Friday, May 30, 2014

The 6 Other Disney Villains that need their own gritty origin story.

"Okay, you're motivation here is that you're not invited to a party and people have to fuckin' die over it."

This year sees the release of Maleficent, a movie where Disney answers the question nobody asked: How did the evil fairy godmother Carabosse Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty become the evil character we've all come to know? The satanic witch, in a reverse on the recent racebending Hollywood has had going on, will be played by actual satanic witch Angelina Jolie.
"Ask Herbert. I wanted her to be called Marina. Marina Badguy, that's a nice name."

Sure enough, you'd think  this literal fairy tale character doesn't need any character expansion because it's been 55 years since the original and the whole point of it WAS that she was a depthlessly evil character. No, we gotta go out and see her  story so we can truly understand her actions in  Sleeping Beauty. We gotta find out she wasn't making a fashion statement with her horn-wrap, she was just covering her literal horns. We gotta know what kind of stupid fairy parents name their kid Maleficent.

So if we're gonna do this, let's do this, then. Here's some more DIsney characters that  need their origin story told as a way for Disney to continue marketing it's kid's cartoons to  grown adults, taking their nostalgia to the bank IM expand their narrative universe ever more into a rich tapestry.


Do you have one that doesn't talk like Gilbert Gottfried?

When  we first meet Jaffar, he's hypnotized his way to Sultan's Chief Adviser (Are you sure "advisor" is not a word, spell-check?), a position he's not quite satisfied with. Despite being fairly well off, he's desperate enough to seek a magic lamp in a cave clearly designed to turn away potential costumers.

What if he was once a young idealist who wanted to make a better Agrabah, shunned form society due to their fear of sorcery? In the end he caves in and decides that the corrupt monarchy of Agrabah can only be made to help people by being put in a trance.

Naturally there's some bad people who want him dead, but by the end they're all dead, and he's climbed his way up to vizier.  And then the Sultan's wife gives birth to baby Jasmine.  CUT TO CREDITS, OMG!

Fat Cat
Many Men...wish death upon me...

They're making a  Chip n' Dale: Rescue Rangers CG origin movie, even though I think the origin of the team  got pretty well established in the first episode of the cartoon. But whatever, I'm not gonna get caught dead watching  a Disney movie trying to out 'Munk Alvin and the Chipmunks.

However, what about Fat Cat, one of it's recurrent villains? He was a cat...and also a mobster!  This clearly calls for a movie about  a young kitten growing up in the violent slums and alleyways of Jersey,  coming up in the ranks of the brutal animal crime world. But, uh, in a cute, Disney CGI kind of way.

 Well it's either that, or Nilmnolm. And we all know those movies about wacky scientists have not made Disny any bank.

Helga Sinclaire
For the last time: I do not have a mosquito on my face.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire is one of those Disney movies that  gets lost in amongst discussions of the company's  movies. Existing right in the Decline of Disney's traditional animation features and  alongside the rise of Pixar's CGI, the character's in it certainly aren't getting lumped with The Disney Princess and Disney's Skylanders thing. We've even forgotten than Princess Kida actually IS the first black Disney Princess.

But I like it. I mean, not a whole lot, but it's decent.  The movie's characters are a who's who of  adventure movie tropes and stereotypes, including one Helga Sinclair.

A Femme fatale mercenary, she's equally at home dressing like Lara Croft and  dressing like a Noire film gal,  In the end of the film she get's thrown out of a balloon, and then  the balloon falls on her. Underground. So it'd take some narrative gymnastics to explain her further adventures, unless they take place in hell.

So naturally, we go back and explain that she once was lost in a mystical island and had to learn to be tough and avoid getting raped. Ripoff? Yes. But then, we're already talking about Disney and Atlantis, so...

Dr Anton Sevarious
I can't make this funnier. Look how happy he is to be sticking that grape juice into someone!

I'm surprised Disney hasn't  brought Gargoyles back in any meaningful way. Yeah, there's some comics and stuff. Talk to me when Goliath shows up in Kingdom Hearts.

I say the Gargoyles universe is complex enough to stand a few spinoffs. In a few short seasons they made a world where aliens, sentient Gargoyles, robots, and greek and norse mythology all coexisted.

It's bound to be weird to be a scientist in a world where Pan is real, and maybe a coworker of yours in disguise. But that's where Anton Sevarious lives.

Responsible for several pseudoscience things, including a clone of Goliath and a Mecha loch ness monster, Dr Sevarious clearly has seen some  some shit, and does not  give a shit. A lot of times mad scientists look like disheveled old men, claiming that they'll "SHow them all!"

Not Sevarious. He's down with anything.  Kevin Bacon for the part. The movie should just be about  this crazy ass super scientist who never turns down a challenge, and winds up filling New York with like, tentacle monsters and dinosaurs and shit.

And then he still don't give a shit.

The Stoner Turtle from Finding Nemo.
Dude, let's wasted and tie can wrappers around our necks!

Oh, what was that? The Turtle from finding Nemo was not high on drugs? Well,  what was it, then? What was it?

Clearly, a 60's inspired origin story is the way to go. How that turtle learned how not to be a square and chill out.  He started out a young hatchling, part of a conformist  turtle family, including a turtle dad with a crew cut telling him to go enlist so he can go to Vietnam...'s shore and fight crabs.  But soon, he discovers  Reefer Shore, a place where all the  arthropods  eat, like, nutrients from nature itself, man.

Pretty soon, he's bucking the system, and wearing dreads made out of algae. Come on, doesn't that sound like a better movie than "The continuing adventures of the forgetful fish."?

The Prince from Snow White
Hey, birdie. I claim Prima Nocta all up your cloaca.

As long as we're expanding on 2d carboard cutouts from old Disney movies, what about the nameless Prince from Snow White? The first in a long line of boring male love interests, the Prince just kind of wanders into the movie, being all charming and crap. You could just leave that there. could Game of Thrones that shit.  Did you know how much murder and rape and slavery  and royal court politics have to happen before Mr Charming can just wander into scene and make out with a comatose woman? Well, now you will! With the new  SHowtime series, "Castle Charming". 


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