Kudos to Fox

Fox gets a lot of flack for a company that's not particularly more evil than  Disney,  or Comcast. Because while Disney might straight up rip off a Holocaust Victim's story and Comcast might make you lose faith in Capitalism,  what really makes people mad here is when you get Street Fighter wrong.

I'd expect the people who came up with "Fox Kids" to know better.

But lately they've done a great thing for me. Remember my article about the ways I would ruin your franchise? Well, let me refresh your memory a bit.

Ew. The tears taste like sweaty, salty Mountain Dew.

Get it? It's funny because it's the kind of dumb thing movie makers would do! Take a fantastical character that has endured decades  and reduce him to just some guy, some businessman or something like that! You know, like when Shredder was gonna be Col. Shrader, or when Galactus was a cloud.

"This place will become your grave, after you die from the heartbreak over displacement my oil company will do to your tribe."

Well, Toby Kebell, who will be playing Doom, says that it's gonna be sort of like that.

He’s Victor Domashev, not Victor Von Doom in our story.  And I’m sure I’ll be sent to jail for telling you that.  The Doom in ours—I’m a programmer.  Very anti-social programmer.  And on blogging sites I’m “Doom”.

 

Good play, Fox! Just in case anyone still thought this was the movie that "rectifies" Fantastic 4 after the previous ones, especially Dr Doom, who was every villain except Dr Doom and Bluto from Popeye,  you sweep in with something like that. Dr Doom, the angry blogger? What's the Silver Surfer do, browse 9gag?

 

"And check out this sweet Half Life 2 Map Doom made!"

And we know you. You don't back out of terrible movie ideas on a good day, and this is more of a "keep Galactus from reverting back to Disney" day. You know that Disney would put that shit onscreen and make it awesome and faithful and make all the money. You wouldn't. You don't even care. You don't even care that you don't care.

And yet, somehow, I suspect screwing up this beloved silver age superheroes by making a crappy ass, found footage movie about 4 superheroes fighting a blogger  like it's 1996 or some shit will bring you money in the long run. You are despicable and devious. My hat is off to you.

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Let's talk about Wonder Woman's body as if it mattered

"I wish Hollywood had some tricks to make people look not-as-they-are..."

Wonder Woman is one of the earliest female superheroes, and probably the one most people care about anyway. So going into Batman v Superman : Dawn of Justice, which had her first appearance in live action in decades must be pretty exciting for fans, right?

This is just as pointless as  #bringbackourgirls, except Zack Snyder might actually bring them back.

Oh, you wanna talk about Wonder Woman's body in what's likely to ammount to a cameo in Batman's movie? Fine. I like Wondy's body too.

There's 3 prevailing schools of thought on Wonder Woman's body: Jezebeline, Maximist, and Curvilinears. And none of the people who  profess these styles actually acknoweledge their titles, because I just made them up.

The Jezebelineans would love for Wonder Woman to not-give girls bad body image.  If Diana looks like a model they'll probably complain, even if 90 percent of all female actresses are like that anyway. DC comic heroes are easy to make a stand on while Black Widow rolls around in her  skintight jumpsuit, totally not getting a movie.

For them, there is a Wonder Woman.

For the record I like her movies. She's no Camryn Manheim, though.

They'd probably say I'm exaggerating. I am. But if you're gonna cast Wonder Woman exclusively for the Jezebelian crowd, without any accounting for anything else, this is your stop.

Maximists take this ficticional amazon's ficticional history seriously. "She's an AMAZON! She should have oak stumps for legs and abs that can take a tomahawk missile!"

For them,there is a Wonder Woman.

Don't know.

I mean, Superman and Batman are ripped. Why can't Wonder Woman be super ripped? Huh? Why is it? Is it because that's not nearly the most important thing when it comes to bringing this character to life? Huh? Is it?

The Curvilinears just want to see an accurate depiction of Wonder Woman's breasts. The character's long history has seen many changes in tone and style, but NEVER have her breasts been what we'd consider "small". They plan to be starring at that cleavage for a good amount of time, and they want to make good on that investment. For them, there is a Wonder Woman as well.

Va va va boom!

I guess that makes me a  Curvilinear as well. huh.

But in the end the people at WB chose this chick.

Those are some nice headlights.

There's bound to be a bunch of reasons why she got cast. How much money  she could bring to the movie chief among them. She's not the ideal actress for Wonder Woman we all picture in our head, but that just us. Some of us thought Thomas Jane would make an excellent Shadow the Hedgehog, and some of us thought HHH would make a fine Thor, and some of us thought  Heath Ledger would ruin the Joker forever. In the end we're proven wrong, we like the actor and we move on.

Or the Sonic movie never happens and we start to hate on  Jane over The Mist. Goddamit!

 

In either case, here's some of the questions you should be asking instead: How much screen-time will Wonder Woman actually have? What exactly will be her role in a movie titled Batman v Superman? Will she actually show in costume in the film? Will she use her magic lasso? Her invisible plane? Will we see Themyscira? Will Themyscira be actually a river near Turkey, like in real life?  Why is there not a sequel to the wonderful animated Wonder Woman movie? Why is there no Wonder Woman movie period, and instead we have to settle for her playing  a support role to Batman and Superman? Just asking, man.

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Personal Challenge:A Fat Superheroine

In the next scene she splits a car apart with her fists.

The universe is made of forces clashing. Particles impacting each other,  gravity denying force, survival of the fittest. So too is Democracy.

Whoa, that was a good opener, huh? It makes what I'm about to write seem deeper. Recently some controversy has spilled over, in  the form of this one person tried to get people to hire her as an artist. And then somebody said that her Batwoman looks fat is the short story. I'll let myself steal the image under the veil of context. Sorry.

She must be one of those rap-guys' girlfriends...

I have many opinions on this, in particular. Is Batwoman supposed to be hot? I thought she was supposed to be some kind of Lesbian-ey Lesbian from planet Lesbian. I'm not saying I don't think lesbians aren't hot, just that that isn't the point of the character.

But moving beyond the picture, this has again sparked the debate of depictions of women in the media, particularly comics. I don't know how much I can say about that that hasn't been said, except lately I can't even be bothered to pirate comics.

I think we could have some Superheroeines that aren't extremely geared toward idealistic beauty. Could doesn't mean it'd be successfull, or that people could take to it, but there isn't really  a reason why it can't happen. Then a contest opened up in Deviant Art about the subject of creating  a fat Super Heroine.
In this post, I announce my intention to win the contest(against my own advise), as well the general process in which I  will.

I myself could not defend myself from accusations of being sexist. I Play Strip Fighter IV. FOR FUN. But I also think, much like King David(Or was it Solomon?) there is a time for everything. But never let it be said I don't take challenges seriously. So here is my process.

1)My Superhero has to have more than going for her than being fat.

Feel Empowered yet?

You know, I already made a fat Superheroine, the steel armored Girl-Ephant in my critically acllaimed(hey, one guy liked it!) Celemutant #1. I am not a stranger to reusing my thoughts of the past, but I will do a new one because I am just that awesome. Also, they don't want fat themed  Heroines.

But the point it, If you wanted this to be a character people would willingly give money to(and by definition, to you) it needs something more than being Superman, but a woman and also fat. The market for Superman-But-X is closed, okay?

Your superhero needs to be interesting in and of herself. And well...

2) You can't make the central theme being fat.

Uwe Boll is getting an Oscar someday.

You see, if you're going for the sort of people who read "The Mary Sue" and get outraged at something like this, you can't really make the character's central problem that she's fat.

See, the way I see It, Black people don't want a hero who is getting constantly discriminated by everyone and Gay people probably don't want their heroes to be constantly stopped from getting married and adopting kids, so fat people probably don't want a fat heroine who is constantly obsessed with her girth. If you push too much in that direction, you get into a "Helen Degeneres" effect where neither the  afflicted party and  those that aren't all feel it is too much.

And beside, such a theme can probably not hold interest for very long. Sure the character must deal with it from time to time, like Peter Parker dealt with guilt and being poor. But it can't become a somber study of life as a fat girl, especially since because I am a Man, I do not trust myself with such a topic.

3)The character needs to be visually interesting

For something!

 I cannot emphasize this enough. Comics are a visual medium. Your character(that you pretend sells comics) needs to look good and capture the imagination of the reader, probably while selling whatever gimmick you character has. There is some sort of a color code to character personalities, although it doesn't always follow an exact pattern.

Blue is serious characters, like Superman and Cyclopse and Captain America.

Red and other bright colors are for wilder personalities, like Deadpool, Flash and SPider-Man.

Black and gray is for grimmer, darker characters, such as Spawn, Batman, and Raven.

Normally, we could take some shortcuts by making the character visually attractive. But since we're circumventing convention, our design needs to be at it's strongest. The design needs to sell the idea quickly, lest peoples eyes dart over to whatever whackiness is going on in X-Men(OMG Xavier has WOLVERINE CLAWS NOW and he's using them to STAB BOLIVAR TRASK IN THE JUNK!) or Catwoman (OMG CATWOMAN IS HAVING SEX WITH THOSE CATS AND BATMAN IS CRYING ABOUT IT!) and forget about you. You're gotta have a clear, strong hook, and need to sell it quickly and strongly.

4)Your character needs to be explainable

Cannot be summarized in less than 5 sentences.

Your character can be some sort of deconstruction of jungian archetypes present in preclassic litterature and mysticism as juxtaposed by the postmodernist ideals of Generation X. But you can't put that in writting in a comic cover. You gotta cake the pretentiousness in simplism. You need  a fast sell, but a good sell, too. There needs to be some element that's recognizable in there for modern audiences. If you can make people think of Harry Potter, or Jason Statham by glancing at the cover quickly, you're already won their attention, which is what you want. Now, I'm not saying your character needs to be a rip-off of The Last Airbender to win. Just that, if your character gives the impression "Like a  mix between The Last Air Bender and  300 with some Battlestar Galactica thrown in", the character is more likely to gain adherents, who will think it's somewhat original since they've never seen all those elements together(or if they have, not like yours).

Since your character is new, you don't have to tie it down to any pre-existing franchise and you can therefore create your own mythology, your own world. But remember, that the audience DOESN'T  know what's in your head, and has to be guided into the world. You lay the rules out to them, and never assume they know what the hell is going on. They don't.

But most of all, you can't JUST think of your character. You gotta give it a little backstory, maybe a  quick supporting cast. You may not use all of it or may change it. Or maybe neither. Bottom line is, no character operates on a vacuum. Fat or no fat, your character needs setting to execute her amazing adventures in. Otherwise, what's the point?

So I'm somewhat ahead in my creation and hopefully I'll get some scanner soon and show you my work. Stay tuned!

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Son of a Pitch: A Mild Mannered Super Hero Game

Super-Sock em!

As I played that awful Batman Game y'all where talking about, a thought started to grow on me: Superheroes videogames still have room to grow.

Sure, we've outgrown summer movie license superhero games universally sucking. We're even past the time a videogame based on Batman just HAD to be terrible. But there's  still aspects of Superheroes that aren't being covered. This is a bit of a general pitch, but it could apply to any number of franchises out there. Or a new one.

First up: why aren't secret identities ever a factor in this games? Hardly ever does a new Superhero story begin in a new comic or a new movie already decked up his or her supersuit. This applies as equally to Batman Begins and Sailor Moon. And you know why? Because even the worst of super hero stories still need to be stories. With identifiable characters. And conflicts that aren't always physical.

But I guess videogames, that have been battling cancer stricken critics for the self imposed and illusory title of "art", can't be stories. They need to be actionous, right? Here, Spider-Man, go punch the Skulls gang so you can learn a lesson about responsibility.

Now, you may balk. What  kind of gameplay would being Peter Parker, or Bruce Wayne or Barry Allen entail? Well, the answer is already among us.

You could have like an adventure game, where you have to figure out how to manage to keep a "real" life while still having to kick the crap out of robots. The Secret Identity parts could be anything, from quick timer events to minigames, to pretty much an RPG type of thing.  The important part is that, instead of throwing players into a sequence of action events, you could get the player involved in the story, with supporting characters and love interests all playing a significantly higher role than expositionary NPCs.

No follow-through, there, web-head.

Picture a huge open city, where on one end is that date with Mary Jane, and on the other, and attack by Mysterio. It'd be like the Sims and  Shenmue all rolled up into one. Only you have to change out of view.

Speaking of which: as long as we're expanding the story, why not give the titular hero a choice of love interests? I mean, most of the known Superhero franchises have at least more than one, and romantic tension is one of those elements of Superheroing that is missing from all this games. You got your Gwen Stacy or your Mary Jane, your Lois or your Lana, your Catwoman or your Talia, your Steve Trevor or...mumblemumblemumbble.

Of course, it doesn't have to be all dates. You could investigate while on civilian mode, so  you can be more prepared to fight the threats. You could engineer better crimefighting tech, if it's Batman or Ironman.  You could maybe try and work as a typical newspaper.

Another avenue that isn't often explored is  choice. But I guess in Superhero games it's kind of hard to put in that "light side", dark side" bar you think I mean by "choice". No, what I mean is that, several of this characters have been through enough phases that you could easily assign them a type of reaction. Let's take Batman, trying to defeat a warehouse full of goons. You could have the "Ninja master of the night" approach. You could have the "drop out of a skylight"  and announce yourself approach. You could even have the "gun them down" approach.  Maybe each type of approach could earn you points towards being more Silver Age, or more current age or more Issue 1 Batman. This eventually morphing the  character or the world more to reflect that. Sort of like the original, crazy promises of Fable. 

I don't want all this to be misconstrued as saying I don't like  action superhero games. I do. But at the same time, with the focus on story that games like L.A. Noire and Heavy Rain have proven can actually move units, why can't we have something like that on other games? The superhero fantasy is more that just punching and huge chins and brass heavy orchestra. Surely such a project would take a lot to get right and on time and to sell. But if done right, it could be the greatest superhero game in history and up the bar.

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M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 13

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The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

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Damn Backgrounds!

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M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 12

Late adopter over here!

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, a stuff is no longer fun...

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More Heroes without a cause( that ain't stupid)

Also,  Starro's coming and all we've got to fight him is fucking arrows. But at least gaygaygyagyagyaygygaygaygaygays RIGHTSRIGHTSRIGHTERIGHTS.

There are many people around the world who will not survive to the end of this sentence. This is a sad truth of the world we live in. Think of at least 3 ways to solve that. Did at least one of those involve punching people in the face?

Well, that's because in the real world, you can't solve complex social and economic problems with punching and witty comebacks, silly goose. That would be crazy. Rel life requires consensus and sacrifice to make reforms work, and a keen awareness of history to keep things from slipping back down.

Don't smoke...because...villain!

However, nobody told the creators of two unlikely heros, that join the ranks of Marijuana Man and  Foreskin Man as the heroes that the world probably doesn't need.

Oddly enough, the first one is created by a famous/infamous Frank Miller, whose work on Daredevil and Batman has become iconic enough to be put into bad movies.

Ever since 911, the big two of comics, Marvel and DC, have pretty much agreed that it would be in poor taste to have their superheros fighting Al Quaeda. or other Islamic Terrorist organizations. After all, this would sully the memories of those who died, and continue to die at the hands of terrorism of the non Die Hard variety. However, Frank Miller, having somewhat a different taste of what is acceptable, has since 2006 touting  a planned Graphic Novel in which Batman fought and I guess defeated, AL Quaeda and Osama Bin Laden.

The story has since resurfaced as not starring DC's Batman, but an entirely new hero...the FIXER!

Sorry! Let me try again: THE FIXER!

The new Rorouni Kenshin will not fuck around with Shishio's bullshit.

Yes, the Fixer will bring Al Quaeda to justice for what they did.  Now, let me say that, yes, I do believe terrorist should be fought. Buuuuut...

Come on. It's 2011! Ten  years after the towers fell. Since then Osama Bin Laden has been gunned down. I don't think that will take down his organization, Final Fantasy style, but as the main face of Al Quaeda  to America and sought after military goal, this should signify the end of the "let's gettem!" part of the war. Some are saying it might present a satire or lampshading of American attitudes on the War on Terror, to which I say: You're even later to the party.

Everyone, EVERYONE has done that. From Prince of Persia to The Dark Knight. It's not 2006 anymore. Everyone did it, and I don't think Frank Miller's gonna do it better.





Folks, sometimes I feel bad about my drawing skills. I've always wanted to work on art. but I'm not that great at the pencils and lousier at the colors. And when I feel down on myself...I go to  Indie Planet, where anyone can post a comic, and sell it. The results come off like you'd expect:. The quality, mediocre, and insane all mingle in a melting pot of weird.

So STYLIZED!

So one day Batzarro is checking the offerings and comes across this:

Issue 1: ENTER PITBULL!

What was it. It used the font of the Planet of the Apes, but...it seemed to be about toking. So, you know, interest peaked.  What the hell plot puts together Marijuana and Planet of the Apes?

A stoner’s journey to legalize marijuana takes an unexpected twist in which they find themselves on a planet where only Apes can toke.  But where in the universe are they and how did this upside down world get started?

Or so goes the official synopsis. And in case you where wondering, between the part photoshopped, part poorly  drawn art there is a message in there. And there's like six issues of this thing, which I'm guessing hasn't been sued into oblivion because they don't know about it.

Now, I haven't read the book , but what is the big deal with Apes being able to use drugs, but humans aren't, if humanity is subjugated by apes? Isn't the subjugation the bigger evil? It's an admission that, yes, Legalizing Marijuana isn't the most important issue facing the world today, and for all it's benefits, most of it's advocates just want the one where they get to get high without fear of repercussion, not make pants out of Marijuana. Even the hero of this story is defined by being  a stoner.


And again, your audience is already there with you. Do you think people who are against legalization  want to read a terrible 6 Issue riff on Apes to be able to agree with you, especially one that looks this bad.

Sigh...

So, you know, if you're passionate about your beliefs, go ahead. Make a comic about it. Just...try to keep it from being stupid, mmmkay?

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M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 11

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M.U.G.E.N. vol 2 Colony Page 10

Finally, I win at SOMETHING!

The Super Agents Sugar Ant and Fire Ant are back for another round!

In this page, Aww...hell naw!

Here come the tentacles!

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Lost to the Internet: Star

"And does it involve taking off more of my clothes?"

My interest in Public Domain superheroes began last year, when it came to my attention that they, in fact, exist. Emboldened with this knowledge, I've been seeking ways to exploit this characters to meet my own demands. One of the characters that most called to me is one called Moon Girl.

Sorry! My bad. I'll start over. Ahem....Moon Girl!

Moon Girl doesn't show ass...she stomps it.

Moon Girl is what Golden Age Wonder Woman would be like if you took out most of the crazy from it. Hailing from a distant fake land, the Moon Girl is a foreign princess who came to America to fight crime, using her magic Moonstone. The book is known for it's erratic changes in thematic and genre.

Also, a witch rides a naked mermaid. I said MOST of the crazy.

According to International Superhero, the Crime- Busting lunatic had the aid of several characters, including  a cop and the irrespectably called Prince Mengu as well as another.

This other in question is the problem. Without a page on PDSH or international hero, this character you can't find any information on. I couldn't even find images. Only a mention by name. So I did the only reasonable thing to do. I downloaded all the comics(as well as every other comics the company did because no one cared enough to have them separately or on something that isn't torrents) to read the story. And since I don't want you to do that, I'll create a little profile here, because I don't know if I can add it to PDSH myself.

The story takes place during "Moon Girl Fights Crime" #7, which is two issues away from "Moon Girl Doesn't Live Here Anymore" #9. We meet our protagonist, Selena Brown, a young female orphan  living in a rural house with a big case of "fear of the moon". It also seems she thinks the Moon is talking to her or wants her to do something.

Late one night, Selena finds a magic moonstone necklace in her attic that  grants her super her stupid, stupid wish.

Because when you find jewelry, it's cleaning properties are your first concern.

Empowered, the kid uses the stones power to do chores.NOT use it to wrestle or sell it. Chores.

You're no fun.

Eventually after achieving  a legendary status in farm-handing, she gets to heroing. She rescues two men from falling to their deaths. The men, in a twist worthy of Shamalan, turn out to be hardened criminals who immediately want to exploit the superpowered pixie that saved them for crime. But come on, if you where given super-strength by a magic moonstone, would you let two guys who seem to be an ambulance chaser's wet dream threaten you?

You know, Stardust the Super Wizard would have turned their intestines into antfarms.

So, using her strength she helps the robbers into a bank.  Moon Girl hears of the ruckus and tries to help, but she...trips into a bunch of bricks and falls. She's a klutz like that. Selena is in big trouble as she  is left locked in the bank vault to die as the criminals make their escape. She..doesn't seem to use the Super power that allowed her to enter the  vault and there's no reason for it and she starts suffocating immediately. Must be one of those pressurized vaults that where all the rage in the 40s.

"And I'll show you a girl can't use her powers to get out of trouble!"

Moon Girl comes out of her stupor in time to whoop the criminals silly, but she doesn't know about Selena's artificial predicament until her Moonstone shows her. She frees her. Having discovered  her long lost cousin, Moon Girl immediately adopts her and and drafts her into  her war on crime and mermaids...

Where we're going, there's enough chores for a lifetime!

So Selena the girl who once feared the moon becomes...STAR! The Daughter(More like the cousin) of the Moon!

You can't capture this much awkward without reference.

So, I might as well put it out there. The new Comixology Moon Girl series might or might not have used her. But her possibilities are there if anyone else is planning on exploiting the Moon Girl's(admittedly shortlived) mythos. The rare female sidekick to a female superhero, Star really is Nobody's Favorite Lost to the Internet.

'Your name is now Starlet. Also, your only words in your final appearance are "Oooooh! What is it?" and "Tweet! Tweeeeeet!", Starlet. '

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