Wednesday, February 5, 2014

5 Things you should stop if you're planning

It's the Chinese year of the crank.
I sometimes wonder what kind of people does my blog reach. Do they quickly scroll down to that picture of  Lady Yoyoboing and then quickly hit back? Does anyone even read this shit? Do I suck? I'm not insecure. Knowing how much I such is essential to reduce my suckage output.

Either way, if you are reading this you, like me, might want to make the odd projects now and then, like my terrible Smallville game, or my hopefully less terrible book "Fighting Hero of the Galaxy". If your project is any of the below things, perhaps you would allow me do dissuade you. I don't think you'd listen to me, but perhaps influenced by my words, you'd maybe put a little more effort on...

5 )Mario/Sonic/Zelda Fangames
Finally. After so many years. A Mario REVIVAL.

Let's be blunt here: We don't need anymore fangames based on sprites that are as old as me. I think Mario, Sonic, and Zelda are so completely played out in fan made content that Nintendo and Sega might as well stop trying.

I get it: you guys love Sonic. I loved Sonic. I wanted to make Sonic Fan games before many of you were born. But If you want anyone to give a fuck about your Sonic fan game, you have to make it something really special. What's your plan, then? Is it "just" a Sonic game, but now we can play as green Sonic and  Gray Tails. Think about it.

I thought the other day: Hay, how about if I make Super Mario 64...but in 2D! How cool would...let me google search...Goddamn.  Again, I don't say you suck for doing a fangame based on serieses that have 2 official entries a year, but find a niche. Find an angle, or do another, more dormant franchise. Because just Mario just ain't special no more.

4) Medieval Fantasy Story

Do you want to make a fantasy story? Are there dragons, wizards, and the types of humanoids Tolkien put into his books? If you want your book/rpg/screenplay to stand out, my advise is to start over.

 I freely admit that I've never been fully captivated by the Medieval Fantasy stories. I kind of tolerate it as one of the basic narrative genres. But guys, these things are overdone.  We call these stories fantasy stories, as if the Knight-Princess-King-Dragon was the only kind of story in the past you could put heroes, heroines, lords and monsters in. What about africa? What about the non greek cultures of the pre classic period? What about a mythology that isn't as played out?

I'm just saying, go read up on other mythologies before diving into tired and true tales of orcs and goblins and crap. If you still want to make a story about medieval fantasy, fine. At least now you can make that a little less tired?

3) A "retro" take on a modern franchise
Get it? Because it totally could have happened but didnt!

 Look, you can hit the links above to prove me a hypocrite, but the truth is, "retro" aesthetics are becoming the domain of lazy designers who don't want to pay for animation. Yeah, I said it. You guys make it look like a Snes game because that way you can make an ugly looking game while getting praise for retroness. Earthwom Jim and Custer's Revenge both equally count as Retro, but only one of them has sweet animation.

So let's take a moratorium on making retro versions of  modern day blockbusters. I mean, it's funny and all, but we should perhaps step back and consider that it wasn't so long ago that what we do for laughs and nostalgia used to be called "shitty Game Boy Color Port". Nobody Fondly Looks back on the real "Retro" Virtua Fighter and "Retro" Battle Arena Toshiden and "Retro" Crazy Taxi. Is your retro take good on it's own, or is it just a shitty port?

2) Angry Birds anything that isn't a videogame.

 Because we can't top the level of franchise-ception that is Angry Birds Star Wars Jenga. I'll kill myself if they make a movie version of this.

1) A Supehero who is a deconstruction of Superman/Batman
Not a dream! Not an imaginary story! Not...really that clever...

No. No. Non. Don't do it. No more. Everyone and their grandmother litterally knows Superman. Everyone has already wondered what if the boyscout where evil. Or an asshole. Or a Nazi. Or a rapist. Or insane. Or ubersane.  Or gay. Or bi. Or black. Or Asian. We do not need anymore versions of Superman. And you can just copy that and paste it and replace Superman with Batman.

I like this guys, don't misunderstand me. But  there are other superheroes out there.  Come on. Don't be lazy. And that's basically my advise for everyone else.


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