Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Regarding the Ninja Turtles trailer

I always wondered what bald Whopee Goldberg looks like without hair.

I'll keep it short. There's two kinds of nerd-group reactions to the idea of Michael Bay directing sodomizing destroying annihilating eradicating eviscerating producing  Ninja Turtles movie. One is that, as General Garza from Expendables put it once "is no good". The second is a backlash against the backlash. A lot of us have been around the block plenty to know that us geeks can be a petulant and thankless lot, and some of us are kind of hopeless optimists.
And if you can't trust a fictional hispanic being played by a Bazilian, who can you trust?

This trailer, it is clearly not going to turn most of the General Garza's of the world into ardent supporters. In fact, it neatly matches every half-hearted joke one could make about this franchise in relation to said Bay. In fact, I kind of joked with my brother that, within the first quarter of the trailer Transformers could have popped onscreen and i wouldn't have bat an eyelash.

I'm not even gonna complain about this being bad. I'm just loving how Michael Bay can just match every single criticism we could lobby against his shit. We think we're playing him, but he's playing us. He knows what's up.

First he hits you low with expectation lowering  terrible leaked scripts. Slowly he builds it up with Megan Foxes and a whitewashed Oroku Saki called Erik Sach's.  And then, by the time you're watching one of these gorillas in a half-shell bend a Humvee with his body, it's over: you're just glad they're not aliens.

Michael Bay Joke Punchline  opens this August. Evil remains triumphant.


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