Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Apocalypse Watch: Val Verde

40 years. Plenty of time for it to happen

I don't want to post too much about my faith and stuff, because that's not what this Blog is, was mean to be, or I want it to be about. But...

...Some lady decided to say we are gonna get hit with a Tsunami. Wut?

For those of you who who are Spanish impaired, this nice lady is saying that she got a letter from someone in Venezuela,  who seemingly got a vision from God, where he's saying we've done fucked up now with our Gays and our Baals, and he's sending us the wave, a Tsunami that will apparently reach in as afar as a couple of municipalities/and/or the whole island. And very few will survive.

I'm usually not the kind of guy who believes any prophecy...and I'm not about to start now. People talk for God all the time, because they know  some people are too stupid to see their made up shit. Oh, yeah, this year it's the Tsunami.  "God-through-prophets" has said for years we're gonna get an earthquake/Tsunami/Deadly Hurricane. But I think we should challenge and analyze  prophecy for veracity. The Bible says that, and I'm a terrible Christian.

This? It's full of holes. Apparently God wants us to save  our supplies of Food for the crisis. If the whole island is underwater because of a Tsunami, how is my crushed up remains  supposed to get to  my can of Lima beans? And how come it's us? We've got like a million churches, each more anti-gay than the last. Hell, some of our politicians are trying to make our constitution less gay-friendly. We get a Boys Don't Cry-like crime almost twice every year and the only outrage is from  the Gay movement. Whattaya want, Lord?  What's that?
Kill? You...Oh, CHIIILL.I thought you where ordering me to murder.

Still, it's worth the thought: What's the plan? Sure, there's no plan if it's as dramatic as what she says. I guess, pray a lot and stuff bla bla bla. Sure, it's good for surviving the stuff, maybe. Beyond the prophesy, stuff, though, if our island's whole coast was flooded, we'd be in deep shit. Most of the food and other products we consume are imported, and most of that comes in ships. A flood would probably block the arrival of such necessities as medicine, food, and hairgel(necessary for breeding over here). Within a short span of time life as we know it would be strained. And let me put it this way: We had wounded on a Toy giveaway line. It's safe to say a foodline in here would be catastrophic.

So I need to plan for that.

First, I'm learning as many survivalist skills as possible. I don't want to wait for food, and I probably suck at looting. It's not about having cans of corned beefanyway: I'm gonna have to learn to produce my own food, and I'm hoping it's more in a simple agriculture way than in a "bear grills" kind of way.

Second, I know where to head that the zombies won't find me: the cemetery: My granny has a house that a funeral company built around on. There's land to grow stuff, it isn't too populated, and it's nicely fenced/creepy, which should keep supersticious and cowardly criminals at bay until they run out of bullets. And it's not too far from a river. I don't like not having water. It parches and kills me.

Finally, I'm preparing a backpack with provisions for it. Rope, slingshot and the instructions to starting civilization anew.

Oh, that's right, I'm starting civilization anew.  I know, it's pretty cool.
Note: must learn how to make pants.

See, I think you should see the good in everything, and while island spanning disaster and famine usually don't rank as  good unless you are making a movie inspired by them, it's also an opportunity for quick social ascension. With our government  in tatters and America very likely abandoning us(and how our already crippling debt and endangered credit would fare, I can't fully blame them.), the island would be ripe for rebirth. I will rechristen the new nation Val Verde.

Yes, Val Verde, like the fictional country you've read about that always shows up in movies. Here is our beautiful flag and  and coat of arms.

In Val Verde, my Latin is good.

I'm sure your flag is a blatant ripoff too.

Then there's also the issue of  chain of command.

Royal Fender(This is me)
                                                                      |                           |

                                                        Minister of                  Minister of
                                                     Defense  (my brother)          Offense(my cousin)
                                                           --------The others-----------
Hey, Megalomania is as good a hobby as any.

But it isn't all  80s action movies in Val Verde. I, being one of the few who remembered how to agriculture shit, will trade small amounts of food for  prelooted furniture and virgins. Hey, I need to repopulate the island, you know? I'm like Abraham, now:Willing to get a little side action going as long as  they'll remember it  was for the greater goodish...
I'll take it! No, just  the chick!

If this sounds really vacuous and nasty as a way to deal with a serious and sad scenario, think of  it like this: If I survive something like the proposed, I'm not doing it so that those who didn't can tell me what to do from their watery raves. And 'sides, it's not any darker than proposing this is God's will for us if it isn't true. Wich is exactly what I fear this lady might be doing. Don't stick your words in God's tongue, kids!


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