed on the Man Machine Project and how they probably want to get to her too, to study her data. I just hope lady Uranus would put the data of the fighters into something cooler than  stupid, Chai-like  Chaos. Like Sunglasses.

Of course, then they pretend to leave so that she can have a fight with perverted, blade-licking Chaos. Because Japan likes the idea of a blade licking pervert fighting a pre-teen in chest exposing beachwear. Eventually though, they do step in, but Chaos reveals he's a much betterer super fighter than the last one, who was only fighting at 30% power. Fuckin' power levels, this isn't the Scruffydragon Forums!

So Chaos beats them, and is about to hopefully just kidnap the girl and kill her, when Gaia intervenes. Gaia handles Chaos pretty well, until Chaos, inspired by the best, burps noxious green gas into Gaia's face. He seems to not be bothered by this but Ellis(who is his daughter) doesn't seem to know, as she jumps into the cloud to save him. Sure enough, she get poisoned, and it's a poison only Lady Urawhore can cure in her lair. They invite  Gaia to an obvious trap in the headquarters of the organization.

They rush Ellis to the hospital, where a cop lady with blue hair in a skanky outfit gives them grief about their story, which apparently involves them fighting a stray dog.

Officer, is this a porn movie or am I in trouble?

Meanwhile, an attack on a military base is seen on the news, with the anchor wondering who it could have been. Didn't he read the news?

That Alien Fiend's plans won't go unopposed...

Anyway all points converge at the Headquarters of the Organization, As Lady Cop, Sofia, Eiji and Kaijin  head there. The HQ is seemingly a mountain with two towers set  above it. Also, Ninja are everywhere and try to stop them. Eiji and Kayjin leave the women behind to fight the mooks while they split up between the towers. Eventually, they run into what they should have expected.

Bullet...FIYA!

But wait, a Samurai guy makes the save! He's here to help! And the guy we last saw choking in his own blood at Casa Organization! He's also here to help! And also some knight guy with the cliche bullshit about beating Eiji first! And Fo! Is anyone missing?

Sekretary! You did come!(Heroic music)

Lady Uranus seems pretty certain this is no big concern, but then  Gaia shows up at her room and they talk while Chaos blathers on in the background. Lady Overdressed tells Gaia the final phase of the project is the removal of all thoughts that aren't fighting. That seems...impractical. You're not creating guard dogs, lady, you're creating Super Soldiers. Although a guard dog that only attacked would make a poor guard dog.

So, what can I do to send you home with a blade licking murderous pervert who screams "Gaia" all the time and can only  think of fighting?

Eventually, though, Chaos and Gaia engage in combat. Kayji finds the building where Gaia and  Chaos are fighting, while Eiji finds the Man Machin incubation centre. He blows it up and  does a pretty impossible stunt to get to the other building.

While the supporting cast show off their incredibly stupid special move names, Eiji and Kayjin and Gaia cannot beat Chaos using theirs because he's programmed to react to them. So they switch moves around and start doing each other's moves, which  he does not expect. This eventually wins the day as Eiji does a hyper uppercut in the air and orgasms Chaos into exploding..

DISAPPOINTED FIRST NIGHT OF SEX TOGETHER FOLLOWED BY 4 YEARS OF BITTERNESS! FLASH!

However, despite being overwhelmed by Eiji, Kayjin, Gaia, and  a sudden appearance by Sho, Lady Ur-a-nut manages to slowly fly away to make more stupidly named things.

All the heroes reunite and laugh at the fact that they worked together now, but in the next Toshin Tournament, some dumbass is going to get stabbed. Also, Ellis wakes up to our lead Shotos as her father gave her the medicine, but left. Eventually Eiji wanders into the promise of a sequel and the movie ends.

"Because we're all in this together..."

This anime is...not bad. It's sort of a poor man's Street Fighter 2 anime, but hey, you've already seen that a million times. While it certainly isn't innovative or amazing, it's good for a watch or two. It's fairly well done for an Anime based on some game no one ever cared about, and while it's pretty much going through the motions, there are certainly worst Anime out there.

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This is how we doooo it!

Step Up 2 the Marvel Universe!

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Love Letter: The Michelle Rodriguez character

She's about to fix rain. Permanently.

You know, I love an action girl. Just ask anyone. It has lead me to some poor viewing choices, such as Ecks vs Sever, and Immortal. But It's also lead me to good choices, such as 2000's Girlfight.

While the movie itself was way less actiony and a lot more dramaty than I'd hoped, it did introduce to me the wonders of Michelle Rodriguez, and her singular creation: "The Michelle Rodriguez character".

I ain't never seen such a cold stare, mon.

Now, you have probably seen this character. It's ussually some sort of military figure or soldier, and played by Michelle Rodriguez.

She has at least one moment to show she doesn't take bullshit from anyone.

Here eyelids are partially closed, so it looks like her eyes are scowling.

However mean she comes off as, she usually proves to be a friend to the protagonist.

She has  high potential for some dramatic death, but not always.

She's usually alive by the end of the film, despite the odds, though.

She carries some kind of rifle or other high powered weaponry.

And as a general rule, she's generally not the object of affection of our leads.

Now, you may think I'm poking fun at how this Domi-rican actress is getting typecast, but I think there's a reason for it: She's really good at this type of role.

See, getting the ingredients to a believable action girl right is hard. Not everyone can pull it off. And even though we like action girls, an unconvincing action girl can bring the whole thing down. You can't just put any  model in a battle suit and put  guns in her hand and call it a day.

"I used to deesign for GODS!"

Michelle Rodriguez plays tough well.It's a shame she doesn't get too many lead roles since. The closest thing to a leading role I see in her IMDB is Blue Crush, which is a surfing movie I didn't see, so I'm guessing she didn't play a mean, military minded no nonsense surfer.

No one else has billing in this series that isn

't Milla Jovovich. E-VER!

I guess the world isn't particularly ready for a tough hispanic female character that isn't all about sex appeal. All the more reason to do give her a lead. Maybe like in a pirate film or something. Something that isn't a supporting role.   While we wait, I do declare, "I love 'The Michelle Rodriguez character'."

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